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| Hello again, everyone, it's your good friend Art "Kansas Saltine" Dodger here and I am back with yet another mailbag update. I, like you, am reading the finalized version of this update for the first time and I'm extremely curious whether the editors will stick me with yet another random nickname. You have probably seen them pop up a few times in the past and just to clarify, we writers don't include that as part of our final draft. I was shocked the first time I was published and there was all sorts of stuff added to my update. I mean most of the time they don't even make sense. It's like they just put a bunch of random words in a hat and then magically pulled two or three out of their ass. [ed note: we did.] If I would have known nicknames would be mandatory, I would have taken the time to choose my own. Something that exudes cool like "Clown Prince of Bel-Air" or "Mister Diction." You know, because I read letters and am also witty. [ed note: perhaps you should look up the word "cool" then. Also, "witty."]
Anyway, as summer draws ever near, most of us here at the P.Net offices have been spending more time outdoors and we're not seeing many of those May flowers that the April showers were supposed to bring. Of course, most of us can't remember if we even had April showers so take our opinions as you will. One thing, however, that May has brought us is a ton of unread letters, including some of which that are actually addressed to me. (Note: when your friend tells you that hijacking a postal truck for a joyride is cool, it is, just don't expect many spoils beyond some old mail and a free ride somewhere.) But enough with the rabble. You want the letters, I give you the letters.
Dear PNC,
I'm a single mother raising a son that is almost twelve. I've noticed the cracking in his voice and his new habit of keeping his bedroom door closed all the time, so I guess he's hit that age. I'm facing the arduous task of raising a boy in puberty - alone. God help me. Do you have any advice for me on some of the dos and don'ts of raising a teenager? I want to be able to keep him in line but still give him the freedom that he needs. Any help would be appreciated.
- Gabrielle
Gabrielle,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write us about your problems. As you probably know, we here at the PNC are all about making safe and responsible choices and we firmly believe that children are our greatest resource. That's not to say that they should be strip-mined but, you know, if we run out of fossil fuels in the near future, we're just saying it's an option. Because we routinely get letters from concerned parents like you asking for advice, we've been working on putting up a "Parenting 101" section off the main website. Once it's done, feel free to bookmark it and make it your home page. We are going to have so much stuff up there, it'll blow your mind but since it's not up quite yet and you seem like the kind of person who demands immediate results, I have obtained a snippet of information from the "Parenting 101: Single Mothers: Questions About My Teenager (a.k.a. Oh my God, I'm 40 and alone; why did I fight for custody in the divorce?)" and pasted it below. It outlines some good starting points for what you should be doing to help raise your teenager into the proper pinnacle of society that he will eventually become.- When you answer the phone and he isn't there, if it's one of his friends always answer with, "Oh I'm sorry, he has terrible diarrhea and he can't come to the phone" or "he's masturbating right now and I don't want him to come on the phone."
- Teach him how to fight, then make sure he isn't slacking in his training by randomly assaulting him in the house.
- When his friends are over, hit on them.
- When he brings home a girl and he leaves the room, whisper "don't bother, he's gay."
- Buy the same clothes he does and insist that you wear a "partner look."
- When you kiss him goodbye, don't be afraid to sneak a little bit of tongue in.
- Give your son Peyote and then send him on a vision quest.
- Teach him about masturbation the only way you know how, by setting yourself up to be caught wacking a strap-on. When his jaw drops and he starts to slowly back out of the room, say "I guess you're probably wondering what I'm doing. Well, you see it's quite normal really..." Be sure to make eye contact.
- Teach him how to make it rain on bitches.
- When he brings home his first girlfriend to meet you, ask him if his current girlfriend is OK with him having a second one.
- Assuming the above girl is still with him after your talk, feel free to openly give her pointers on giving a good BJ.
- If you know that your son is coming home from school with some friends, occasionally greet him at the door wearing sexy lingerie and attempt to seduce him.
- Pick up the telephone when he is in mid-conversation and ask him continually if he knows anything about auto-erotic asphyxiation.
- Don't worry about buying name-brand clothing or shoes. He really only cares about saving money.
