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| Believe it or not, when I make a promise about something, I always follow through. Unless, of course, I was lying about whatever it was that I was promising about because I do that a lot so I don't think that you should really hold me to any kind of commitment. That would be like us getting into a heated rap battle and then me challenging you to use the word orange as a rhyme. You just can't have any kind of expectations about these things.
Last week, I wrote something about a website called Texts From Last Night, where I basically went in, stole everything funny from it, and made an update about it. I also said at the end of that update that I stole way too much stuff and because of this, I would probably make a part two. Well my transgendered friends, that day has come. I don't really care if you enjoyed the first update because I've already written this much and I am moving forward with it anyway. If you truly cared about me, you'd be supportive of my choices, even the bad ones. Yes, I realize now that having sex with a deli meat slicer was a horrible idea but sometimes you just have to roll with things and love me regardless. Hey, I didn't judge you when you came out of the closet. OK, I only judged you for a few weeks but we're totally cool now.
Enough of this crap. Let's get on with the texts!
Note: Each message is preceded with a number, which is the area code it came from. Find yours and win candy.
(419): I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
(321): I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
(513): Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
(704): Just saw a midget shotgun a Coors light.
(215): I don't abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
(703): I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
(832): I'm sad I can't be there this weekend, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you & crying a bit
(303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
(306): That's not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
(901): I don't get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
(813): sounds like you understand them just fine
(323): I'm being pulled over???
(520): For what!?!?!
(323): ??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
(914): ____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
(217): I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
(610): please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
(845): I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
(215): Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
(201): Hot
(215): somebody snuck up and got me drunk
(715): I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
(617): Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
(512): Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
(610): C thinks vomiting on the bathroom floor = reason not to party. Lies. Party continues.
(360): No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
(610): jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
(734): I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
(617): I'm half single.
(773): Please tell me it's the bottom half.
(770): honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
(1-770): you.
(770): oh yeah.
(310): I'm at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out? Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
(480): allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
(718): 3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
(917): Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
(480): U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
(617): So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
(503): Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
(713): we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
(210): I've had 594 apples! that's 99 apples 6 times! math!
(707): Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
(910): so that wasnt chicken after all
(601): Are you drinking alone?
(662): no, I'm watching house
(601): That doesn't count.
(662): wtf, then I'm always alone
(313): All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
(517): Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
That's it! All done. No more texts. The vault has been emptied, though I am quite sure there is more to be had at the original web site. I don't even know who runs that site. I just did this because I was bored. Whatever. I guess now that I have stolen everything worthwhile, it's back to the lab to try and write some funny on my own. That shit is tough. I mean, I'm writing jokes for three now and if my math skills tell me anything, that has to be at least 20% harder than writing for two but what the hell do I know. See you next week! |
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Happy early birthday to two of the P.Net faithful: Peggi & Jessica.
Of course, by faithful I simply mean that they might have a passing knowledge of what the hell goes on here and maybe they read like one update a year.
Hey, we don't exactly have strict membership requirements.
It used to just be "show me your boobs" and you were in but then a lot of dudes started to sign up and that got kind of gross.
Now, it's "show me your tonsils" because that shit is hot.
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| | RE: Textual Analytics II (#1131) - [Reply To Comment]
by Wood (75.25.171.228) on May 8, 2009 (12:17 PM) PST | Two I will have to keep in the bank:
I met a girl last night that charged by the inch. I didn't have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. Good luck.
Too bad other people are funnier than you.
Bitch.
:) |
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RE: Textual Analytics II (#1136) - [Reply To Comment]
by Sarah (24.6.167.184) on May 21, 2009 (11:05 PM) PST | | So... Ryan sends me to your site sometimes and every time it kills me... Sadly, I have to admit that textsfromlastnight.com has become one of my favorite things to read so THANK YOU for writing about it. You are funny shit. |
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