It's been said many times in the past but as is the case with such things, they often bear repeating: Writing articles on the internet is serious business. Serious business that requires serious attention. Attention that we, frankly, don't have but that doesn't stop other serious people from writing us serious letters after taking some of the past articles that we have written seriously. You would think after 16 some-odd mailbags, the letters would stop but they do not.
We recently launched a new update series where we take letters from people who ask us advice and subject them to various forms of group ridicule while simultaneously trying very hard not to actually answer their questions. The first update in this series fared with mixed results. Perhaps this was because not many people can relate to people shitting on other people's roofs. Or perhaps our audience that day was feeling particularly high-brow. Whatever the case, we're back with a follow-up entry which deals with topics a little closer to home: pizza and theft. Sounds like a fun Wednesday night to me. Let's jump right to the nitty gritty and see what all of this means.
Rad Tad: Violence is not the answer. You should involve the police in this serious matter.
J.Truth: Yes, call the cops on the salad thief.
Art: Put the chick peas down, sir. I SAID PUT THE CHICK PEAS DOWN! I need backup by the croutons. NOW, GODDAMMIT!
Reggie: Man you betta fight to protect yo salad bar. In my hood we cap people for touching our salad plates.
Skip Walker: Question/scenario: Say I am out with a friend at your pizza place and I really don't want a salad but my friend does. He says the salad is so good and that I have to try a bite, am I allowed to have a bite of his salad? If so, at what point does it cross the line into inappropriate salad sharing?
J.Truth: Seriously, have you ever had a salad at a pizza place that was so good that you were like "oh my god you gotta try this"?
Skip Walker: Point to you. But what if they had properly eaten the salad only to regurgitate it minutes later and feed their children with the half-digested mass? Would that be acceptable?
Reggie: No because it would mean there were fucking BIRD PEOPLE in the restaurant, man!
RP: Yesterday, I went out to eat and saw some guy share his french fries with his girlfriend. Unlike Pete, I took care of business with a vicious roundhouse to his face and kicked him down a flight of stairs. He didn't live the night. Learn from me, Pete: Be a man and physically assault your customers.
Art: Whenever I order water at a fast food place I put soda in the cup out of habit. Then I'm like "oh shit, do I dump it or drink it?" I can't get out of being an asshole once the liquid is in the cup. Also at the end of a meal and there are napkins left over, sometimes I keep those napkins and use them in a competing eating establishment. I just don't feel remorse, I guess.
Rad Tad: If fast food employees were allowed to carry guns, your story might have ended a bit differently. Just saying, thief.
Skip Walker: I really don't see what the big deal is. Sharing is not a crime.
RP: Well said, COMRADE. Maybe you should see how many all you can eat places you can find in Moscow.
Art: We didn't aim all those nukes at Russia just so we could collectivize our salad bars, pinko.
J.Truth: Is a man not entitled to share the lettuce he buys from the pizza place? "NO!" says the man in Washington! The lettuce belongs to only one man!
Reggie: I heard that in Canada, they have free universal salad but the lines are way long.
RP: Universal Salad could never be implemented in America.
Art: I don't want some committee telling me how much dressing I can use!
Skip Walker: America needs salad bar reform.
Rad Tad: America has the best salad in the world, I don't see why we should change it. Except for maybe we should keep them illegals from taking my lettuce.
J.Truth: You will pry the dressing from my cold stiff fingers. No blood for oil and vinegar!
Skip Walker: Our once great nation is now plagued by people who steal salad. God speed to you, Pete, for fighting the good fight.
RP: Grand theft vegetable is a serious crime that affects us all.
Art: If you didn't pay for it, leaf it alone.
J.Truth: Salad theft is just the tip of the iceberg.
Reggie: Maybe if more people stole salad at salad bars, America wouldn't be SO FUCKING FAT.
Art: Yeah, I am pretty sure there's more stealing chicken fried steaks at the all-you-can-eat chicken fried steak bar.
RP: The amount of ranch dressing an obese person puts on a salad immediately invalidates any healthy upside to eating the salad in the first place. But it's OK because they ordered a diet Coke to go with it.
Skip Walker: I heard that the upcoming Oceans 14 movie is about a salad bar heist.
