Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. Or so I am told. It has been 42 days since my last update and there seems to be no shortage of willing people who are eager to remind me of this fact. Apparently I am not allowed to take some vacation during the holidays like ordinary people do around this time of year. It would seem that the task of providing free, meaningless entertainment to a small minority of people on the internet takes precedence over me being able to enjoy some time off and for that I am bitter. Well, because of that and the fact that the good Lord decided to take Brittany Murphy up to heaven before her time and now what I "supposedly" do in the shower while thinking about her is suddenly a bad thing. Judge me how you like, I'm not stopping.
Having said all that, before we move further, I want to use this update to clear up a few things. This update does not constitute some kind of "comeback." As the title implies, I am still very much on hiatus. The fact that none of you have sent me envelopes full of cash has made me that much more determined to continue down that path. This hiatus is likely going to continue until the early part of 2010 and short of a roving gang of midgets overthrowing my rule of the P.Net Corporation, this decision is pretty much final. However, despite the truth that I don't give a shit about anyone but myself, I felt it necessary to fill people in on the activities that I have been engaged in since going off the radar, if only to alleviate the rumor that milking farm animals has eclipsed "writing unfunny shit on the internet" as my favorite pastime. (It has.)
So, to keep the remainder of those who pester me at bay, I have compiled a list below of everything that I have been involved in since we last spoke.
Having said all that, before we move further, I want to use this update to clear up a few things. This update does not constitute some kind of "comeback." As the title implies, I am still very much on hiatus. The fact that none of you have sent me envelopes full of cash has made me that much more determined to continue down that path. This hiatus is likely going to continue until the early part of 2010 and short of a roving gang of midgets overthrowing my rule of the P.Net Corporation, this decision is pretty much final. However, despite the truth that I don't give a shit about anyone but myself, I felt it necessary to fill people in on the activities that I have been engaged in since going off the radar, if only to alleviate the rumor that milking farm animals has eclipsed "writing unfunny shit on the internet" as my favorite pastime. (It has.)
So, to keep the remainder of those who pester me at bay, I have compiled a list below of everything that I have been involved in since we last spoke.
As you can see, I have been quite busy during my time off and I fear the list is only going to continue to grow. For the sake of completeness, however, I will keep on recording events as they happen, likely to produce a follow-up list some time next year. Until then, I plan on riding an asteroid around space and hitting all of those floating intergalactic diners I've heard so much about. See you in 2010.After seeing all the commercials, I embarked on a spiritual quest to find out what Droid really does. Apparently, Droid is just a phone and does not, in fact, engage in sexual congress with strangers who embark on spiritual quests like I had originally thought. There was an awkward silence followed by me leaving disappointed. I guess I will just have to wait for Fleshlight to come out with a mobile phone.
Got a perm.
Crafted the ultimate "yo momma" joke insult but came down with a severe case of amnesia from a nasty bee sting before I got a chance to write it down.
Had sex with Tiger Woods. Twice.
Worked with the company that owns Mapquest to create a website that contains detailed instructions on how exactly to get to Sesame Street in the hopes that those stupid kids on television would quit asking me for directions.
Got really drunk and peed somewhere that I shouldn't have.
Spent an entire day ending every sentence with the word, "dawg" and was savagely beaten until I promised never to do that again.
Learned the hard way that good foreign diplomacy does not involve jokes about rape and "fake dog poop" gag gifts. Three countries in Africa now hate the United States more than they used to.
Was promptly not invited back to "Jewish Scrabble Night" at my local community center after I accused my opponent of making up words like "rabbi" and "hanukkah".
Went on an all butter creme diet. Gained 50 pounds.
In an effort to battle the increasing threat of online identity theft, I changed all of my computer and banking passwords from "password" to "Password" because I heard that hackers hate capital letters. My personal security alert level is now purple.
Stopped abiding by all traffic laws in order to protest world hunger.
Actively monitored a program that actively monitors fax machines. No one has yet to figure out a reason that adequately explains why it is that I do this.
Kicked rhymes on mad records just because I could.
Lost my genitals in an unfortunate deli slicer accident. On the positive side of things, I wound up with some incredibly tasty sandwiches.
Found out that it really is fun to stay at he YMCA, provided that your idea of fun is being diddled by dirty old homeless men twice your age. Unfortunately, they kick you out after two consecutive weeks so the fun is short-lived. Maybe they should change the song so it says "It's fun to stay at the YMCA, provided that you have a short attention span and don't intend on getting involved in any long-term activities while here."
Befriended a spider. We hung out a few times but it ultimately didn't work out after I realized that he was just using me for sex.
Ran while carrying scissors. OK, actually it was more like a light jog but I'm pretty sure the rule stands for anything above a brisk walk.
Tried heroin.
Sat on the couch for 72 straight hours without moving. When my wife asked me why I was being so lazy, I replied that I was merely trying to live a day in the life of a paraplegic and demanded that she get me dinner from the kitchen and spoon-feed me.
Partied like it was 1999. This actually isn't as great as it sounds considering that I wasn't yet 21 in 1999 so having to bribe older men to buy me alcohol by performing sexual favors in the alley behind 7-11 seems like a step backwards in my social career.
Discovered that the best part of waking up has absolutely nothing to do with whether I have Foldger's in my cup or not.
Despite television advertising to the contrary, after an exhaustive plane flight to Europe and many days wasted investigating, I realized that my hunger does not in fact go to Germany after I eat a Snickers bar.
Rolled around in nuclear waste on two separate occasions trying to become a ninja turtle and while I was not successful, I did manage to grow a third ear. I promise that I will only use for good.
Lost an entire weekend watching Asian snuff films while a midget tickled my ass with a furry banana.
Visited a dyslexic friend who said he "halled his decks with holly of boughs" just in time for Christmas.
Attended a Tea Party in Washington D.C. but quickly grew frustrated as I noticed a distinct lack of both tea and party at the event. It turned out to be just a bunch of crazy people yelling about guns and public stock options or something.
Discovered scientific proof that yelling at a television during a sporting event actually influences how the team plays. Went hoarse shortly thereafter.
Participated in a three-way with a paranoid schizophrenic.