*** This article is part of the Spamtastic Adventures series of updates.

When I first started doing this "reply to real spammers from a junk account and just be really mean to them" thing back in 2008, I had a veritable cornucopia of emails to choose from and every spamtastic adventure only got me added to more and more lists. Dick drugs, bank scams, and job offers galore. Back then, I was literally swimming in spam email, because I often printed it out, stored it in the bathtub, and jumped in all naked like some kind of idiot who does the backstroke in paper.

But flash forward to now and my how times have changed. My inbox is as empty and barren as a 50 year old's ovaries. Who would have thought that the best way to get rid of spam email to reply back to them? Thankfully, all hope is not lost, as the occasional one still trickles in here and there, so we're not completely adventureless yet. Before we jump on in to the update, I have to get my (soon to be regular) disclaimer out of the way.

SPAMTASTIC ADVENTURES DISCLAIMER: These are actual emails received from and sent back to actual spammers. I try and string them along for as long as possible while being as sarcastic and mean as I can. This is not meant to be a 419 scam. I am not trying to bait them into anything more than interesting conversation. I do clean up the emails with regards to formatting and whatnot when appropriate but everything else is untouched.

Unemployment is a big deal these days and many, many people are finding themselves without a job. My entirely fictional alter-ego, Roger Garrison, is among them, so he's always got his eye out for job opportunities. When the good folks at RIA Financial came knocking (by way of an unsolicited email), Roger was there to answer the call (by replying).

From: recruit_riafinicial@outlook.com
Subject: surveillance-employment

Congratulations,

You have been selected for assignment as an Agent in your area. You will get $400, once you update Us with report and surveillance, and your employment package will include funds for the surveillance. Full job description will be sent to you prior in your assignment. You will have access to training materials after you register. Money order/Payment check would be in a certain amount which you would be required to Cash in your Bank, deduct your salary and have the rest used for the survilance.

Provide the following information if you are interested,and be update with the next step.

complete this form:

* Your Name (first/last):
* Your Physical Address:
* City, State, & Zip Code:
* A g e:
* O c c u p a t i o n:
* Alternative E-mail:

We are waiting your good response, Thank you

Once you are done filling your details send to our Agent

Name: Mark George
Email: recruit_riafinicial@outlook.com
Agent c/d: RI038DN90920NM

(Candidate from USA & Europe are allowed to apply for this offer)

Regards,
Thayer County
Head of Recruitment.
http://www.riafinancial.com/content/Default.aspx?cID=695&sID=234

Surveillance? I can do that. I mean, I've never tried before but it doesn't sound all that hard. Granted, I have no idea what they are actually hiring me for since they won't tell me that until after I tell them that I want the job but, thankfully, I want the job, so I guess we'll find out what they have to tell me. Maybe.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: recruit_riafinicial@outlook.com
Subject: Re: surveillance-employment

Dear Mr. Mark George, Super Agent (probably),

I can't tell you how thankful I am for your congratulations on me being selected for an assignment, especially one that is in my area. If you know my area (and I do!), you know that not a whole lot goes on around here, selections or otherwise, so to have you email me out of the blue with this good news, well, let's just say that my underwear needs changing right about now. (Technically, it needed changing before you sent me the email also but this sounds like a good excuse to cover up the fact that I have anal leakage.)

But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. I mean, I'm thrilled at being selected at or near my area and the promise of $400 (whatever that is), but you didn't really give me a whole lot to go on. I'm supposed to just jump on board and become an Agent but you don't tell me anything about the assignment or what I'll be doing. (Please tell me it involves guarding my house!?) Is there any timeline on when I will get my first assignment? I'm just wondering if I'm a regular agent with like a 9-5 or some kind of sleeper Agent, where some dude will walk up on the street and whisper some secret code and *BAM!* I turn into a ninja and kill some people.