J.Truth: Brad Pitt eats during the entire movie once again but this time he never leaves the salad bar and he shares his plate with George Clooney. Madcap antics ensue.
Rad Tad: You know what a good idea would be? You could put the salad bar inside a nuclear-safe vault inside the restaurant and then whenever someone wants the salad bar you could issue them a plate with a serial number on it and allow them to make their salad for no more than 3 minutes under the close supervision of armed guards.
RP: That's not really a very good idea at all unless you want to start charging $500 per plate to cover costs.
Skip Walker: A cheaper alternative would be to simply hire a big black guy to stand next to the salad bar. If at any time someone even looks in the direction of their friend's plate, have him sternly yell "NO SHARING!"
Reggie: Shit, if you did that in the Midwest, nobody will eat at the salad bar, period.
RP: I am pretty sure that no one in the Midwest eats salad as is right now anyway.
Art: I think we've all learned something today. Owning a salad bar is not all it's cracked up to be. There are thieves, for instance. And fat people.
J.Truth: Salad abuse is a very serious discussion topic.
Skip Walker: Salad abuse is always serious. If you or anyone you know has a salad abuse problem, please call the salad abuse hot line. We can help.
Rad Tad: I abuse the established salad bar system by loading my plate with radicchio, blue cheese and pancetta. I know these cost the most so I am only taking these and I am eating way more than 4 bucks worth. It tastes horrible but at least I know they're not making a profit off me.
RP: The salad police have been notified of your behavior. You have been put on the salad terrorist watch list.
Reggie: I really wish the ACLU gave as much attention to the salad watch list as the plane watch list. Just because my sister has a European last name and is 300 pounds does not mean she should have to have her flabs of fat searched every time she leaves the buffet. Fascist assholes.
Art: I steal salad and give it to starving orphans. Who's the bad guy now?
J.Truth: The fucking orphans who aren't getting jobs to pay for their own one-time-through salad. Duh.
Skip Walker: I am the salad thief. I come into your salad bars and eat all your food.
RP: Pete, serious topic time. You work at Izzy's, a chain pizza buffet and you're wondering why you don't have a super high-class salad-paying-for clientele all too eager to play by the rules?
Art: SUPERME. 325 DOLLARS.
Reggie: YUMMY. But yeah, it seems like a high class place and I very much understand your frustration and anger at people who take more lettuce than they can use.
Rad Tad: That guy in the photo has the smuggest look on his face. Like he knows that he is about to go inside and steal salad like there is no tomorrow and Pete will do nothing but embarrass him in front of the other customers.
Skip Walker: When you go outside dressed like that, embarrassment is something you're no longer capable of feeling.
RP: Do you think that the salad buffet could produce a salad so big that even Jesus could not eat it?
Skip Walker: Possibly. That's why he had 12 apostles, to slip them the excess.
Art: Which would explain why Judas got so pissed off at him, since he managed a pizza and salad buffet restaurant.
J.Truth: How annoyed would Pete be if Jesus wandered into his shitty strip mall pizza and salad buffet place?
Rad Tad: "I sold you ONE plate Jesus. ONE PLATE!"
RP: "And yet now there are many plates my son, with bountiful iceberg lettuce and diced hard boiled egg for all who accept me as their Lord and Savior."
Skip Walker: "Tom can you come up front please I'm having a real problem here..."
Reggie: http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/4242058/detail.html - this is it. This is what happens to salad thieves.
RP: You'll be tasered in front of everyone at the restaurant and you will probably wet your pants. Your children will see it.
J.Truth: You'll recover from the tasering but your honor will be scarred.
Skip Walker: Moral of the story: leave salad stealing at Chuck-E-Cheese to the pros.
RP: Honestly, I don't even care anymore. Fuck this. Fuck salad. Fuck everything.
Reggie: As long as you don't let your friends fuck the salad too, we're cool.
RP: Things I take seriously:
We recently launched a new update series where we take letters from people who ask us advice and subject them to various forms of group ridicule while simultaneously trying very hard not to actually answer their questions. The first update in this series fared with mixed results. Perhaps this was because not many people can relate to people shitting on other people's roofs. Or perhaps our audience that day was feeling particularly high-brow. Whatever the case, we're back with a follow-up entry which deals with topics a little closer to home: pizza and theft. Sounds like a fun Wednesday night to me. Let's jump right to the nitty gritty and see what all of this means.
