Life can be a pretty tough thing to handle for a lot of people. It
lasts way too long and takes up way too much of your time. Time
that could be better spent doing something else, like buying a trash can
or catching up with what's going on the world of tennis. Oh sure,
you say, there's an easy way out of that. Yeah, dying. But
that's the suckers route, best reserved for sissies and AIDS patients,
and you're not one of those, are you? I hope not. (If you are,
haha!) Anyway, sorry, I'm getting more off-track than a blind
baton relay team.
What I meant to start talking about was making life easier to live. Just as cities impose rules to make habitation easier, life too has rules. There is no one set of rules for everybody but I have listed some possible rules below that, if enacted, would benefit almost everyone and make your tough life just a bit more pleasant. It's the little things that we can give back to the community that helps us feel better about embezzling all of those funds from phony charities. For those of you familiar with Bill Maher, feel free to read the rest of this update using his voice. Anyway, without further ado, it's time for my version of NEW RULES!
Elderly Oversight: Old people need to stop going out in public without supervision. While I imagine that in your mind, you're more than capable and are able to do anything you wish, I'd like to take a brick, write the word reality on it, and smash it across your face. Sure, you can do all of the things that I can do, you just happen to do them three times slower and this annoys the shit out of me. You drive slow, you walk slow, and you talk slow. Hurry the fuck up! You don't have much time left! Also, that fragrant mixture of your oxygen tank and mothballs that seems to always follow you around? Awesome.
Family Check: I'm all for people doing whatever it is that makes them happy, but seriously, do me a favor. Analyze your life, your job, your existing family. Take all of this into account, look deep within yourself, and ask yourself one simple question: do I really need that fourth kid? The answer is probably no. Show some restraint next time you and the wife feel like getting intimate. Slap some latex between you and the missus and save us the trouble of watching you haul your goddamn circus troupe around every where you go. Your wallet will thank you later.
Rotund Rebuffs: Fat people need to stop making excuses about why they are fat. Sure, I can concede that there are a small fraction of the obese population that are that way because of medical conditions and what not but the rest of you don't qualify. You're not big boned and it doesn't run in the family. Hell, if there was any kind of running in your family, you probably wouldn't look like a walrus in clothes. Eat some yogurt or something. Go get some exercise. Trust me, it's not a glandular problem. Stop making an entire bucket of KFC chicken your comfort food and you'll be fine. I promise.
Urinal Sounds: Men, please stop thinking that because you're in a public restroom with a bunch of other guys that it's ok to fart and make all kinds of disgusting noises. It's not a fucking elite clubhouse and just because we both pee standing up doesn't make us friends. I really don't want to hear it and I'm sure that the other guys in the room would really enjoy and vow of silence from your anus. Really, public restrooms are gross enough and I don't need you spreading ass butter all over the room.
Retiree Remonstrate: One more rule for the old folks. Old people need to stop complaining about everything. You bitch about your food, you bitch about people, you bitch about technology. Look, we get it. You're cranky. Cool, just shut the hell up about it. You don't see us younger folk bitching in your direction all the time. Trust us, we want to. Do you want to know why we don't? BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD. Respect us because we're putting up with you, you waste of social security money.
Following Orders: For the love of god, please figure out what you want to order prior to getting up the counter. While I realize that McDonald's has a wide array of culinary choices, if you're wasting my time debating whether you want the quarter pounder or the quarter pounder with cheese, perhaps ordering food isn't the problem you should be tackling first. I can cut you a slight break if you've never eaten at whatever restaurant before, so maybe you're not familiar with the menu. That's fine. Every restaurant has set aside a special for you. It's called NOT IN LINE. When you're in magical "NOT IN LINE" land, you can peruse the menu all you'd like and please feel free to debate whether you think extra mayo on your chicken sandwich really is the best option. Also, would you like to know the best part about NOT IN LINE? You're not standing in front of me and shortening my life span. Thanks.
French Hotel: Teenagers, please stop encouraging Paris Hilton. If she embodies everything you want to be when you grow up, just do the world a favor and have a cup of drano with your next meal. Yes, she's rich. We'd all like to be rich. She's also a dumb, trashy slut who will do anything for two seconds of publicity. Yeah, I'd hit it but that's not saying much. Two words for you: LAZY EYE. You want one of those? You have to have one if you want to be Paris Hilton so bad. Lazy eye. Lazy eye. I'm opening a clinic that specializes in lazy eyes. Don't worry, Daddy will bail you out.
