With the Thanksgiving holiday right around the corner, it's a pretty common practice this time of year for people to gather together with family, count their blessings, eat more food than Ethiopians see in a year and finish everything off with a gigantic circle jerk over the stuff that they are thankful for. Sure, that kind of thing might be fine for most people but just about the only thing that I am thankful for is that I am not most people. I'm barely even some people on your average day. You see, while I tend to be bitter and cynical about a lot of things, I am especially bitter towards Thanksgiving or as I like to call it, the holiday that overshadows something that is far more important this week.
I'm speaking, of course, about my birthday.
On your typical year, I tend not to really care about my birthday but this time around is a different story -- it's not every day that someone turns 30. Granted, I suppose that at some point in any given day there is someone that does turn 30, that person just happens to not be me and this is the huge difference. In fact, I did some internet research yesterday and it turns out there exists a 76% chance that I may never turn 30 again. I couldn't get a clear answer as to why but I think it's some kind of hereditary problem. With those kind of odds, I'd be a fool not to thoroughly enjoy turning 30 now, just in case it never comes back around again.
Unfortunately, I've recently come down with a bad case of morality after getting bitten by a rabid zebra and I don't feel that I can fully move on and rejoice in my special day without getting some things off my chest. I haven't been an especially good person this year and I feel the need to apologize to those that I have wronged. Well, I don't really mean "apologize" but I will say the words "I'm sorry" and attempt to have a sincere look on my face. It's really tough to do when all you can thinking about is laughing. And clowns. I love clowns. So, let's just hurry up and get this thing over with so that I can get back to drinking hard liquor and beating hired escorts with PVC pipe.
Things I'm "Sorry" For:
Now that we have all of that atonement crap out of the way, we can get on with the celebration. This year, as has been the case every year since I was born, I've been continually bombarded with questions from strangers and fans alike asking me what I would like as gifts for my birthday. Normally, I take this opportunity to throw pieces of rock candy at their heads in hopes of causing permanent eye damage but with the economy as it is now, I'm thinking that we all could use a little more free stuff. Below, I have compiled a list of some items that I would enjoy greatly if they were delivered to me. This is by no means a complete list so feel free to exercise your spending power on other things but I should warn you: if you decide to veer off course and buy me something that I already have, you face the very real possibility of me calling your mother and telling her what you did. Also, if she wants to invite me over for cookies and sex afterward, that's certainly her choice. We're both (mostly) consenting adults.
Things I Would Like:
I don't know about you but all of this wishing and atonement mumbo jumbo has really made me tired. How tired am I? Why, I'm so tired that I could just sleep for days. Maybe even three of them. Well, I wonder what day that would be. Saturday, I guess. What on Earth is happening on Saturday? I don't know. I guess I will just have to wait and find out. (Hint: it better be me getting a lot of stuff from the list above or someone is going to PAY... by credit card at mall after they take me and buy me presents.)
I'm speaking, of course, about my birthday.
On your typical year, I tend not to really care about my birthday but this time around is a different story -- it's not every day that someone turns 30. Granted, I suppose that at some point in any given day there is someone that does turn 30, that person just happens to not be me and this is the huge difference. In fact, I did some internet research yesterday and it turns out there exists a 76% chance that I may never turn 30 again. I couldn't get a clear answer as to why but I think it's some kind of hereditary problem. With those kind of odds, I'd be a fool not to thoroughly enjoy turning 30 now, just in case it never comes back around again.
Unfortunately, I've recently come down with a bad case of morality after getting bitten by a rabid zebra and I don't feel that I can fully move on and rejoice in my special day without getting some things off my chest. I haven't been an especially good person this year and I feel the need to apologize to those that I have wronged. Well, I don't really mean "apologize" but I will say the words "I'm sorry" and attempt to have a sincere look on my face. It's really tough to do when all you can thinking about is laughing. And clowns. I love clowns. So, let's just hurry up and get this thing over with so that I can get back to drinking hard liquor and beating hired escorts with PVC pipe.
Things I'm "Sorry" For:
- I met this chick on the internet who I thought looked kind of cute from her picture but it turned out that she wasn't anywhere near that so I threw scalding coffee in her face and ran away screaming. I'm sorry for spilling good coffee.
- I often find myself poking fun at stabbing victims. I'm sorry, stabbing victims, you've been through enough prodding.
- There was one time a while ago when I was taking a shower and I really needed to pee. I'm sorry that I didn't get out of the shower.
- I once put Raven Symone in a figure-four leg lock. I'm sorry, Hollywood, for not ending her career.
- During a particularly rebellious stint, I didn't get a haircut for more than two months and used my long hair as a means to taunt chemo patients and seduce balding men. I'm sorry that it ever got trimmed because that was a lot of fun.
- Back in July, I called Jerry Seinfeld a Jew and even though it's true, I still felt kind of bad about it. I'm sorry, Jerry, for reminding you of that.
Now that we have all of that atonement crap out of the way, we can get on with the celebration. This year, as has been the case every year since I was born, I've been continually bombarded with questions from strangers and fans alike asking me what I would like as gifts for my birthday. Normally, I take this opportunity to throw pieces of rock candy at their heads in hopes of causing permanent eye damage but with the economy as it is now, I'm thinking that we all could use a little more free stuff. Below, I have compiled a list of some items that I would enjoy greatly if they were delivered to me. This is by no means a complete list so feel free to exercise your spending power on other things but I should warn you: if you decide to veer off course and buy me something that I already have, you face the very real possibility of me calling your mother and telling her what you did. Also, if she wants to invite me over for cookies and sex afterward, that's certainly her choice. We're both (mostly) consenting adults.
Things I Would Like:
- A high-five from Osama bin Laden and, if he has the time, maybe a quick rendition of "Happy Birthday" while doing the running man.
- To be able to rent Christopher Lloyd for an entire day just so I could make him yell "Who do you think? The Libyans!" over and over again.
- To really know if that rag smells like chloroform without passing out and having someone try and rape me.
- An artist's rendering of a kangaroo punching Fran Drescher in the face and the hilarity of what would ensue after.
- For John Hughes to write and direct more movies about just how quirky teenage life was in the 1980's.
- A coherent, rational explanation as to why The Sarah Silverman show is still on television.
- More peanut butter jelly time.
I don't know about you but all of this wishing and atonement mumbo jumbo has really made me tired. How tired am I? Why, I'm so tired that I could just sleep for days. Maybe even three of them. Well, I wonder what day that would be. Saturday, I guess. What on Earth is happening on Saturday? I don't know. I guess I will just have to wait and find out. (Hint: it better be me getting a lot of stuff from the list above or someone is going to PAY... by credit card at mall after they take me and buy me presents.)