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| 04.08.2009 - News Round-up Round Table | 4:36 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 4/5 (1 Votes) |
| Before we get things moving with the update for today, I feel like I have to get something off of my chest. Probably because I do. I don't know why I thought that letting some guy in stilts stand on me while I laid on the floor was a good idea. I mean, he's heavy and I can hardly breathe. Not to mention that his stupid stick feet keep poking me and damn near piercing my lungs. I'm no doctor but I don't think this is very healthy. Do you know what else isn't healthy? Keeping secrets. Which is why I have, in addition to respiratory failure, a confession to make.
I don't really keep up with things.
Now, I'm sure that this is probably pretty hard for you to believe considering that I am responsible for a billion dollar internet humor empire that spans the globe, but it's true. My office is devoid of any kind of electronic equipment and the phone I have installed is actually a Playskool toy for children that makes animal noises. I did once have something that I thought was a television but it was actually just a cardboard box with a square cut out of the middle and sometimes my assistants would act out scenes from Family Matters.
So, imagine my surprise when I found out about this "news" thing. I mean, the wonderment of some guy really far away telling me what is new and current is simply beyond my belief. It's also something I felt that I really needed to get into in order to stay hip. Unfortunately, since I know nothing about news and discussing something I don't know anything about with myself would be nothing short of Hiroshima, I've decided to assemble a round table of Internet-famous superstars to analyze the issues of the world with me.
Welcome to the first edition of the P.Net News Round-up Round Table, the only place where we have more people talking about the news than actual news articles to talk about. Today's esteemed panel of idiot savants include J.Truth, Art Dodger, and the always wonderful Rad Tad. Let's get to our first article for discussion.
Philippine fisherman catch and eat a megamouth shark
RP: Let me summarize the article: Phillippine fisherman catch a megamouth shark. They are advised by the WWF that the animal is a rare find and that they should not eat it. Fishermen proceed to butcher the shark anyway and cook it up in coconut milk.
Rad Tad: Well, seriously, what else would they do with it?
Art: I'd suggest a creamy lemon-dill sauce, and maybe a touch of rosemary or cilantro instead of coconut milk but maybe that's just me.
J.Truth: Apparently it was served with a side of dodo eggs and a white rhino flank steak. Might as well go all out with the extinction thing.
RP: Megamouth shark, the other white meat.
Art: Megamouth shark. It's whats for dinner.
Rad Tad: The dude in the front has a Livestrong bracelet.
Art: Too bad the shark didn't.
RP: Fuck this shark with his snazzy name. Who did he think he was, anyways? Serves him right.
J.Truth: Why would they call the WWF at all if they were just going to eat it?
RP: Whenever I catch an unknown, ultra-rare fish, I always make a point of calling the World Wildlife Federation so that they can give me grilling tips. It just makes sense -- they're the experts after all.
Art: Ha ha, I can imagine the call that these guys made:Fisherman: Hey, we caught some huge fish in the ocean and it looks like it has down syndrome.
WWF Representative: What you're describing sounds like a very rare deep water shark! You should try to freeze it and preserve it, and we'll send our people right away!
Fisherman: FUCK THAT NOISE! WE'RE EATING THIS BITCH WITH COCONUT MILK!
J.Truth: Makes you wonder about how many sharks get eaten that aren't on the news.
RP: Finders keepers.
Rad Tad: It sounds like the WWF should hire these guys to find megamouth sharks full-time if they're so rare. I mean, there has only been 41 sightings ever.
J.Truth: Maybe the megamouth shark is just a failure at being a shark?
RP: I don't know, it seemed like it was doing OK before the coconut broth bath.
Art: What if that shark had killed the fisherman's parents and it was revenge? No jury would convict.
J.Truth: Unless the shark was black.
Art: What if a fisherman killed your parents?
RP: What is it with you and killing?
Art: A fisherman teamed up with a shark and killed my parents in 1982. The shark was Filipino.
Rad Tad: Were they every able to "mako" a case against the shark?
J.Truth: Oh Jesus, shut up.
