Bob: Hello and welcome, sports fans! My name is Bob McGregor and I am here with my partner Jim Miller. Holy fever is sweeping the land and we have some exciting championship basketball action in store for you today.
Jim: That's right, Bob. Whittled down from the sweet sixteen, we finally arrive at the coveted final four showdown. We've seen some amazing action thus far and if the past games are any indication, this is going to be one hell of a championship match.
Bob: Lined up for todays games are Christianity versus Islam and the impressive Mormon team versus a very talented Scientology group. All of the teams stack up well against one another and it's hard to determine which team, if any, will have the upper hand. We've got simultaneous action this afternoon so we'll be covering both games as they happen. How about a rundown of the teams, Jim?
Jim: Christianity is looking strong, as usual. The team received a presidental grant and the 12 Apostles (as they call their team) is looking better than ever. Look for an explosive match with the Islamic team who is coming in as the number two seed in the tournament. I talked with the Islamic coach before the game and he mentioned that he's recently perfected the team's "747 offense" which he plans to use to strike down the infidels. That looks to be a real battle, Bob. On the other hand, we have a suprise entry in the Scientology team, who advanced through the tournament after the Buddhist team was disqualified for being a no-show.
Bob: Word has it that they were traveling on the wrong plane... of existence!
Jim: You can be such a tool sometimes, Bob. Rounding out the final four is the Mormon team, attired in their white collared shirts and black ties. Man, that's gotta be uncomfortable to play in. Look for a suprising performance between the third and fourth seeds. It'll be interesting to see if the Scientology underdogs can pull out a win when no one expects them to.
Bob: On the line today is the coveted golden Trophy of God and eternal bragging rights in the afterlife.
Jim: No graven images, indeed!
Bob: It looks like the teams are taking the floor and the action is about to begin. I see Scientology is sticking with a cryogenically-frozen L. Ron Hubbard in the coach's chair.
Jim: Yeah, he's not much of a talker but thankfully he wrote down all of his game plans 30 years ago. Outdated as they are, it's gotten the Scientology team this far. Surveying the court, it looks like the Mormon players are trying to play with too many men on the court!
Bob: That's what happens when you don't use birth control! It looks like the referee is having words with Coach Joseph Smith and trying to get things settled and underway.
Jim: Coach Smith needs to be careful lest he get his team penalized before the game even starts.
Bob: On the other court, the Islamic team is finishing their warm-ups and getting ready for action. An interesting fact: the Islamic team really cut down their team costs by ordering jerseys with the name "Mohammed" already stitched into the back. Oddly enough, this configuration worked for 9/10th of the team.
Bob: Team Christianity is also getting ready to go, though they are currently in the "halo huddle" as they like to call their pre-game peptalk. I notice an accute lack of black players on the Christian team, Jim. Certainly an oddity in the sports world today.
Jim: Well Bob, it's a known fact that true Christian believers hate minorities so that shouldn't come as much of a surprise. Of course, they also hate gays, abortions, and the color blue. Can you feel the love in the arena tonight?
Bob: No, but I felt the love when I slept with your wife last night!
Jim: Haha, who hasn't these days? Also, she has herpes. Enjoy.
Bob: Word down from courtside is that Jesus is in attendance this afternoon, wearing a very stylish bible belt.
Jim: And there's the tip off! We're underway folks. It's going to be a knock-down, drag out, fun-filled afternoon in a winner takes all battle to see who really reigns supreme.
Bob: I see that the Scientology team is starting out in their coveted "e-meter defense", which can be pretty damn confusing to anyone who isn't a Scientologist and/or crazy. It'll be interesting to see how the Mormon "missionary" offense stacks up.
Jim: The collar-and-tie crew have taken an early 15-5 lead, probably through the help of those magic glasses they're all wearing.
Bob: In the other game, the Christianity team has so far dominated the struggling Islamic offense with their hand of God defensive style.
Jim: Oh my! Did you see that? Team Islam with the suicide squeeze play to pull ahead by two points. That was the bomb! Literally! Team Islam has detonated one of their players and took out half of the defense!
Bob: I tell you, I felt that slam dunk all the way up here, Jim.
Jim: Team Christianity is back on the offensive again, and, wow, he really nailed that 3-pointer.
Bob: Christians have a lot of experience nailing things, Jim.
