With the recent invention of the internet and the even more recent invention of putting information on the internet, the days of having to visit the library and hang out with poor people in order to research answers are long gone. Personally, I say "Amen!" to that because I can't count the amount of times I got yelled at by the librarian and was forcefully removed from the premises. Look lady, it's not my problem if you are offended easily. Your job is to help me find out information and I really needed to know what "munting" was. (Pro tip: don't look that up.) But now, thanks to the internet, I can just run that through Google, copy what I find verbatim, and have my report filed in less than 60 seconds. I don't even have to put on pants.
Unfortunately, with this increased information availability comes a singular problem: the source. Back when people had to write actual books and get published, there was only a select few smart individuals that other smart individuals considered smart enough to write books about facts. In addition, other smart people came in behind these smart people and double-checked everything to make sure it was correct. Unfortunately, all that correctness took a really long time to do and the masses started to get impatient. They needed to talk about stuff now. Like, right now. Like, "OMG I totally saw Jenny with some dude who wasn't Rick" now. The old system just couldn't keep up.
So, with billions of people contributing information all across the world, how do you filter through it all and find out what is right and what isn't? The truth is (and this is really true because I fact-checked it): you can't. Now, some people will point to "reputable" sources like Wikipedia as proof that you can trust the information you find online but I just searched for myself on there and didn't find anything, so how complete and accurate could it really be? I mean, I'm not one to toot my own horn -- largely because I don't have one -- but I'm pretty important around here and if I'm not listed prominently and with a preferably glowing biography, it kind of makes you question the overall academic value of such a resource. But if all this doom and gloom talk has started to get you down, fret not, amigo. Your friends here at the PNC have you covered. While other "sites" on the "internet" like to eschew facts in favor of sensationalistic material, the research division at the P.Net Corporation campus likes to dig a little deeper under the surface and uncover the true, valid sources of historically correct material, similar to what they do on Fox News.
In our continued effort to aid in the betterment of society (and as part of our parole agreement), we decided to launch a new series of updates where we pick one notable figure from history and give you true low-down on facts that the OTHER guys don't want you to know. You're not likely to find these in any textbooks but that doesn't make it any less true. The MAN just wants to keep you down because knowledge is power. Go ahead, stick some of these in your next report and source us. Guaranteed A+.
With that said, let's move along and kick off this introductory edition of "Historical Truths" by learning some facts about Joseph Stalin.
Do you feel that slight tingling on the back of your scalp? That's what it feels like to have your mind blown with so much overwhelming true knowledge. Well, either that or you have a spider in your hair. I'm not absolutely sure because the last time I was at your place, it was pretty dirty so really, it could be either or. Anyway, just wanted to say that this concludes the first edition of our "Historical Gonna-Fuck-Your-Brain-Up-With-Knowledge" series of updates. Oh, and when you start getting overwhelmed with kudos from professors and other smart people due to you making use of what you read here, well, you know how to reach us and drop a quick "thank you." You're welcome in advance.
Unfortunately, with this increased information availability comes a singular problem: the source. Back when people had to write actual books and get published, there was only a select few smart individuals that other smart individuals considered smart enough to write books about facts. In addition, other smart people came in behind these smart people and double-checked everything to make sure it was correct. Unfortunately, all that correctness took a really long time to do and the masses started to get impatient. They needed to talk about stuff now. Like, right now. Like, "OMG I totally saw Jenny with some dude who wasn't Rick" now. The old system just couldn't keep up.
So, with billions of people contributing information all across the world, how do you filter through it all and find out what is right and what isn't? The truth is (and this is really true because I fact-checked it): you can't. Now, some people will point to "reputable" sources like Wikipedia as proof that you can trust the information you find online but I just searched for myself on there and didn't find anything, so how complete and accurate could it really be? I mean, I'm not one to toot my own horn -- largely because I don't have one -- but I'm pretty important around here and if I'm not listed prominently and with a preferably glowing biography, it kind of makes you question the overall academic value of such a resource. But if all this doom and gloom talk has started to get you down, fret not, amigo. Your friends here at the PNC have you covered. While other "sites" on the "internet" like to eschew facts in favor of sensationalistic material, the research division at the P.Net Corporation campus likes to dig a little deeper under the surface and uncover the true, valid sources of historically correct material, similar to what they do on Fox News.
In our continued effort to aid in the betterment of society (and as part of our parole agreement), we decided to launch a new series of updates where we pick one notable figure from history and give you true low-down on facts that the OTHER guys don't want you to know. You're not likely to find these in any textbooks but that doesn't make it any less true. The MAN just wants to keep you down because knowledge is power. Go ahead, stick some of these in your next report and source us. Guaranteed A+.
With that said, let's move along and kick off this introductory edition of "Historical Truths" by learning some facts about Joseph Stalin.
Stalin was born on December 18th, 1878 at the age of 10.
He patented the original sleeved blanket.
Frequently wore t-shirts that said "I Love NY" under his uniform.
Invented Youtube.
He would make little doodles of airplanes on the military charts when others thought he was working.
Stalin had washboard abs and did over 1,000 crunches every day to keep in shape.
He was the inspiration for the father character in "Little House on the Prairie."
Only had one testicle but made the best out of it.
Stalin invaded Finland to impress his wife.
Shot back to fame again in the late 90's when he helped form the famous rock band Alpine Mountain and provided back-up vocals on their first single, "Crashdown."
Stalin spoke fluent German but only did so when telling crude jokes.
He would sometimes act like a pony and gallop around the house after a few too many glasses of wine.
Was fond of saying, "At least I'm not as bad as Hitler!"
He's still pretty upset that there isn't a "cats that look like Stalin" website yet.
Went through a goth phase for about 1.5 years.
Was instrumental in helping finalize the wording of the very first "Yo Mama" joke.
Thought that "purge" was a really dirty word.
Stalin had a brief amateur wrestling career but that fizzled out after he injured his lower back and was unable to compete.
Dyed his hair pink one October to show his support for finding a cure to breast cancer.
Also had a mustache "down there."
Loved drifting.
He used to hang out in the handicapped stall in the bathroom for long periods of time, regardless of whether people needed to use it or not.
The 1992 film, The Lawnmower Man, was originally written about Stalin before being updated to reflect changes in technology.
Johnny Carson is actually an anagram for Joseph Stalin.
Stalin was known to frequently ghost ride tanks and other military equipment.
He kept a bottle of lotion around him at all times for his, you know, dry skin.
Greatly enjoyed shaving his chest hair into the shapes of woodland creatures and then taking off shirt at inappropriate times to show them off.
Stalin, who was secretly a Muslim, weaseled his way into power, stole an election, and attempted to convert the people of Russia into a fascist, communistic country.
Ruined the first name Joseph for everyone.
Huge pothead.
Do you feel that slight tingling on the back of your scalp? That's what it feels like to have your mind blown with so much overwhelming true knowledge. Well, either that or you have a spider in your hair. I'm not absolutely sure because the last time I was at your place, it was pretty dirty so really, it could be either or. Anyway, just wanted to say that this concludes the first edition of our "Historical Gonna-Fuck-Your-Brain-Up-With-Knowledge" series of updates. Oh, and when you start getting overwhelmed with kudos from professors and other smart people due to you making use of what you read here, well, you know how to reach us and drop a quick "thank you." You're welcome in advance.