Do you remember 2006? I don't, but from what people tell me, it was a banner year for me writing things about things and posting them on the internet. (Unfortunately, I'm still waiting for someone to write me and let me know what the hell a "banner year" is.) It was something of a simpler time back then. Social media had not yet gone mainstream and about the only thing around that people used was MySpace, which basically limited you to organizing your friends by importance and finding new ways to use sparkle text on your profile page. Having your own "blog" was a pretty cool thing to do and no one thought twice when you spent a lot of your time writing articles on backwatershitthatnoonereads.com.

But flash forward to today. Facebook and Twitter lead the pack for keeping tabs on your friends/strangers/hot cousin and the closest anyone gets to reading an actual blog is when someone posts that they updated their Tumblr. Remember when we used to write notes on Facebook? Yeah, nobody does that shit anymore. In fact, if whatever you post can't fit into 140 characters, be prepared for all of your replies to be, "that shit is too long bro! you expect me to read all that?" At one time, I did but not now. I understand that you've got places to be and people to hang out with. I know this because you're constantly telling me about it Twitter. ("'bout to hit up this coffee shop," like that is a thing I should care about.)

But I consider myself hip and with the times, so it should come as no surprise that I have a wide variety of social media accounts and I spend a lot of time updating them. I've mentioned the Facebook Pollestad.Net page (link) on here more times than I can count -- which means more than 3 -- so it's beating a dead horse at this point. You either follow it or you don't. But that certainly shouldn't stop me from pointing out all of the hilariously funny stuff that you're missing. (Note: I'm using the words "hilariously funny" in a sarcastic way, which should hopefully clue you in that I mean the opposite.) Add into this that I am lazy and the PNC website hasn't been updated in a long while and you have yourself the makings of a new post.

So, please enjoy reading some of the best I had to offer the world over the past six months.

Any time someone says, "obesity runs in the family," you can be pretty certain that is the only thing that runs in the family.

Used to live next to State Farm back in the day. He would play loud music at all hours and leave trash on my lawn. Good neighbor, my ass.

Oh, sorry. I saw you wearing a Harley Davidson t-shirt and just assumed that you were racist.

A lot of people get mad when I tell them that I feed my daughter dog food but they'll be amazed when they see how shiny her coat is.

I like to think that the tears of fat people taste like whatever is inside a Cadbury egg.

That awkward feeling at a stoplight when your window is down and a homeless guy is begging for money? That's what sex with me is like.

People say that I am impatient because I'm so over wait.

Baby, that Victoria's Secret outfit does no more to make you a supermodel than my Champion shirt makes me look in shape.

You know, for someone who doesn't have a drinking problem, you sure are fat.

When I see handicapped people driving like assholes, it makes me wonder if that's how they wound up like that.

"If you have a problem, yo, you solve it." - Selfish Vanilla Ice

Today is different: I'm pouring out some for the homies who are still here.

Oh, you said to "shuck" the oyster?

I know a hooker who is all about her money. She never gives a fuck.

"OH NO!" -- Kool-Aid Man, after hearing some bad news.

Friends with benefits? And you don't offer a comprehensive dental plan? I don't get it.

From now on, I'm calling my collective group of guy friends "my legal adult males" because calling them "my boys" implies I sired them.

Big girls might not cry but I sure do after having sex with them.

If you can't think of anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Use finger gestures instead.

"They're great!" - Tony The Tiger, on blow jobs.

If two people in wheelchairs are having a conversation, is it considered mobile to mobile?

At gay coffee shops, is it still OK to ask for a hot cup of joe and expect them to know you meant coffee?

Despite repeated warnings, back in 1999, I talked about Fight Club a lot.

I can't believe that you're still upset with me. Running over your child with my car was an ACCIDENT. Also, it was yesterday. Let it go.

Found myself in a very shitty situation this morning but I can't really talk about it. It's a fecal matter.

Whenever someone tells me that they have a half-sister, I first think "gross" but then I ask "which half do you have?"

I imagine that it is more difficult for poor people to go cold turkey given how expensive meat and refrigeration can be.

I love it when I walk by a fat guy in a muscle shirt because I, too, enjoy a good game of pretend.

My life is a lot like Man vs Wild, except without all the outdoors stuff. I just sit around and drink pee all the time.

When I drive up next to a homeless person flashing a "need help" sign, I like to show them mine: "Would love to but can't. Stuck in car."

What does proof look like? Just ate 14 cups of pudding and didn't find any.

Dear "Superstar student at Walker Elementary," one of your parents is a horrible driver.

"I've got issues." - Magazine collector

Yeah, I graduated high school with honors. Chad Honors. He was in my math class. Good guy.

When opposite day rolls around, clean a dirty homeless person with your windshield!

Do paraplegics ever consider funny jokes to be knee-slappers?

Well, of course it's an unmarked van. If I wrote "kidnapper" on the side, you wouldn't come anywhere near it!

Whenever I start to care a little about the environment, I get stuck behind a Prius in traffic and it makes me want to burn Tupperware.

Long sentences without a punchline are no joke.

When I put my turn signal on during a merge, that means "make room or watch both our insurance premiums go up." I can afford it. Can you?

I'm writing a tell-all book. It will tell you all about everything that is written in the book.

Hired a police sketch artist to have my blood drawn.

I'm friends with a bulimic gang member and he's always throwing up signs.

I think my dog might be gay, so I tell him that I am disappointed in him and encourage him to do better in sports.

Just remember: only *I* have the power to prevent forest fires, so don't make me angry.

If loving you is wrong, I can see why. You're ugly as fuck.

Getting more and more lazy every day. Just paid a hooker to blow my nose.

Telling retarded and unfunny jokes is my cry for help.

That is only a small fraction of the more than 1,100 things I have wasted my time typing out and more are added every day! If you like comedy but hate laughing, check out Pollestad.Net On Facebook today!