Given that the Pollestad.Net Corporation is a licensed, international
conglomerate who may or may not produce anything of real value, it's
really no surprise that much of the company functions as a very public
entity. Because of this, it only makes sense that the Pollestad.Net
family of websites is visited frequently by various members of said
public from all around the globe. In fact, my closest advisor
revealed to me the other day that these very same websites are also
viewable by people on the internet! Imagine my surprise at this
little revelation. Of course, I had no idea what the hell he was
talking about so I beat him about the head with a glass jar full of
jelly beans and then made him walk around with a shoe on his head for
the remainder of the day. Hey, it helped me feel better and it
beats paying for therapy.
Due to it's extreme greatness, the PNC web collective draws in excess of three million visitors per day; people from many different countries and from all walks of life, up to and including people who can't actually walk and rednecks. Much like a bad ending to a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book, there are many different ways to reach PNC on the web. Believe it or not, some people actually visit the site willingly, without the company having to resort to extortion, coercion, or bribery as influence. I would like to take a moment and applaud this demographic because not only does it make my job of spreading nonsense propoganda easier, I can only imagine how tough it must be to operate a computer when you're certifiably retarded. However, despite our best efforts at advertising and kidnapping, the vast majority of our internet body count is, sadly, by accident. While it's true that a small few do manage to get to us via a referral (either by email, Myspace, or those thousands of letters that we placed into bottles and threw into the ocean), search engines still prove to be our greatest, if unintentional, ally.
As the PNC web portal reaches the milestone of 50,000 visitors, we thought it prudent to take some time out of our busy schedules and recognize these internet heroes; the surfers who are blindly clicking around google and stumble upon us instead of the horse porn they were looking for. Search engines are a lot like hallways in a strange house and they can provide you with unexpected results if you're not careful, kind of like how that one night stand provided you with a burning sensation while you pee. When configured properly, any web site can find out what search terms a user used to find the web site and I thought it would be interesting to take a look at just how people were finding out about us. While some obvious results ones such as "pollestad" and "unfunny internet retard" made the list, what also made the list of search referrals surprised me. If you don't know what a search referral is, exhale a heartly laugh like I just said a good joke. When your roommate/significant other asks what you are doing, simply state that the man on the internet said something funny and that you are laughing out loud. Afterwards, pull out a pack of Mentos and rub it in their face in order to really seal the deal. Following this, they should also join you in laughter. If not, shoot them. Anyone who doesn't laugh at Mentos is only going to cause you more problems in the future.
So, without further ado, below are some of the top search referral hits that pointed people to pollestad.net listed in no particular order:
Search term: midget prostitutes
Pretty obvious why this would lead to me, given that I talk about both midgets and prostitutes quite frequently. However, I am using it as a humor device. Why someone would willingly search for this is beyond me.
Ranking for P.Net: Not sure. I don't show up in the first five pages of results. Someone must have been digging real hard.
Search term: pictures of my barbie collection
When asked what I used to use the site for before I started filling it with juvenile humor: "I then wound up using the site to post pictures of my barbie collection and write "Golden Girls" erotic fan fiction." Truer words have never been written.
Ranking for P.Net: Bottom of page 9.
Search term: iowa sucks
Why, yes it does. I am glad you agree. To quote some page I found while searching for this: "Iowa sucks more balls than Elton John." Of course, comparing Iowa to Elton John isn't quite proper science since a lot more men have been inside Elton John.
Ranking for P.Net: No clue. Page 18 of results and still no direct link. It would seem that a lot of other people also think Iowa sucks.
Search term: sample joke ransom notes
Imagine the disappointment when you come up with the wholly clever idea to play a joke on your friend by using a fake ransom note and the internet directs you to me. Now, multiply that by 50 and you have the level of disappointment that others harbor about you thinking that your clever idea about the ransom note joke was actually funny.
Ranking for P.Net: Page one, 5th result.
