With April winding down and May right around the corner, all manner of people are abuzz here at the P.Net offices -- and it's not just because we finally fixed the crystal meth vending machine. No, the month of May holds a special place in our collective hearts because despite all the other really cool stuff that happens in May like Memorial Day and grocery shopping, it has a different meaning here at the campus. You see, May is the month when we get a new batch of interns here on campus and we get to find all kinds of really creative ways to, erm, put them to work. Of course, by "work" I really mean indentured servitude and borderline on slave labor. Add a little torture and humiliation into the mix and you've got yourself a recipie for fun!
Frankly, we get pretty bored sitting around the office all day. Sure, we take all manner of uppers in an effort to keep us going but even after taking seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, and a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, you'd be surprised at how much you still find your interest waning. It's just about all we can do to not grab a bunch of guns and go on a high school shooting spree. Thankfully, we really like kids and would never condone such an activity. Kids are meant to be cherished, loved, and thrown across the room in an effort to toughen them up for the life that lies ahead... or an internship at the P.Net Campus! We have a whole slew of activities planned in the coming month to help both us and our interns get adjusted to living a better life. Just check out the calender of events below:
May 3rd: Branch Davidian Day! Hey, we'll be the first to admit that we're pretty excited about some of those Branch Davidians being released from jail and we can think of little that would be better than to dedicate a whole day to it! On this special day, we dress the interns up in typical Branch Davidian gear and make them do bible study while we re-enact the assault on the compound in Waco, Texas. Unlike the real ATF, we only use rubber bullets so that no one actually dies, but I'll be damned if our tear gas doesn't hit home. We also use a lot of mock explosions and grenade simulators which are both guaranteed to knock the hearing right out of you. It truly is fun for the whole family! (Except you can't bring your family because they don't work here and you signed all rights away to us when you joined the company. But if you had a family, they'd probably have fun too.)
May 11th: Inanimate Object Day! Tired of moving around? Perfect! Welcome to Intern to Inanimate Object Day! As an intern, you will spend the entire day as one of a variety of inanimate objects around the campus. You might be a newspaper stand or a park bench, but if you draw the short straw, you get to be the stand-in urinal in the men's restroom. Better bring a raincoat! Other positions may include very large test tube, lawn mower, and statue. It's the most fun you'll have not moving... unless you're the urinal guy. Then you're merely getting pissed on all day, but it's all about instilling important life lessons here at the PNC.
May 19th: Islamic Appreciation Day! Grab your turbans and rifles! This one is only for the male interns, so ladies, feel free to either stay home for the day or simply camp out in my office. I have an assortment of refreshments and roofies for your dining pleasure. Since we value life and religion above all here on Campus, we wouldn't celebrate Islamic Appreciation day like most other tasteless outlets would, namely strapping a bomb to you and blowing yourself up. No, instead we prefer that you get all dolled up in your Sunday Islamic best and sit in front of a video camera all day where you will make tape after tape damning the West while slamming your first on the table in fury. One lucky intern will get to play bin Ladin while the second place winner will get to enjoy a full day as Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. We plan on sending copies of these tapes to both the CIA and the White House so you've really got to sell your role. Beheading someone is optional, though recommended for better comedic relief.
May 27th: Arts & Crafts Day! Show the world your creative side as you spend the day constructing murals of art out of used heroin needles and stale pretzels. We will also have workshops on putting together clothes using only child labor and how to keep your prostitutes looking fresh, even after a long night of work. Also on the agenda are hands-on seminars detailing such topics as managing your anger while on steroids and doing an impromptu circumcision on your neighbor.
And these are just some of the activities we have planned! Other notable events include classes on keeping your cool while driving drunk, handling ether withdrawl, and vandalism tips which won't land you in the slammer! After all, as an intern, we need you present at work every day! It's already too late to sign up for an internship this year, but if this calendar of events has intrigued you, I urge you to get your application in now for the summer of 2007. If you think this is fun, wait until we top it next year!
Frankly, we get pretty bored sitting around the office all day. Sure, we take all manner of uppers in an effort to keep us going but even after taking seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, and a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, you'd be surprised at how much you still find your interest waning. It's just about all we can do to not grab a bunch of guns and go on a high school shooting spree. Thankfully, we really like kids and would never condone such an activity. Kids are meant to be cherished, loved, and thrown across the room in an effort to toughen them up for the life that lies ahead... or an internship at the P.Net Campus! We have a whole slew of activities planned in the coming month to help both us and our interns get adjusted to living a better life. Just check out the calender of events below:
May 3rd: Branch Davidian Day! Hey, we'll be the first to admit that we're pretty excited about some of those Branch Davidians being released from jail and we can think of little that would be better than to dedicate a whole day to it! On this special day, we dress the interns up in typical Branch Davidian gear and make them do bible study while we re-enact the assault on the compound in Waco, Texas. Unlike the real ATF, we only use rubber bullets so that no one actually dies, but I'll be damned if our tear gas doesn't hit home. We also use a lot of mock explosions and grenade simulators which are both guaranteed to knock the hearing right out of you. It truly is fun for the whole family! (Except you can't bring your family because they don't work here and you signed all rights away to us when you joined the company. But if you had a family, they'd probably have fun too.)
May 11th: Inanimate Object Day! Tired of moving around? Perfect! Welcome to Intern to Inanimate Object Day! As an intern, you will spend the entire day as one of a variety of inanimate objects around the campus. You might be a newspaper stand or a park bench, but if you draw the short straw, you get to be the stand-in urinal in the men's restroom. Better bring a raincoat! Other positions may include very large test tube, lawn mower, and statue. It's the most fun you'll have not moving... unless you're the urinal guy. Then you're merely getting pissed on all day, but it's all about instilling important life lessons here at the PNC.
May 19th: Islamic Appreciation Day! Grab your turbans and rifles! This one is only for the male interns, so ladies, feel free to either stay home for the day or simply camp out in my office. I have an assortment of refreshments and roofies for your dining pleasure. Since we value life and religion above all here on Campus, we wouldn't celebrate Islamic Appreciation day like most other tasteless outlets would, namely strapping a bomb to you and blowing yourself up. No, instead we prefer that you get all dolled up in your Sunday Islamic best and sit in front of a video camera all day where you will make tape after tape damning the West while slamming your first on the table in fury. One lucky intern will get to play bin Ladin while the second place winner will get to enjoy a full day as Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. We plan on sending copies of these tapes to both the CIA and the White House so you've really got to sell your role. Beheading someone is optional, though recommended for better comedic relief.
May 27th: Arts & Crafts Day! Show the world your creative side as you spend the day constructing murals of art out of used heroin needles and stale pretzels. We will also have workshops on putting together clothes using only child labor and how to keep your prostitutes looking fresh, even after a long night of work. Also on the agenda are hands-on seminars detailing such topics as managing your anger while on steroids and doing an impromptu circumcision on your neighbor.
And these are just some of the activities we have planned! Other notable events include classes on keeping your cool while driving drunk, handling ether withdrawl, and vandalism tips which won't land you in the slammer! After all, as an intern, we need you present at work every day! It's already too late to sign up for an internship this year, but if this calendar of events has intrigued you, I urge you to get your application in now for the summer of 2007. If you think this is fun, wait until we top it next year!