If only we could all observe and follow these simple rules, day to day living would be a lot easier. Also, day to night living with vastly improve but not quite as much. Maybe like 57% or something. I don't have the exact numbers in front of me. I'll be back later with more rules because I have a bunch of them and I didn't allocate myself enough space or time. Lots of rules are a good thing because they are made to be broken. I'm totally into breaking stuff.
What I meant to start talking about was making life easier to live. Just as cities impose rules to make habitation easier, life too has rules. There is no one set of rules for everybody but I have listed some possible rules below that, if enacted, would benefit almost everyone and make your tough life just a bit more pleasant. It's the little things that we can give back to the community that helps us feel better about embezzling all of those funds from phony charities. For those of you familiar with Bill Maher, feel free to read the rest of this update using his voice. Anyway, without further ado, it's time for my version of NEW RULES!
Elderly Oversight: Old people need to stop going out in public without supervision. While I imagine that in your mind, you're more than capable and are able to do anything you wish, I'd like to take a brick, write the word reality on it, and smash it across your face. Sure, you can do all of the things that I can do, you just happen to do them three times slower and this annoys the shit out of me. You drive slow, you walk slow, and you talk slow. Hurry the fuck up! You don't have much time left! Also, that fragrant mixture of your oxygen tank and mothballs that seems to always follow you around? Awesome.
Family Check: I'm all for people doing whatever it is that makes them happy, but seriously, do me a favor. Analyze your life, your job, your existing family. Take all of this into account, look deep within yourself, and ask yourself one simple question: do I really need that fourth kid? The answer is probably no. Show some restraint next time you and the wife feel like getting intimate. Slap some latex between you and the missus and save us the trouble of watching you haul your goddamn circus troupe around every where you go. Your wallet will thank you later.
Rotund Rebuffs: Fat people need to stop making excuses about why they are fat. Sure, I can concede that there are a small fraction of the obese population that are that way because of medical conditions and what not but the rest of you don't qualify. You're not big boned and it doesn't run in the family. Hell, if there was any kind of running in your family, you probably wouldn't look like a walrus in clothes. Eat some yogurt or something. Go get some exercise. Trust me, it's not a glandular problem. Stop making an entire bucket of KFC chicken your comfort food and you'll be fine. I promise.
Urinal Sounds: Men, please stop thinking that because you're in a public restroom with a bunch of other guys that it's ok to fart and make all kinds of disgusting noises. It's not a fucking elite clubhouse and just because we both pee standing up doesn't make us friends. I really don't want to hear it and I'm sure that the other guys in the room would really enjoy and vow of silence from your anus. Really, public restrooms are gross enough and I don't need you spreading ass butter all over the room.
Retiree Remonstrate: One more rule for the old folks. Old people need to stop complaining about everything. You bitch about your food, you bitch about people, you bitch about technology. Look, we get it. You're cranky. Cool, just shut the hell up about it. You don't see us younger folk bitching in your direction all the time. Trust us, we want to. Do you want to know why we don't? BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD. Respect us because we're putting up with you, you waste of social security money.
Following Orders: For the love of god, please figure out what you want to order prior to getting up the counter. While I realize that McDonald's has a wide array of culinary choices, if you're wasting my time debating whether you want the quarter pounder or the quarter pounder with cheese, perhaps ordering food isn't the problem you should be tackling first. I can cut you a slight break if you've never eaten at whatever restaurant before, so maybe you're not familiar with the menu. That's fine. Every restaurant has set aside a special for you. It's called NOT IN LINE. When you're in magical "NOT IN LINE" land, you can peruse the menu all you'd like and please feel free to debate whether you think extra mayo on your chicken sandwich really is the best option. Also, would you like to know the best part about NOT IN LINE? You're not standing in front of me and shortening my life span. Thanks.
French Hotel: Teenagers, please stop encouraging Paris Hilton. If she embodies everything you want to be when you grow up, just do the world a favor and have a cup of drano with your next meal. Yes, she's rich. We'd all like to be rich. She's also a dumb, trashy slut who will do anything for two seconds of publicity. Yeah, I'd hit it but that's not saying much. Two words for you: LAZY EYE. You want one of those? You have to have one if you want to be Paris Hilton so bad. Lazy eye. Lazy eye. I'm opening a clinic that specializes in lazy eyes. Don't worry, Daddy will bail you out.
If only we could all observe and follow these simple rules, day to day living would be a lot easier. Also, day to night living with vastly improve but not quite as much. Maybe like 57% or something. I don't have the exact numbers in front of me. I'll be back later with more rules because I have a bunch of them and I didn't allocate myself enough space or time. Lots of rules are a good thing because they are made to be broken. I'm totally into breaking stuff.
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