Having been posted on this Earth for some 27 years -- and some time before that as I resided in the belly of a whale -- I'm pretty much a professional when it comes to living.  In fact, some might even consider me an expert in the field.  So much so, of course, that I am frequently approached on the street by homeless people and retarded children asking me for all kinds of sage advice.  I find this weird because I know nothing about sage and would have no idea what kind of advice I would give to someone looking for sage.  Maybe you can find it at K Mart.  I seriously wouldn't know.  Still, that doesn't stop them.

Normally I am not one to share any of the secrets of my success.  In fact, I hoard them like a fat man and candy bars, regardless of whether you haven't eaten in days and it's Halloween.  But, just for you, paying members of the P.Net fan club, I have decided to buck the trend and go against the grain.  I have no idea what either of those phrases mean, so I am actually going to go out on a limb instead and share with you some of the tips and tricks to living a long healthy life.  In fact, some of these secrets are so well guarded that they have been handed down in secret societies and other shady organizations (like the Girl Scouts) for generations without becoming public knowledge.  Wars have been fought and countries have fallen for this kind of information but you, you get it for free, for the mere price of a chunk of your sanity and your continued support of my offshore efforts to bring Pee Wee Herman back to prime time television.

So, in order to help you make it through life without getting beaten, robbed, molested, diagnosed, treated, whipped, enslaved, terroized, or having salt put in your game, here are some guidelines to doing it unscathed:

• If you're traveling in a car and you find yourself getting caught running a red light, make sure that you do it with no pants on.  The comic relief factor alone will make the cop feel better about himself and he'll likely let you go with just a warning.  If he doesn't, he is obviously a communist and it's ok to spit in his face.
  
  
• Car care and maintenance are myths.  Should a problem arise with your car, it's a known fact that by simply ignoring the problem, the problem will eventually correct itself.
  
  
• Should you find yourself at a party where you have just crapped your pants, make sure that you have a roll of Mentos ready.  Scientific evidence has shown that Mentos makes any situation tolerable, if not comedic.
  
  
• Should you find yourself or your town in the middle of a zombie invasion, don't panic.  Try having a conversation with them.  Chances are that they are simply lonely and looking for someone to discourse with them at length.
  
  
• Prayer never helped anybody.
  
  
• Cheetos and Corona don't go well together.  In fact, should you ever mix the two, the earth's core will collapse on itself and demonic cats will enslave all of humanity.  However, Doritos and Corona get along just fine.
  
  
• Drugging your children (or anyone else's for that matter) is perfectly ok provided that they have been disobedient or you just plain don't like them.  The little bastards probably deserve it anyway.
  
  
• Kissing someone while in Uruguay is illegal unless they're related to you.  If you plan on traveling to Uruguay, plan on packing your sister as carry-on luggage.  Failure to comply with this local custom is grounds for punishment which involves taunting you until you cry and giving you no less than 30 consecutive charlie horses.
  
  
• Things are cheaper when you steal them.  Poor people learned this a long time ago but it has yet to catch on in the more cultured of our societies.
  
  
• If the can of the beverage you are drinking has a slogan printed on it, you are obligated by world law to obey and fulfill that slogan.  For example, if you are drinking a Monster energy drink, you can be both arrested and fined if you do not successfully "unleash the beast" before finishing your drink.
  
  
• If someone says that they are "heaven sent" they are probably lying.  Heaven is a myth that was created to scare small children into not contracting herpes from dead buffalo.
  
  
• Scientific studies have proven that milkshakes do in fact bring all of the boys to the yard.  However, if you do not charge, overcrowding can become a problem.
  
  
• If you have an itch that you can't scratch, keep trying.  You'll get it eventually.  However, if you have a monkey on your back or if you're jonesing, itching will not help at all and is not a recommended treatment.
  
  
• You are not allowed to own a poodle if you have children.  It is a known fact that poodles have an extreme penchant for ripping out the throats of small, defenseless children.  This sad fact has remained hidden to the public through an extreme government conspiracy involving a media blackout and pictures of clowns in funny situations.
  

While I have many more tips and tricks for surviving life, I want to be very careful so as not overwhelm you with new information.  I understand that this can be a lot to take in at first glance but no one ever said that living life was easy.  So, take some time and soak up this first round of knowledge and feel free to let me know when you're ready for another dose.  Until then, happy living.