Jim: Oh Bob, you're about as clever as a castrated monkey. Team Islam is really struggling to keep up on the defensive end. We've all heard a lot of talk about their "jihad" defensive-style, but it simply doesn't look like it's any match for the Christian onslaught.
Bob: Checking in on the other court, Scientology has pulled back into the match and tying the game at 30-30. That's truly dianetic!
Jim: I've heard that both John Travolta and Tom Cruise are in attendance for today's game. We can probably expect a lot of yelling and dancing at halftime!
Bob: Speaking of, it looks like end of the half for both games. The score currently stands with Islam barely in the lead over the Christ followers by a score of 36-34 and the Mormons neck and neck with the Hubbard Crazies with a score of 40-39.
Jim: It's been an exciting half of basketball for sure. For halftime entertainment, we have Mariah Carey to perform her rendition of "Cum Bah Yah." This should truly be exciting.
Bob: What's this? It appears that the Islamic fans are throwing stones at poor Mariah! It would seem that they don't agree with a woman singing in public! Ow, that has to hurt!
Jim: And look, the Mormon fans are valiantly trying to protect her. It would seem that someone is looking to pick up another wife!
Bob: It would seem that the Christian fans are also getting into the mix. There appears to be a lot of name calling amd finger wagging at this point. We're about two seconds away from an all-out riot in here.
Jim: All we're waiting on is the three Scientology fans to start throwing some punches and we'll have all the representatives in this religious throwdown.
Bob: Oh my, is it Sunday already? There is quite the party going on in the house of God right now!
Jim: From the looks of things, fans are spilling into the court and someone's bound to get hurt! I doubt we'll see another half of actual basketball action.
Bob: I agree. Holy war or no, I don't think that any of the teams will be allowed back on the court. Such a shame too, since we saw some very good action during the first half.
Jim: So, another year passes and again the Trophy of God goes unclaimed. Who will be the victor next year?
Bob: I'm not sure, Jim, but if today taught us anything, it's that when it comes to religion, we're all losers. Strcitly concerning religious basketball, of course.
Jim: Well, so long folks. This is Jim and Bob signing off from Noah's Ark Stadium. Join us next year when these teams will meet again and battle for the right to claim heaven as their own.
Jim: That's right, Bob. Whittled down from the sweet sixteen, we finally arrive at the coveted final four showdown. We've seen some amazing action thus far and if the past games are any indication, this is going to be one hell of a championship match.
Bob: Lined up for todays games are Christianity versus Islam and the impressive Mormon team versus a very talented Scientology group. All of the teams stack up well against one another and it's hard to determine which team, if any, will have the upper hand. We've got simultaneous action this afternoon so we'll be covering both games as they happen. How about a rundown of the teams, Jim?
Jim: Christianity is looking strong, as usual. The team received a presidental grant and the 12 Apostles (as they call their team) is looking better than ever. Look for an explosive match with the Islamic team who is coming in as the number two seed in the tournament. I talked with the Islamic coach before the game and he mentioned that he's recently perfected the team's "747 offense" which he plans to use to strike down the infidels. That looks to be a real battle, Bob. On the other hand, we have a suprise entry in the Scientology team, who advanced through the tournament after the Buddhist team was disqualified for being a no-show.
Bob: Word has it that they were traveling on the wrong plane... of existence!
Jim: You can be such a tool sometimes, Bob. Rounding out the final four is the Mormon team, attired in their white collared shirts and black ties. Man, that's gotta be uncomfortable to play in. Look for a suprising performance between the third and fourth seeds. It'll be interesting to see if the Scientology underdogs can pull out a win when no one expects them to.
Bob: On the line today is the coveted golden Trophy of God and eternal bragging rights in the afterlife.
Jim: No graven images, indeed!
Bob: It looks like the teams are taking the floor and the action is about to begin. I see Scientology is sticking with a cryogenically-frozen L. Ron Hubbard in the coach's chair.
Jim: Yeah, he's not much of a talker but thankfully he wrote down all of his game plans 30 years ago. Outdated as they are, it's gotten the Scientology team this far. Surveying the court, it looks like the Mormon players are trying to play with too many men on the court!
Bob: That's what happens when you don't use birth control! It looks like the referee is having words with Coach Joseph Smith and trying to get things settled and underway.
