Running a company is hard work. Running a profitable, multinational Fortune 2-something enterprise is even harder. Thankfully, I don't do any of that. What I do run is a completely made up company that employs a ton of overly fictitious people that I created in order to come across as larger than I really am and I'll be the first (and only) person to admit that I am damn good at what I do. I just had our accounting department run through the books and it turns out that we've been in the black for every quarter of our existence. Take that, stupid recession.

So, based on this overwhelming evidence, it's fairly easy to think that I know everything that there is to know about running and managing a successful business. It's also easy to imagine that in reality, I know absolutely nothing about good business sense and were I tasked with any real responsibility, I'd probably crash and burn as CEO harder than Carly Fiorina did but she's a women so who didn't see that one coming. Thankfully, there are people on the internet that are looking out for me and are always willing to lend a helping hand to a struggling entrepreneur. You see, while I thought that my imaginary bottom line was looking pretty good, it turns out that it could be a lot better.

I must have skipped the specific in day in business school when they were talking about it but apparently I have been ignoring a crucial step that is really holding my company back. I'm talking about SEO, or search engine optimization. According to page1@toplocations.net, "Ranking high in all of the major search engines is the most important key to your company's success. Your business goes from being unseen, or ranked very low to a very high ranking, making you sales 24/7." Who wouldn't love sales 24/7? I mean, I'd have to figure out something to sell and then make sure it was available 24/7 but how awesome does that sound? Perhaps I should learn more about this SEO business. To my surprise, I didn't have to wait long, as I was contacted directly by one Jesse Holden who seemed very eager to help me get where I wanted to be.

To: biz@pollestad.net
From Jessie Holden [jesseholden3570@gmail.com]
Subject: Pollestad.Net Submittal

We would like to get your website on first page of Google

All of our processes use the most ethical "white hat" Search Engine Optimization techniques that will not get your website banned or penalized.

Please reply and I would be happy to send you a proposal.

Wow, that sounds absolutely fantastic. Getting me on the first page of Google would surely equal "sales 24/7." But Jesse brought up a bunch of stuff that I don't understand, mostly because I am old and out of touch with society. (I still read newspapers.) Perhaps I am not the best person in the world to be discussing such a new and ground breaking topic with.

Thankfully, we just received the latest batch of PNC summer interns and if kids know one thing better than the rest of us, it's high-tech stuff. I put intern Paul on the case to get to the bottom of making my company more money.

To: Jessie Holden [jesseholden3570@gmail.com]
From: Intern Paul [intern@pollestad.net]
Subject: RE: Pollestad.Net Submittal

Dear Jesse,

Thank you for contacting us here at Pollestad.Net Holdings, LLC. (PNH, LLC, to friends and people who like abbreviations.) Your request to biz@pollestad.net has been passed on to me because I am sure that God hates me and is punishing me for something my parents did. I have been directed by upper management to open dialogue with you concerning your offer of SEO and search engine placement. Sorry if my tone seems a little bitter. It's not you -- I just hate when someone tells me to do stupid things like "open dialogue." Like, why couldn't they just say, "hey, reply to this guy's email?" Buzzwords piss me off.

Anyway, sorry about that but I wanted to get it off my chest and clear the air. My name is Paul and I am a summer intern with the company. Pollestad.Net Holdings is a small, regional sub-division of the much larger Pollestad.Net Corporation, which was founded in 1996. The company has managed to remain profitable despite the economic downturn, mostly due to our hold on niche import markets like lead-based make-up for clowns and prosthetic elbows. However, between you and me, my boss is a greedy fuck and he's always looking to make more money so here we are talking about better search engine placement.

As I said, I am just a lowly intern so I am not really all that tech savvy. I've mostly been relegated to emptying trash cans and being forced to participate in "Punch A Stranger" day which was held last week. However, most of my office time is spent making sure that no one dies from the daily game of "astronaut" that gets played. Basically, it's a game where someone puts a plastic bag over their head and keeps breathing until they feel light-headed. I guess it's like being in space or something. It really does make you wonder who does any actual work around here.

So, tell me more about this search engine optimization stuff. I don't really use them myself, especially for my own site. It seems kind of silly to look it up in a search engine given that I already know the address and how to get there. I even have it bookmarked. Does your service somehow make it appear first in my bookmarks list? Because that would be pretty cool. Also, if we're on the first page of Google, I bet that would mean a ton of increased traffic to the site. Can you do something like not allow certain people to know the site exists? I really don't want any hipsters visiting the site so if we could make the results disappear for them, then your service would pay for itself.

Also, please tell me more about this "white hat" stuff. Again, I'm not very in the know when it comes to technology so perhaps you could dumb it down for me. Like, I didn't know that fashion was so important when it came to the internet. Does what you wear impact how you operate a computer? Like, am I using "black gym shorts" techniques to send you this email? This is a serious inquiry. I don't know much about this and I would love to impress my friends with some new knowledge.

I definitely don't want to get the website banned. I didn't even know that kind of thing was possible. Well, wait a second. Unless the ban would somehow turn it into some kind of underground cult sensation. Like a banned book. That kind of ban would probably be OK but if it's another kind of ban, let's avoid that. And I guess penalization is bad too. (I giggled and said the word "penal" over and over again out loud. You should try it.)

Well, I hope that I provided you with some background on our company to work with. If you could reply back to me with your proposal and perhaps some more information on what your company does, it would be most appreciated. Again, please make sure that you dumb it down and speak in plain English. You know, not just for me but I have to go relay all this back to my boss who I personally believe is certifiably retarded. Like, he should be locked up in a place where they put away other kinds of dangerous retarded people. Yeah, it's that bad.

Looking forward to doing business with you.