Dear P.Net,RP: There is only one reasonable solution to this problem: GET A GUN AND KILL THEM.
I recently stumbled across your last article where you gave advice to someone in need so I thought "what the hell" and gave this letter a shot.
Here is my question: How do you justify theft in plain sight?
I'm not talking about car theft, burglary, etc., but rather blatant public theft in broad daylight. I work at a Izzy's Pizza and naturally we have a salad bar to go along with our delicious pizza. There are two options for the salad bar: Once through or all-you-can-eat. Every day there are honest people that purchase one plate for each person that is going through the salad bar. There are also people who purchase one all-you-can-eat and then pass that plate around to one or more other people. These are the thieves of which I am speaking.
Once we identify that these customers are sharing their salad plate, it is our job to inform them that each plate is for one person only and they will need to purchase an additional plate. Usually people play dumb like they don't know any better. I know they know that they are trying to rip us off and it's embarrassing to have to reveal them in front of other customers. I realize that I'm ranting about my job, but I was wondering if you had any insight into my question.
How do these dirtbags justify stealing my salad when they know that it's wrong?
Thanks,
Pete
Rad Tad: Violence is not the answer. You should involve the police in this serious matter.
J.Truth: Yes, call the cops on the salad thief.
Art: Put the chick peas down, sir. I SAID PUT THE CHICK PEAS DOWN! I need backup by the croutons. NOW, GODDAMMIT!
Reggie: Man you betta fight to protect yo salad bar. In my hood we cap people for touching our salad plates.
Skip Walker: Question/scenario: Say I am out with a friend at your pizza place and I really don't want a salad but my friend does. He says the salad is so good and that I have to try a bite, am I allowed to have a bite of his salad? If so, at what point does it cross the line into inappropriate salad sharing?
J.Truth: Seriously, have you ever had a salad at a pizza place that was so good that you were like "oh my god you gotta try this"?
Skip Walker: Point to you. But what if they had properly eaten the salad only to regurgitate it minutes later and feed their children with the half-digested mass? Would that be acceptable?
Reggie: No because it would mean there were fucking BIRD PEOPLE in the restaurant, man!
RP: Yesterday, I went out to eat and saw some guy share his french fries with his girlfriend. Unlike Pete, I took care of business with a vicious roundhouse to his face and kicked him down a flight of stairs. He didn't live the night. Learn from me, Pete: Be a man and physically assault your customers.
Art: Whenever I order water at a fast food place I put soda in the cup out of habit. Then I'm like "oh shit, do I dump it or drink it?" I can't get out of being an asshole once the liquid is in the cup. Also at the end of a meal and there are napkins left over, sometimes I keep those napkins and use them in a competing eating establishment. I just don't feel remorse, I guess.
Rad Tad: If fast food employees were allowed to carry guns, your story might have ended a bit differently. Just saying, thief.
Skip Walker: I really don't see what the big deal is. Sharing is not a crime.
RP: Well said, COMRADE. Maybe you should see how many all you can eat places you can find in Moscow.
Art: We didn't aim all those nukes at Russia just so we could collectivize our salad bars, pinko.
J.Truth: Is a man not entitled to share the lettuce he buys from the pizza place? "NO!" says the man in Washington! The lettuce belongs to only one man!
Reggie: I heard that in Canada, they have free universal salad but the lines are way long.
RP: Universal Salad could never be implemented in America.
Art: I don't want some committee telling me how much dressing I can use!
Skip Walker: America needs salad bar reform.
Rad Tad: America has the best salad in the world, I don't see why we should change it. Except for maybe we should keep them illegals from taking my lettuce.
J.Truth: You will pry the dressing from my cold stiff fingers. No blood for oil and vinegar!
Skip Walker: Our once great nation is now plagued by people who steal salad. God speed to you, Pete, for fighting the good fight.
RP: Grand theft vegetable is a serious crime that affects us all.
Art: If you didn't pay for it, leaf it alone.
J.Truth: Salad theft is just the tip of the iceberg.
Reggie: Maybe if more people stole salad at salad bars, America wouldn't be SO FUCKING FAT.
Art: Yeah, I am pretty sure there's more stealing chicken fried steaks at the all-you-can-eat chicken fried steak bar.
