A little more than a year ago, when I first made the announcement here that my wife was pregnant, that she was pretty sure it was mine, and that I somehow needed to be responsible for the well-being of both of them, the public reaction was a fairly mixed bag. While the mere mention of the word "sex" went over well with our immature, 13 and under demographic, the vast majority of you sided immediately with my wife and were quick to offer your condolences for allowing me to wreck her life. (If my genetic code is to be believed, we're stuck raising a sub-par gas station attendant with a negative I.Q.) And while the outpouring of emotion was most assuredly not on my side, there was one homeless guy on the street who gave me a high-five while I talked with him but that was after I gave him $1 and half my doughnut, so perhaps it shouldn't be counted.
Reactions aside, for those of you who worked up the courage to speak directly to me, one question seemed to get raised more than anything else: "Are you going to turn your website into a daddy blog?" The answer then was a quick "no" because, honestly, that's a horribly stupid idea and I threatened to taze any person who asked. Fast forward to the present and even though people have long since stopped asking me about anything website-related. mostly because nobody really gives a shit about a compilation of horribly unfunny words put together to make something much larger and much more horribly unfunny, the answer still remains a resounding "no" about starting a blog.
However, there is nothing written in the rules that states I can't post journal-style updates about my social adventures with my baby, organized by time and date. (This is mostly because I wrote "the rules" in puffy paint and then ate the t-shirt they were plastered on.) I want to be clear, though, that this is not a blog because blogs are for gigantic faggots and people who whine about having diabetes. Just for the record, this is just a dad making chronological posts on the internet about his observations on what his baby is doing. You'd have to reach pretty far to connect what I am doing here with some kind of "daddy blog" or whatever the hell you kids are calling it these days. So, whatever is posted below is stuff about me and my baby in a non-blog update about family stuff.
Thursday, 6:10 PM: Tried to teach baby the correct way to shave. Spent the next three hours at the hospital because apparently you have to wait until they are at least two years old or they cut themselves. Noted.
Saturday, 5:35 PM: Told baby that it was her night to make dinner, so I sat on the couch drinking beer and watching television. Ultimately, I went to bed hungry but not before scolding baby because macaroni and cheese really isn't that hard to make.
Sunday, 9:10 PM: Left baby in front of Home Depot all day in the hopes that she could pick up some extra money doing side work. Net return today: $0 and I got slapped by some Mexican lady for being an irresponsible parent to boot. I'm not sure I understand how the labor market works.
Tuesday, 8:55 PM: Tried to have lullaby time with baby before putting her to sleep. I selected a few death metal songs from the 80's but was dismayed to find out that baby did not know how to head bang or do the devil's horns. I will consider this attempt a failure.
Thursday Friday, 3:10 AM: Note to self: do not rely on baby to bail you out from jail. 2:00 AM is not a fun time to realize that your baby has neither a bank account nor the ability to answer the phone. On the upside, I made some new friends and they offered to babysit once they were back on the outside.
Friday, 4:27 PM: Was "asked" by the staff at my local Chili's to stop ordering my baby scotch on the rocks. Apparently you can't be thirsty at 7 months old.
Sunday, 9:42 PM: After feeding baby, she threw up all over my shirt. Five quick shots of Tequila later and the favor was returned.
Sunday, 10:15 PM: Have been advised by the laundromat owner and the police officer who arrived on scene that a coin operated washer is not the appropriate place for baby's bath time and that I shouldn't be running around the place naked, regardless of whether I feel that I have a good reason for doing so. So much for the customer is always right.
Monday, 1:35 PM: Judged the book "Outdoor Activities With Your Baby" by its cover and long story short, I learned that babies don't make very good basketballs because they are heavy, don't bounce correctly and, last I checked, basketballs shouldn't cry.
Wednesday, 11:59 PM: I'm a little pissed off right now. Baby drew the short straw tonight and got nominated for being the designated driver but I've been standing outside the bar now for three hours now waiting. Seriously, I can see the car. It's parked up the street. She's just sitting in there ignoring me. Well, crying, but ignoring me also. I made a bunch of steering wheel motions trying to get her to move the car but so far, nothing. Someone is going to get a very stern talking to if/when I ever get back to my car.
