Sometimes, and by sometimes I don't mean right now but on other occasions that fall into the same time frame, I just want to call up Brad Pitt and ask him if he wants to grab a cup of coffee or something. Truthfully, I don't even like coffee but what I do like is the idea of being able to tell people that I had coffee with Brad Pitt. You know, just leave all of that celebrity crap at home -- we're just two normal guys out for coffee. I'd offer to pay, of course, but he'd likely say "I got this one" because he knows that all of my money is tied up in offshore drilling. We'd make small talk, come up with nicknames for one another, and maybe hold hands for a while. No gay stuff, though. Just two dudes hanging out holding hands in a coffee shop. Our time together would be short but the memories and the awkwardness of me trying to kiss him afterwards would last a lifetime. Me and Brad Pitt: BFF.
I'm married now but I've been through more than my fair share of relationship experiences. I used to date this chick who had a lazy eye. Things were going well but I had to call it off because she kept seeing someone on the side. After that, I started dating a track star. It's a funny story about how we met since we just kind of ran into each other. My next girlfriend was an epileptic and the relationship was always a bit shaky. One time, I decided to give the blind date thing a try but wound up calling it a night very early because I just couldn't see where the evening was headed. My last girlfriend and I had a terrible time together. She would always complain that my behavior was rash so I ate an entire tube of Desitin in hopes that it would cure it. The ensuing coma was the best thing that ever happened to me.
While I was walking down the street the other day, I tripped on some uneven pavement and fell flat on my forehead. The doctor said that I had suffered a hairline fracture. I once had a friend who was really short and I used to look down on him all the time. I recently came down with a case of both deja vu and amnesia at the same time. Now I can't remember whether I've seen things before. My breakfast was interrupted this morning after I noticed a runaway train on the side of a milk carton. I once received sound advice from a street mime but if you ask him what it was, I bet he wouldn't tell you. Recently, I opened up a new chain of businesses catering to comedic funeral services. Our slogan is "We'll leave you in tears."
All parents want only the best for their children and I am no exception. I want my kid to be the smartest child in the world, which is why I named him "9/11" so that he'd never forget. I once knew a man who was convicted of a SIDS-related accident but I never really felt that he got his fair shake. I recently hired a relocation service to help me with a bowel movement. Such things are best left in the hands of professionals. I called up Mary Kay the other day and asked if they had any genetic make-up that I could buy. The lady on the phone tried to sell me some mascara. I asked, "What's that for?" and she replied, "It runs in the family." I once knew a man with no legs who wore an invisibility belt. Apparently, he just couldn't stand to be seen around me.
I have a book at home containing the names of every single serial killer in America listed in alphabetical order. I'm a fan of organized crime. I joined NAMBLA a number of years ago just to see what all of the fuss was about. However, I quit shortly after enrollment because I found the organization as a whole too childish for my tastes. I recently received a letter from the Treasury Department saying that they had gotten wind of one of my enterprises and asked me to shut the business down. Apparently, after I outsourced most of the work to some homeless people, my entire operation wound up smelling funny to them. When I inquired as to how they found out, they mentioned that they had put together a team of yellow jackets for a sting operation. I spent most of the day yesterday battling an amputee in unarmed combat and barely escaped with my life. They say that life is worth living but I'd like to think that mine is worth a bit more than that. I guess we'll have to wait until the results are in from the eBay auction.
I'm married now but I've been through more than my fair share of relationship experiences. I used to date this chick who had a lazy eye. Things were going well but I had to call it off because she kept seeing someone on the side. After that, I started dating a track star. It's a funny story about how we met since we just kind of ran into each other. My next girlfriend was an epileptic and the relationship was always a bit shaky. One time, I decided to give the blind date thing a try but wound up calling it a night very early because I just couldn't see where the evening was headed. My last girlfriend and I had a terrible time together. She would always complain that my behavior was rash so I ate an entire tube of Desitin in hopes that it would cure it. The ensuing coma was the best thing that ever happened to me.
While I was walking down the street the other day, I tripped on some uneven pavement and fell flat on my forehead. The doctor said that I had suffered a hairline fracture. I once had a friend who was really short and I used to look down on him all the time. I recently came down with a case of both deja vu and amnesia at the same time. Now I can't remember whether I've seen things before. My breakfast was interrupted this morning after I noticed a runaway train on the side of a milk carton. I once received sound advice from a street mime but if you ask him what it was, I bet he wouldn't tell you. Recently, I opened up a new chain of businesses catering to comedic funeral services. Our slogan is "We'll leave you in tears."
All parents want only the best for their children and I am no exception. I want my kid to be the smartest child in the world, which is why I named him "9/11" so that he'd never forget. I once knew a man who was convicted of a SIDS-related accident but I never really felt that he got his fair shake. I recently hired a relocation service to help me with a bowel movement. Such things are best left in the hands of professionals. I called up Mary Kay the other day and asked if they had any genetic make-up that I could buy. The lady on the phone tried to sell me some mascara. I asked, "What's that for?" and she replied, "It runs in the family." I once knew a man with no legs who wore an invisibility belt. Apparently, he just couldn't stand to be seen around me.
I have a book at home containing the names of every single serial killer in America listed in alphabetical order. I'm a fan of organized crime. I joined NAMBLA a number of years ago just to see what all of the fuss was about. However, I quit shortly after enrollment because I found the organization as a whole too childish for my tastes. I recently received a letter from the Treasury Department saying that they had gotten wind of one of my enterprises and asked me to shut the business down. Apparently, after I outsourced most of the work to some homeless people, my entire operation wound up smelling funny to them. When I inquired as to how they found out, they mentioned that they had put together a team of yellow jackets for a sting operation. I spent most of the day yesterday battling an amputee in unarmed combat and barely escaped with my life. They say that life is worth living but I'd like to think that mine is worth a bit more than that. I guess we'll have to wait until the results are in from the eBay auction.