Check one, two. Check one, two. What's up, homies? It's
America's number one DJ and next top model Art "Rubber Bullet" Dodger
contacting you live, straight from the underground. Well, actually,
it's from the basement of the PNC Corporate Campus but the term still
kind of applies. I'm not really from the streets or anything but
I've been bumping the new 50 Cent CD nonstop for the past few weeks and
I really feel like there is a black person inside me trying to get out.
Either that or it's heartburn. I don't really know -- I dropped
out of medical school once my phobia of white lab coats surfaced
Anyway, it's been a quick minute since we last had communication relations and I just thought that I would drop you a line so you don't think that I think that last time was a one night stand or that I stood you up. What we had was special and by special I mean the absolutely worst experience of my life. What the fuck was that smell? Seriously, do you not have a nose or something? Maybe you're just used to it, like how Indian people don't realize that they smell like curry and spicy food when they sweat. I mean, whatever, if that's your thing, cool. I'm just saying that you might want to get that checked out. It's really not natural.
As most of you could probably imagine, we receive a fairly large quantity of letters here at the PNC WWHFGCCCOC (or Pollestad.Net Corporation World Wide Headquarters For Global Correspondence and Communications Center Office Complex for short). Often times these letters are of a singular nature such as some idiot asking us how to solve a rubix cube or a handicapped person asking about the best way to avoid being raped by a horse but, on occasion, we are privy to a flood of letters commenting on a single topic of discourse. Those of us in the 'biz refer to this as a theme. Sometimes we get so many letters on a particular theme that it only makes sense to devote a separate update to them, as is the case here. Now, many of you know me from my completely awesome mailbag updates and by the phrase "most of you" I actually mean the three elderly people that I keep locked in my pantry, but every now and again I like to show that I am more than just a one trick pony. In fact, I am not even a pony at all but don't tell that to the farmer with whom I am staying or he'll probably start charging me rent. Hence, this update is my way of branching out.
Ok, sure, this update is primarily focused on people writing letters in and me answering them, usually coupled with some sarcastic advice or a witty anecdote that has absolutely nothing to do with what you just asked me about, but I would like to stress that is in no way, shape, or form a mailbag update. Why? Because as I mentioned above, these letters have a theme! Get it? Theme? Oh fuck it. Who am I trying to kid? I'll be doing this letter/response shtick forever because it's crap work and no one else wants to do it. I mean, look at Skip Walker. That guy hasn't written an update in something like a year and he still gets all of the good assignments. Of course, the fact that he hasn't written anything in a year tends to speak volumes about just how many good assignments we get around here.
Ok, five paragraphs in and no letters yet. Sorry. Sometimes I just get all kinds of caught up in the travesties of the world and forget what I am supposed to be doing. Letters, letters, letters. Got it. Today's "totally not a mailbag update but more of an update with themed letters" update is all about the wacky world of love and relationships. We receive a pretty constant stream of emails about these topics and figured it was high time we devoted a series to it. So, consider this the long delayed kickoff for the PNC Loveline, where I impersonate someone who knows something about love and pretend to not pay attention to whatever it was you just asked me. Are you excited? I am. I'm more fired up than a smart ass college student at a John Kerry political rally. But seriously, don't tase me, bro. Bring forth the letters!
Dear Loveline,
I'm a hard working professional with my own business. I enjoy classy dinners, opera, and just relaxing when I have the rare spare moment. I have tried and failed to keep steady relationships going and I'm baffled by this. When did it become so hard to find a decent, honest man who isn't out solely for my money or quick jollies?
- Anna
Dear Anna,
Did you just honestly use the word 'jollies'? Seriously, who says that anymore? Maybe you and I can hit the 'juice joint' and grab some 'joe' or 'hooch' and maybe watch the 'hoofers' and 'flappers' operate. That is unless you're a 'Mrs. Gundy' or a 'palooka'. I'd rather be 'on the lam' or 'taken for a ride' than hang out with a 'wet blanket'. But if you're open to the idea of getting 'spifflicated' and then hitting the 'struggle buggy' then I just might be 'stuck on you'. You see how annoying that was? That's you, talking to me and using the word 'jollies'.
"When did it become so hard to find a decent honest man?" Answer: ever since you've started gaining weight. Seriously, start losing pounds and you'll stop losing ground. And if that was your only problem, a few gym visits and you'd be on your way but make-up and exercise don't cure ugly. I hate (read: love) to be the one to break the news to you but you're really not as attractive as you think you are. Do me a favor and take a good, long look at yourself (and I have been with my high-powered binoculars from the apartment across the street from you) and seriously ask yourself that question again, this time without laughing. I mean, I'm not even all that discriminating when it comes to looks but goddamn you pack on the ugly. Hell, I once banged a paraplegic because she was easy to fold into my luggage and talk with me on trips but you are more depraved than that. Face it, money is the only thing you have going for you. Spend that money a little more freely and you might just get what you are looking for. Look, I'll tell you what. Hit me up on the Art Dodger hotline (1-800-FUK-UGLY, $3.99/min) and maybe we can get to know each other a little better.
