As most of our regular readers know, we here at the P.Net offices don't exactly have an excellent track record when it comes to doing interviews.  Some would like to chalk this up to our complete ineptness when it comes to such things, but we prefer to place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the unpredictable celebrities that we interview.  I mean, it's not that we don't do our homework but, seriously, how were we supposed to know that Will Smith and Martin Lawrence weren't the same person?  We just figured that he pulled a Jean-Claude Van Damme thing similar to what happened in the hit movie franchise "Double Impact."

Still, despite everything, we always strive to better our track record, something that we can actually correct as opposed to that burning sensation that we generally feel when we urinate.  In what has to be some kind of world exclusive, we've managed to secure the initial public interview with the ultra-reclusive founder of the P.Net Foundation and CEO of the PNC Worldwide Corporation, Randy Pollestad.  To our knowledge, this is the first time he has gone on record to answer a number of these questions and some of the revelations are a bit startling.  If you have small children and/or are faint of heart, we really question your mental stability and we figure that you probably shouldn't be reading this website anyway.  Read on to see what transpired.

P.N: Randy, thank you for taking the time out to talk with us.

Randy: My pleasure.  Thank you for having me.

P.N: You've been known as a bit of a recluse in the past and rarely grant interviews.  Why the change?

Randy: The recluse part was my "quirk", the one that that set me apart from everyone else.  It made me interesting because I was different.  Well, now I am tired of being interesting so I am changing the game up once again.

P.N: I don't know what means.

Randy: Yeah, me either.  My PR department told me to say that.

P.N: Ok, well, let's move on.  Tell us a little bit about your history.  Your childhood and the like.

Randy: Growing up touring with a traveling circus troupe isn't a life that I would wish on anyone, but it's me, it's how I started out and I can't shake that or deny where I came from.

P.N: You were raised by a circus troupe?

Randy: Yeah.  I only had one friend growing up and he was the lion tamer.  His trick was that he was blind though.

P.N: A blind lion tamer?  Isn't that a bit difficult?

Randy: I guess so, but he managed.  He would occassionally whip me on accident but I got used to it.  Friendship helps scars heal.  Besides, I am pretty sure he didn't do it on purpose.  Unless he was in his "playful" mood.

P.N: That sounds a bit rough.  Do you have any other circus stories?

Randy: Well, I lost my virginity to the bearded lady.

P.N: Bearded lady?

Randy: Yeah.  It turns out that she wasn't a lady after all.  Needless to say, I learned a real quick lesson about the birds and bees.  Ok, it was more like bees and bees.  To this day, I still don't know much about birds which probably explains why I failed at becoming an ornithologist.

P.N: You were an ornithologist?

Randy: Sure, who wasn't?  It was all the rage back in the day.  I just assumed everyone did it.

P.N: Well, tell us how you went from failed ornithologist to a successful web entrepreneur and corporate icon?

Randy: To be honest, by accident, really.  I was home alone one day munching on some chlorine tabs when this giant robot with elephant ears came crashing in the house.  He offered me two options: either to throw myself out the window or to set up a website.

P.N: So you chose to set up the website?

Randy: No.  Actually, I threw myself out the window but while I was waiting for the plastic surgery to heal, I got pretty bored so I went online and wrote about it.

P.N: I see.  And you say that a giant robot with elephant ears told you to do this?

Randy: Yeah.  Do you want to know the funny thing?  He sounded a lot like Tim Allen.

P.N: Weird.

Randy: Agreed.

P.N: Well, tell us a little more about the site.  What did it start out as and how has it evolved?

Randy: After writing some horror stories concerning my plastic surgery and posting them to various breast implant forums, I decided it was high time that I started something that I always dreamed of doing, namely to start a My Little Pony fan site.

P.N: My Little Pony?

Randy: Yeah, it was great.  I wrote all kinds of My Little Pony fan fiction and drew crude animations involving my favorite characters in hilarious sitcom-like situations.

P.N: I see.  And what was your favorite pony?

Randy: Definitely Snuzzle.  Ah, quirky little Snuzzle.

P.N: Back to the site...

Randy: Oh, yes, sorry.  The site.  Well, after a popular stint with the ponies, I switched gears about as smoothly as a 1984 Pinto transmission and created a website that catered to elementary school children and tried to warn them about the dangers of smoking horses.

P.N: Smoking horses?

Randy: Oh yeah, that peer pressure thing is a bitch.  I used to have a horse in my sixth grade class and let me tell you, that bastard was ALWAYS trying to get me to start smoking.  He'd be like, "all the cool kids are doing it" and he would rub his hoof seductively on my shoulder like he wanted more from me.  Thankfully, I had just finished drinking Drano from my thermos and was in no mood for his advances.

P.N: Ok, moving on.  Where do you get the ideas for your updates?

Randy: Just between you and me, I steal them.  I'm pretty sure that I plagiarized the first 50 or 60 of them.

P.N: Ok, but you've written over 80.  Explain.

Randy: Well, once I hit 60 I started recycling jokes.  The audience doesn't know the difference and I come out looking like some kind of continuous fountain of funny.  Still, constantly looking for things to steal is hard work.  Most of the updates are now sustained via information I beat out of the homeless people that I keep in my garage.

P.N: You keep homeless people in your garage?

Randy: Well, yeah, but not tied up or anything.  They have free reign to go wherever they please, as long as it's within the confines of the garage.  Whenever I need something new, I whip them into a frenzy with the promise of more boxed wine and they do their best to churn out an update.

P.N: Do you realize that you are a cruel and twisted man?

Randy: No, but I say blame the circus.

P.N: OK, Randy, that just about wraps up the interview.  We are running out of time and, frankly, we don't care to talk to you anymore.

Randy: Cool, man.  Can I say one more thing before I leave?

P.N: I guess.

Randy: One more thing.

P.N: You are an idiot, sir.  Goodbye.

Consider that a wrap.  Whether that will bring our interview department new found fame or etch us further into the black hole of crappy interviews remains to be seen.  At least he didn't turn into some kind of crazy depserate housewife like Oprah did.  We're not sure how that one would have turned out.