As January continues it's snails pace to completion and the rest of
America continues to deal with it's post-holiday depression, there
isn't a whole lot going on around the P.Net campus these days.
This has left us with a lot more time to
focus on the really important things in life like our addiction to
painkillers and intense fascination with whales. But enough
talk about Rush Limbaugh. It's days like today which make me
happy that someone invented the phone because I can then use that
phone to dial my bestest pal Skip "Un-American Werewolf" Walker for
a little chat about nothing and the things that ail me.
Randy: Hello Skip Walker, my good aquaintance and Saudi Arabia's number one rap superstar! I have great news!
Skip: Please tell me that you've contracted some new, incurable disease which will shortly leave you with the inability to speak or interact with others.
Randy: No, silly. I'd like to congratulate you on being the latest inductee into my "Friend Hall Of Fame!"
Skip: You've got to be kidding me.
Randy: Not at all. I wanted a place where my true friends would be immortalized for the world to see.
Skip: And let me guess, by "latest" inductee you mean first inductee.
Randy: Well, first inductee of 2007. I did a few dry runs with some imaginary characters that I made up to be certain that the process worked like it was supposed to.
Skip: I wish that I could say that I was honored but I'd rather drive a swiss army knife clean through my wrist than be associated with you.
Randy: But wait, the fun isn't over. In addition to this silver plaque, you also get this Friendship bag chock full of neat stuff.
Skip: But this plaque is just tinfoil with writing on it and this "friendship bag" is just a ziploc baggie full of plastic army men.
Randy: I know! You just go on and keep reaping the benefits of being friends with me.
Skip: I'd like to forcefeed you these army men one by one in the hopes that you choke on the guy with the bazooka.
Randy: Hey Skip, why is it that you never just see one retard?
Skip: I'm talking to one right now.
Randy: No, no. I mean real retards. Why is it that you never see just one out by himself? You know, they're always traveling in groups and packed tightly into vans and small school buses. Do you think they herd them?
Skip: Herd them? Are you insane?
Randy: I'm serious. There is always the one non-retard and they always seem to be leading the pack. You know, like a shepard. I just think that's kind of cruel to treat them like cattle. Retards are people too, even if they look funny.
Skip: Randy, that has to be one of the most tasteless things that I think you've ever said to me.
Randy: I bet I could top it.
Skip: I'm not so sure you--
Randy: Want to buy one of my Saddam t-shirts? They're a little tight around the neck but they sure do hang well.
Skip: I stand corrected.
Randy: Skip, you know what I hate?
Skip: Common sense?
Randy: No, those "We Remember" 9/11 bumper stickers. You know, the ones with pictures of the flag on them. Sometimes they also have eagles and firemen, with the occasional picture of a fireman holding an eagle. You want to talk about tasteless!
Skip: How on earth is a 9/11 sticker tasteless?
Randy: "We remember?" Come on, that's a slap in the face to every single elderly person or alzheimers patient on the planet. They can't remember yesterday let alone 9/11.
Skip: I can't believe that I am even listening to you right now.
Randy: No wonder people hate America so much. What, with all of us and our "good memories" so blatantly mocking those who have dimished mental faculties.
Skip: Whatever substance you're on, I don't think it's legal.
Randy: And while we're talk about the backs of cars, you know what else I hate?
Skip: I can only guess.
Randy: Christians.
Skip: For the love of God!
Randy: Oh, it's not that. I have no problem with their choice of religion. It's that christians can't drive.
Skip: They what?
Randy: They can't drive. I swear, it's like that fish symbol stuck to the trunk is a merit badge for poor motor skills. Granted, Jesus didn't exactly have a stellar track record when it came to driving, so I guess it would stand to reason that his followers suck too.
Skip: What's left of your brain continues to amaze me.
Randy: Oh, that's so typical of you Mexicans.
Skip: What? You know I'm not Mexican.
Randy: Oh sure, deny it just like you deny the holocaust.
Skip: Deny -- what? What is your problem?
Randy: Oh, nothing. I just wanted to make sure that I had your atttention.
Skip: My attention? What the hell?
Randy: Yeah, I just wanted to be the first to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Skip: Uh, you're a little late. Christmas was last month.
Randy: No, for 2007. So, Merry Christmas!