Intern Paul
P.Net Holdings, LLC
intern@pollestad.net

Unfortunately, all hope of serious dialogue with Jesse Holden is thrown out the window as the reply I receive back is from a completely different person who wants me to fill out a form. I don't know why but spam people love forms. Every time there is some kind of form to fill out. Well, sorry, Jonathan Woodard, the serious boat already left and the sarcastic train is pulling into the station.

From: "Jonathan Woodard" [jon@nationalpositions.com]
To: jon@nationalpositions.com
Subject: National Positions - SEO for your website

Hello,

Thank you for your interest in National Positions. Our proposals are custom tailored to your websites needs. I have a few questions to get to know your business and marketing goals.

1) What is your domain name?
2) How long have you been in business?
3) How long have you been online?
4) Who are your top three competitors?
5) What is your biggest challenge in generating new business from your site?
6) What are your keywords?
7) What is your current monthly advertising budget?
8) What is your timeline for implementing this type of service?
9) What is the best contact # for you?

I would like to take a couple of minutes to go over them with you. So we can
better communicate, I believe it makes more sense for us to discuss issues of this detailed nature over the phone, as opposed to us emailing one-another back-and forth. If you would --- please call my direct number at 818-676-9556, or email me back with your best phone number and the best time and place in which to contact you.

I look forward to speaking with you.

Respectfully,

Jon Woodard

Jon Woodard | National Marketing Consultant | Direct: 818-676-9556 | Toll Free: 877-866-6699 Ext.142| Email: jon@nationalpositions.com Website: www.nationalpositions.com

The plus side of this whole affair is that Jon Woodard is probably a real person and that number is probably also real. National Positions is a real company and I am sure the service they offer is quite real. The downside is that all this realness doesn't make what they offer any less stupid and they are still horrible spammers at heart.

To: Jon Woodard [jon@nationalpositions.com]
From: Intern Paul [intern@pollestad.net]
Subject: RE: National Positions - SEO for your website

Dear jon@nationalpositions.com,

Thank you for jacking the line of communication that I opened with Jesse Holden. He was a man of few words and didn't ask me to fill out a stupid questionnaire and here you come storming in with your numbered list acting all high and mighty. To use Facebook terms, sir, I am not a fan and I do not like. Still, there is business at hand and also on the computer, so I suppose I should put on my serious stock photo "business face" as we get down to it.

Since I don't know you and you're not Jesse, allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Intern Paul and I work for PNH, LLC. We are launching a new online brand and would love to get you in there, jerking your hands around and make us some sales magic. But, to clarify, I have no interest in National Positions. You have an interest in National Positions. I had an interest in Jesse Holden, who is now gone. You will have to earn my trust. Either that or change your name to Jesse Holden. Jon Woodard just makes you sound like a faggot.

Let's get down to your questions.

1) What is your domain name?

dickbutt.com

2) How long have you been in business?

Two days. Our CEO had the brilliant idea to launch this brand after a beer and heroin lunch.

3) How long have you been online?

Well, I've been online for I guess an hour or so but I'm not really sure what that has to do with anything we're discussing. Save the personal chit-chat for another email, Romeo.

4) Who are your top three competitors?

I'm going to be completely honest here and say that National Positions is our greatest competitor. You see, dickbutt.com is going to be our new SEO marketing service but we need your help getting us on the first page of Google. Hopefully right above your links if possible.

5) What is your biggest challenge in generating new business from your site?

I think the biggest challenge is that search engine optimization is complete bullshit and the fact that people are willing to pay for it boggles my mind. Also, because I tell potential customers this right on the front page of our website, that may also have a detrimental affect on sales.

6) What are your keywords?

Dick, Butt, and "National Positions sucks fat balls"

7) What is your current monthly advertising budget?

This varies from month to month. Well, actually week to week. My mom gives me $5 if a take out the trash but sometimes I don't feel like it so I don't get anything. The weeks she doesn't pay me also happen to be the weeks I overdose her with sleeping pills and take everything from her wallet. So, sometimes it's $5 and sometimes it's like $47.50.

8) What is your timeline for implementing this type of service?

Firstly, it's "time line" with a space, you incompetent fuck. Second, we're just about ready to go, given that the SEO business doesn't really take any skill at all. We're ready to wing it.

9) What is the best contact # for you?

I'm going to take the fifth on this question because I have a feeling that you're not going to want to contact me after you read this email. However, if you still do, feel free to send me a follow-up email and I can include my phone number. Remember to either say that you are Jesse Holden and/or put the word "SERIOUS" in the email title so I know we're good to go.

I'd like to thank you for responding to me in such a prompt manner. I've marked your direct line down and will give you a call the next time I re-up my prepaid minutes. Mom is very stingy and she doesn't think I'm responsible enough to manage my own cell phone. Fuck you, mom. I can manage your sleeping pill intake.

Alright Jon, looking forward to doing some good business with you and your company, helping to make my company (which does the same thing as your company) get moving. Maybe once my company gets really busy based off the great work your company did in promoting it, I will hire you as a "National Marketing Consultant" for dickbutt.com. Better salary, cooler name.

Extremely Sincerely,
Intern Paul
P.Net Holdings, LLC
intern@pollestad.net

As you might expect, I didn't get a response back from Jon and I am saddened deeply because of this. Good thing I'm not the cutting type. A few weeks later, however, I did get another spam from the exact same company so it's not like they learned their lesson. The best part about that second email was Jon's new signature, which he included at the bottom of his email:

"Buying a website without search engine optimization is like spending your entire budget on a commercial without buying any air time to show it to the world."

Yes, it's exactly like that. Out of curiosity, I did a Google search for "search engine optimization" right before posting this article. National Positions isn't listed on the first page of Google. In fact, they don't appear in the first fifteen pages. Keep on truckin', National Positions.