Writing comedy on the internet (sometimes called "internet comedy" by laypeople and people who aren't funny), especially really, really funny comedy like I am prone to writing, has both its perks and its drawbacks. Some of these perks include hot carnal relations with all manner of supermodels and amputees (and, if I'm really lucky, an amputee supermodel) and all the free oatmeal I can eat, but trust me, it ain't all party platters and lines of cocaine. You see, when all you do is write comedy, people have a hard time taking you seriously.
Ever since I mentioned my intention to run for president in 2008, most of the major media outlets haven't stopped laughing, largely because they think that I am kidding for whatever reason. In fact, I feel that I have a very strong platform and excellent moral values which should make me a shoe-in for the next election. Finally, after an exhaustive ad campaign featuring a midget riding a donkey and yelling "Vote For Randy Because He Cares About Freaks!," some of the nation's top magazines have begun to take me a bit more seriously. They've taken to knocking on my door at all hours of the night clammoring for interviews, sometimes while I am naked and/or doing the dishes. Still, despite this, I decided to sit down with Lisa Ferelli of Time Magazine for an exclusive interview.
Time Magazine: Randy, thank you for taking the time to sit down and talk with me.
Me: No problem. I always enjoy a chance to sit down and talk with potential constituents.
Time: After your initial announcement, a lot of outlets -- Time included -- thought your campaign to be a joke. Why is that?
Me: Well, it's quite simple, really. You see, I originally announced my intention to "run for president" which most of the media took to be some sort of charity drive like "walk for diabetes" or "hands across america." It wasn't until I changed my wording to "campaigning for president" that people began to take me more seriously. All in all, it was a valuable lesson learned.
Time: And what was that?
Me: That I need to take the time be more clear and concise, because the media is comprised of a bunch of idiots.
Time: I see. And just what makes you qualified to run for president? You don't have any political experience nor family background involved in such.
Me: Lisa, I've seen every president since I was born on this earth royally fuck up their term in one way or another. If that's the criteria for being elected, I can fuck up just about anything and everything if need be. Also, I use the word 'analgesic' quite frequently.
Time: Analgesic? But thats --
Me: That's the cornerstone of my campaign. I really feel like it helps me connect with the common man. You know, to really get inside his head and help serve him better.
Time: I really don't see how that helps you be more qualified.
Me: Lisa, I spent seven years doing tours of duty with a traveling circus and another three years on top of that on television with Ron Popeil hawking bagel cutters and spray-on hair. I fail to see how that DOESN'T make me qualified.
Time: Fine. I'm interested in your platform, what you would like to accomplish should you make it into office.
Me: The position of president is way too serious in it's current state. I would bring about reform that would inject some lightheartedness into the White House and bring comedic relief to the Government as a whole.
Time: I'm not entirely sure that's a good idea.
Me: Oh, sure it is. I'd do press conferences wearing a ballon animal on my head and pull stunts like calling in fake bomb threats to the secret service or replacing the gavel of the Supreme Court with a rubber mallet. Granted, they might not find it funny at first but reform takes time. Walmart wasn't built in a day.
Time: So what you're telling me is that your whole campaign is a joke?
Me: No, it's not all fun and games. I am at least 45% business and I have the plan to prove it.
Time: Care to give some examples?
Me: Well, first I would address our poor neighborhoods and the drug problem that lies within.
Time: Oh, you mean clean up the streets and limit the flow of drugs into the communities?
Me: Limit? Hell no. I mean to bring more in!
Time: I beg your pardon?
Me: It's all quite elementary. Sure, everyone likes to focus on the negative aspects of drugs, and while I admit that they are there, I prefer to look on the brighter, more positive side of things.
Time: Such as?