Search term: super glue
Geez, a guy has a small moment of weakness and writes one poor update about glue and the world never lets him forget about it. Well, sort of. It's not like anyone is really going out of their way to remind me of that. The flashbacks do well enough on their own.
Ranking for P.Net: Don't know. There are a ton of sites that talk about super glue and I stopped looking after I found a page that told me how to properly "huff" it.
Search term: matthew and gunnar nelson
I was pretty surprised to see this listed as an actual result, largely because I don't know (or care) who Matthew and Gunnar Nelson are. After doing some research, I found out that this phrase was included in a comment written about an update I wrote, not something that I specifically penned. Therefore, I am able to keep my man card.
Ranking for P.Net: No clue. I saw a picture of these guys and spent the next hour crouched in the corner crying and wishing for masculinity to come save me.
Search term: pizoli recipe
R. Pizoli is a detective, a running character in a few stories that I have written in the past. While I would imagine that it would be pretty difficult to duplicate him using a standard recipe (and thus your search is doomed to failure), you can come fairly close if you do the following: grab a large bowl and mix in two eggs, a loaf of bread, a feather, and five parts of awesome sauce. Eat it. If you don't die, consider it a lesson to not eat shit that you read about off of the internet.
Ranking for P.Net: Page one, 5th result.
Search term: pollestad zoo
While life is indeed like a jungle sometimes and it does in fact make me wonder sometimes how I keep from going on under, that's no reason to start calling me names. I run a respectable business, not a zoo. Sure, there are similarities but I assure you that my animals are in cages for wholly different reasons.
Ranking for P.Net: Page one, results one through three. Quote: "We've never actually been to Pluto and what we know is mostly rumor and conjecture put together by three monkeys and a wasp who were overheard talking in a zoo."
Other notable mentions that aren't listed above are: "you will never be something because you're a worthless retard" (so true), "this memo is to inform the new staff members and as a reminder to the old staff" (that you're all fired), "free playboy centerfold pics" (I've got 'em!), and lastly, "dirty feet corns" (why would you search for this?). The list could go on and on -- and it does -- but, frankly, you've got to pay to play these days and I don't see your wallet open. In fact, I don't see your wallet at all, likely because I stole it back when you were reading the first paragraph. I hope that you enjoyed this little diversion as we press onward to another 50,000 visitors.
Due to it's extreme greatness, the PNC web collective draws in excess of three million visitors per day; people from many different countries and from all walks of life, up to and including people who can't actually walk and rednecks. Much like a bad ending to a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book, there are many different ways to reach PNC on the web. Believe it or not, some people actually visit the site willingly, without the company having to resort to extortion, coercion, or bribery as influence. I would like to take a moment and applaud this demographic because not only does it make my job of spreading nonsense propoganda easier, I can only imagine how tough it must be to operate a computer when you're certifiably retarded. However, despite our best efforts at advertising and kidnapping, the vast majority of our internet body count is, sadly, by accident. While it's true that a small few do manage to get to us via a referral (either by email, Myspace, or those thousands of letters that we placed into bottles and threw into the ocean), search engines still prove to be our greatest, if unintentional, ally.
As the PNC web portal reaches the milestone of 50,000 visitors, we thought it prudent to take some time out of our busy schedules and recognize these internet heroes; the surfers who are blindly clicking around google and stumble upon us instead of the horse porn they were looking for. Search engines are a lot like hallways in a strange house and they can provide you with unexpected results if you're not careful, kind of like how that one night stand provided you with a burning sensation while you pee. When configured properly, any web site can find out what search terms a user used to find the web site and I thought it would be interesting to take a look at just how people were finding out about us. While some obvious results ones such as "pollestad" and "unfunny internet retard" made the list, what also made the list of search referrals surprised me. If you don't know what a search referral is, exhale a heartly laugh like I just said a good joke. When your roommate/significant other asks what you are doing, simply state that the man on the internet said something funny and that you are laughing out loud. Afterwards, pull out a pack of Mentos and rub it in their face in order to really seal the deal. Following this, they should also join you in laughter. If not, shoot them. Anyone who doesn't laugh at Mentos is only going to cause you more problems in the future.