RP: As a privileged white man, I get enraged when the less fortunate think they can be as careless with the environment as I can.
Art: You're right. Shame on these SAVAGES for extinguishing that young flame so soon before it had its chance to shine.
J.Truth: That shark could have been a doctor!
RP: Well maybe if they got jobs and credit cards they wouldn't have to eat rare fucking sharks, jackass.
Rad Tad: THEY CAN'T HAVE MY JOBS!
Art: I honestly don't get all of the outrage over the rarity of it all. I am pretty sure that this shark ate something rare at some point, too. What goes around comes around shark!
J.Truth: Sharks are nature's jerks. These guys are just paying it forward.
RP: From the article: "Fishermen can be seen here salivating over the salty, chewy, disgusting carcass of their next endangered glutton-fest."
Rad Tad: I bet the fisherman in the article picture is petting the shark and whispering to him, "hey shark, guess what? We're totally going to eat you." And the shark is probably like, "aw shit. I done fucked up now."
Art: Except that it was already dead. What's the going rate on megamouth shark corpses, anyway? Those guys could have been living large.
J.Truth: Maybe they should stop bitching about the fact that it's dead and ask them what it tasted like. That has got to be valid to science somehow, right?
Rad Tad: Man, what if we're the sharks?
J.Truth: That's some deep shit.
Vermont lawmakers legalize gay marriage
J.Truth: Ah, the gays. The cool, soothing salve that will heal the rash that is America's Bible belt.
RP: The sun now sets in a rainbow of colors over the north-eastern United States.
Rad Tad: It's the most fabulous sunset ever!
Art: So did Vermont realized that they got one-upped on the liberal scale by Iowa and have to throw this together real quick just to get back on top?
J.Truth: Poor California for missing out on this sexy bandwagon.
Art: Don't worry, its the domino effect! Except instead of Communism its the gay.
RP: Let's send in the Marines.
Rad Tad: No need. Everybody knows that homosexuals show up on radar.
Art: They also attract sharks.
RP: Do you think the Philippine fisherman were gay?
J.Truth: We didn't ask and they didn't tell.
Art: California needs to re-legalize this already. My city is kind of a dump and we need more gays to clean this place up. Stop taking our gays Vermont!
Rad Tad: Just give them a color scheme to work with, an accent pillow or something, and they'll fab it up in no time.
RP: Well, I, for one, am extremely excited about this news. The number of potential sham-marriages I could get involved with for US citizenship grows every week.
J.Truth: Do you have to consummate to make it legit?
RP: Is that an offer?
Art: I just assume everyone is gay until they prove it one way or the other by either sleeping with me or refusing to sleep with me.
Rad Tad: I'll sleep with you. (Not gay.)
J.Truth: The drapes industry is going to skyrocket in Vermont over the next few weeks.
RP: Additionally, there is going to be a huge surge in the purchasing of V-Neck shirts. This needs to stop before it spreads.
Rad Tad: Hey, not all gays are hipsters.
RP: Yeah, but all hipsters are gay so take that as you will.
Art: I'm waiting for an inevitable call from my grandmother which is usually under the guise of staying in touch but she'll most likely be hammered, ramble on and on about the end of times, say something I'll find uncomfortably offensive about this news, before breaking down and crying.
J.Truth: Sounds awkward.
RP: It'll be interesting to see if the gay rights movement continues to grow.
Rad Tad: I know my movement is growing right now, if you know what I mean.
RP: Way to take us back to grade school.
And that's just about all of the time that we have for news today but you shouldn't be concerned. The wonderful thing about news is that new news is happening all the time so there is a never-ending fountain of information for us to sift through. We plan on coming back real soon and reviewing more news for your viewing pleasure, assuming the crew doesn't realize that the checks I just gave them are fake. For now, you can just sit back and soak up what you learned today. You've earned it.
P.Net: we take the hard work out of being informed. Don't worry, you can thank us later. |
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Joe Biden's daughter does cocaine.
Well, at least I know what my pick-up line is going to be.
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