Drop your syringes and stop popping those pills, it's time for another edition of the P.Net Corporation Campus Newsletter! Every now and again, we like to print out a generic pamphlet which is personally addressed to you in order to make you feel like you really belong, despite the fact that we're about to give you a pink slip and send you packing. There's a lot going on around the campus these days, things which you probably weren't invited to attend, so it's presented here in black and white in order to help you live vicariously through people who actually accomplish something. It's our special way of unifying our employees and really forming a bond between the worker bees and us executives without the use of an expensive middleman or slave driver. You simply have to appreciate the innovation.
We're Hiring!
Here at the PNC, we're always on the lookout for new talent, especially the kind of talent that does what we ask and doesn't ask a whole lot of questions. But we understand that that kind of talent is rare, unless you live within three miles of a parole office. Still, we value each employee, if only as a joke, and we'd like to pass along word of new opportunities so that we may prosper off the misery of someone you know. We have a number of exciting opportunities that we are looking to fill and a wonderful employee referral program to back it up. From now until December, if you refer a friend who winds up getting hired, you'll receive a coupon for $0.25 off your next purchase at the cafeteria. We know it's incredible, but we think it's only fair. Read below for some of the more exciting opportunities that we are currently scouting for:
- Do you have a friend or relative that lives in a South American country? Does he/she have cartel connections? If so, they may meet the qualifications for our new "International Drug Researcher" position. This person would be responsible for providing us a large quantity of "samples" which we intend to "research" and possibly "redistribute." These terms are highly technical and it's quite understandable if you don't know what they mean. Only a qualified candidate would! We're also looking for poor people with nothing to lose to become mules.
- Are you a legal whiz who has never lost a case? Are you clean-cut with an upstanding reputation in the law community? If so, we don't want you! As anyone with half a brain knows, our legal team was formed as a joke, a bet between two executives on whether we could get by with a bunch of college dropouts with various drug dependencies. So far, so good! But we need more! Now that summer is here, our legal team is expanding, branching out from sitting around inside and doing nothing to sitting around outside and doing nothing, except we have a lot more space to fill outside and we long ran out of homeless people to parade around. Must have a minimum of four names and should be able to lie convincingly.
PNC Campus County Fair
If you don't like the smell of cheap hay and midget horses, don't read any further, but if you're of the adventurous type, you'll know that these two things can only mean one thing: it's fair time again! Bring your friends, family, and indentured servants to the annual PNC Campus County Fair! We're going have rides, games, shows, and food, including buckets of fun for all. The price of admission is free, but if you bring a can of soup with you on opening night, we'll snatch it out of your hand and throw it at your head. Didn't you already hear? Admission is free! We have a number of exciting new features this year, so strap yourself in and read on for an overdose of fun and excitement!
New Shows:
- Homeless Pony Show: We're not cheap but the rising costs of renting farm animals this year prompted us to be a bit creative. Enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime chance to ride your very own homeless person! They smell like real horses and even make similar sounds as they parade you and your family around a cheap lot that smells like booze. Each ride is accompanied by a special tour guide who really knows his way around a whip. Pay extra and your children can get caught in the cross-fire!
- Bloods vs. Crips: If you're like us, the idea of gritty, urban gang warfare really turns you on. New this year is the traveling Bloods vs. Crips stage show! More realistic than anything you've ever seen because these people are not actors! In fact, when they wake up from the morphine overdose we gave them, anything can happen! Join us for a night at the theater-in-the-round as these unknowing gang members wake up on the wrong side of their turf. Truly fun for the whole family.
New Rides:
- The Acid Trip: Woah ho ho! Sorry kids, this one is for mommy and daddy only! Take a seat and strap yourself in for one wild ride as we inject you with a full cc of acid and send through our specially designed "House of Elephants & Melting Faces." You'll swear you've never have so much fun in your life, assuming that you survive and don't go crazy.
And other exciting features:
- Morphine-flavored Cotton Candy
- Exploding Candy Bibles
- Mad Cow Tacos
- Jerry Springer
- and a special Scientology exhibit!
Clearly, this will be one of the best years yet. Remember that public drunkenness is not only allowed but encouraged on the PNC Campus so be sure that you get liquored up before you come out.
