I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that this looks awfully familiar. I know that you're thinking this because I was a part of the top secret military unit that implanted the brain chip in the back of your throat. I'm still not sure why we called it a brain chip as opposed to a throat chip given that it's situated nowhere near your brain but we didn't exactly have the marketing budget we hoped for. ' Also, I know what you're thinking because I know some people who know Santa Claus and he knows whether you've been naughty or nice which, really, is just a mere offshoot of the whole "reading your thoughts" thing. That bastard can't keep a secret to save his life.
That's right, another month has crept upon us which means that we're throwing yet another mailbag edition right smack in your face. I am normally pretty good about getting these things out at least once a month -- hey, it beats coming up with any original ideas -- but sometimes I go on benders with a few farm animals and promptly lose focus of whatever it was that I had to do. In case you're new and not knowing, these are real letters from real people who ask real questions about real things using real words with real skill. Our responses on the other hand are written by imaginary people in a fictional place with words as fake as the average breast size in Beverly Hills. So, without much more in the way of an opening statement, let's get on with the show. You folks wanted letters, you got letters!
Dear Pollestad.Net Writers,
I was pointed to your website by some friends in my church group and, while I won't argue with the ideals of free speech and people being able to say what they want, it's quite clear to any sane person that you are abusing that power. Your jokes about religion, the homeless, and people with disabilities is simply appalling, not to mention your references to national tragedies such as 9/11 and people being murdered. Have you no social decency? As a fine, upstanding Christian follower who is strong in faith, I urge you to reconsider your social responsibility and take steps to help instead of hurt.
- Mary Beth
Dearest Mary Beth,
I am simply in shock that you consider us such heathens as to have no social morals or decency whatsoever. Why, just the other day I was walking down the street and I found this hooker who was down on her luck. She wasn't particularly attractive and she looked hungry so I decided to strike up a conversation with her. It turns out she only charged $10 per session ($15 if I brought a friend). Do you know what I did? After she was finished, I gave her $15 anyway and I didn't even have a friend. I mean, come on, she wasn't even that good! And you say I have no morals. Shame on you lady!
As for cleaning up the site, I'd really like to but I am already committed to another appointment this afternoon. See, me and my friend, who just so happens to be a eunuch (another point for morality!), like to go and sit outside of the hospital. I wear a sign that says "Before" and his sign says "After (and to think, I only came in for a check-up!)". Sometimes we throw pig blood on the ground to really sell the idea. You know, not many people laugh but I'm pretty sure that they get the joke.
Hola P.Netters!
First, just wanted to say that I love the site. Huge fan and all that. I was just curious if you guys traveled around and did like seminars and stuff or like put on shows and stuff. I'm in Boston so if you guys ever come through, I would love to party it up. I bet you guys have a lot of fun!
- Jacob
Jacob,
First, I think you get bonus points because I seriously doubt anyone in their right mind would ever say the word "P.Netters" to our face. If you did, we wouldn't be held liable for the jar of acid that we just broke over your head. As for partying, whoo boy, let me tell you a tale. This one time we were over in Paris, right? Guess who shows up? Bette Midler! She's high as a kite and just loopy as all hell. She can't even remember the words to "Wind Beneath My Wings!" Anyway, she comes over with a crate full of Everclear. We're not the type to say no, so we didn't, but I don't remember the rest of the evening. Anyway, we woke up the next day with a dead giraffe in the middle of the room and half of a palm tree in the toilet. They don't have palm trees in France so I have no idea where that came from. Anyway, it turns out that we also discovered a new strain of DNA which we decided to call Jackson. Man, shit was wild that weekend. Oh, and Boston sucks.
Dear Mailman,
Help me! I know this isn't exactly your purview but you mentioned a few mailbags back that you're willing to help with any problem and I am desperate. Anyway, I'm being investigated by the FBI and I don't know what to do! I'm kind of guilty, I guess, but it was so long ago. What can I do?
- Scared
Dear Scared,
What an unusual name! I really wasn't going to write you back because you kind of lost me at "desperate." I mean, I've seen some kinky stuff on the internet and I just figured you were one of those weirdo types that was looking to have intercourse with a tiger or something. (And Steve, for the last time, no, we really have no idea where you can get a tiger!) But it was either fate or out of sheer boredom that I kept reading and to my surprise, you actually had a real problem. Well, aside from the fact that you're obviously desperate, lonely, and turning to a humor site for serious advice. Thankfully, you're in luck. It just so happens that we have plenty of experience in dealing with the FBI. Hell, I've had an open warrant since 1998, but it's on some bullshit charges about transporting controlled substances (and one child) across state lines or running over a cop with a forklift. Truthfully, I don't even remember.
Anyway, the point is that we've been ducking the law since we were old enough to crawl. Unfortunately for you, you didn't actually tell us what you did to get in trouble in the first place, only that you were probably guilty of doing it. Yeah, just like my uncle was probably guilty of touching me in my bikini area and calling it "play" time. Anyway, such as it is, we can't really give you any ironclad advice because we don't know the true nature of the situation but we will let you in on a few little facts that the FBI doesn't want you to know.
And with that, I pull the drawstring closed and yet another mailbag has come to an end. Given the enormous amount of letters that we receive on an hourly basis, it's actually a little unfair that we only do this once a month but them's the rules. Of course, since we made the rules, we could always break the rules. Who knows? Maybe the next mailbag will sneak up on you like some kind of internet Pearl Harbor, except without all the bombing and the death. People will remember though. Oh yes, they will.
