Whenever a holiday rolls around these parts, it always seems that my email box gets filled to the brim with people asking me to weigh in on it and give it my special insight. Lengthy emails such as "Why don't you go away?" and "I hope you break your hand so you never write again" fill me with all the energy and motivation I need to make sure that I get the job done. Without support from such dedicated fans, I would have run out of ideas a long time ago and probably stuck with that night shift job I had at 7-11.
So, unless you are illiterate and/or do not have easy access to a calendar or someone who does, you probably realize that we are in the midst of the the month of December. This is important for two reasons: one, the Christmas and Hanukkah holidays fall in this month and two, the doctor said that the rash I have in my bikini area should dissipate soon. The cream really helped. Thankfully, though, I am here to talk about point number one. (Point two is still a sensitive issue and if I ever find that one-eyed Taiwanese grocery clerk, I'll fix her up good!)
The word around town concerning Christmas is that on the 25th of December, the more religious among us get together to celebrate the birth of Jesus. The only real problem with this is that it's quite probable that Jesus wasn't really born on the 25th but, as most good Christians do, we don't let silly things like facts get in the way of our beliefs. Still, the idea is there and nothing helps children around the world better appreciate this omnipotent being more than being spoiled rotten by parents who feel guilty because little Jimmy has an attitude problem. I bet Jesus never got a shiny new BMX bike for his birthday. Of course, Jesus was above the need for such things. He was too busy walking around performing miracles and the like, not to mention bedding down half of Bethlehem.
Despite his humble beginnings, anyone with half a brain knew that this Jesus kid was bound to be something special. I would like to point out, however, that if three wisemen had come bearing gifts when I was born, I could have been probably been something great myself. Of course, knowing my luck, those three wisemen would turn out to be clones of the Burger King mascot, bearing some fatty breakfast sandwich as opposed to gold and rare spices. I mean, really, who gives mhyrr as a gift these days? So, anyway, Jesus got off to a pretty good start. I don't know much about his home life but the whole turning water into wine thing helped him become accepted by the less sober among the society elite. Additionally, little is made mention of the fact that Jesus was quite the ladies man. Chastity vows be damned; that kind of crap is for priests! He'd walk into various bars and clubs attired in nothing but a loin cloth; his long flowing hair and "can do" attitude made him a real go-getter. He'd begin spouting his "I'm the savior of the known world" line and it was done. Most men can't compete with that.
Still, I'd be pretty pissed if I were Jesus. Aside from the fact that I would already be dead and have more holes in my body than a soccer net, I'd be pretty miffed about the fact that everyone gets presents on my birthday except me. No one pours a little out for Jesus on his special day. Thankfully, Jesus isn't the only guy on the block and Christmas has to share timeslots with a number of other religious holidays this month. Take Hanukkah for example. This is an eight-day party where Jewish people and zebras get together to drink, gamble, and light candles. Games of spinning the dreidel have been known to get violent and have since been outlawed in 36 states. Jewish innercity youths have been spotted setting up makeshift dreidel games in back alleys as means to suppliment their income. Reports of dreidel gang violence is also becoming more common; each side arguing which of the four symbols is more dominant. Not to weigh in, but give me the gimmel any day.
Naturally, those aren't the only two big holidays on the December block. We have Kwanzaa, which a number of ignorant people believe to be the African replacement for Christmas. These people are stupid and deserve to be mocked or have rocks thrown at their heads. Kwanzaa is generally celebrated in addition to Christmas, because everyone can use another holiday. People who celebrate Kwanzaa also get a kick out of lighting candles and like to take long walks in the park at sunset. If you prefer your holidays to be of the more sitcom-ish variety, we have Festivus to celebrate, because the corporate fatcats have over-commercialized Christmas. All Frank wanted to do was buy a doll for his fat gay son, George. "Festivus" is also the name of a red wine produced by Grape Ranch Vineyards in Oklahoma.