Thursday, 4:21 PM: Took baby to yoga class and it was horrible. She didn't pay any attention to the teacher and just laid there rolling around. $15 wasted.
Friday, 7:37 PM: So full. Tonight was 2-for-1 prime rib dinner. Asked baby repeatedly if she wanted hers after I had finished my plate. Was met with a blank stare and drool. Taught baby a valuable life lesson about sharing.
Sunday, 10:29 AM: Gave baby my copy of "War and Peace" to read but after quizzing her on very rudimentary stuff that occurs in the first chapter, I'm pretty certain she didn't bother to read any of it. Knowledge is power, baby.
Monday, 7:46 PM: Left baby at an all-day daycare facility. Was greeted by a very angry staff when I came and picked her up because apparently I am supposed to "sign up" and "pay" for services provided. What a load of crap. Just another sign that Obama is driving our country into the ground.
Thursday, 10:48 AM: OK, apparently the authorities get involved when you post a Craig's List ad looking to trade your child for a new Xbox 360. Perhaps I need to read up on how arranged marriages are supposed to work.
Friday, 5:17 PM: Decided that it was time to get technical with baby and taught her how to use the internet. I came back three hours later and the only site she visited was "http://casd]]] jsadkj87922" which I don't think exists.
Saturday, 11:51 AM: Took baby to the gym today to pump some iron. My experience (and crushed larynx) taught me that baby is not the correct person to ask for a spot while bench pressing heavy weights.
Monday, 12:06 PM: Southwest Airlines kindly informed me, whilst escorting me off the plane, that babies are not considered carry-on luggage and shouldn't be placed in the overhead bin, regardless of how well they fit. Whatever. I'm just trying to save space, assholes.
Saturday, 3:54 PM: Leaving your child at the "Lost & Found" while at Disneyland is, apparently, frowned upon and not how a responsible parent should seek out additional supervision of their child. Or so I was reminded three times today.
Thursday, 4:33 PM: Scanning baby at the supermarket like they do during the opening of The Simpsons does not yield the hilarity that I thought it would, unless you find cavity searches to your person hilarious.
And there you have my journal-that-is-in-no-way-a-blog update of what has been going on with me as a parent. Sure, you might read the above and say that I have a lot of work ahead of me in being the father my little girl needs me to be but I say that the baby has her work cut out for her in being the kind of responsible baby that I require her to be. There are two sides to every story.
Reactions aside, for those of you who worked up the courage to speak directly to me, one question seemed to get raised more than anything else: "Are you going to turn your website into a daddy blog?" The answer then was a quick "no" because, honestly, that's a horribly stupid idea and I threatened to taze any person who asked. Fast forward to the present and even though people have long since stopped asking me about anything website-related. mostly because nobody really gives a shit about a compilation of horribly unfunny words put together to make something much larger and much more horribly unfunny, the answer still remains a resounding "no" about starting a blog.
However, there is nothing written in the rules that states I can't post journal-style updates about my social adventures with my baby, organized by time and date. (This is mostly because I wrote "the rules" in puffy paint and then ate the t-shirt they were plastered on.) I want to be clear, though, that this is not a blog because blogs are for gigantic faggots and people who whine about having diabetes. Just for the record, this is just a dad making chronological posts on the internet about his observations on what his baby is doing. You'd have to reach pretty far to connect what I am doing here with some kind of "daddy blog" or whatever the hell you kids are calling it these days. So, whatever is posted below is stuff about me and my baby in a non-blog update about family stuff.
Thursday, 6:10 PM: Tried to teach baby the correct way to shave. Spent the next three hours at the hospital because apparently you have to wait until they are at least two years old or they cut themselves. Noted.
Saturday, 5:35 PM: Told baby that it was her night to make dinner, so I sat on the couch drinking beer and watching television. Ultimately, I went to bed hungry but not before scolding baby because macaroni and cheese really isn't that hard to make.