That's just about all that we have for this edition of the newsletter. Remember that new editions come out every quarter, or whenever we have something really big that we want to rub in your face. Copies of this newsletter can be found throughout the campus in special kiosks marked "NEWSLETTERS HERE." Confusing, we know.
We're Hiring!
Here at the PNC, we're always on the lookout for new talent, especially the kind of talent that does what we ask and doesn't ask a whole lot of questions. But we understand that that kind of talent is rare, unless you live within three miles of a parole office. Still, we value each employee, if only as a joke, and we'd like to pass along word of new opportunities so that we may prosper off the misery of someone you know. We have a number of exciting opportunities that we are looking to fill and a wonderful employee referral program to back it up. From now until December, if you refer a friend who winds up getting hired, you'll receive a coupon for $0.25 off your next purchase at the cafeteria. We know it's incredible, but we think it's only fair. Read below for some of the more exciting opportunities that we are currently scouting for:
- Do you have a friend or relative that lives in a South American country? Does he/she have cartel connections? If so, they may meet the qualifications for our new "International Drug Researcher" position. This person would be responsible for providing us a large quantity of "samples" which we intend to "research" and possibly "redistribute." These terms are highly technical and it's quite understandable if you don't know what they mean. Only a qualified candidate would! We're also looking for poor people with nothing to lose to become mules.
- Are you a legal whiz who has never lost a case? Are you clean-cut with an upstanding reputation in the law community? If so, we don't want you! As anyone with half a brain knows, our legal team was formed as a joke, a bet between two executives on whether we could get by with a bunch of college dropouts with various drug dependencies. So far, so good! But we need more! Now that summer is here, our legal team is expanding, branching out from sitting around inside and doing nothing to sitting around outside and doing nothing, except we have a lot more space to fill outside and we long ran out of homeless people to parade around. Must have a minimum of four names and should be able to lie convincingly.
PNC Campus County Fair
If you don't like the smell of cheap hay and midget horses, don't read any further, but if you're of the adventurous type, you'll know that these two things can only mean one thing: it's fair time again! Bring your friends, family, and indentured servants to the annual PNC Campus County Fair! We're going have rides, games, shows, and food, including buckets of fun for all. The price of admission is free, but if you bring a can of soup with you on opening night, we'll snatch it out of your hand and throw it at your head. Didn't you already hear? Admission is free! We have a number of exciting new features this year, so strap yourself in and read on for an overdose of fun and excitement!
New Shows:
- Homeless Pony Show: We're not cheap but the rising costs of renting farm animals this year prompted us to be a bit creative. Enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime chance to ride your very own homeless person! They smell like real horses and even make similar sounds as they parade you and your family around a cheap lot that smells like booze. Each ride is accompanied by a special tour guide who really knows his way around a whip. Pay extra and your children can get caught in the cross-fire!
- Bloods vs. Crips: If you're like us, the idea of gritty, urban gang warfare really turns you on. New this year is the traveling Bloods vs. Crips stage show! More realistic than anything you've ever seen because these people are not actors! In fact, when they wake up from the morphine overdose we gave them, anything can happen! Join us for a night at the theater-in-the-round as these unknowing gang members wake up on the wrong side of their turf. Truly fun for the whole family.
New Rides:
- The Acid Trip: Woah ho ho! Sorry kids, this one is for mommy and daddy only! Take a seat and strap yourself in for one wild ride as we inject you with a full cc of acid and send through our specially designed "House of Elephants & Melting Faces." You'll swear you've never have so much fun in your life, assuming that you survive and don't go crazy.
And other exciting features:
- Morphine-flavored Cotton Candy
- Exploding Candy Bibles
- Mad Cow Tacos
- Jerry Springer
- and a special Scientology exhibit!
Clearly, this will be one of the best years yet. Remember that public drunkenness is not only allowed but encouraged on the PNC Campus so be sure that you get liquored up before you come out.
That's just about all that we have for this edition of the newsletter. Remember that new editions come out every quarter, or whenever we have something really big that we want to rub in your face. Copies of this newsletter can be found throughout the campus in special kiosks marked "NEWSLETTERS HERE." Confusing, we know.
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