Jim: Coach Smith needs to be careful lest he get his team penalized before the game even starts.
Bob: On the other court, the Islamic team is finishing their warm-ups and getting ready for action. An interesting fact: the Islamic team really cut down their team costs by ordering jerseys with the name "Mohammed" already stitched into the back. Oddly enough, this configuration worked for 9/10th of the team.
Bob: Team Christianity is also getting ready to go, though they are currently in the "halo huddle" as they like to call their pre-game peptalk. I notice an accute lack of black players on the Christian team, Jim. Certainly an oddity in the sports world today.
Jim: Well Bob, it's a known fact that true Christian believers hate minorities so that shouldn't come as much of a surprise. Of course, they also hate gays, abortions, and the color blue. Can you feel the love in the arena tonight?
Bob: No, but I felt the love when I slept with your wife last night!
Jim: Haha, who hasn't these days? Also, she has herpes. Enjoy.
Bob: Word down from courtside is that Jesus is in attendance this afternoon, wearing a very stylish bible belt.
Jim: And there's the tip off! We're underway folks. It's going to be a knock-down, drag out, fun-filled afternoon in a winner takes all battle to see who really reigns supreme.
Bob: I see that the Scientology team is starting out in their coveted "e-meter defense", which can be pretty damn confusing to anyone who isn't a Scientologist and/or crazy. It'll be interesting to see how the Mormon "missionary" offense stacks up.
Jim: The collar-and-tie crew have taken an early 15-5 lead, probably through the help of those magic glasses they're all wearing.
Bob: In the other game, the Christianity team has so far dominated the struggling Islamic offense with their hand of God defensive style.
Jim: Oh my! Did you see that? Team Islam with the suicide squeeze play to pull ahead by two points. That was the bomb! Literally! Team Islam has detonated one of their players and took out half of the defense!
Bob: I tell you, I felt that slam dunk all the way up here, Jim.
Jim: Team Christianity is back on the offensive again, and, wow, he really nailed that 3-pointer.
Bob: Christians have a lot of experience nailing things, Jim.
Jim: Oh Bob, you're about as clever as a castrated monkey. Team Islam is really struggling to keep up on the defensive end. We've all heard a lot of talk about their "jihad" defensive-style, but it simply doesn't look like it's any match for the Christian onslaught.
Bob: Checking in on the other court, Scientology has pulled back into the match and tying the game at 30-30. That's truly dianetic!
Jim: I've heard that both John Travolta and Tom Cruise are in attendance for today's game. We can probably expect a lot of yelling and dancing at halftime!
Bob: Speaking of, it looks like end of the half for both games. The score currently stands with Islam barely in the lead over the Christ followers by a score of 36-34 and the Mormons neck and neck with the Hubbard Crazies with a score of 40-39.
Jim: It's been an exciting half of basketball for sure. For halftime entertainment, we have Mariah Carey to perform her rendition of "Cum Bah Yah." This should truly be exciting.
Bob: What's this? It appears that the Islamic fans are throwing stones at poor Mariah! It would seem that they don't agree with a woman singing in public! Ow, that has to hurt!
Jim: And look, the Mormon fans are valiantly trying to protect her. It would seem that someone is looking to pick up another wife!
Bob: It would seem that the Christian fans are also getting into the mix. There appears to be a lot of name calling amd finger wagging at this point. We're about two seconds away from an all-out riot in here.
Jim: All we're waiting on is the three Scientology fans to start throwing some punches and we'll have all the representatives in this religious throwdown.
Bob: Oh my, is it Sunday already? There is quite the party going on in the house of God right now!
Jim: From the looks of things, fans are spilling into the court and someone's bound to get hurt! I doubt we'll see another half of actual basketball action.
Bob: I agree. Holy war or no, I don't think that any of the teams will be allowed back on the court. Such a shame too, since we saw some very good action during the first half.
Jim: So, another year passes and again the Trophy of God goes unclaimed. Who will be the victor next year?
Bob: I'm not sure, Jim, but if today taught us anything, it's that when it comes to religion, we're all losers. Strcitly concerning religious basketball, of course.
Jim: Well, so long folks. This is Jim and Bob signing off from Noah's Ark Stadium. Join us next year when these teams will meet again and battle for the right to claim heaven as their own.