I had a very special update planned for today, like always, because I am a very hard working, dedicated professional who really cares about his audience. I especially care if I think that writing such updates will being me fame, fortune, and a little nooky on the side. Unfortunately, I continually strike out on all three. However, if dogs have taught me anything, besides, of course, their eternal love of peanut butter no matter where it's spread, it's that you've got to keep trying no matter how bleak things may seem. Of course, I have no idea what any of this has to do with the update that I had planned for today and why what you're reading isn't it.
Truth be told, I'm feeling just a little too random today to put out anything with a coherent theme. Really, I'd be doing myself an injustice by trying to put out something with a discernable pattern. And there isn't much on this planet that's worse than doing yourself an injustice. Except maybe Malt-o-meal or finding out that your dog is gay. You don't want to look at him differently, but you do, and you hide your shame by drinking out of a flask for the rest of your life. Or you beat your children. You know, whatever helps you to cope. I prefer to swim in a large bowl of fiber. I don't know why people get so worked up over moral fiber. Honestly, I prefer my fiber to be a bit on the unruly side. Adds a bit of spice to things.
Everything can be had for a price, especially small boys in Thailand. However, I think the secret is out because the prices are skyrocketing. Thankfully, I got in on the ground floor. I spent most of the day today standing in front of the mirror and really trying to undress myself with my eyes. Didn't work. Maybe there is a trick to it that I don't know about, like looking at those damn 3d pictures that have images inside them. I think that whole thing was just a hoax, which is why they don't sell them anymore. Someone finally got hip to the fact that people were just making shit up and not really seeing anything and the scammers packed up and left. Religion is a lot like those pictures.
I have one goal for this year, lofty though it may be. That goal is to make tap dancing manly again. Think of all the gangsters and thieves we could get off the streets if only they had some sort of place where they could tap dance in peace, without fear of being mocked or rolled in butter and beaten. Also, to all of the moms out there, please stop naming your kids after cars. That namespace is reserved solely for strippers and you're giving us false hope when you name your daughter Lexus. While I'll admit that she does have a wide body, last I checked, she didn't have four doors or a sunroof. But maybe I just didn't check thoroughly enough. You know, if you look up thoroughly in the dictionary, it says that it is a variant of through. That's why I hate the english language.
I'm going to bring back the barter system. Set prices are so passe. Next time I am in Von's, I plan on haggling over the price of bottled water. The real kicker, after I whittle the store clerk down to an agreeable price, will be when I try to pay in clams and beaver hides. Oh yeah, and I am overdosing on fun. In fact, I think if you were to cut me right now, I would simply ooze fun. Sometimes, when I am running low, I have a fun transplant and it helps me to energize all over again. Be careful, I may just energize all over you! I'm standing on top of the world right now. Breath deep and, like a porn star, just try to take it all in. The world is getting ready to pass you by and you're just sitting there slack-jawed, drooling like an idiot. An idiot savant perhaps, but an idiot nonetheless.
I've been covertly working on a new recipe for peanut butter but I'm not quite ready to go public with it yet. Doesn't it ever amaze anyone how I can sit here and write so much about absolutely nothing? Imagine what I could do if I had a little direction! I tried typing in "writing" to Mapquest and it came up with no results so I guess I am just out of luck. I thought about starting to wear adult diapers. I don't need them -- I'm just lazy. I wonder what the cut-off age for those things are? I never looked at the box but I wonder if it says "For Ages 50 & Up" on it. Probably not. I'm sure Depends likes being able to cater to the baby fetish people. I don't cater to anyone, except for those people who enjoy me throwing up on them. Or if you're a P.Net fan. If that's the case, I'm down to oblige you in anything. ANYTHING. Holla!
Truth be told, I'm feeling just a little too random today to put out anything with a coherent theme. Really, I'd be doing myself an injustice by trying to put out something with a discernable pattern. And there isn't much on this planet that's worse than doing yourself an injustice. Except maybe Malt-o-meal or finding out that your dog is gay. You don't want to look at him differently, but you do, and you hide your shame by drinking out of a flask for the rest of your life. Or you beat your children. You know, whatever helps you to cope. I prefer to swim in a large bowl of fiber. I don't know why people get so worked up over moral fiber. Honestly, I prefer my fiber to be a bit on the unruly side. Adds a bit of spice to things.
Everything can be had for a price, especially small boys in Thailand. However, I think the secret is out because the prices are skyrocketing. Thankfully, I got in on the ground floor. I spent most of the day today standing in front of the mirror and really trying to undress myself with my eyes. Didn't work. Maybe there is a trick to it that I don't know about, like looking at those damn 3d pictures that have images inside them. I think that whole thing was just a hoax, which is why they don't sell them anymore. Someone finally got hip to the fact that people were just making shit up and not really seeing anything and the scammers packed up and left. Religion is a lot like those pictures.
I have one goal for this year, lofty though it may be. That goal is to make tap dancing manly again. Think of all the gangsters and thieves we could get off the streets if only they had some sort of place where they could tap dance in peace, without fear of being mocked or rolled in butter and beaten. Also, to all of the moms out there, please stop naming your kids after cars. That namespace is reserved solely for strippers and you're giving us false hope when you name your daughter Lexus. While I'll admit that she does have a wide body, last I checked, she didn't have four doors or a sunroof. But maybe I just didn't check thoroughly enough. You know, if you look up thoroughly in the dictionary, it says that it is a variant of through. That's why I hate the english language.
I'm going to bring back the barter system. Set prices are so passe. Next time I am in Von's, I plan on haggling over the price of bottled water. The real kicker, after I whittle the store clerk down to an agreeable price, will be when I try to pay in clams and beaver hides. Oh yeah, and I am overdosing on fun. In fact, I think if you were to cut me right now, I would simply ooze fun. Sometimes, when I am running low, I have a fun transplant and it helps me to energize all over again. Be careful, I may just energize all over you! I'm standing on top of the world right now. Breath deep and, like a porn star, just try to take it all in. The world is getting ready to pass you by and you're just sitting there slack-jawed, drooling like an idiot. An idiot savant perhaps, but an idiot nonetheless.
I've been covertly working on a new recipe for peanut butter but I'm not quite ready to go public with it yet. Doesn't it ever amaze anyone how I can sit here and write so much about absolutely nothing? Imagine what I could do if I had a little direction! I tried typing in "writing" to Mapquest and it came up with no results so I guess I am just out of luck. I thought about starting to wear adult diapers. I don't need them -- I'm just lazy. I wonder what the cut-off age for those things are? I never looked at the box but I wonder if it says "For Ages 50 & Up" on it. Probably not. I'm sure Depends likes being able to cater to the baby fetish people. I don't cater to anyone, except for those people who enjoy me throwing up on them. Or if you're a P.Net fan. If that's the case, I'm down to oblige you in anything. ANYTHING. Holla!
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