Me: Such as, think of the children. So many of our nations poor children would love nothing more than to be able to help provide for their stuggling families. Unfortunately, due to bullshit legislation like drug restrictions and child labor laws, these children are unable to attain gainful employment. Drugs solves this while at the same time teaching them valuable survival skills that'll come in handy later on in life. Additionally, if drugs were legal, you wouldn't have to travel all the way across town in order to get "the good shit." Think of all the gas money you'd save! If drugs were legal, imagine the kinds of sales we'd really have on the day after Thanksgiving.
Time: That's an interesting method of boosting the economy.
Me: And I wouldn't stop there. By legalizing the use of hand lotion, I'd make it a priority to stamp out the rampant spread of dry skin in America.
Time: But lotion is already legal. In fact, I don't think that it was ever illegal.
Me: Well then, you can chalk that up as yet another success of my campaign. See? I'm not even in office yet and I am already making a difference where it matters most.
Time: I have to admit that while my gut instinct tells me to simply call you stupid and run away, there is something about what you've said that does intrigue me.
Me: I have that effect on people. And zebras.
Time: Do you have any idea who you plan to use as your running mate?
Me: At this time, I have made no firm decisions. However, I am seriously considering named Mike Jones as my campaign partner.
Time: Who?
Me: Mike Jones! Jones! Either that or maybe Madonna. She's second on my list. And I plan on giving everyone who votes for me a free Dale Earnhardt collectible Christmas train from the Bradford Exchange.
Time: I have to admit that that does sound enticing.
Me: I think politics could use a good shake up right now. I like to think that I am on the cutting egde of commonsenseism.
Time: I don't think that's a word.
Me: It will be when I become president.
Time: Ok, well, that's just about all the time that we have for the interview. Randy, again I thank you for sitting down and chatting with us. It has been most enlightening.
Me: Thank you, Lisa. I am constantly formulating new strategies and reforms to help enhance my campaign and bring about change to the nation.
Time: We'll be sure to check back in with you from time to time and see how everything is going.
Me: Lisa, can I have your phone number?
Time: I don't really -- that's not quite appropriate.
Me: Oh, sorry. You're not going to print this part are you?
Time: No. I think it's better for everyone if we don't.
Me: Agreed. So, uh, I guess this is good bye then.
Time: Yeah, I guess so.
Me: Can I see you again?
Time: Christ, that's it. I'm out of here.
Me: Oh yeah, she wants me... for PRESIDENT!
Ever since I mentioned my intention to run for president in 2008, most of the major media outlets haven't stopped laughing, largely because they think that I am kidding for whatever reason. In fact, I feel that I have a very strong platform and excellent moral values which should make me a shoe-in for the next election. Finally, after an exhaustive ad campaign featuring a midget riding a donkey and yelling "Vote For Randy Because He Cares About Freaks!," some of the nation's top magazines have begun to take me a bit more seriously. They've taken to knocking on my door at all hours of the night clammoring for interviews, sometimes while I am naked and/or doing the dishes. Still, despite this, I decided to sit down with Lisa Ferelli of Time Magazine for an exclusive interview.
Time Magazine: Randy, thank you for taking the time to sit down and talk with me.
Me: No problem. I always enjoy a chance to sit down and talk with potential constituents.
Time: After your initial announcement, a lot of outlets -- Time included -- thought your campaign to be a joke. Why is that?
Me: Well, it's quite simple, really. You see, I originally announced my intention to "run for president" which most of the media took to be some sort of charity drive like "walk for diabetes" or "hands across america." It wasn't until I changed my wording to "campaigning for president" that people began to take me more seriously. All in all, it was a valuable lesson learned.
Time: And what was that?
Me: That I need to take the time be more clear and concise, because the media is comprised of a bunch of idiots.
Time: I see. And just what makes you qualified to run for president? You don't have any political experience nor family background involved in such.
Me: Lisa, I've seen every president since I was born on this earth royally fuck up their term in one way or another. If that's the criteria for being elected, I can fuck up just about anything and everything if need be. Also, I use the word 'analgesic' quite frequently.
Time: Analgesic? But thats --
Me: That's the cornerstone of my campaign. I really feel like it helps me connect with the common man. You know, to really get inside his head and help serve him better.
