Dear America,
You probably don't know me but I wanted to take some time out to write you this letter and introduce myself. My name is Randy Pollestad and I have been a citizen of yours for more than 30 years. I'm tend to keep to myself for the most part so I'm not offended if you don't immediately recognize me. I've got this little web page thing going on the internet where I occasionally write stuff. If you ever Google "pollestad" for whatever reason, I come up first. Oh, thanks for that by the way. The internet, I mean. Aside from the furries and the Fox News website, it's a pretty cool place to hang out.
I realize that today is probably a pretty busy day for you with it being the anniversary of 9/11 and all. It's hard to believe that it's been eight years already. Do you remember how life was before the attack? We could actually bring a bottle of water into the airport and not face the possibility of getting shot at by some over-zealous do-gooder from Homeland Security. Hell, those guys didn't even exist back then. Proudly sporting an American flag was pretty much the dominion of old people and the uncool and we equally made fun of both. You want me to put what on my brand new car? A picture of an eagle and a flag and some pro-country bullshit? Not in a million years. Man, those were good times.
Do you remember when the Middle East was just sand, a few cities and a bunch of really cool dudes that we bought oil from? Sure, they've hijacked a few planes in their time but it never hurt us. That's just their thing -- it's what they are good at. That whole World Trade thing? That was just poor piloting. You see, they didn't really get the proper flight training that they needed and I imagine that the pilot was quite nervous. I know I would be because I also have no idea how to fly a 747. They were probably just trying to see all of the sights of New York and what better way to do that than from the cockpit? The whole crash thing was an accident because I know for a fact that you can't see much of anything after you're dead.
I wouldn't mind taking an aerial tour of New York someday but I really can't afford it right now. I don't know if you know this but the American economy is pretty much in the shitter. I don't know how up you are on your own slang but just for reference, "in the shitter" is not a good thing. You see, after the buildings crashed into those planes, we did all kinds of stupid stuff with your money. We started a few wars because we love God more than other countries and we encouraged everyone to rack up a bunch of debt buying stuff that they didn't need. We listened in on the phone calls to each other so that we could hear them talking about all of the unnecessary stuff that they just bought. Also, we were checking to see if they might believe in a different God than we did and if so, we took action to lock them up because we can't have people like that roaming around. Just between you and me, I bought a website a few years back that I didn't need and never used so I am just as guilty as the rest.
I'm sure you probably noticed all of the marching and protesting going on surrounding all of that stuff. Well, you would have if it actually happened. Do you remember that whole Bill of Rights thing we have? A lot of that went out of the window in order to protect our freedom. I mean, that was a good thing right? We're more free now than ever before, right? As long as I don't become Muslim or want to marry another man, I'm pretty much free to do whatever I want, especially if what I want to do involves not wearing shoes through checkpoints and giving up my right to privacy. I don't have anything to hide, so what's the big deal?
You have to trust the people that are in charge to make the right decisions. That's why they are elected. I mean, even if they aren't the winner of the actual election, they still get the job anyway so I assume that means that they must be really good at what they do. The issues are probably really complex so leaving it up to the average Joe to read, decide, or vote on sounds like a horrible idea. I mean, I'll admit to a little bit of confusion myself. After 9/11 happened and in the years following it, one merely followed whatever the President said. That was the patriotic thing to do. You didn't argue about it because he sees the complete picture. But earlier this year, we elected some black guy to run things and now everything is backwards. If you listen to the President, you're a socialist, communist, Nazi, or some semblance of all three. Now you're supposed to be vocal and upset about his policies, even if what you're saying doesn't make any sense or has any shred of truth to it. I guess I must have missed the twitter update where we all decided we're switching gears. Clearly, this is why I'm not allowed to be a policy maker in your fine country. Well, that, and the fact that I am not a hypocrite.
But hey, you know, it's not all bad. I still have my guns. I can't really use them anywhere without getting arrested but it sure looks nice on my wall. My neighbor was pretty sure that they were going to come and take them from me. I don't know who "they" are supposed to be because he never managed to elaborate but ever since I've lost my job, I have a lot more time to sit at home and wait for them to show up. I listen to a lot of Glenn Beck. He is just the greatest human being ever to come out of the soil of your great nation. I just absorb everything he says. I mean, I don't even bother to look it up because I know that whatever he says is true. He cries on television a lot so that lends him absolute credibility. So, thanks for Glenn Beck also.
But look at me prattling on. I'm sure you have a lot on your plate right now with this being your special day and all and I don't want to interrupt. Maybe we can get together next week or something if you're not busy. Deep down inside, I know that you're still awesome.
