This past Monday was the Memorial Day holiday and like many Americans, in between eating giant hunks of dead animal slathered in sauce, I spent the day honoring the people who sacrificed so much to make our country what it is today. People like me. I mean, sure, for five or so minutes early on I was all, "yaay troops" but really, the day's thoughts rightfully centered around me, my sacrifices, and what I'm bringing to the table. (Which is a lot, so I hope you have a huge fucking table.) It's amazing how spending the day thinking about me really got me thinking about, well, me.
You see, a lot has changed since I first founded the Pollestad.Net Corporation (PNC) in 1999. For one, I'm a fuckload richer. Millions upon millions of dollars in unreported revenue and some offshore accounts can do your bottom line a whole lot of good. For two, which is no less important, I also own a camel. Bought that shit last year. Can you believe it? He chills. He just sits in the backyard and camels. (I think that's a thing.) Every now and then he spits at the staff who tend to my lawn. Endless entertainment. There's a third thing, too, but now I can't stop thinking about the camel, so whatever.
Is "Humps" a good name for a camel? I haven't named him yet because I don't have time to keep up on camel etiquette. Hopefully bragging about owning a camel isn't in that guidebook.
Throwing this train back on topic, the point I was trying to make before you brought up my riches and camel-owning awesomeness was that things around here are a far cry from what they used to be back in the glory days, which I'm pretty sure were never actually a time anyone can remember. Our main export was the idea that we could take a bunch of stupid jokes about midgets and giraffes, stick them into paragraph form, and make bars of gold. Literally. We demanded people pay us in bars of gold. While I managed to do (and continue to do) quite well for myself, I left the company in the hands of imaginary people I made up to do my bidding and the result has been something of a downward spiral. These imaginary folks found that writing horrible stuff on Facebook that nobody reads is a lot easier than writing other, longer horrible stuff on another site that isn't Facebook that nobody reads. But even that's not a recipe for success. Skip Walker died while keeping his Facebook page updated. Social media is that bad these days. Thank goodness he's imaginary and we have no such thing as canon around here.
Since PNC once was (and still is) a very hot commodity on the internet and other places where they track commodities, many business experts have stepped in and offered advice on how to "right the ship" and to each of them I provide the same reply: stop talking nautical to me, dumb ass. I realize that there are a billion and one ways to get the Pollestad.Net Corporation back on the road to success. Unfortunately, I get my work ethic from the same place your father got his parenting skills, which explains why I'm never around and I'll beat you to within an inch of your pitiful life if you so much as breath next to me while I'm watching television. Now go get me a beer.
Baby steps, I guess; steps that start with a re-introduction to the world. Some of you might be older readers and some of you might be new readers. (You also might be Alex, who has Alzheimer's, in which case, Alex, you've already read this. Move on.) In either event, it's important that you understand what we do here, which is largely nothing, but every so often we will compile a list of words that form sentences and paragraphs and after some magic and wishful thinking, they make it on to the internet where they die alone. You may or may not find these compiled word lists funny. I hope you do but I don't feel like we connect on an emotional level, so I could really care less about your feelings. There is no set schedule for these updates appearing and anyone who tells you otherwise (including me) is a horrible liar who probably has sex with animals.
I wouldn't mind, at some point which could maybe be tomorrow, to see PNC back on its rightful throne of world corporate dominance but that kind of change takes time. And sacrifice. Sacrifice that I personally have to make. Just in case you forgot why I spent all of Memorial Day worshiping myself. It won't happen overnight but if this re-introduction that absolutely didn't cover anything it should have proves, it certainly can be done. Hey, if they let people with down syndrome have their own Olympics, certainly I can run a Fortune 500 company and a shitty blog. Special emphasis on the shitty blog part.
You see, a lot has changed since I first founded the Pollestad.Net Corporation (PNC) in 1999. For one, I'm a fuckload richer. Millions upon millions of dollars in unreported revenue and some offshore accounts can do your bottom line a whole lot of good. For two, which is no less important, I also own a camel. Bought that shit last year. Can you believe it? He chills. He just sits in the backyard and camels. (I think that's a thing.) Every now and then he spits at the staff who tend to my lawn. Endless entertainment. There's a third thing, too, but now I can't stop thinking about the camel, so whatever.
Is "Humps" a good name for a camel? I haven't named him yet because I don't have time to keep up on camel etiquette. Hopefully bragging about owning a camel isn't in that guidebook.
Throwing this train back on topic, the point I was trying to make before you brought up my riches and camel-owning awesomeness was that things around here are a far cry from what they used to be back in the glory days, which I'm pretty sure were never actually a time anyone can remember. Our main export was the idea that we could take a bunch of stupid jokes about midgets and giraffes, stick them into paragraph form, and make bars of gold. Literally. We demanded people pay us in bars of gold. While I managed to do (and continue to do) quite well for myself, I left the company in the hands of imaginary people I made up to do my bidding and the result has been something of a downward spiral. These imaginary folks found that writing horrible stuff on Facebook that nobody reads is a lot easier than writing other, longer horrible stuff on another site that isn't Facebook that nobody reads. But even that's not a recipe for success. Skip Walker died while keeping his Facebook page updated. Social media is that bad these days. Thank goodness he's imaginary and we have no such thing as canon around here.
Since PNC once was (and still is) a very hot commodity on the internet and other places where they track commodities, many business experts have stepped in and offered advice on how to "right the ship" and to each of them I provide the same reply: stop talking nautical to me, dumb ass. I realize that there are a billion and one ways to get the Pollestad.Net Corporation back on the road to success. Unfortunately, I get my work ethic from the same place your father got his parenting skills, which explains why I'm never around and I'll beat you to within an inch of your pitiful life if you so much as breath next to me while I'm watching television. Now go get me a beer.
Baby steps, I guess; steps that start with a re-introduction to the world. Some of you might be older readers and some of you might be new readers. (You also might be Alex, who has Alzheimer's, in which case, Alex, you've already read this. Move on.) In either event, it's important that you understand what we do here, which is largely nothing, but every so often we will compile a list of words that form sentences and paragraphs and after some magic and wishful thinking, they make it on to the internet where they die alone. You may or may not find these compiled word lists funny. I hope you do but I don't feel like we connect on an emotional level, so I could really care less about your feelings. There is no set schedule for these updates appearing and anyone who tells you otherwise (including me) is a horrible liar who probably has sex with animals.
I wouldn't mind, at some point which could maybe be tomorrow, to see PNC back on its rightful throne of world corporate dominance but that kind of change takes time. And sacrifice. Sacrifice that I personally have to make. Just in case you forgot why I spent all of Memorial Day worshiping myself. It won't happen overnight but if this re-introduction that absolutely didn't cover anything it should have proves, it certainly can be done. Hey, if they let people with down syndrome have their own Olympics, certainly I can run a Fortune 500 company and a shitty blog. Special emphasis on the shitty blog part.
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