Time: I really don't see how that helps you be more qualified.
Me: Lisa, I spent seven years doing tours of duty with a traveling circus and another three years on top of that on television with Ron Popeil hawking bagel cutters and spray-on hair. I fail to see how that DOESN'T make me qualified.
Time: Fine. I'm interested in your platform, what you would like to accomplish should you make it into office.
Me: The position of president is way too serious in it's current state. I would bring about reform that would inject some lightheartedness into the White House and bring comedic relief to the Government as a whole.
Time: I'm not entirely sure that's a good idea.
Me: Oh, sure it is. I'd do press conferences wearing a ballon animal on my head and pull stunts like calling in fake bomb threats to the secret service or replacing the gavel of the Supreme Court with a rubber mallet. Granted, they might not find it funny at first but reform takes time. Walmart wasn't built in a day.
Time: So what you're telling me is that your whole campaign is a joke?
Me: No, it's not all fun and games. I am at least 45% business and I have the plan to prove it.
Time: Care to give some examples?
Me: Well, first I would address our poor neighborhoods and the drug problem that lies within.
Time: Oh, you mean clean up the streets and limit the flow of drugs into the communities?
Me: Limit? Hell no. I mean to bring more in!
Time: I beg your pardon?
Me: It's all quite elementary. Sure, everyone likes to focus on the negative aspects of drugs, and while I admit that they are there, I prefer to look on the brighter, more positive side of things.
Time: Such as?
Me: Such as, think of the children. So many of our nations poor children would love nothing more than to be able to help provide for their stuggling families. Unfortunately, due to bullshit legislation like drug restrictions and child labor laws, these children are unable to attain gainful employment. Drugs solves this while at the same time teaching them valuable survival skills that'll come in handy later on in life. Additionally, if drugs were legal, you wouldn't have to travel all the way across town in order to get "the good shit." Think of all the gas money you'd save! If drugs were legal, imagine the kinds of sales we'd really have on the day after Thanksgiving.
Time: That's an interesting method of boosting the economy.
Me: And I wouldn't stop there. By legalizing the use of hand lotion, I'd make it a priority to stamp out the rampant spread of dry skin in America.
Time: But lotion is already legal. In fact, I don't think that it was ever illegal.
Me: Well then, you can chalk that up as yet another success of my campaign. See? I'm not even in office yet and I am already making a difference where it matters most.
Time: I have to admit that while my gut instinct tells me to simply call you stupid and run away, there is something about what you've said that does intrigue me.
Me: I have that effect on people. And zebras.
Time: Do you have any idea who you plan to use as your running mate?
Me: At this time, I have made no firm decisions. However, I am seriously considering named Mike Jones as my campaign partner.
Time: Who?
Me: Mike Jones! Jones! Either that or maybe Madonna. She's second on my list. And I plan on giving everyone who votes for me a free Dale Earnhardt collectible Christmas train from the Bradford Exchange.
Time: I have to admit that that does sound enticing.
Me: I think politics could use a good shake up right now. I like to think that I am on the cutting egde of commonsenseism.
Time: I don't think that's a word.
Me: It will be when I become president.
Time: Ok, well, that's just about all the time that we have for the interview. Randy, again I thank you for sitting down and chatting with us. It has been most enlightening.
Me: Thank you, Lisa. I am constantly formulating new strategies and reforms to help enhance my campaign and bring about change to the nation.
Time: We'll be sure to check back in with you from time to time and see how everything is going.
Me: Lisa, can I have your phone number?
Time: I don't really -- that's not quite appropriate.
Me: Oh, sorry. You're not going to print this part are you?
Time: No. I think it's better for everyone if we don't.
Me: Agreed. So, uh, I guess this is good bye then.
Time: Yeah, I guess so.
Me: Can I see you again?
Time: Christ, that's it. I'm out of here.
Me: Oh yeah, she wants me... for PRESIDENT!