RP: The amount of ranch dressing an obese person puts on a salad immediately invalidates any healthy upside to eating the salad in the first place. But it's OK because they ordered a diet Coke to go with it.
Skip Walker: I heard that the upcoming Oceans 14 movie is about a salad bar heist.
J.Truth: Brad Pitt eats during the entire movie once again but this time he never leaves the salad bar and he shares his plate with George Clooney. Madcap antics ensue.
Rad Tad: You know what a good idea would be? You could put the salad bar inside a nuclear-safe vault inside the restaurant and then whenever someone wants the salad bar you could issue them a plate with a serial number on it and allow them to make their salad for no more than 3 minutes under the close supervision of armed guards.
RP: That's not really a very good idea at all unless you want to start charging $500 per plate to cover costs.
Skip Walker: A cheaper alternative would be to simply hire a big black guy to stand next to the salad bar. If at any time someone even looks in the direction of their friend's plate, have him sternly yell "NO SHARING!"
Reggie: Shit, if you did that in the Midwest, nobody will eat at the salad bar, period.
RP: I am pretty sure that no one in the Midwest eats salad as is right now anyway.
Art: I think we've all learned something today. Owning a salad bar is not all it's cracked up to be. There are thieves, for instance. And fat people.
J.Truth: Salad abuse is a very serious discussion topic.
Skip Walker: Salad abuse is always serious. If you or anyone you know has a salad abuse problem, please call the salad abuse hot line. We can help.
Rad Tad: I abuse the established salad bar system by loading my plate with radicchio, blue cheese and pancetta. I know these cost the most so I am only taking these and I am eating way more than 4 bucks worth. It tastes horrible but at least I know they're not making a profit off me.
RP: The salad police have been notified of your behavior. You have been put on the salad terrorist watch list.
Reggie: I really wish the ACLU gave as much attention to the salad watch list as the plane watch list. Just because my sister has a European last name and is 300 pounds does not mean she should have to have her flabs of fat searched every time she leaves the buffet. Fascist assholes.
Art: I steal salad and give it to starving orphans. Who's the bad guy now?
J.Truth: The fucking orphans who aren't getting jobs to pay for their own one-time-through salad. Duh.
Skip Walker: I am the salad thief. I come into your salad bars and eat all your food.
RP: Pete, serious topic time. You work at Izzy's, a chain pizza buffet and you're wondering why you don't have a super high-class salad-paying-for clientele all too eager to play by the rules?
Art: SUPERME. 325 DOLLARS.
Reggie: YUMMY. But yeah, it seems like a high class place and I very much understand your frustration and anger at people who take more lettuce than they can use.
Rad Tad: That guy in the photo has the smuggest look on his face. Like he knows that he is about to go inside and steal salad like there is no tomorrow and Pete will do nothing but embarrass him in front of the other customers.
Skip Walker: When you go outside dressed like that, embarrassment is something you're no longer capable of feeling.
RP: Do you think that the salad buffet could produce a salad so big that even Jesus could not eat it?
Skip Walker: Possibly. That's why he had 12 apostles, to slip them the excess.
Art: Which would explain why Judas got so pissed off at him, since he managed a pizza and salad buffet restaurant.
J.Truth: How annoyed would Pete be if Jesus wandered into his shitty strip mall pizza and salad buffet place?
Rad Tad: "I sold you ONE plate Jesus. ONE PLATE!"
RP: "And yet now there are many plates my son, with bountiful iceberg lettuce and diced hard boiled egg for all who accept me as their Lord and Savior."
Skip Walker: "Tom can you come up front please I'm having a real problem here..."
Reggie: http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/4242058/detail.html - this is it. This is what happens to salad thieves.
RP: You'll be tasered in front of everyone at the restaurant and you will probably wet your pants. Your children will see it.
J.Truth: You'll recover from the tasering but your honor will be scarred.
Skip Walker: Moral of the story: leave salad stealing at Chuck-E-Cheese to the pros.
RP: Honestly, I don't even care anymore. Fuck this. Fuck salad. Fuck everything.
Reggie: As long as you don't let your friends fuck the salad too, we're cool.
RP: Things I take seriously:
- My family's health and well-being
- Politics
- Professional wrestling
- The salad bar
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