So, without further ado, below are some of the top search referral hits that pointed people to pollestad.net listed in no particular order:
Search term: midget prostitutes
Pretty obvious why this would lead to me, given that I talk about both midgets and prostitutes quite frequently. However, I am using it as a humor device. Why someone would willingly search for this is beyond me.
Ranking for P.Net: Not sure. I don't show up in the first five pages of results. Someone must have been digging real hard.
Search term: pictures of my barbie collection
When asked what I used to use the site for before I started filling it with juvenile humor: "I then wound up using the site to post pictures of my barbie collection and write "Golden Girls" erotic fan fiction." Truer words have never been written.
Ranking for P.Net: Bottom of page 9.
Search term: iowa sucks
Why, yes it does. I am glad you agree. To quote some page I found while searching for this: "Iowa sucks more balls than Elton John." Of course, comparing Iowa to Elton John isn't quite proper science since a lot more men have been inside Elton John.
Ranking for P.Net: No clue. Page 18 of results and still no direct link. It would seem that a lot of other people also think Iowa sucks.
Search term: sample joke ransom notes
Imagine the disappointment when you come up with the wholly clever idea to play a joke on your friend by using a fake ransom note and the internet directs you to me. Now, multiply that by 50 and you have the level of disappointment that others harbor about you thinking that your clever idea about the ransom note joke was actually funny.
Ranking for P.Net: Page one, 5th result.
Search term: super glue
Geez, a guy has a small moment of weakness and writes one poor update about glue and the world never lets him forget about it. Well, sort of. It's not like anyone is really going out of their way to remind me of that. The flashbacks do well enough on their own.
Ranking for P.Net: Don't know. There are a ton of sites that talk about super glue and I stopped looking after I found a page that told me how to properly "huff" it.
Search term: matthew and gunnar nelson
I was pretty surprised to see this listed as an actual result, largely because I don't know (or care) who Matthew and Gunnar Nelson are. After doing some research, I found out that this phrase was included in a comment written about an update I wrote, not something that I specifically penned. Therefore, I am able to keep my man card.
Ranking for P.Net: No clue. I saw a picture of these guys and spent the next hour crouched in the corner crying and wishing for masculinity to come save me.
Search term: pizoli recipe
R. Pizoli is a detective, a running character in a few stories that I have written in the past. While I would imagine that it would be pretty difficult to duplicate him using a standard recipe (and thus your search is doomed to failure), you can come fairly close if you do the following: grab a large bowl and mix in two eggs, a loaf of bread, a feather, and five parts of awesome sauce. Eat it. If you don't die, consider it a lesson to not eat shit that you read about off of the internet.
Ranking for P.Net: Page one, 5th result.
Search term: pollestad zoo
While life is indeed like a jungle sometimes and it does in fact make me wonder sometimes how I keep from going on under, that's no reason to start calling me names. I run a respectable business, not a zoo. Sure, there are similarities but I assure you that my animals are in cages for wholly different reasons.
Ranking for P.Net: Page one, results one through three. Quote: "We've never actually been to Pluto and what we know is mostly rumor and conjecture put together by three monkeys and a wasp who were overheard talking in a zoo."
Other notable mentions that aren't listed above are: "you will never be something because you're a worthless retard" (so true), "this memo is to inform the new staff members and as a reminder to the old staff" (that you're all fired), "free playboy centerfold pics" (I've got 'em!), and lastly, "dirty feet corns" (why would you search for this?). The list could go on and on -- and it does -- but, frankly, you've got to pay to play these days and I don't see your wallet open. In fact, I don't see your wallet at all, likely because I stole it back when you were reading the first paragraph. I hope that you enjoyed this little diversion as we press onward to another 50,000 visitors.
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