Unless you live your life in a bubble, particularly if said bubble has no cable or
internet access and the only perodical that gets delivered is the Weekly
World News, you've probably heard about the wildfires that have been ravaging
Southern California for the past two weeks. I would like to take
some time out of this important update to assure all five of my regular
readers that I am indeed fine. Most people thought I was crazy when
I started building my fire-proof mansion underwater but I'm guessing I'm
the only one who is laughing now. Unless you found that last sentence
funny. I suppose you are laughing also.
I received many emails from strangers offering their support and help through this troubled time and I wanted to take a quick minute to thank you for that. While I will admit to being confused as to how exactly buying pills that increase my "p3n1s s1ze!" was going to help me through a fire, I soon realized that beggars can't be choosers when it comes to assistance. Also, a larger penis will pretty much help you through any situation in life save for if you find yourself naked on an elementary school playground during recess. All that will net you is five years in the slammer. Unfortunately, I had to find out about that one the hard way. You'd think that if they were so concerned about naked men running through the playground, they would post more signs saying not to do it. They seem more concerned about people parking there overnight which I guess is also a very large problem.
A lot of television airtime has been devoted to thanking the first responders for their invaluable help in fighting the fire. Personally, I'd like to thank the second responders because the first responder to my place was just some crack head looking to loot my house. I explained to him that looting is best saved for after I have already vacated my home and gave him a better time to return. He thanked me profusely by peeing on my welcome mat and took off running into the street. The third responder was some insane old man spouting bible verses and yelling about the end of the world so perhaps good responders skip an iteration similar to how sickle cell anemia tends to skip a generation.
While my specific domicile didn't come close to catching fire, I was forced to flee my neighborhood anyway and spent almost 24 hours as a fire evacuee seeking refuge wherever I could. Because of this troubling time, I now have a license to continually talk about the "hardships" that I have endured and to use the fire displacement as an excuse for my social flaws. Also, I can talk about the struggle and how I really understand what people who survived Katrina are going through. I exclusively wear clothing made of hemp now and talk about how when the revolution comes, I will be prepared because I've lived a life on the streets. People who don't understand like to call me "lucky" because many evacuees returned back to their streets only to find that they had lost their homes. Yeah, "lucky." You act like it's my fault that they misplace their belongings. Personally, I'd take a little more time to remember where I put my house if I were them but you can only teach people so much before they have to learn on their own.
Not to say that I was entirely unscathed by this most recent disaster. Sure, you might have lost your home and/or your life but I personally lost something much more important than that. I lost my innocence. Up until this point, fire to me was something that we roasted marshmallows over while camping or that hobos used to warm up next to when they ran out of wine on cold winter nights but now I know the sinister truth. Fire is nature's version of a serial rapist. Sure, you can get insurance policies on your houses and your cars but try finding someone to insure your innocence. You can't, and you can't replace it once it's gone. Well, I'm pretty sure anyway. I searched eBay and Amazon and got no results. If you know of some place where I can get another innocence, let me know.
Still, whenever a disaster of this magnitude comes around, it's always easier to focus on the negative but the truth is, a lot of positives came out of this fire, especially if you're a pervert and have some kind of scorched earth fetish. You're probably in heaven right now. Prior to this, not many people had heard of Southern California but thanks to hard-hitting coverage by CNN and fake press conferences by FEMA, our little nook of suburbia was thrust into the national spotlight. We were visited by all manner of celebrities and at one point during the inferno, I was only a mere 7.361 miles from George Bush, Katie Couric, and Anderson Cooper. At the same time! That kind of radius is usually only reserved for Saudi royalty and stalkers, neither of which I am.. yet.
So, as the fires wind down, business is starting to return back to normal here and people are starting to get back to doing the things they love. Unless some of those people like setting fires because I think everyone is holding off on that for a little while until everything settles down. Fire is kind of cliche now but if trends have taught me anything, it'll come back around and be cool again soon. Until then, I've left some candles and incense burning in home, waiting for it to return. Wildfires 2007: never forget. Flame on!
I received many emails from strangers offering their support and help through this troubled time and I wanted to take a quick minute to thank you for that. While I will admit to being confused as to how exactly buying pills that increase my "p3n1s s1ze!" was going to help me through a fire, I soon realized that beggars can't be choosers when it comes to assistance. Also, a larger penis will pretty much help you through any situation in life save for if you find yourself naked on an elementary school playground during recess. All that will net you is five years in the slammer. Unfortunately, I had to find out about that one the hard way. You'd think that if they were so concerned about naked men running through the playground, they would post more signs saying not to do it. They seem more concerned about people parking there overnight which I guess is also a very large problem.
A lot of television airtime has been devoted to thanking the first responders for their invaluable help in fighting the fire. Personally, I'd like to thank the second responders because the first responder to my place was just some crack head looking to loot my house. I explained to him that looting is best saved for after I have already vacated my home and gave him a better time to return. He thanked me profusely by peeing on my welcome mat and took off running into the street. The third responder was some insane old man spouting bible verses and yelling about the end of the world so perhaps good responders skip an iteration similar to how sickle cell anemia tends to skip a generation.
While my specific domicile didn't come close to catching fire, I was forced to flee my neighborhood anyway and spent almost 24 hours as a fire evacuee seeking refuge wherever I could. Because of this troubling time, I now have a license to continually talk about the "hardships" that I have endured and to use the fire displacement as an excuse for my social flaws. Also, I can talk about the struggle and how I really understand what people who survived Katrina are going through. I exclusively wear clothing made of hemp now and talk about how when the revolution comes, I will be prepared because I've lived a life on the streets. People who don't understand like to call me "lucky" because many evacuees returned back to their streets only to find that they had lost their homes. Yeah, "lucky." You act like it's my fault that they misplace their belongings. Personally, I'd take a little more time to remember where I put my house if I were them but you can only teach people so much before they have to learn on their own.
Not to say that I was entirely unscathed by this most recent disaster. Sure, you might have lost your home and/or your life but I personally lost something much more important than that. I lost my innocence. Up until this point, fire to me was something that we roasted marshmallows over while camping or that hobos used to warm up next to when they ran out of wine on cold winter nights but now I know the sinister truth. Fire is nature's version of a serial rapist. Sure, you can get insurance policies on your houses and your cars but try finding someone to insure your innocence. You can't, and you can't replace it once it's gone. Well, I'm pretty sure anyway. I searched eBay and Amazon and got no results. If you know of some place where I can get another innocence, let me know.
Still, whenever a disaster of this magnitude comes around, it's always easier to focus on the negative but the truth is, a lot of positives came out of this fire, especially if you're a pervert and have some kind of scorched earth fetish. You're probably in heaven right now. Prior to this, not many people had heard of Southern California but thanks to hard-hitting coverage by CNN and fake press conferences by FEMA, our little nook of suburbia was thrust into the national spotlight. We were visited by all manner of celebrities and at one point during the inferno, I was only a mere 7.361 miles from George Bush, Katie Couric, and Anderson Cooper. At the same time! That kind of radius is usually only reserved for Saudi royalty and stalkers, neither of which I am.. yet.
So, as the fires wind down, business is starting to return back to normal here and people are starting to get back to doing the things they love. Unless some of those people like setting fires because I think everyone is holding off on that for a little while until everything settles down. Fire is kind of cliche now but if trends have taught me anything, it'll come back around and be cool again soon. Until then, I've left some candles and incense burning in home, waiting for it to return. Wildfires 2007: never forget. Flame on!