Howdy folks, it's me, Art "Neutron Bomb" Dodger checking in live via satellite
and getting myself hyped up to do some reporting of the written variety. Ok,
so it's not exactly "live via satellite" as much as "pre-recorded from my
basement" but this is the internet and I'm allowed to say anything I want, even
if it's not strictly true. Now, you might be asking yourself why I'm updating
from my house and not, say, my place of employment and if I was yourself, I
would respond to you by saying that the P.Net Campus is currently uninhabitable
thanks to a lack of electric power. No power means no internet or overhead
lights. Normally I'd be more than content to simply do my menials tasks by
using more old fashioned methods but everytime Randy sees a candle, he gets really
excited and pulls out his ouija board to see if he can summon the dead.
To some of the more perceptive readers out there, you're probably more than well aware of the succinct lack of updates that have been posted over the past few weeks and hopefully the above explanation will help provide some reason for this. Like usual, I'm the one that gets called in when the going gets tough and the words stop flowing. While I realize that some of you may be put off because you don't see the words "P.Net Mailbag" in the title of this piece, fret not. Yes, it's true that most of you know me as the guy who reads letters but I'm about to let you in on a little secret: I also write letters! Try to think of this update as a sort of reverse mailbag, if such a thing were to actually exist and/or make any sense whatsoever.
Unless you're an illiterate five year old girl, you, much like everyone else, has written a letter on at least one occasion. Sometimes these letters are correspondence of a personal nature while others are sent to the editors of daily newspapers when you're particularly outraged at a local official but are too lazy to actually do anything about it other than complain. Letters can be fun but they can also be dangerous, since sometimes kidnappers use them as a means to demand money. The police like to call these ransom demands "notes" but the masters of the pen know better. They're letters. Anyway, since the PNC campus is shut down, I haven't able to steal free postage stamps and put these letters in the mail but I think that they are far too important to just be left lying around so I'm going to do what any one in my position would do: post them on the internet. Not only am I using technology to help spread my word and ideals, I'm saving money by not having to buy stamps. I'm a genius. Anyway, on to my letters!
Dear Cash Register Attendant,
Please stop feeling like you have to try and connect with me, the customer, during the whole two minutes that I am at the counter ordering my food. I don't really care whether you think that the salad that I just ordered is "really good" or that the pasta I chose to go with it is "what you order all the time when you eat here." I'm ordering that specific meal because it's what I like and if I wanted your opinion or needed your approval of my meal, I'd ask for it beforehand. I figure that if your judgement was enough to be worth listening to, you wouldn't be working behind a counter taking orders from people in the first place. Thank you in advance for your consideration of this matter.
Sincerely,
Art Dodger
Dear Guy In The Next Stall,
Please stop being so loud. While I realize that I certainly don't speak for everyone, having to do your business in a public restroom is a bad enough experience without having to listen to you next door re-enacting the bathroom scene from "Dumb & Dumber." Yes, it is often referred to as a bowel movement but note that your bowels shouldn't literally be moving. Do you not have a toilet at home? I'm not saying don't go but you sound like you haven't taken a crap in a week and your rotten symphony of grunts and squeals is anything but music to my ears. A little restraint is all I'm asking for. Thank you in advance for your consideration of this matter.
Sincerely,
Art Dodger
Dear Obese Consumer,
Please stop using diet soda as a means to make you appear more healthy. I applaud the fact that you likely realize that you are overweight and that you feel at least a small inkling to lose some pounds, but eating a barbeque bacon double cheeseburger coupled with a large order of fries and washing it down with a diet coke will not get you the results you desire. Diet soda is not good for you -- it's merely less bad for you than regular soda. Try ordering something like water instead. Also, it's not "ok" that you had Subway for lunch. While it's possibly true that Jared lost all of that weight eating footlong sandwiches, I highly doubt that the double meat BMT with extra mayo and cheese was the way he did it. Thank you in advance for your consideration of this matter.
Sincerely,
Art Dodger
Dear Inobservant Parent,
Please stop taking your children out in public if you don't plan on paying attention to what they are doing. While I do realize that talking on your cell phone about how great your new Mercedes drives is high on your list of priorities, me summoning up the restraint to not knock your child into the middle of next week isn't high on mine. I'm just trying to enjoy my meal and unless you want to test out just how well your family medical plan covers emergencies, a little more attention paying is in order. Additionally, if your kid does something extremely annoying in public, it's not ok just because they're a kid and they don't know any better. "Not knowing better" is not an excuse. It wouldn't keep you out of jail if you broke the law and certainly wouldn't excuse me if I broke your nose. Maybe if you got off your fat ass and exerted some discipline every now and again instead of rewarding them with candy every time they display just how much smarter they are than you things might be a little different and it might just be a little easier for me to finish my meal without facing homocide charges. Really, I'm just trying to make the world a better place for everyone. Thank you in advance for your consideration of this matter.
