Hello Employee #15294!
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and important company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your fourth visit to the Information Center. Welcome back.
Please be aware that due to an internal error, approximately one full years worth of memos were lost after Diebold came in and tampered with our machines. We apologize for the inconvenience. We will start off this session with the latest available memo.
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation in both understanding and complying with these matters.
Memo #634, 07-27-2006: Management has recently been informed of a number of reports about a covert group operating throughout the break rooms on the fourth floor of building C. These individuals have been attributed to at least three seperate thefts of Hot Pockets brand Hot Pocket snack foods and scrawling the words "Hot Pockets Want To Be Free" in tomato sauce along a number of walls. We would like remind all employees that the illegal liberation of enslaved foods is strictly against company policy and will not be tolerated.
Memo #635, 07-29-2006: To make up for the fact that we completely forgot Black History month, we're putting together a new urban committee that is tasked with helping to educate and enrich our workforce by utilizing various tools and techniques such as rap music, boomboxes, and a combination of the two. The "Ride or Die" committee will meet once a week in the basement of the Sciences building.
Memo #636, 08-02-2006: We are very sad to report that Ed from the 9th floor Accounting was found dead in his office, apparently the victim of a freak dart accident. Reports vary but it appears that there was a number of staff members throwing darts at Ed and despite the heavy drinking, one of them actually managed to connect, burying a dart in Ed's forehead. We would like to take this opportunity to remind all employees that horsing around on company time can have deadly consequences to those who participate. Ed's family has been notified that we are having pork chops in the company cafeteria for lunch today.
Memo #637, 08-05-2006: The senior staff would like to take a minute and thank all of the employees who participated in PNC's "Bring Your Handgun To Work" day, as part of our recommittal to appeasing the urban crowd. This year turned out to be an overwhelming success with only three fatalities, which is down from twelve last year! Great work!
Memo #638, 08-07-2006: Reports are still coming in concerning the overt theft of food from various break rooms. The assailants are still unknown at this time and are simply becoming more daring and brazen with each attempt. Members of the security staff have been alerted and are keeping a close watch on building C. We would like to remind all employees that until this thing blows over, it is suggested that you simply go out and pick something up for lunch instead of bringing new food into the building. If you do have to bring something in, bring something healthy like tofu. No one ever steals tofu.
Memo #639, 08-10-2006: There have been a number of employees who have expressed deep concern over Sarah Jefferson from Engineering. Reports include her standing on her head while yelling at passerbys and eating an inordinate amount of snack cakes. We would like to take this time to point out that upper management feels that she is doing the Lord's work and is thus granted sanction. It is advised to all employees to leave her alone or face eternal damnation. Being burned alive is also a possible outcome.
Memo #640, 08-12-2006: Due to a number of unforeseen incidents, we would like to revert on a previous policy and point out that as of today, employees are no longer encouraged to "ghost ride" their whips. In addition, employees are hereby forbidden to ghost ride anything including their desks, their responsibilities, and other fellow employees. Failure to comply with this may result in management "ghost riding" you getting fired. We appreciate your cooperation in this matter.
Memo #641, 08-14-2006: Today is dress like a garbage man day!
Memo #642, 08-15-2006: Excellent news! The new mini-golf and go kart course is up and operational in building G of sector 3. Unfortunately, due to a mix-up in communications, a large moat has been erected around the outside of the building and is filled with deadly piranas and poisonous eels. While we admit to advertising it as being fun for the whole family, we highly recommend that you do not take your family anywhere near this place. Should any harm come to either you or your fmaily, please deposit remains in any of the specially marked containers around the campus for proper disposal. Please note that the corporate health plan doesn't cover moat-related accidents.
Memo #643, 08-17-2006: Upper management is proud to announce that we have a very special visitor coming to the facility tomorrow. Tom Johnson from D.A.R.E. will be speaking in the company auditorium at noon tomorrow for approximately one hour. We kindly request to any employees that choose to attend not to laugh or snicker every time Mr. Johnson tells you to stay off drugs. We also request to any members of the legal department who wish to attend not to try and steal whatever samples Mr. Johnson brings with him. We're trying to fulfill some community service requirements here, people.
Memo #644, 08-19-2006: Dan from 5th floor Sales in Building B has the following announcement to make: "To all employees, a number of requests have been sent my way concerning a certain "Jill" from a certain "Accounting" office. I would like to let everyone know, so that we can finally put the issue to rest, that the carpet does indeed match the drapes. Thank you."
Memo #645, 08-20-2006: It's official! Bob from the IT Services department located in building C-9 has finally eaten so much junk food and soda that he can no longer fit through the door of his office. Despite his pleas for help and requests for a power saw to cut through the wall, management has decided that by leaving him in his office and occasionally sliding trays of candy through the door, we can increase the productivity in his department by close to 50%. Some members of research feel that if we also up his soda intake, we might be able to stretch that figure to at least 57%. On-site medical staff says that he should be able to continue like this for at least another three years before his health begins to fail. We plan on cutting off his benefits before then.