Dear Loveline,
I recently severed my relationship with my girlfriend. We got along great but she would constantly nag at me every time we get into the car. "I can't believe that you don't open the door for me!" Was I wrong in kicking her to the curb?
- Gary
Dear Gary,
Were you wrong? Hell no! The bitch has two hands, doesn't she? I mean, if she really didn't have two hands then maybe you should have been a bit more sympathetic. Heck, at least stick with her for the handicapped sticker and the excellent parking. Opening doors is a small price to pay for not having to wait at the mall. But if she did have two hands, then she was just lazy and you don't need someone like that in your life always dragging you down. Sure, it might just start with the car doors but before you know it, you're opening other doors for her and feeding her food because she can't be bothered to do it herself. I say job well done, sir. You got out before the bomb dropped.
Dear Loveline,
Probably like most people who write in here, I need help. I have been dating this guy for a couple of months now and we're both madly in love with each other. He is the greatest thing on the planet to me and definitely my soul mate... except when he kisses me. While I am certainly no expert myself, it feels like he's going to suck my face off every time we make out. I thought that he might be the one but this habit is horrible and he refuses to listen to my pleas for change. Do you have any advice?
- Justine
Dear Justine,
I thought that I was in love once. That nauseating feeling in your stomach, the dry heaves, the fact that I could no longer feel my fingers; I thought for sure that I had tasted love. Unfortunately, it just turned out to be food poisoning from some bad Thai that I ate the night before but oh how I do remember those hours fondly.
We here at the PNC can certainly sympathize with your plight. While it can be difficult dealing with sensitive issues surrounding a loved one, it is best to take control of the situation before it gets out of control. The next time you start getting hot and heavy, wait until the face sucking begins. Quickly stop, point at your mouth, and choose one or more of the following options:
This brings the inaugural edition of the PNC Loveline to a close. I kind of hope you enjoyed it but, honestly, I don't really care. There is a cold front moving in and my nipples are like icicles. So, America, keep writing these letters and I will keep reading them. I will also continue to choose the best ones (read: not yours) and post them here so that I can make funnys at your expense. Until next time...
Anyway, it's been a quick minute since we last had communication relations and I just thought that I would drop you a line so you don't think that I think that last time was a one night stand or that I stood you up. What we had was special and by special I mean the absolutely worst experience of my life. What the fuck was that smell? Seriously, do you not have a nose or something? Maybe you're just used to it, like how Indian people don't realize that they smell like curry and spicy food when they sweat. I mean, whatever, if that's your thing, cool. I'm just saying that you might want to get that checked out. It's really not natural.
|
As most of you could probably imagine, we receive a fairly large quantity of letters here at the PNC WWHFGCCCOC (or Pollestad.Net Corporation World Wide Headquarters For Global Correspondence and Communications Center Office Complex for short). Often times these letters are of a singular nature such as some idiot asking us how to solve a rubix cube or a handicapped person asking about the best way to avoid being raped by a horse but, on occasion, we are privy to a flood of letters commenting on a single topic of discourse. Those of us in the 'biz refer to this as a theme. Sometimes we get so many letters on a particular theme that it only makes sense to devote a separate update to them, as is the case here. Now, many of you know me from my completely awesome mailbag updates and by the phrase "most of you" I actually mean the three elderly people that I keep locked in my pantry, but every now and again I like to show that I am more than just a one trick pony. In fact, I am not even a pony at all but don't tell that to the farmer with whom I am staying or he'll probably start charging me rent. Hence, this update is my way of branching out.
Ok, sure, this update is primarily focused on people writing letters in and me answering them, usually coupled with some sarcastic advice or a witty anecdote that has absolutely nothing to do with what you just asked me about, but I would like to stress that is in no way, shape, or form a mailbag update. Why? Because as I mentioned above, these letters have a theme! Get it? Theme? Oh fuck it. Who am I trying to kid? I'll be doing this letter/response shtick forever because it's crap work and no one else wants to do it. I mean, look at Skip Walker. That guy hasn't written an update in something like a year and he still gets all of the good assignments. Of course, the fact that he hasn't written anything in a year tends to speak volumes about just how many good assignments we get around here.
