Today, according to my super special Garfield calendar, is the second day of April which, according to my super special abilities with math, made yesterday the first entry of the month, a day that is most commonly known as April Fools Day. That is, unless you're Mexican. In that case, it was still the first day of April but instead of doing white people stuff, you were probably busy breaking pinatas and celebrating Caesar Chavez Day in style. I actually have no idea if you're supposed to treat Caesar Chavez like some kind of vengeful god and break open poor little pinata animals in sacrifice to his name or not, I just know that my trash didn't get picked up yesterday and this made the white collar people in my neighborhood very angry while they complained over a nice cup of Starbucks coffee.
For the non-Latino among us, we are not allowed to honor Caesar and are instead forced to go to work and tell everyone a bunch of lies in the hopes that they "get it." (I did, however, stuff a hooker full of candy afterward and beat her with a baseball bat because that was my idea to bridge the racial divide and unify the April 1st celebrations.) I'm not sure how badly you have to screw up in life to be lucky enough to get a day named after you and it just so happens to coincide with the same day where people goof off, laugh, and pull pranks on one another. Poor Caesar. It's like a big joke that the Mexicans don't get. "Ha ha, this guy fought for your rights or whatever but you still have to clean the toilet when you get back."
Anyway, back to the April Fools thing. We like to think that we're good sports (when we win) and if someone wanted to dedicate a day to jerking other people around, who are we to stand back and not join in? Having said that, in accordance with the rules of the aforementioned non-Caesar holiday and largely because the last time we participated was in 2002, yesterday we decided to post something that wasn't true on the front page. Granted, a lot of what we post on the front page isn't necessarily true but what we did yesterday was totally, absolutely not really true. Also, I said that I was serious about the not true stuff. That wasn't true either.
So, while you might now label me as a big, fat liar, I can also label you small, thin, and gullible in return. Because you are. At least the gullible part. I received a lot of responses to yesterday's update, most ranging from "omg, is that true?" to "Please stop posting stuff on the internet you gigantic faggot." Sadly, I am only half-way through the first book of Hooked on Phonics and I don't know what any of that means. One person took time out their extremely busy day to write me and inform me that what I did yesterday was cruel, juvenile, and absolutely not funny in the least. Sure, you can blame me for the first two accusations but I am washing my hands of third. You can't blame me for it not being funny. I told you that it wasn't going to be funny right there at the beginning. That's like blaming me for hurting you after I told you that I was going to stab you in the eye with a rusty screwdriver and you didn't run away fast enough. I'm like a rich CEO: try holding me accountable.
So, now we're having trust issues, right? How do you know what I am saying today is true? Maybe I'm lying about everything yesterday being a lie. Maybe it's all true and despite the best interests of my lawyers and well-being, I'm posting more dribble publicly anyway. That does sound like something that I would do. Still, on the off chance that after having said all of this you still find yourself worried (or still reading), please rest assured that I am in no kind of legal trouble whatsoever that I am aware of. If I was, it's probably a safe bet that I wouldn't use these updates as a forum to talk about it. (I prefer a megaphone.)
Whatever the method or trouble, you shouldn't let all of this non-truthiness sway you from doing the right thing, namely giving me money. I can always use more money and if it'll make you feel better, I'll tell you it's going into my legal fund. I honestly don't know the definition of legal so I'm pretty much going to use it for whatever. I'll just be sure not to tell you about it. With all of this foolish business behind us, I (and the site) can get back to doing what I do best: telling jokes about gay people and discriminating against ugly midgets. They're not real people anyway.
For the non-Latino among us, we are not allowed to honor Caesar and are instead forced to go to work and tell everyone a bunch of lies in the hopes that they "get it." (I did, however, stuff a hooker full of candy afterward and beat her with a baseball bat because that was my idea to bridge the racial divide and unify the April 1st celebrations.) I'm not sure how badly you have to screw up in life to be lucky enough to get a day named after you and it just so happens to coincide with the same day where people goof off, laugh, and pull pranks on one another. Poor Caesar. It's like a big joke that the Mexicans don't get. "Ha ha, this guy fought for your rights or whatever but you still have to clean the toilet when you get back."
Anyway, back to the April Fools thing. We like to think that we're good sports (when we win) and if someone wanted to dedicate a day to jerking other people around, who are we to stand back and not join in? Having said that, in accordance with the rules of the aforementioned non-Caesar holiday and largely because the last time we participated was in 2002, yesterday we decided to post something that wasn't true on the front page. Granted, a lot of what we post on the front page isn't necessarily true but what we did yesterday was totally, absolutely not really true. Also, I said that I was serious about the not true stuff. That wasn't true either.
So, while you might now label me as a big, fat liar, I can also label you small, thin, and gullible in return. Because you are. At least the gullible part. I received a lot of responses to yesterday's update, most ranging from "omg, is that true?" to "Please stop posting stuff on the internet you gigantic faggot." Sadly, I am only half-way through the first book of Hooked on Phonics and I don't know what any of that means. One person took time out their extremely busy day to write me and inform me that what I did yesterday was cruel, juvenile, and absolutely not funny in the least. Sure, you can blame me for the first two accusations but I am washing my hands of third. You can't blame me for it not being funny. I told you that it wasn't going to be funny right there at the beginning. That's like blaming me for hurting you after I told you that I was going to stab you in the eye with a rusty screwdriver and you didn't run away fast enough. I'm like a rich CEO: try holding me accountable.
So, now we're having trust issues, right? How do you know what I am saying today is true? Maybe I'm lying about everything yesterday being a lie. Maybe it's all true and despite the best interests of my lawyers and well-being, I'm posting more dribble publicly anyway. That does sound like something that I would do. Still, on the off chance that after having said all of this you still find yourself worried (or still reading), please rest assured that I am in no kind of legal trouble whatsoever that I am aware of. If I was, it's probably a safe bet that I wouldn't use these updates as a forum to talk about it. (I prefer a megaphone.)
Whatever the method or trouble, you shouldn't let all of this non-truthiness sway you from doing the right thing, namely giving me money. I can always use more money and if it'll make you feel better, I'll tell you it's going into my legal fund. I honestly don't know the definition of legal so I'm pretty much going to use it for whatever. I'll just be sure not to tell you about it. With all of this foolish business behind us, I (and the site) can get back to doing what I do best: telling jokes about gay people and discriminating against ugly midgets. They're not real people anyway.