That's right, another month has crept upon us which means that we're throwing yet another mailbag edition right smack in your face. I am normally pretty good about getting these things out at least once a month -- hey, it beats coming up with any original ideas -- but sometimes I go on benders with a few farm animals and promptly lose focus of whatever it was that I had to do. In case you're new and not knowing, these are real letters from real people who ask real questions about real things using real words with real skill. Our responses on the other hand are written by imaginary people in a fictional place with words as fake as the average breast size in Beverly Hills. So, without much more in the way of an opening statement, let's get on with the show. You folks wanted letters, you got letters!
Dear Pollestad.Net Writers,
I was pointed to your website by some friends in my church group and, while I won't argue with the ideals of free speech and people being able to say what they want, it's quite clear to any sane person that you are abusing that power. Your jokes about religion, the homeless, and people with disabilities is simply appalling, not to mention your references to national tragedies such as 9/11 and people being murdered. Have you no social decency? As a fine, upstanding Christian follower who is strong in faith, I urge you to reconsider your social responsibility and take steps to help instead of hurt.
- Mary Beth
Dearest Mary Beth,
I am simply in shock that you consider us such heathens as to have no social morals or decency whatsoever. Why, just the other day I was walking down the street and I found this hooker who was down on her luck. She wasn't particularly attractive and she looked hungry so I decided to strike up a conversation with her. It turns out she only charged $10 per session ($15 if I brought a friend). Do you know what I did? After she was finished, I gave her $15 anyway and I didn't even have a friend. I mean, come on, she wasn't even that good! And you say I have no morals. Shame on you lady!
As for cleaning up the site, I'd really like to but I am already committed to another appointment this afternoon. See, me and my friend, who just so happens to be a eunuch (another point for morality!), like to go and sit outside of the hospital. I wear a sign that says "Before" and his sign says "After (and to think, I only came in for a check-up!)". Sometimes we throw pig blood on the ground to really sell the idea. You know, not many people laugh but I'm pretty sure that they get the joke.
Hola P.Netters!
First, just wanted to say that I love the site. Huge fan and all that. I was just curious if you guys traveled around and did like seminars and stuff or like put on shows and stuff. I'm in Boston so if you guys ever come through, I would love to party it up. I bet you guys have a lot of fun!
- Jacob
Jacob,
First, I think you get bonus points because I seriously doubt anyone in their right mind would ever say the word "P.Netters" to our face. If you did, we wouldn't be held liable for the jar of acid that we just broke over your head. As for partying, whoo boy, let me tell you a tale. This one time we were over in Paris, right? Guess who shows up? Bette Midler! She's high as a kite and just loopy as all hell. She can't even remember the words to "Wind Beneath My Wings!" Anyway, she comes over with a crate full of Everclear. We're not the type to say no, so we didn't, but I don't remember the rest of the evening. Anyway, we woke up the next day with a dead giraffe in the middle of the room and half of a palm tree in the toilet. They don't have palm trees in France so I have no idea where that came from. Anyway, it turns out that we also discovered a new strain of DNA which we decided to call Jackson. Man, shit was wild that weekend. Oh, and Boston sucks.
Dear Mailman,
Help me! I know this isn't exactly your purview but you mentioned a few mailbags back that you're willing to help with any problem and I am desperate. Anyway, I'm being investigated by the FBI and I don't know what to do! I'm kind of guilty, I guess, but it was so long ago. What can I do?
- Scared
Dear Scared,
What an unusual name! I really wasn't going to write you back because you kind of lost me at "desperate." I mean, I've seen some kinky stuff on the internet and I just figured you were one of those weirdo types that was looking to have intercourse with a tiger or something. (And Steve, for the last time, no, we really have no idea where you can get a tiger!) But it was either fate or out of sheer boredom that I kept reading and to my surprise, you actually had a real problem. Well, aside from the fact that you're obviously desperate, lonely, and turning to a humor site for serious advice. Thankfully, you're in luck. It just so happens that we have plenty of experience in dealing with the FBI. Hell, I've had an open warrant since 1998, but it's on some bullshit charges about transporting controlled substances (and one child) across state lines or running over a cop with a forklift. Truthfully, I don't even remember.
Anyway, the point is that we've been ducking the law since we were old enough to crawl. Unfortunately for you, you didn't actually tell us what you did to get in trouble in the first place, only that you were probably guilty of doing it. Yeah, just like my uncle was probably guilty of touching me in my bikini area and calling it "play" time. Anyway, such as it is, we can't really give you any ironclad advice because we don't know the true nature of the situation but we will let you in on a few little facts that the FBI doesn't want you to know.
- They are impervious to being harmed by bullets but they are absolutely terrified of squirt guns.I hope these tips help, Scared! Best of luck to you on your quest to do illegal things and get away with it. Oh, and if you do get caught, ask the arresting agent to read you your rights over and over again. Man, that's hiliarious.
- If you feed an FBI agent after midnight, he multiplies.
- Sticks and stones may break their bones but names will never hurt them.
- The country of Kenya once tried to set up their own FBI division but failed because they were not a part of the United States and because there is no Swahili word for bureau.
- FBI agents don't talk about fight club.
And with that, I pull the drawstring closed and yet another mailbag has come to an end. Given the enormous amount of letters that we receive on an hourly basis, it's actually a little unfair that we only do this once a month but them's the rules. Of course, since we made the rules, we could always break the rules. Who knows? Maybe the next mailbag will sneak up on you like some kind of internet Pearl Harbor, except without all the bombing and the death. People will remember though. Oh yes, they will.
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