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information.
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and important company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your fourth visit to the Information Center. Welcome back.
Please be aware that due to an internal error, approximately one full years worth of memos were lost after Diebold came in and tampered with our machines. We apologize for the inconvenience. We will start off this session with the latest available memo.
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation in both understanding and complying with these matters.
Memo #634, 07-27-2006: Management has recently been informed of a number of reports about a covert group operating throughout the break rooms on the fourth floor of building C. These individuals have been attributed to at least three seperate thefts of Hot Pockets brand Hot Pocket snack foods and scrawling the words "Hot Pockets Want To Be Free" in tomato sauce along a number of walls. We would like remind all employees that the illegal liberation of enslaved foods is strictly against company policy and will not be tolerated.
Memo #635, 07-29-2006: To make up for the fact that we completely forgot Black History month, we're putting together a new urban committee that is tasked with helping to educate and enrich our workforce by utilizing various tools and techniques such as rap music, boomboxes, and a combination of the two. The "Ride or Die" committee will meet once a week in the basement of the Sciences building.
Memo #636, 08-02-2006: We are very sad to report that Ed from the 9th floor Accounting was found dead in his office, apparently the victim of a freak dart accident. Reports vary but it appears that there was a number of staff members throwing darts at Ed and despite the heavy drinking, one of them actually managed to connect, burying a dart in Ed's forehead. We would like to take this opportunity to remind all employees that horsing around on company time can have deadly consequences to those who participate. Ed's family has been notified that we are having pork chops in the company cafeteria for lunch today.
Memo #637, 08-05-2006: The senior staff would like to take a minute and thank all of the employees who participated in PNC's "Bring Your Handgun To Work" day, as part of our recommittal to appeasing the urban crowd. This year turned out to be an overwhelming success with only three fatalities, which is down from twelve last year! Great work!
Memo #638, 08-07-2006: Reports are still coming in concerning the overt theft of food from various break rooms. The assailants are still unknown at this time and are simply becoming more daring and brazen with each attempt. Members of the security staff have been alerted and are keeping a close watch on building C. We would like to remind all employees that until this thing blows over, it is suggested that you simply go out and pick something up for lunch instead of bringing new food into the building. If you do have to bring something in, bring something healthy like tofu. No one ever steals tofu.
Memo #639, 08-10-2006: There have been a number of employees who have expressed deep concern over Sarah Jefferson from Engineering. Reports include her standing on her head while yelling at passerbys and eating an inordinate amount of snack cakes. We would like to take this time to point out that upper management feels that she is doing the Lord's work and is thus granted sanction. It is advised to all employees to leave her alone or face eternal damnation. Being burned alive is also a possible outcome.
Memo #640, 08-12-2006: Due to a number of unforeseen incidents, we would like to revert on a previous policy and point out that as of today, employees are no longer encouraged to "ghost ride" their whips. In addition, employees are hereby forbidden to ghost ride anything including their desks, their responsibilities, and other fellow employees. Failure to comply with this may result in management "ghost riding" you getting fired. We appreciate your cooperation in this matter.
Memo #641, 08-14-2006: Today is dress like a garbage man day!
Memo #642, 08-15-2006: Excellent news! The new mini-golf and go kart course is up and operational in building G of sector 3. Unfortunately, due to a mix-up in communications, a large moat has been erected around the outside of the building and is filled with deadly piranas and poisonous eels. While we admit to advertising it as being fun for the whole family, we highly recommend that you do not take your family anywhere near this place. Should any harm come to either you or your fmaily, please deposit remains in any of the specially marked containers around the campus for proper disposal. Please note that the corporate health plan doesn't cover moat-related accidents.
Memo #643, 08-17-2006: Upper management is proud to announce that we have a very special visitor coming to the facility tomorrow. Tom Johnson from D.A.R.E. will be speaking in the company auditorium at noon tomorrow for approximately one hour. We kindly request to any employees that choose to attend not to laugh or snicker every time Mr. Johnson tells you to stay off drugs. We also request to any members of the legal department who wish to attend not to try and steal whatever samples Mr. Johnson brings with him. We're trying to fulfill some community service requirements here, people.
Memo #644, 08-19-2006: Dan from 5th floor Sales in Building B has the following announcement to make: "To all employees, a number of requests have been sent my way concerning a certain "Jill" from a certain "Accounting" office. I would like to let everyone know, so that we can finally put the issue to rest, that the carpet does indeed match the drapes. Thank you."
Memo #645, 08-20-2006: It's official! Bob from the IT Services department located in building C-9 has finally eaten so much junk food and soda that he can no longer fit through the door of his office. Despite his pleas for help and requests for a power saw to cut through the wall, management has decided that by leaving him in his office and occasionally sliding trays of candy through the door, we can increase the productivity in his department by close to 50%. Some members of research feel that if we also up his soda intake, we might be able to stretch that figure to at least 57%. On-site medical staff says that he should be able to continue like this for at least another three years before his health begins to fail. We plan on cutting off his benefits before then.
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information.