Sunday, 9:10 PM: Left baby in front of Home Depot all day in the hopes that she could pick up some extra money doing side work. Net return today: $0 and I got slapped by some Mexican lady for being an irresponsible parent to boot. I'm not sure I understand how the labor market works.
Tuesday, 8:55 PM: Tried to have lullaby time with baby before putting her to sleep. I selected a few death metal songs from the 80's but was dismayed to find out that baby did not know how to head bang or do the devil's horns. I will consider this attempt a failure.
Friday, 4:27 PM: Was "asked" by the staff at my local Chili's to stop ordering my baby scotch on the rocks. Apparently you can't be thirsty at 7 months old.
Sunday, 9:42 PM: After feeding baby, she threw up all over my shirt. Five quick shots of Tequila later and the favor was returned.
Sunday, 10:15 PM: Have been advised by the laundromat owner and the police officer who arrived on scene that a coin operated washer is not the appropriate place for baby's bath time and that I shouldn't be running around the place naked, regardless of whether I feel that I have a good reason for doing so. So much for the customer is always right.
Monday, 1:35 PM: Judged the book "Outdoor Activities With Your Baby" by its cover and long story short, I learned that babies don't make very good basketballs because they are heavy, don't bounce correctly and, last I checked, basketballs shouldn't cry.
Wednesday, 11:59 PM: I'm a little pissed off right now. Baby drew the short straw tonight and got nominated for being the designated driver but I've been standing outside the bar now for three hours now waiting. Seriously, I can see the car. It's parked up the street. She's just sitting in there ignoring me. Well, crying, but ignoring me also. I made a bunch of steering wheel motions trying to get her to move the car but so far, nothing. Someone is going to get a very stern talking to if/when I ever get back to my car.
Thursday, 4:21 PM: Took baby to yoga class and it was horrible. She didn't pay any attention to the teacher and just laid there rolling around. $15 wasted.
Friday, 7:37 PM: So full. Tonight was 2-for-1 prime rib dinner. Asked baby repeatedly if she wanted hers after I had finished my plate. Was met with a blank stare and drool. Taught baby a valuable life lesson about sharing.
Sunday, 10:29 AM: Gave baby my copy of "War and Peace" to read but after quizzing her on very rudimentary stuff that occurs in the first chapter, I'm pretty certain she didn't bother to read any of it. Knowledge is power, baby.
Monday, 7:46 PM: Left baby at an all-day daycare facility. Was greeted by a very angry staff when I came and picked her up because apparently I am supposed to "sign up" and "pay" for services provided. What a load of crap. Just another sign that Obama is driving our country into the ground.
Thursday, 10:48 AM: OK, apparently the authorities get involved when you post a Craig's List ad looking to trade your child for a new Xbox 360. Perhaps I need to read up on how arranged marriages are supposed to work.
Friday, 5:17 PM: Decided that it was time to get technical with baby and taught her how to use the internet. I came back three hours later and the only site she visited was "http://casd]]] jsadkj87922" which I don't think exists.
Saturday, 11:51 AM: Took baby to the gym today to pump some iron. My experience (and crushed larynx) taught me that baby is not the correct person to ask for a spot while bench pressing heavy weights.
Monday, 12:06 PM: Southwest Airlines kindly informed me, whilst escorting me off the plane, that babies are not considered carry-on luggage and shouldn't be placed in the overhead bin, regardless of how well they fit. Whatever. I'm just trying to save space, assholes.
Saturday, 3:54 PM: Leaving your child at the "Lost & Found" while at Disneyland is, apparently, frowned upon and not how a responsible parent should seek out additional supervision of their child. Or so I was reminded three times today.
Thursday, 4:33 PM: Scanning baby at the supermarket like they do during the opening of The Simpsons does not yield the hilarity that I thought it would, unless you find cavity searches to your person hilarious.
And there you have my journal-that-is-in-no-way-a-blog update of what has been going on with me as a parent. Sure, you might read the above and say that I have a lot of work ahead of me in being the father my little girl needs me to be but I say that the baby has her work cut out for her in being the kind of responsible baby that I require her to be. There are two sides to every story.