Sincerely Yours,
Randy Pollestad
You probably don't know me but I wanted to take some time out to write you this letter and introduce myself. My name is Randy Pollestad and I have been a citizen of yours for more than 30 years. I'm tend to keep to myself for the most part so I'm not offended if you don't immediately recognize me. I've got this little web page thing going on the internet where I occasionally write stuff. If you ever Google "pollestad" for whatever reason, I come up first. Oh, thanks for that by the way. The internet, I mean. Aside from the furries and the Fox News website, it's a pretty cool place to hang out.
I realize that today is probably a pretty busy day for you with it being the anniversary of 9/11 and all. It's hard to believe that it's been eight years already. Do you remember how life was before the attack? We could actually bring a bottle of water into the airport and not face the possibility of getting shot at by some over-zealous do-gooder from Homeland Security. Hell, those guys didn't even exist back then. Proudly sporting an American flag was pretty much the dominion of old people and the uncool and we equally made fun of both. You want me to put what on my brand new car? A picture of an eagle and a flag and some pro-country bullshit? Not in a million years. Man, those were good times.
Do you remember when the Middle East was just sand, a few cities and a bunch of really cool dudes that we bought oil from? Sure, they've hijacked a few planes in their time but it never hurt us. That's just their thing -- it's what they are good at. That whole World Trade thing? That was just poor piloting. You see, they didn't really get the proper flight training that they needed and I imagine that the pilot was quite nervous. I know I would be because I also have no idea how to fly a 747. They were probably just trying to see all of the sights of New York and what better way to do that than from the cockpit? The whole crash thing was an accident because I know for a fact that you can't see much of anything after you're dead.
I wouldn't mind taking an aerial tour of New York someday but I really can't afford it right now. I don't know if you know this but the American economy is pretty much in the shitter. I don't know how up you are on your own slang but just for reference, "in the shitter" is not a good thing. You see, after the buildings crashed into those planes, we did all kinds of stupid stuff with your money. We started a few wars because we love God more than other countries and we encouraged everyone to rack up a bunch of debt buying stuff that they didn't need. We listened in on the phone calls to each other so that we could hear them talking about all of the unnecessary stuff that they just bought. Also, we were checking to see if they might believe in a different God than we did and if so, we took action to lock them up because we can't have people like that roaming around. Just between you and me, I bought a website a few years back that I didn't need and never used so I am just as guilty as the rest.
I'm sure you probably noticed all of the marching and protesting going on surrounding all of that stuff. Well, you would have if it actually happened. Do you remember that whole Bill of Rights thing we have? A lot of that went out of the window in order to protect our freedom. I mean, that was a good thing right? We're more free now than ever before, right? As long as I don't become Muslim or want to marry another man, I'm pretty much free to do whatever I want, especially if what I want to do involves not wearing shoes through checkpoints and giving up my right to privacy. I don't have anything to hide, so what's the big deal?
You have to trust the people that are in charge to make the right decisions. That's why they are elected. I mean, even if they aren't the winner of the actual election, they still get the job anyway so I assume that means that they must be really good at what they do. The issues are probably really complex so leaving it up to the average Joe to read, decide, or vote on sounds like a horrible idea. I mean, I'll admit to a little bit of confusion myself. After 9/11 happened and in the years following it, one merely followed whatever the President said. That was the patriotic thing to do. You didn't argue about it because he sees the complete picture. But earlier this year, we elected some black guy to run things and now everything is backwards. If you listen to the President, you're a socialist, communist, Nazi, or some semblance of all three. Now you're supposed to be vocal and upset about his policies, even if what you're saying doesn't make any sense or has any shred of truth to it. I guess I must have missed the twitter update where we all decided we're switching gears. Clearly, this is why I'm not allowed to be a policy maker in your fine country. Well, that, and the fact that I am not a hypocrite.
But hey, you know, it's not all bad. I still have my guns. I can't really use them anywhere without getting arrested but it sure looks nice on my wall. My neighbor was pretty sure that they were going to come and take them from me. I don't know who "they" are supposed to be because he never managed to elaborate but ever since I've lost my job, I have a lot more time to sit at home and wait for them to show up. I listen to a lot of Glenn Beck. He is just the greatest human being ever to come out of the soil of your great nation. I just absorb everything he says. I mean, I don't even bother to look it up because I know that whatever he says is true. He cries on television a lot so that lends him absolute credibility. So, thanks for Glenn Beck also.
But look at me prattling on. I'm sure you have a lot on your plate right now with this being your special day and all and I don't want to interrupt. Maybe we can get together next week or something if you're not busy. Deep down inside, I know that you're still awesome.
Sincerely Yours,
Randy Pollestad