The world is a dangerous place filled with crooks, criminals, giant man-eating bananas, and frivolous lawsuits. While I would love to spend the day talking at length about how the giant banana people are facing economically diverse troubles due to a wheat shortage in their homeland, it would seem that destiny has already chosen my topic for me. The P.Net Corporation, in all it's infinite and globalized glory, is a prime target for lawsuits brought about by wackos, aliens, and lonely housewives looking for attention. The majority of these, thankfully, wind up getting thrown out of court, largely due to our generous bribing infrastructure. Unfortunately, no system is perfect and an occasional judgement will slip through the cracks, forcing us to actually wind up in court in order to defend ourselves. We like to call these cases "settlement opportunities." The latest such case, one involving employee treatment and the nuclear testing we do on their children, was recently finished and a settlement was reached by both parties.
As a portion of the settlement for this latest suit, the judge handed us down three options. We could either do jail time, pay a huge fine, or submit to using our company influence for good and churning out some public service announcements. I immediately opted for the jail time, simply because the idea of showering with men excites me. However, I think I might have given too much away with the gleam in my eye and me jumping up and down in the courtroom yelling, "Take me bailiff, take me!" because the judge saw right through it. So, naturally, we next opted to simply pay a fine and be done with it but he wasn't having any of that either as we recently hired what was left of the Enron accounting staff as interns. Well, that left me with little option but to take what was behind door #3, public service annoucements.
I don't know about you but I don't know squat about making public service announcements and I figure I wouldn't be able to get away with something as simple as yelling "Don't do drugs and don't play with fire!" in various playgrounds around town. So, what could we as a corporation do to help make the public aware of various dangers? I consulted with our Legal department in the hopes that they would be able to help guide me but unfortunately, they were in the middle of some late spring cleaning. And by spring cleaning, I mean overdosing on heroin. So, with little to go on and a deadline looming, I thought that I would take some time out and inform you, the public, about what great lengths we go through in order to make PNC a diverse and ethical company. Upholding these values is important to us and we like to think that it's a large part of why people choose to work for us (the indentured employees notwithstanding). Given that, I have compiled a list of some upcoming company events taking place on our campus during the month of September in hopes that it will shed some light into our thought process.
September 6th, 2005:
Treat White People Like A Minority Day
Anyone who has been with the company for any great length of time knows that we don't particularly care for white people. In fact, it's company policy to discriminate against them. Thanks to outsourcing efforts, we've largely eradicated the threat of white people working on the campus but, like ants, a few still linger here and there. Since our company was founded on principles of diversity, we don't like to leave the whites out whenever we have company events. As such, this one is specifically for them! On September 6th, please join along with your fellow co-workers (assuming they are not whiteys) and treat that token white guy in your department exactly like he should be treated: as a minority. Racial slurs like "honkey", "redneck", and "truck driver" are encouraged words of the day. We'll be offering a prize to the person who can come up with the most original put down and to the person who can play the biggest race-related prank. Please see your non-white middle manager for details.
September 14th, 2005:
Bring Your Daughter With Questionable Morals To Work Day
Every kid daydreams about one day being able to go with Mommy or Daddy to the office and see how grown people work. Well, the reverse is also true. Most of the people in the office would love to see your daughter work her stuff too. Since we're a family oriented company, we could think of no better way to satisfy both needs by instituting a "Bring Your Child To Work" day variant. We were originally going to call it "Take Your Slutty Daughter To The Office Day" but HR nixed that idea pretty quickly. Frankly, we think they were abused early on in life. What better way to express our company values and dedication to you as an employee and your family? So, on September 14th, dress your daughter up in whatever skimpy, tight-fitting outfit you have laying around and command her to shake it like a salt shaker. Poles will be strategically set up throughout the campus hallways and, though encouraged, their use is optional. It should be noted that unless you're in the Arkansas branch, your daughter must be over the age of 16.
September 22nd, 2005:
Corporate Espionage Day
We'd like to think that we became the #1 corporation in the world through innovation and good business sense but that would just be an outright lie. We are where we are because of our employees, most of which just happen to be very good criminals or at least have solid connections to those that are. And for all of you, here is your day to shine! Every now and again, we like to set time aside for you, the employee, to put your criminal skills to good use and contribute it back to the company in a positive way. Yes, we're talking about stealing secrets from our competitors! Do you have a loved one or a best friend who happens to be in a key position elsewhere? We're looking for you! Do you have ninja skills or did you recently do a bid for breaking and entering? We're looking for you! Hey, we skipped that background check for a reason. Surprise us! A list of all prizes and awards will be posted throughout the campus in both individual and team catergories. Form a crew with some of the other members of your department in order to plan out an even bigger score.
