If you look throughout the course of history, ignoring, of course, all the notable inventions and religious bloodshed, mankind has shared one notable trait: our desire to move. Whether it be our nomadic forefathers, scrounging for food and prehistoric heroin, or our more puritan of relatives who landed on Plymouth Rock because it had better cable reception, we as a people have been quite attracted to the idea of moving. Perhaps it's the thrill of taking off and settling some place new or maybe you just need to get away from that abusive husband who is stalking you. Whatever your particular fancy, unless you're extremely lazy and/or have a thyroid condition which causes your feet to swell to enormous proportions, you've probably moved quite a bit in your lifetime. In fact, studies show that 94% of all Americans have moved or are planning to move again sometime really, really soon. No, we didn't just make that statistic up.
Regardless of how much you've moved or how much you may move in the future, there remains one constant: moving is a lot of work. As a normal, unhealthy, upstanding American, you've probably been trying as best you can to get out of working hard all your life, so why start now? Why not let the experts at P.NET Moving step in and take care of everything for you? We're equipped with a full fleet of stolen trucks that may or may not work and a staff of thousands of potentially hard-working homeless people that we keep as indentured servants. We bring to the table over five years of combined experience in a field that has absolutely nothing to do with moving! But don't let that fool you; we mean business! Still not convinced? Let's give a small rundown of some of the great services that choosing P.NET Moving will afford you:
Destination, smeshtination: A lot of the other so-called "moving companies" like to advertise national delivery but when push comes to shove, they fail to deliver more times than a seizure-prone newspaper boy. Well, we here at P.NM don't play that! Your destination is important to us. We know that you put a lot of time and effort into choosing your next living locale and you can rest assured that we put just as much time and effort into randomly choosing some other place to deliver your boxed goods. It's a complex process which isn't easily understood by laypeople such as yourself, but it does involve a large map, some darts, and a bottle of 151. So whether you're going remote or right next door, it really doesn't matter: you're not going to get your shit anyway!
Don't put your back out: Hey, if Einstein's retarded cousin taught us anything, it's that heavy stuff weighs a lot, and things that weigh a lot are pretty tough to move around. Why struggle with all the heavy lifting by yourself? Utilize our staff of many and get the job done quicker (just like drinking malt liquor!). Our specially trained moving veterans know a thing or two about heavy lifting. In fact, we know that heavy things are often less heavy when broken into smaller pieces! While we certainly understand your attachment to that heavy oak table that your Grandmother left you after she contracted a nasty case of tennis elbow, try to think of it this way: now you have two (or more depending on demolition item used) things to remember her by!
High rise, low problem: So you live on the 75th floor and you're not quite ready to spend the day hauling stuff up and down the stairs? No problem! When you hire P.NM, you hire a care-free moving experience. You can just sit back and have yourself a flask of vodka while we do all the work! Elevator broken? No sweat! Utilizing the natural forces of gravity and other highly scientific phenomenon, we speed up your moving process no matter what floor you live on. Our patented three step high-rise moving solution is guaranteed to be both simple and effective while cutting down the time you wait by at least 10 full minutes. Don't believe us? We're so confident that our process works, we've outlined it below:
1. Open window.
2. Cram your prized possession out window.
3. Watch it fall.
The competition has been trying for years to duplicate our success but you can never win by being a copycat. P.NET Moving has years of experience in getting you out of the house fast, probably so that we can rummage through the remaining items that we didn't break in case we see anything of value. But we don't stop there! Not listed here are a wide range of other moving-related services that we offer. Some of these services include:
- wrapping things in tape
- throwing boxes
- wrapping already taped items in more tape
- throwing boxes of tape
- taping up boxes of tape with more tape
We here at P.NET Movers understand that unless you're a paraplegic, moving around is pretty important to you and we want to emphasize that moving you around is pretty important to us, too. Unless we've been out drinking the night before, we don't sleep until every last item is on the truck. (If you have a really large house or an inordinate amount of items, we may request that you provide us with some crystal meth to keep us going.) You've probably tried the rest, but now it's time to call the best. If you want to get on with your move faster, you know what to do.
P.NET Movers: dropping all of your stuff since 1973.
Regardless of how much you've moved or how much you may move in the future, there remains one constant: moving is a lot of work. As a normal, unhealthy, upstanding American, you've probably been trying as best you can to get out of working hard all your life, so why start now? Why not let the experts at P.NET Moving step in and take care of everything for you? We're equipped with a full fleet of stolen trucks that may or may not work and a staff of thousands of potentially hard-working homeless people that we keep as indentured servants. We bring to the table over five years of combined experience in a field that has absolutely nothing to do with moving! But don't let that fool you; we mean business! Still not convinced? Let's give a small rundown of some of the great services that choosing P.NET Moving will afford you:
Destination, smeshtination: A lot of the other so-called "moving companies" like to advertise national delivery but when push comes to shove, they fail to deliver more times than a seizure-prone newspaper boy. Well, we here at P.NM don't play that! Your destination is important to us. We know that you put a lot of time and effort into choosing your next living locale and you can rest assured that we put just as much time and effort into randomly choosing some other place to deliver your boxed goods. It's a complex process which isn't easily understood by laypeople such as yourself, but it does involve a large map, some darts, and a bottle of 151. So whether you're going remote or right next door, it really doesn't matter: you're not going to get your shit anyway!
Don't put your back out: Hey, if Einstein's retarded cousin taught us anything, it's that heavy stuff weighs a lot, and things that weigh a lot are pretty tough to move around. Why struggle with all the heavy lifting by yourself? Utilize our staff of many and get the job done quicker (just like drinking malt liquor!). Our specially trained moving veterans know a thing or two about heavy lifting. In fact, we know that heavy things are often less heavy when broken into smaller pieces! While we certainly understand your attachment to that heavy oak table that your Grandmother left you after she contracted a nasty case of tennis elbow, try to think of it this way: now you have two (or more depending on demolition item used) things to remember her by!
High rise, low problem: So you live on the 75th floor and you're not quite ready to spend the day hauling stuff up and down the stairs? No problem! When you hire P.NM, you hire a care-free moving experience. You can just sit back and have yourself a flask of vodka while we do all the work! Elevator broken? No sweat! Utilizing the natural forces of gravity and other highly scientific phenomenon, we speed up your moving process no matter what floor you live on. Our patented three step high-rise moving solution is guaranteed to be both simple and effective while cutting down the time you wait by at least 10 full minutes. Don't believe us? We're so confident that our process works, we've outlined it below:
1. Open window.
2. Cram your prized possession out window.
3. Watch it fall.
The competition has been trying for years to duplicate our success but you can never win by being a copycat. P.NET Moving has years of experience in getting you out of the house fast, probably so that we can rummage through the remaining items that we didn't break in case we see anything of value. But we don't stop there! Not listed here are a wide range of other moving-related services that we offer. Some of these services include:
- wrapping things in tape
- throwing boxes
- wrapping already taped items in more tape
- throwing boxes of tape
- taping up boxes of tape with more tape
We here at P.NET Movers understand that unless you're a paraplegic, moving around is pretty important to you and we want to emphasize that moving you around is pretty important to us, too. Unless we've been out drinking the night before, we don't sleep until every last item is on the truck. (If you have a really large house or an inordinate amount of items, we may request that you provide us with some crystal meth to keep us going.) You've probably tried the rest, but now it's time to call the best. If you want to get on with your move faster, you know what to do.
P.NET Movers: dropping all of your stuff since 1973.