As 2008 draws to a close, a lot of websites take the opportunity of the slow news period to recap all of the wondrous events that happened over the course of the past 365 days. Well, in case you've been living in a cave with Bin Laden, 2008 hasn't been anything close to wondrous and there is no reason why we should be remembering it so fondly. Your ignorance and optimism hurts my brain.

So, to properly close out a year that has done nothing but bring ruin to millions (and to make the politicians and financial analysts who allowed it to happen feel a little bit better about themselves), I've compiled a list of the top 30 stupid things that I've personally done this year in the hopes that it will make me a more complete person for 2009. It won't, but the drugs have temporarily convinced me otherwise. Without further ado, mostly because I hate ado, let's get on with closing the book on 2008.

The Top 30 Stupidest Things I Did In 2008

• Almost over-dosed on steroids after using them to try and grow facial hair faster.
  
• Tried to substitute potpourri for good weed when I was running low on funds and wound up talking to an invisible goat about apple spices for the rest of the night.
  
• Neutered myself.
  
• Competed on Iron Chef America only to have my hopes of winning severely dashed after they announced that the secret ingredient was not feces. I was banking on my food tasting like shit.
  
• Bet a friend $20 that horoscopes aren't real. My horoscope for the month of May read, "you will lose $20 to someone you consider close."
  
• Wrote a check that my butt couldn't cash.
  
• Founded a non-profit organization with the hopes of striking it rich.
  
• Became addicted to erectile dysfunction and stopped taking my Viagra prescription.
  
• I decided to make a name for myself in the news by kidnapping an innocent little white girl. Unfortunately, it turned out that she was just light-skinned, not white, so it never made headlines.
  
• Chose Chris Matthews as my number one pick in the fantasy newscaster draft pool. His death left a void in my running game and cost me the season.
  
• Tried to bench press a bench press.
  
• I voted with my wallet and now I have nothing to put my money in.
  
• Told Congress about this awesome new idea called deregulation.
  
• Locked myself out of my house and then set the door on fire to get back in.
  
• Started a corn dog farm but quickly went bankrupt after I realized that you can't grow corn dogs.
  
• Fax monitoring.
  
• Downloaded popular music without paying money, thereby helping to cause artists like Snoop Dogg to starve to death.
  
• Asked myself for a raise but I was denied.
  
• Consumed a six pack of liquid ant traps on a dare.
  
• Didn't look both ways before crossing the street and started a dramatic chain of events that eventually culminated in the auto industry needing a financial bailout.
  
• Got really drunk and used a lawnmower to cut my hair.
  
• Got really drunk and got drafted by the Detroit Lions.
  
• Got really drunk and tried to fight forest fires with my tongue.
  
• Sent my pimp cup in to Cash4Gold and received a check for $2. It bounced.
  
• Finally decided to get that circumcision I’ve been putting off.
  
• Started a collection of rare Pokemon cards in order to impress Jesus.
  
• Attempted to bake a cake but didn't follow the directions on the box and wound up bringing down the internet for more than 30 hours.
  
• Made sweet love to a bread maker and contracted a yeast infection.
  
• All mayonnaise diet.
  
• Thought that it would be a good idea to create a list of all of the stupid things that I did this year and post it on the internet.
  

Actually, I suppose the list should be 31 stupid things and the last item should be "plans to continuing writing this horribly unfunny crap in 2009." Apparently, I didn't learn much from 2008. Or 2007. Or 2006. Fuck it, we'll be here doing this same shtick until 2086. You readers just keep on doing your thing also, which mostly consists of you not reading anything I write. Also, don't email me or leave comments/ratings. That shit irritates me. Until we meet again, stay strong and buy plenty of Sean John clothing. P. Diddy is feeling the recession too, people.

It's hard to believe that in a few short months, I'll have been doing this crap for more than four years.

Sadly, I'll probably be doing it for four more years, too.

Happy Holidays -- and if the gift you got me was you choking on a marshmallow, thanks! That's exactly what I wanted.

See you in 2009.

There is no link of the day on this update.