As I sat down in my garage for my nightly bath, filling the old cast-iron pig trough that I use as a tub with my normal mixture of acetone and kerosine, I began to scrub myself down with brillo pads and harsh laundry detergent when I had something of an epiphany.  Actually, it was more like hot searing pain entering every pore of my flesh but scholars have been debating the meaning of epiphany for years so call it what you will.  The scene was actually quite similar to that of Doc Brown in the movie Back To The Future when he fell off his toilet and hit his head, thus causing the invention of the vaunted flux capacitor, save for the fact that I wasn't a scientist or inventor and I was merely sitting naked in my garage scrubbing myself silly.  Still, I am sure the most astute among you will have no trouble connecting the dots there.  Ok, actually, I didn't really have an epiphany but rather just wanted to trick into reading a story about me taking a bath.

Pastimes are something that almost every human on earth shares.  We are always finding new and creative ways in which to occupy our time or, in the least, to distract us from the other very important stuff that we're supposed to be doing like suffocating our grandparents with pillows so as to avoid the cost of an expensive retirement home.  In my life, I have had many a pastime; most were good, kind pastimes but quite a few wound up leaving me for someone else.  I'm not bitter -- there are plenty of pastimes to go around.  The point that I am trying to get at is that I have come upon a new pastime that I would like to share with you all: watching people try and parallel park.  Now, before you get all hot and start jumping to the conclusion that I am talking about you, I'm not.  Probably.  Unless you really suck at parallel parking then I actually am talking about you.

Don't be fooled.  As great as I am in all things, I don't consider myself even close to being an expert parallel parker, though I did watch that one movie that had Peter Parker in it but I really don't see how that is relevent here.  Regardless, I am most likely better at it than you are and that keeps my insides warm like that one time I tried to swallow fire and wound up scarring the tissue in my esophagus.  The doctor said that the effects were only temporary but every time I see someone burn a bag of popcorn, I go into a panicked frenzy and begin to masturbate furiously.  Reflexes I guess.  This has led to more than a few embarassments during movie nights with friends and family.  You'd figure that by now, we as a civilization, would be smart enough to know how to properly cook a bag of popcorn but I suppose losing one bag to a bad burn is inevitable.  That's the bag we throw into the volcano in order to appease the gods.  Hey, it ain't pretty and I don't like it but if it means sacrificing one bag for the greater good of humanity, I'm all for it and the Redenbacher family can kiss my movie theater butter ass.

Ok, so I will admit that making fun of people too stupid to know how to parallel park isn't exactly a quality pastime but it sure beats my previous pastime which was force-feeding dairy products to lactose intolerant kids.  Who doesn't love cake and ice cream?  The brat who's allergic to dairy, that's who!  Also, this one time I got all dressed up in my Batman costume (the original one, not that gothy Tim Burton Hot Topic costume) and went on the prowl for crime.  Such as my luck, there isn't much crime in the suburbs but knowing that, it begs the question: is there no crime because it's the suburbs or is there no crime because they knew that Batman was patrolling the streets?  I think that question answers itself.   Also, I had explosive diarrhea so I couldn't stay out very long.  Of course, Batman's status as "hero" is certainly up for some debate.  I mean, most heroes have trusty steeds on which they can ride mightily into battle.  Batman had no such steed.  Do you think, when they were alone, that Batman would sometimes put a saddle on Robin and ride him like a rodeo bull?  I do, because if I were in a similar situation, I would do the same thing.  Hey, even Batman needs a little R&R and if he gets his kicks by stabbing the Boy Wonder with his spurs, then so be it.  He's earned it.

You might be sitting there wondering where exactly this whole thing is going and that makes two of us!  I honestly have no idea and the drug-induced haze where this all made sense is really starting to wear off.  It's kind of like that one episode of Major Dad where Gerald McRaney caught his wife turning tricks in the barracks in order to support her heroin habit.  Ok, actually that storyline never happened but the show would have been a lot better if it had.  It probably would have led to Shanna Reed getting a lot more roles than a guest spot on 90210 and a permanent place in obscurity.   Show a little T&A next time -- it'll help your career.  I did and look where it got me!