Ok, five paragraphs in and no letters yet. Sorry. Sometimes I just get all kinds of caught up in the travesties of the world and forget what I am supposed to be doing. Letters, letters, letters. Got it. Today's "totally not a mailbag update but more of an update with themed letters" update is all about the wacky world of love and relationships. We receive a pretty constant stream of emails about these topics and figured it was high time we devoted a series to it. So, consider this the long delayed kickoff for the PNC Loveline, where I impersonate someone who knows something about love and pretend to not pay attention to whatever it was you just asked me. Are you excited? I am. I'm more fired up than a smart ass college student at a John Kerry political rally. But seriously, don't tase me, bro. Bring forth the letters!
Dear Loveline,
I'm a hard working professional with my own business. I enjoy classy dinners, opera, and just relaxing when I have the rare spare moment. I have tried and failed to keep steady relationships going and I'm baffled by this. When did it become so hard to find a decent, honest man who isn't out solely for my money or quick jollies?
- Anna
Dear Anna,
Did you just honestly use the word 'jollies'? Seriously, who says that anymore? Maybe you and I can hit the 'juice joint' and grab some 'joe' or 'hooch' and maybe watch the 'hoofers' and 'flappers' operate. That is unless you're a 'Mrs. Gundy' or a 'palooka'. I'd rather be 'on the lam' or 'taken for a ride' than hang out with a 'wet blanket'. But if you're open to the idea of getting 'spifflicated' and then hitting the 'struggle buggy' then I just might be 'stuck on you'. You see how annoying that was? That's you, talking to me and using the word 'jollies'.
|
"When did it become so hard to find a decent honest man?" Answer: ever since you've started gaining weight. Seriously, start losing pounds and you'll stop losing ground. And if that was your only problem, a few gym visits and you'd be on your way but make-up and exercise don't cure ugly. I hate (read: love) to be the one to break the news to you but you're really not as attractive as you think you are. Do me a favor and take a good, long look at yourself (and I have been with my high-powered binoculars from the apartment across the street from you) and seriously ask yourself that question again, this time without laughing. I mean, I'm not even all that discriminating when it comes to looks but goddamn you pack on the ugly. Hell, I once banged a paraplegic because she was easy to fold into my luggage and talk with me on trips but you are more depraved than that. Face it, money is the only thing you have going for you. Spend that money a little more freely and you might just get what you are looking for. Look, I'll tell you what. Hit me up on the Art Dodger hotline (1-800-FUK-UGLY, $3.99/min) and maybe we can get to know each other a little better.
Dear Loveline,
I recently severed my relationship with my girlfriend. We got along great but she would constantly nag at me every time we get into the car. "I can't believe that you don't open the door for me!" Was I wrong in kicking her to the curb?
- Gary
Dear Gary,
Were you wrong? Hell no! The bitch has two hands, doesn't she? I mean, if she really didn't have two hands then maybe you should have been a bit more sympathetic. Heck, at least stick with her for the handicapped sticker and the excellent parking. Opening doors is a small price to pay for not having to wait at the mall. But if she did have two hands, then she was just lazy and you don't need someone like that in your life always dragging you down. Sure, it might just start with the car doors but before you know it, you're opening other doors for her and feeding her food because she can't be bothered to do it herself. I say job well done, sir. You got out before the bomb dropped.
Dear Loveline,
Probably like most people who write in here, I need help. I have been dating this guy for a couple of months now and we're both madly in love with each other. He is the greatest thing on the planet to me and definitely my soul mate... except when he kisses me. While I am certainly no expert myself, it feels like he's going to suck my face off every time we make out. I thought that he might be the one but this habit is horrible and he refuses to listen to my pleas for change. Do you have any advice?
- Justine
Dear Justine,
I thought that I was in love once. That nauseating feeling in your stomach, the dry heaves, the fact that I could no longer feel my fingers; I thought for sure that I had tasted love. Unfortunately, it just turned out to be food poisoning from some bad Thai that I ate the night before but oh how I do remember those hours fondly.
|
We here at the PNC can certainly sympathize with your plight. While it can be difficult dealing with sensitive issues surrounding a loved one, it is best to take control of the situation before it gets out of control. The next time you start getting hot and heavy, wait until the face sucking begins. Quickly stop, point at your mouth, and choose one or more of the following options:
- spank him with a rolled up newspaperAny one of these options has proven itself time and time again for many people around the world and I have no doubt that you will also find success using these methods. If not, then he just might not be smarter than a fifth grader and you can drop him like clumsy waiters do trays.
- squirt him with water from a spray bottle
- rub his nose in it
- say "No!" in a stern, commanding voice
- flick him in the forehead and tell him he was bad
This brings the inaugural edition of the PNC Loveline to a close. I kind of hope you enjoyed it but, honestly, I don't really care. There is a cold front moving in and my nipples are like icicles. So, America, keep writing these letters and I will keep reading them. I will also continue to choose the best ones (read: not yours) and post them here so that I can make funnys at your expense. Until next time...