As one of the foremost writers of comedy for an internet site which nobody reads, I'm no stranger to fame or being lauded with copious amounts of awards and recognition. Of course, being the insanely wealthy CEO of a highly successful interplanetary corporation doesn't hurt either. (Having offices solely on Earth is so 1990's.) Not a week goes by that I'm not getting calls and voice mails from people wishing to honor my greatness and it's all that I can do to hold back the inevitable yawn when I hear the words "we'd like to bestow upon you this honor..." Given my position and standing in the world community, it's not unusual for someone who is beloved as I am to think that they've seen and done it all. Mostly because I have, but that doesn't mean that life isn't without its share of minor surprises. You see, last week I received notification that I was in line for yet another award but after forcing my secretary to train a parrot to read the letter and only listening to every third word, it became quite clear to me that this was no ordinary award.
The world, it would seem, is now my oyster. Situated high atop my distinguished perch, I can look down upon all and professionally cast judgment on those who I feel are not worthy which, for the record, is pretty everyone who is NOT in the Distinguished Professionals Online club. I haven't been given my official member listing yet so I don't currently know who is who but I think I'm just going to wing it for a while and see where that gets me. I mean, I'm pretty certain that homeless people and fast food cooks are not allowed in the club, so I can definitely make fun of them. I can also surmise that you, the reader, are not a member of this exclusive club, largely because if you were, you would be bragging about it to the world same as me. And because you a not a member, my new elite standing provides me the opportunity to point at you and laugh. Out loud. Perhaps while rolling on the floor, if that was something I so chose to do.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I am better than you are. I don't have to. My membership and that email say it for me and the benefits of being a highly distinguished professional are already starting to roll in. For example, I have begun receiving special offers via my professional email address that provide me exclusive access to products and services at fantastic prices. I'm pretty sure that "Tina Matthews" isn't offering sexual medications to just anyone. She has "discounts and perfect prices only for you" which means me and only me. Not you. Damn right, I'll "Be sexual giant all night long." Life is very good when you're living la vida distinguished professional.
So, what exactly does being a member of the Distinguished Professionals Online group entail? Fuck if I know but I bet it's a bunch of really cool stuff. Like maybe we get to beat up elderly people while wearing top hats and monocles or maybe we get to eat beef jerky while talking in real stuffy tones about overseas markets. Whatever it is, I bet it is really distinguished and professional. And don't even get me started on their "publication" and "online network." I mean, a network that's online? That's fucking incredible. These guys must be from the future! A really, really professional future where people like you are not allowed. I imagine that I will get access to a super secret internet that consists solely of other distinguished people such as myself where we can share tips and swap stories of us being professional. It's like a never-ending eminent circle-jerk except instead of semen, we all shoot rainbows and entitlement from our collective dicks. Success has never been so sticky.
As much I would love to sit around and shoot the breeze with you all day, however, an individual like me who is now both professionally distinguished and distinguishably professional has much better things to do. Much more important things to do. What these things are specifically I cannot say, largely because I now speak in a language of which you are unable to understand. A language of a person who is just plain awesome and has the award to back it up. OK, I haven't "officially" received my award yet but it's coming. I'm sure of it. I mean, I'm dealing with professionals, right? And hey, don't give up hope. It's not like we won't ever see each other again. I'm sure you can snag some kind of catering job or wait some tables at our next professional get-together. Feel free to stop by and say hi if you're not busy. It shouldn't be hard to find me. Just look for the most distinguished person in the room.
Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2010 18:55:23Finally, after years of toiling away doing whatever it was that made my profile such a fitting addition to someone's publication, I've finally started to get the attention that I deserve for being who I am. Now, I know what you might be thinking, "Randy, you're neither distinguished nor a professional and that email is probably just a generic spam message meant to capture your email address" but you would be wrong. Maybe not about any of the things you just said but you're probably wrong about something, similar to how I was wrong when I decided that giving out rabid puppies as Christmas presents to children who can't afford vaccinations was a good idea. Not to mention that you are probably also jealous. But I did mention it, even if I didn't need to, because that is what professionals do.
From: Distinguished Professionals Online
To: Randy Pollestad
Subject: Your Recent Nomination Into Distinguished Professionals
Dear Randy Pollestad,
You were recently chosen as a potential candidate to represent your professional community in the 2010/2011 Edition of Distinguished Professionals Online.
We are please to inform you that your candidacy was formally approved March 15th, 2010. Congratulations.
The Publishing Committee selected you as a potential candidate based not only upon your current standing, but focusing as well on criteria from executive and professional directories, associations, and trade journals. Given your background, the Director believes your profile makes a fitting addition to our publication and our online network.
Sincerely,
Robert Patterson
Vice President, Research Division
Distinguished Professionals Online
26 Bond Street
Westbury, NY 11542, USA
The world, it would seem, is now my oyster. Situated high atop my distinguished perch, I can look down upon all and professionally cast judgment on those who I feel are not worthy which, for the record, is pretty everyone who is NOT in the Distinguished Professionals Online club. I haven't been given my official member listing yet so I don't currently know who is who but I think I'm just going to wing it for a while and see where that gets me. I mean, I'm pretty certain that homeless people and fast food cooks are not allowed in the club, so I can definitely make fun of them. I can also surmise that you, the reader, are not a member of this exclusive club, largely because if you were, you would be bragging about it to the world same as me. And because you a not a member, my new elite standing provides me the opportunity to point at you and laugh. Out loud. Perhaps while rolling on the floor, if that was something I so chose to do.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I am better than you are. I don't have to. My membership and that email say it for me and the benefits of being a highly distinguished professional are already starting to roll in. For example, I have begun receiving special offers via my professional email address that provide me exclusive access to products and services at fantastic prices. I'm pretty sure that "Tina Matthews" isn't offering sexual medications to just anyone. She has "discounts and perfect prices only for you" which means me and only me. Not you. Damn right, I'll "Be sexual giant all night long." Life is very good when you're living la vida distinguished professional.
So, what exactly does being a member of the Distinguished Professionals Online group entail? Fuck if I know but I bet it's a bunch of really cool stuff. Like maybe we get to beat up elderly people while wearing top hats and monocles or maybe we get to eat beef jerky while talking in real stuffy tones about overseas markets. Whatever it is, I bet it is really distinguished and professional. And don't even get me started on their "publication" and "online network." I mean, a network that's online? That's fucking incredible. These guys must be from the future! A really, really professional future where people like you are not allowed. I imagine that I will get access to a super secret internet that consists solely of other distinguished people such as myself where we can share tips and swap stories of us being professional. It's like a never-ending eminent circle-jerk except instead of semen, we all shoot rainbows and entitlement from our collective dicks. Success has never been so sticky.
As much I would love to sit around and shoot the breeze with you all day, however, an individual like me who is now both professionally distinguished and distinguishably professional has much better things to do. Much more important things to do. What these things are specifically I cannot say, largely because I now speak in a language of which you are unable to understand. A language of a person who is just plain awesome and has the award to back it up. OK, I haven't "officially" received my award yet but it's coming. I'm sure of it. I mean, I'm dealing with professionals, right? And hey, don't give up hope. It's not like we won't ever see each other again. I'm sure you can snag some kind of catering job or wait some tables at our next professional get-together. Feel free to stop by and say hi if you're not busy. It shouldn't be hard to find me. Just look for the most distinguished person in the room.