In addition, there will also be a number of smaller events going on throughout the month that will vary from building to building. These may include "Pour A Little Out For Fired Employees Day" and "Pack Heat And Hunt Homeless People Day." Be sure to check the nearest campus schedule to see what is going on in your area. Remember, we're all about being on the forefront of corporate diverity and ethics. We'd also like to think that we're doing a good job at it but that's only because we're used to lying to ourselves. Stay tuned for another public service announcement in the near future, since we have about four more to go in order to meet court requirements.
As a portion of the settlement for this latest suit, the judge handed us down three options. We could either do jail time, pay a huge fine, or submit to using our company influence for good and churning out some public service announcements. I immediately opted for the jail time, simply because the idea of showering with men excites me. However, I think I might have given too much away with the gleam in my eye and me jumping up and down in the courtroom yelling, "Take me bailiff, take me!" because the judge saw right through it. So, naturally, we next opted to simply pay a fine and be done with it but he wasn't having any of that either as we recently hired what was left of the Enron accounting staff as interns. Well, that left me with little option but to take what was behind door #3, public service annoucements.
I don't know about you but I don't know squat about making public service announcements and I figure I wouldn't be able to get away with something as simple as yelling "Don't do drugs and don't play with fire!" in various playgrounds around town. So, what could we as a corporation do to help make the public aware of various dangers? I consulted with our Legal department in the hopes that they would be able to help guide me but unfortunately, they were in the middle of some late spring cleaning. And by spring cleaning, I mean overdosing on heroin. So, with little to go on and a deadline looming, I thought that I would take some time out and inform you, the public, about what great lengths we go through in order to make PNC a diverse and ethical company. Upholding these values is important to us and we like to think that it's a large part of why people choose to work for us (the indentured employees notwithstanding). Given that, I have compiled a list of some upcoming company events taking place on our campus during the month of September in hopes that it will shed some light into our thought process.
September 6th, 2005:
Treat White People Like A Minority Day
Anyone who has been with the company for any great length of time knows that we don't particularly care for white people. In fact, it's company policy to discriminate against them. Thanks to outsourcing efforts, we've largely eradicated the threat of white people working on the campus but, like ants, a few still linger here and there. Since our company was founded on principles of diversity, we don't like to leave the whites out whenever we have company events. As such, this one is specifically for them! On September 6th, please join along with your fellow co-workers (assuming they are not whiteys) and treat that token white guy in your department exactly like he should be treated: as a minority. Racial slurs like "honkey", "redneck", and "truck driver" are encouraged words of the day. We'll be offering a prize to the person who can come up with the most original put down and to the person who can play the biggest race-related prank. Please see your non-white middle manager for details.
September 14th, 2005:
Bring Your Daughter With Questionable Morals To Work Day
Every kid daydreams about one day being able to go with Mommy or Daddy to the office and see how grown people work. Well, the reverse is also true. Most of the people in the office would love to see your daughter work her stuff too. Since we're a family oriented company, we could think of no better way to satisfy both needs by instituting a "Bring Your Child To Work" day variant. We were originally going to call it "Take Your Slutty Daughter To The Office Day" but HR nixed that idea pretty quickly. Frankly, we think they were abused early on in life. What better way to express our company values and dedication to you as an employee and your family? So, on September 14th, dress your daughter up in whatever skimpy, tight-fitting outfit you have laying around and command her to shake it like a salt shaker. Poles will be strategically set up throughout the campus hallways and, though encouraged, their use is optional. It should be noted that unless you're in the Arkansas branch, your daughter must be over the age of 16.
September 22nd, 2005:
Corporate Espionage Day
We'd like to think that we became the #1 corporation in the world through innovation and good business sense but that would just be an outright lie. We are where we are because of our employees, most of which just happen to be very good criminals or at least have solid connections to those that are. And for all of you, here is your day to shine! Every now and again, we like to set time aside for you, the employee, to put your criminal skills to good use and contribute it back to the company in a positive way. Yes, we're talking about stealing secrets from our competitors! Do you have a loved one or a best friend who happens to be in a key position elsewhere? We're looking for you! Do you have ninja skills or did you recently do a bid for breaking and entering? We're looking for you! Hey, we skipped that background check for a reason. Surprise us! A list of all prizes and awards will be posted throughout the campus in both individual and team catergories. Form a crew with some of the other members of your department in order to plan out an even bigger score.
In addition, there will also be a number of smaller events going on throughout the month that will vary from building to building. These may include "Pour A Little Out For Fired Employees Day" and "Pack Heat And Hunt Homeless People Day." Be sure to check the nearest campus schedule to see what is going on in your area. Remember, we're all about being on the forefront of corporate diverity and ethics. We'd also like to think that we're doing a good job at it but that's only because we're used to lying to ourselves. Stay tuned for another public service announcement in the near future, since we have about four more to go in order to meet court requirements.
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