Skip: Oh for the love of -- I'm going to hang up. I'm going to see if it's possible for me to disconnect my central nervous system before you can find the redial button.
Randy: Ok, Skip Walker! Have fun! I'll call you in a few days!
Randy: Hello Skip Walker, my good aquaintance and Saudi Arabia's number one rap superstar! I have great news!
Skip: Please tell me that you've contracted some new, incurable disease which will shortly leave you with the inability to speak or interact with others.
Randy: No, silly. I'd like to congratulate you on being the latest inductee into my "Friend Hall Of Fame!"
Skip: You've got to be kidding me.
Randy: Not at all. I wanted a place where my true friends would be immortalized for the world to see.
Skip: And let me guess, by "latest" inductee you mean first inductee.
Randy: Well, first inductee of 2007. I did a few dry runs with some imaginary characters that I made up to be certain that the process worked like it was supposed to.
Skip: I wish that I could say that I was honored but I'd rather drive a swiss army knife clean through my wrist than be associated with you.
Randy: But wait, the fun isn't over. In addition to this silver plaque, you also get this Friendship bag chock full of neat stuff.
Skip: But this plaque is just tinfoil with writing on it and this "friendship bag" is just a ziploc baggie full of plastic army men.
Randy: I know! You just go on and keep reaping the benefits of being friends with me.
Skip: I'd like to forcefeed you these army men one by one in the hopes that you choke on the guy with the bazooka.
|
Randy: Hey Skip, why is it that you never just see one retard?
Skip: I'm talking to one right now.
Randy: No, no. I mean real retards. Why is it that you never see just one out by himself? You know, they're always traveling in groups and packed tightly into vans and small school buses. Do you think they herd them?
Skip: Herd them? Are you insane?
Randy: I'm serious. There is always the one non-retard and they always seem to be leading the pack. You know, like a shepard. I just think that's kind of cruel to treat them like cattle. Retards are people too, even if they look funny.
Skip: Randy, that has to be one of the most tasteless things that I think you've ever said to me.
Randy: I bet I could top it.
Skip: I'm not so sure you--
Randy: Want to buy one of my Saddam t-shirts? They're a little tight around the neck but they sure do hang well.
Skip: I stand corrected.
Randy: Skip, you know what I hate?
Skip: Common sense?
Randy: No, those "We Remember" 9/11 bumper stickers. You know, the ones with pictures of the flag on them. Sometimes they also have eagles and firemen, with the occasional picture of a fireman holding an eagle. You want to talk about tasteless!
Skip: How on earth is a 9/11 sticker tasteless?
Randy: "We remember?" Come on, that's a slap in the face to every single elderly person or alzheimers patient on the planet. They can't remember yesterday let alone 9/11.
Skip: I can't believe that I am even listening to you right now.
Randy: No wonder people hate America so much. What, with all of us and our "good memories" so blatantly mocking those who have dimished mental faculties.
Skip: Whatever substance you're on, I don't think it's legal.
Randy: And while we're talk about the backs of cars, you know what else I hate?
Skip: I can only guess.
Randy: Christians.
Skip: For the love of God!
Randy: Oh, it's not that. I have no problem with their choice of religion. It's that christians can't drive.
Skip: They what?
Randy: They can't drive. I swear, it's like that fish symbol stuck to the trunk is a merit badge for poor motor skills. Granted, Jesus didn't exactly have a stellar track record when it came to driving, so I guess it would stand to reason that his followers suck too.
|
Skip: What's left of your brain continues to amaze me.
Randy: Oh, that's so typical of you Mexicans.
Skip: What? You know I'm not Mexican.
Randy: Oh sure, deny it just like you deny the holocaust.
|
Skip: Deny -- what? What is your problem?
Randy: Oh, nothing. I just wanted to make sure that I had your atttention.
Skip: My attention? What the hell?
Randy: Yeah, I just wanted to be the first to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Skip: Uh, you're a little late. Christmas was last month.
Randy: No, for 2007. So, Merry Christmas!
Skip: Oh for the love of -- I'm going to hang up. I'm going to see if it's possible for me to disconnect my central nervous system before you can find the redial button.
Randy: Ok, Skip Walker! Have fun! I'll call you in a few days!
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