- Ask strangers on the internet questions about how to raise your kid.
- Keep the cabinet underneath the sink fully stocked with chemicals and inhalants. I tried to cover as much ground as I possibly could but you have realize that the above was merely a snippet and even snippets have their limitations. (If your text weighs more than 40 pounds, it's no longer a snippet. Fact.) We sincerely hope that the above will help get you started on the right path and remember to keep checking back as we add more information to our Parenting 101 database.
To P.Net,
I'm almost eighteen and a year away from college. As you probably know, dealing with the pressures of high school isn't easy and I still have college to worry about. While I am trying to focus my attention towards my education, it seems that all of my friends have nothing but partying and sex on their minds and I am constantly hassled by them for not joining in. I mean, I understand letting go and having a little fun but sex is far from the most important thing in this world. It's just a nice little fun thing to do every now and then, just like having a cheeseburger. What can I do to let my friends know that I still want to be friends but that my education is more important than wasting my life away?
- Edward
Dear Edward,
I absolutely loved your letter right up until the point where I started reading it. After that, unfortunately, I wanted to tear my hair out and superglue it into my eye sockets that I would never again have to read a letter like yours. From someone named Edward. God, I hate that name. I realize that that's probably not your fault unless you somehow named yourself from the womb but whatever. I'm just letting you know that your name sucks.
Now, on to your question. I'm curious why you decided to compare sex with having a cheeseburger. How is having sex anything like having a cheeseburger? Is it because it's always greasier and better when manhandled by a Mexican making minimum wage? Or is it because it's something you buy because you're fat, pathetic, and lazy? I'm going to go out on a huge limb here and say that you're probably a virgin and by that I mean that you have never had sex. If you had, you'd know that you should never compare sex to a cheeseburger because they are nothing alike. Cheeseburgers have cheese. Sex does not have cheese nor should you be having sex with cheese.
While I will admit to being on the side of your friends because you come off like a complete doucheball and hassling you sounds enormously fun, I'm also going to side with you and say keep on doing what you're doing. You go and further that education of yours and anything else that stops you from going out and being social. I mean, it's not like you're ever going to meet a girl who wants to have sex with you (especially if she catches you trying to put ketchup and mustard on her) but God help us all if you started reproducing. Stick your nose in a book and cure cancer or something. Who knows, if you're good, maybe you'll be able to stick something besides test needles into the lab rats. I've got my fingers crossed for you.
Also, I just re-read your letter and it sounds like your friends want you to have sex with them. That's gross.
Quick Answers to Quick Questions
Hello,
I'm stuck in a dead-end job that I can't quit because I am barely getting by. I feel trapped. Any ideas about what I should do?
- Amelia
Dear Amelia,
One time, I was taking a shower and I had to go to the bathroom really bad. I also felt trapped because I was soaked and didn't want to run around the house all wet. So I didn't get out -- I just went. Maybe that's what you should do. Try pooping in the shower and see if it improves your job any. If not, try pooping in your boss's shower or the shower at work. Let me know how that turns out.
Dear P-Editors,
I was just wondering if you guys played orgasm wars with each other when younger, but not in a gay way?
- MZ
Dear MZ,
Ha ha, yeah, all the time. Once, we all totally came at the same time and rubbed our dicks off after it was over. No gay feelings or talk, just realness.
P.S. You're fucking retarded.
Quick Questions to Quick Answers
Hey,
Hopefully this letter is short enough to make into the quick questions section!
- Paul
Paul,
How in the world do you expect to make it into the quick questions section if you never actually asked a question?
The time has come to once again draw the mailbag string closed as we wrap up this, the sixteenth edition. I didn't really bother to do any research but I think that is some kind of record. Just think, you're a part of history as you read this. Something that you can talk to your grand kids about. Unless you're Edward. That fucker is never going to have any kids. He has sex with lab rats. |
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Fuck man, I don't know what to say here. There is always all kinds of pressure on me to say stuff here.
Doesn't everyone realize that I just got done saying a bunch of stuff up there?
What in the world could I possibly say down here that would make any difference?
Nothing, apparently.
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