And there you have it, your year-end holiday wrap-up. With everyone going crazy over whether someone says "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas", we can all use a little more sanity this holiday season. So, whatever holiday you celebrate or whatever religious background you come from, just remember to keep a cool head and try not to kill anyone. Unless it's Martha Stewart. You can go ahead and kill her if you want. If you do, you won't have to buy me anything this year. Thanks.
So, unless you are illiterate and/or do not have easy access to a calendar or someone who does, you probably realize that we are in the midst of the the month of December. This is important for two reasons: one, the Christmas and Hanukkah holidays fall in this month and two, the doctor said that the rash I have in my bikini area should dissipate soon. The cream really helped. Thankfully, though, I am here to talk about point number one. (Point two is still a sensitive issue and if I ever find that one-eyed Taiwanese grocery clerk, I'll fix her up good!)
The word around town concerning Christmas is that on the 25th of December, the more religious among us get together to celebrate the birth of Jesus. The only real problem with this is that it's quite probable that Jesus wasn't really born on the 25th but, as most good Christians do, we don't let silly things like facts get in the way of our beliefs. Still, the idea is there and nothing helps children around the world better appreciate this omnipotent being more than being spoiled rotten by parents who feel guilty because little Jimmy has an attitude problem. I bet Jesus never got a shiny new BMX bike for his birthday. Of course, Jesus was above the need for such things. He was too busy walking around performing miracles and the like, not to mention bedding down half of Bethlehem.
Despite his humble beginnings, anyone with half a brain knew that this Jesus kid was bound to be something special. I would like to point out, however, that if three wisemen had come bearing gifts when I was born, I could have been probably been something great myself. Of course, knowing my luck, those three wisemen would turn out to be clones of the Burger King mascot, bearing some fatty breakfast sandwich as opposed to gold and rare spices. I mean, really, who gives mhyrr as a gift these days? So, anyway, Jesus got off to a pretty good start. I don't know much about his home life but the whole turning water into wine thing helped him become accepted by the less sober among the society elite. Additionally, little is made mention of the fact that Jesus was quite the ladies man. Chastity vows be damned; that kind of crap is for priests! He'd walk into various bars and clubs attired in nothing but a loin cloth; his long flowing hair and "can do" attitude made him a real go-getter. He'd begin spouting his "I'm the savior of the known world" line and it was done. Most men can't compete with that.
Still, I'd be pretty pissed if I were Jesus. Aside from the fact that I would already be dead and have more holes in my body than a soccer net, I'd be pretty miffed about the fact that everyone gets presents on my birthday except me. No one pours a little out for Jesus on his special day. Thankfully, Jesus isn't the only guy on the block and Christmas has to share timeslots with a number of other religious holidays this month. Take Hanukkah for example. This is an eight-day party where Jewish people and zebras get together to drink, gamble, and light candles. Games of spinning the dreidel have been known to get violent and have since been outlawed in 36 states. Jewish innercity youths have been spotted setting up makeshift dreidel games in back alleys as means to suppliment their income. Reports of dreidel gang violence is also becoming more common; each side arguing which of the four symbols is more dominant. Not to weigh in, but give me the gimmel any day.
Naturally, those aren't the only two big holidays on the December block. We have Kwanzaa, which a number of ignorant people believe to be the African replacement for Christmas. These people are stupid and deserve to be mocked or have rocks thrown at their heads. Kwanzaa is generally celebrated in addition to Christmas, because everyone can use another holiday. People who celebrate Kwanzaa also get a kick out of lighting candles and like to take long walks in the park at sunset. If you prefer your holidays to be of the more sitcom-ish variety, we have Festivus to celebrate, because the corporate fatcats have over-commercialized Christmas. All Frank wanted to do was buy a doll for his fat gay son, George. "Festivus" is also the name of a red wine produced by Grape Ranch Vineyards in Oklahoma.
And there you have it, your year-end holiday wrap-up. With everyone going crazy over whether someone says "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas", we can all use a little more sanity this holiday season. So, whatever holiday you celebrate or whatever religious background you come from, just remember to keep a cool head and try not to kill anyone. Unless it's Martha Stewart. You can go ahead and kill her if you want. If you do, you won't have to buy me anything this year. Thanks.
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