Not that I know how to be a ninja; I assume your training materials will help me in that regard. I've got a big backyard (at my mom's house) where I can practice fighting trees with swords and killing ants. Do you give me a uniform or what's the deal? I'm just maybe supposed to buy some second hand shit? I realize I'm probably at the bottom of the super Agent tier right now but I figure it'd still be your responsibility to provide me with some sweet threads. Maybe a cape? I guess it all depends on the assignment I get.

I have filled out the required information below, so please consider this my "good response" and I am totally willing to get an assignment and start my "survilance."

* Your Name (first/last): Roger "R. Geezy" Garrison
* Your Physical Address: 762 Sutter St
* City, State, & Zip Code: San Francisco, CA 94109
* A g e: 30 going on 10! <-- LOL
* O c c u p a t i o n: Day Trader (but I work at night)
* Alternative E-mail: roger@4kb.com

Holla back at your boy (me!) as soon as you can because I am excited and eager to make my dent in the shadowy world of being an Agent in my area. I've seen my area and it is definitely shadowy, especially at night.

Feeling Super Agent-y,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

As any potential employment candidate knows, waiting is always the hardest part. Did I get the job? Am I qualified? Was trying to french kiss the dude from HR going a little too far? Thankfully, I didn't have to wait very long before I got a reply back, appropriately titled "confirmation letter" so I guess I did something right.

From: "Ria Finicial" [recruit_riafinicial@outlook.com]
To: "roger@4kb.com" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: confirmation letter

Hello Roger "R. Geezy" Garrison,

Good Day, my name is Mark George, Am in charge of employment and Office Protocol. Ria Financial Services was founded in 1987 and it is today the third largest money transfer company in the world, with a global agent network of 170,000 locations in 130 countries on 6 continents. In addition to money transfer services, Ria offers Bill Payment, Mobile Top Ups, PrePaid Debit Cards, Check Cashing and Money Orders. Ria’s mission is to be the most progressive money transfer company in the world, offering service excellence and the most competitive and reliable remittance payment services to its customers. Ria is also committed to best-in-class business relationships with its global agent and correspondent network, based on the principles of mutual respect, fairness and generally accepted business practices. Ria Financial Services is a wholly owned subsidiary of Euronet Worldwide, Inc. (NASDAQ: EEFT)

NEED FOR EMPLOYMENT: We are short of staff, And now with the Global industrialization we do not open office any where with in the UNITED STATE, we work with BANKS to carry out our Transactions and as productivity increases every Day we tend to need more hands.

FOCUS OF AGENT: We want you to be our AGENT, no matter your occupation or where you live or what you do. as its a part time job offer ( we can still retain you base on your performance).

JOB S SPECIFICATION: Locate a Money transfer Outlet near you to conduct the survey by "patronizing their services". You are to appear as a potential customer sending a Money transfer . You will Make a transfer for the sole purpose of this survey. Observe how long it took you to get served and Customer Service professionalism during the transfer process. Under no circumstances should the Money transfer Agent know this survey is being carried out on them. (Funds for the survey will be provided to you)

JOB DESCRIPTION: 1} When an assignment is given to you, you would be provided details to execute the assignment and in a timely fashion. 2} You would be asked to visit a Bank in your area to transact a Transfer and they are mostly our competitors E.g ( western union money transfer, money gram etc). as an Agent of RIA you are required to survey and give a full report of all that transpired in the process of transaction.

RECONFIRM YOUR IDENTITY:
* Your Name (first/last):
* Your Physical Address:
* City, State, & Zip Code:
* A g e:
* O c c u p a t i o n:
* Mobile Number :
* Next of kin:

Once done send back to me Again.

Sincerely,
Mark George
Best Regards

So, a worldwide financial organization wants me to go into money transfer locations in my area, do transfers with funds they provide me, and watch how efficiently other people do their jobs? Check. As a spam pro, I realize this is the same old "fake money order" scam, just worded differently but props to them for making it sound plausible. (It's still stupid, though.)