Sincerely,
Art Dodger
There, I think I feel a little better finally having gotten those letters out in the open. Hopefully it won't be too long before all the kinks are worked out back at the office and I can return to being forced to do humiliating things on camera as Randy tries to capture the top spot on YouTube. It's sad what you miss when you don't have it anymore.
To some of the more perceptive readers out there, you're probably more than well aware of the succinct lack of updates that have been posted over the past few weeks and hopefully the above explanation will help provide some reason for this. Like usual, I'm the one that gets called in when the going gets tough and the words stop flowing. While I realize that some of you may be put off because you don't see the words "P.Net Mailbag" in the title of this piece, fret not. Yes, it's true that most of you know me as the guy who reads letters but I'm about to let you in on a little secret: I also write letters! Try to think of this update as a sort of reverse mailbag, if such a thing were to actually exist and/or make any sense whatsoever.
Unless you're an illiterate five year old girl, you, much like everyone else, has written a letter on at least one occasion. Sometimes these letters are correspondence of a personal nature while others are sent to the editors of daily newspapers when you're particularly outraged at a local official but are too lazy to actually do anything about it other than complain. Letters can be fun but they can also be dangerous, since sometimes kidnappers use them as a means to demand money. The police like to call these ransom demands "notes" but the masters of the pen know better. They're letters. Anyway, since the PNC campus is shut down, I haven't able to steal free postage stamps and put these letters in the mail but I think that they are far too important to just be left lying around so I'm going to do what any one in my position would do: post them on the internet. Not only am I using technology to help spread my word and ideals, I'm saving money by not having to buy stamps. I'm a genius. Anyway, on to my letters!
Dear Cash Register Attendant,
Please stop feeling like you have to try and connect with me, the customer, during the whole two minutes that I am at the counter ordering my food. I don't really care whether you think that the salad that I just ordered is "really good" or that the pasta I chose to go with it is "what you order all the time when you eat here." I'm ordering that specific meal because it's what I like and if I wanted your opinion or needed your approval of my meal, I'd ask for it beforehand. I figure that if your judgement was enough to be worth listening to, you wouldn't be working behind a counter taking orders from people in the first place. Thank you in advance for your consideration of this matter.
Sincerely,
Art Dodger
Dear Guy In The Next Stall,
Please stop being so loud. While I realize that I certainly don't speak for everyone, having to do your business in a public restroom is a bad enough experience without having to listen to you next door re-enacting the bathroom scene from "Dumb & Dumber." Yes, it is often referred to as a bowel movement but note that your bowels shouldn't literally be moving. Do you not have a toilet at home? I'm not saying don't go but you sound like you haven't taken a crap in a week and your rotten symphony of grunts and squeals is anything but music to my ears. A little restraint is all I'm asking for. Thank you in advance for your consideration of this matter.
Sincerely,
Art Dodger
Dear Obese Consumer,
Please stop using diet soda as a means to make you appear more healthy. I applaud the fact that you likely realize that you are overweight and that you feel at least a small inkling to lose some pounds, but eating a barbeque bacon double cheeseburger coupled with a large order of fries and washing it down with a diet coke will not get you the results you desire. Diet soda is not good for you -- it's merely less bad for you than regular soda. Try ordering something like water instead. Also, it's not "ok" that you had Subway for lunch. While it's possibly true that Jared lost all of that weight eating footlong sandwiches, I highly doubt that the double meat BMT with extra mayo and cheese was the way he did it. Thank you in advance for your consideration of this matter.
Sincerely,
Art Dodger
Dear Inobservant Parent,
Please stop taking your children out in public if you don't plan on paying attention to what they are doing. While I do realize that talking on your cell phone about how great your new Mercedes drives is high on your list of priorities, me summoning up the restraint to not knock your child into the middle of next week isn't high on mine. I'm just trying to enjoy my meal and unless you want to test out just how well your family medical plan covers emergencies, a little more attention paying is in order. Additionally, if your kid does something extremely annoying in public, it's not ok just because they're a kid and they don't know any better. "Not knowing better" is not an excuse. It wouldn't keep you out of jail if you broke the law and certainly wouldn't excuse me if I broke your nose. Maybe if you got off your fat ass and exerted some discipline every now and again instead of rewarding them with candy every time they display just how much smarter they are than you things might be a little different and it might just be a little easier for me to finish my meal without facing homocide charges. Really, I'm just trying to make the world a better place for everyone. Thank you in advance for your consideration of this matter.
Sincerely,
Art Dodger
There, I think I feel a little better finally having gotten those letters out in the open. Hopefully it won't be too long before all the kinks are worked out back at the office and I can return to being forced to do humiliating things on camera as Randy tries to capture the top spot on YouTube. It's sad what you miss when you don't have it anymore.