On the off chance that you missed yesterday's update and for whatever reason thought that reading an update labeled part two first was a good idea, let's take a few sentences to get you caught up on what we're talking about here. We're talking about children. Yes, contrary to all available scientific data, they do exist. I know; I am surprised as you are. The next thing you know, some picture will surface of Bigfoot and the Yeti chillin' in Jamaica. Once you go, you'll know.

Anyway, as a favorite pastime of sadistic adults, we love to make school children take tests to prove that they haven't been wasting our tax dollars for the past few years. These tests often contain essay portions which asks the already angry and confused child to share knowledge and life experiences in the form of a story that no one really gives a goddamn about. This update is part two in a series that is all about these stories.

Recently, junior high school students took a standardized test and were asked to write an essay regarding what their favorite memory was. We choose snippets from some of these essays, essays probably written by children who are borderline retarded. Join us for part two, where we plan on making fun of children on the internet now before Congress passes a law and tells us not to.

What is your favorite memory?

One misspelling can change everything:

"An awesome reminisce is when I Went to the San Antonio Zoo it was stupendous so extrordinary place it had really big erotic wild felines so many animals of different pigmented skin I think it could cause a rainbow."

Talking about playing with a neighborhood dog: "It was fun at first but then it bit me and I was crying alot because it made me bleed so I had to go inside and raped up my side with napkines."

"The roosters also have some kind of lies that are very harmful. So you have to buy some kind of spray or powder to get those lies off them, or to kill the lies."

"They had lazertag, a train, boats, batting cages, videogames, and a rockclimbing mountain. It was like a playland or an erotic jungle of fun and amusement where anything could happen."

"Last summer me and my family went to sixflags and we had so much fun that we didn’t want to live."

"I learned so much the first time I baby-sat. I couldn't just warm up any old formula. She was lack toast and tolerant."

Things that made me smile:

"The next day we ate hot dogs they were so good it tasted like we were eating joy."

One kid describing what his wedding will be like comments that there will be "100 bottles of whiskey on every table."

During a trip to the zoo, the kid and his family were inside the aquarium. Apparently after some parental delay, the kid got bored and fell asleep. When he woke up, he had tipped over and his cheek was pressed against the glass. As he opened his eyes, he saw a big fish looking right at him. "It was like we were ready to go to war. That would pretty much tell you why me no likey fish."

"I think when people are going to do something stupid they would stop and think there greatest memory and say, "I would love to do that again" and instead of going to jail they go home."

"They were fighting like a closet full of fat people fighting over a bucket of fried chicken."

"I tell you she was the meanest teacher I ever had. She was the unfair thing. It was like a movie attack of the unfair monster. No wonder why she didn't have a husband."

You're interesting but I don't understand you:

"Voom! Voom! The car was finally turned on after all the luggage was aborted."

"WOW I CAUGHT A FISH AND IT'S BIG NOW ALL I HAFT TO DO IS GET IT TO ME SHAP!!! OWW THE LINE BROKE NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO. WHAT DO YOU KNOW HEAR COMES GRANDPA TO THE RESCU WITH MORE BAIT AND SOME LINE."

"My grandmother was always a helpful nice young lady."

"On November 1, 2005 I turned 13 years old. For a present from my parents I had a party at a place called Stars. I went with my twin brother, four sisters, 4ourteen brothers, ten of my cousins, and twenty of my intimates. We all had an honorable period."

"I could taste the smell of victory."

"My family and I had so much fun enjoying six Flags our heads were blown off into the sky, with so much fun inside."

"We started packing all or food eggs, Ham and cheese for sandwiches, drinks, and our four wheeler. When we got on the road you can see baby deers on the side of the road eating grass or dead."

"Mom went into labor, and 8 months later, she gave birth to my baby brother."

Morals (a.k.a. What we learned from writing this):

"You don’t know what you got unless you find out."

"The moral of the story is that my 5th birthday party was the best ever."

"I want my reader to understand that it is not fun falling off something like a donkey."

"One thing that I learned is that being around all your family it is fun. And another thing I learned is that you should wake up early because your mom goes to the mall and she did not take you and she doen not tell you where she is going."

"We went home to find our television from the living room, my DVD player, my DVDs, and my moms money, it was all stolen. That really burned my biscuits! Moral: Just settle for old stuff, so people won’t steal it."

"The best time in your life always reflects on your worst it is complet opposite from your worst time so the best is yet to come."

"No one is a failure unless you try."

This update series has been an amazing journey through the world of not-so-smart children and to tell you the truth, I've never felt better about myself. Sure, maybe I don't write any better than they do but I'm taller, which means that I can touch the rim during basketball games. Try and match that, shorty. I'm not positive at this time whether this is the last update centered around getting to know children a little better -- I have to wait and see how the pending lawsuit turns out. It's tough selecting a jury when you have no peers.

Far too often I find myself using this special space for my own self-aggrandizement and to show off my amazing word usage.

But not today.

Today, this space is set aside for some special reader recognition.

First, happy birthday to Stephanie. She's turning some age today.

Actually, I don't even know if she reads this crap but, you know, I'm trying to be respectful.

Secondly, I want to wish an early birthday to Joy. She's turning ooooooold on Saturday and I can't guarantee that I am going to write a fourth update this week. (Magic 8-ball says "Outlook not good.")

I also doubt that Joy actually reads this part either.

In that case, I stole $20 from your wallet and the test results aren't looking promising.

There is no link of the day on this update.