Having been confirmed as an AGENT, I'm ready to jump in with both feet. Which, I guess, means sending them my information again.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Ria Finicial" [recruit_riafinicial@outlook.com]
Subject: Re: confirmation letter

Hello Mark "Mark George" George,

Before jumping into my reply, I just wanted to apologize for the delay in sending this back. As you probably knew, it was Thanksgiving, so I wasn't around the computer very much. What you probably didn't know was that I spent most of that holiday in jail for stabbing this homeless dude because we all get a little crazy around the holidays, am I right? I made bail, thankfully, but it wasn't before I had to let some strange men do very degrading things to my body. But that's cool, you know? It's all a part of living life. Making you stronger and all that.

Anyway, long story short, I'm more excited to work with you because now I need money more than ever.

Thank you so much for all the background on you and your company. (Not sure if I'm employed yet, so I didn't want to say "our company" but I kind of feel like we're already partners so it's totally cool.) It sounds like you guys have your hands in a whole ton of shit that I don't understand, so hopefully that won't be a hurdle for you to start paying me. Fun fact, though: I'm also listed on the NASDAQ. Not on the actual exchange like you guys but my name is on the exchange walls, near the security office. They've been instructed to shoot me on site if I ever tried to step inside there again. Kind of harsh treatment, if you ask me. I mean, it's not like I'm the first guy to ever run in there naked and start tasering people for fun, right? Anyway, Euronet Worldwide, Inc sounds like a completely trustworthy company and in no way anything that someone made up to sound more official.

I'm not going to lie, based on your original email, when you were talking agents, I was totally thinking about secret agent stuff where I would have to use all kinds of cool karate moves and gadgets to kill foreign diplomats but now you're just kind of talking about being an agent of the company and I'd be doing some boring financial stuff, but that's also all good, I guess. Just in a more "not very exciting/verging on being a pussy" way. But money is money, am I right? I can make you money, which in turn allows you to give me more money and they we both get rich and laugh at the poor people from our yacht. (Do you have a yacht?)

I've read your "JOB S SPECIFICATION" section quite a few times and I just wanted to be absolutely clear about what you were trying to say there. Based on what I took from that section, the entire job consists of going into money transfer places like Western Union, wiring money, and then watching them perform their job. That sounds... horrible-ly GREAT! I mean, I am so good at going into places. I'm also especially good at watching people. So I think I could be the perfect candidate for this job. Admittedly, I will need to work on my "reporting back to you what I saw" skills because, growing up in the projects, I learned that "snitches get stitches" so I don't speak to anyone about anything but maybe if you're greasing my palm with some serious cash, we can turn this boat around.

I think I'm ready to jump into this. If you're ready to catch me. Don't let go for a bit. Make it a long, awkward hug. I have provided my contact information again below, per your request.

* Your Name (first/last): Roger "R. Geezy" Garrison
* Your Physical Address: 762 Sutter St
* City, State, & Zip Code: San Francisco, CA 94109
* A g e: barely legal
* O c c u p a t i o n: Convincing you that I'm a real person
* Next of kin: (wtf man?) Anyway, holla at my mom, Betty Garrison

Please let me know what else needs to be done on my end before I can be your agent and we can get some SERIOUS CASH rolling in.

Putting the "ecia" in special,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

^^ - Soon to be Agent Roger Garrison!

Now that I'm a confirmed AGENT, I can only imagine that the my bank account will start to grow exponentially with all of the money that I'm making. Up until now, RIA Financial seems to have no problem emailing me back, regardless of what nonsense I send them, so I have my fingers crossed that this adventure will be continued with more email in a second installment. But I'm trying not to get my hopes up. The thing with these money order scams is that they actually have to send you the money orders at some point, or you can't work. Since they don't have my real address, some asshole in San Francisco is going to be getting all my cash and probably spending it on stupid shit like bananas. Fuck that guy.

If there is more to come, I will post a continuation in #11.5.