Most of us who work in the corporate world, save for the hard-working folks who slave away in the mines at the P.Net "Concentrate on Coal" camp, are allowed some type of benefits and leeway when it comes to vacation and sick time.  For their honest efforts as a part of the workforce, such people are allowed some time off as a reward for their endless dedication or perhaps to recuperate from illness so that they may soon be fit again to join the never-ending profit machine.  Productive and happy workers mean my stock goes up.

However, it would appear that while the above might apply to everyone else in the working world -- again, excusing the coal miners and handicapped people who work in a third world country -- it seems that such rules don't actually apply to me.  You see, I have been pretty busy as of late, opting to spend my free time feeding the homeless and working as a clown at prison birthday parties instead of writing silly little jokes to entertain the public.  (Sometimes I would get clever -- or lazy -- and combine the two by feeding the homeless to the prisoners at their birthday parties.)  It would seem that you people are not content with the on, off-again style that has become the P.Net updates.  You demand constant entertainment regardless of the cost to the provider.  In that way, I am kind of like an internet vibrator, though I would request kindly that you not ask where the batteries go.  I'm still pretty sensitive about that subject.

So, like the one other time I dared to take a hiatus, I have prepared a list of all the wonderful wacky (but true!) things that I have been up to since you last heard from me.  It would seem that such mundane details fascinate your feeble minds and, in the very least, will get all of you to shut up for the immediate future.  Without further ado, let's get back in action.

During my hiatus, I...

...had intercourse with a robot and contracted jaundice.  I didn't even know that you could contract jaundice from robotic intercourse but there you have it.

...busted a move on Tuesday knowing full well that all such moves are generally reserved for a Wednesday.  I'm such a rebel.

...got lost in one of Louie Anderson's chins after I approached him after a show in Lake Tahoe and tried to give him a hug.  I only barely managed to escape with my life after forcing myself to vomit and greasing myself out of his neck fold.

...tried out being a ninja for a day and wound up cutting myself with my replica sword.  Also, I looked silly running around in public wearing black pajamas.

...believed that, for at least a minute or two, I was riding dirty.   I mean, I was really sold on the fact that I was really doing it.  As it turns out, I wasn't really riding dirty at all and thus had gotten excited over nothing.

...took a trip to Las Vegas but was unable to procure either fear or loathing.  I came home feeling cheated.

...fell into the toilet in a public restroom and found out where the cast and crew from "Full House" has been hiding all these years.  Also, Uncle Jessie tried to put some moves on me.

...teamed up with Carl Weathers and shot a direct-to-video film, the plot of which revolves around a one-handed man who befriends a donkey only to find out later that the donkey was using him because he thought he held the nuclear launch codes.  The donkey was Russian.  At the end, Carl Weathers dies from a broken heart.

...attempted to masturbate with a cheese grater and castrated myself on accident.  Thankfully, I am no worse for the wear.

...was invited to be a stand-in at a sit-down meeting.  I got confused about what exactly my role was and eventually just opted to leave.

...jumped on the bandwagon and summarily broke it.  All of the repairs wound up costing me over $6,000.  Who knew those things were so expensive?

...met George Jetson and his daughter Judy.  Actually, it's more like I met George Jetson pimping out his daughter Judy, though it certainly could have been Jane, his wife.  Elroy was up the street peddling dime bags.

...got invited to the Playboy mansion by Hugh Hefner himself and was introduced to Miss July whom Hef told me was a huge fan.  I asked her if she had any carrot cake recipes and it turns out that she did because she's a really good cook.  I wrote it on an index card and bid her a good day.

Whew, what a hiatus!  Consider your action now backed because you're back in the action or something.  Just be careful, though.  The action can be heavy and you may throw your back out.  That would be bad because you can't just go down to Walmart and buy a new back.  Trust me, I've tried.