I'm often approached by the youth of today with a look of amazement and awe filling their tiny, inexperienced eyes. "Wow, Randy," they proclaim, "you must have it all: a successful corporation, a burgeoning career that is constantly pushing the boundaries of internet journalism, and enough cocaine factories to put Columbia out of business." To which I can only reply, "yes, yes I do have it all," before curtly dismissing them with a wave of my hand and then proceeding to ignore them. Kids are so beneath my class level.
Everyone thinks that they have me all figured out, like some kind of already solved Rubix Cube puzzle that you picked up at a garage sale for under a dollar. But you have that look about you, like you cheated, and everyone else knows it. You didn't solve the puzzle; you simply peeled the stickers off and rearranged them in the proper order. I know this because I can see right through you, for I am a part-time purveyor of justice, a contract employee in the world of superheroes and supervillians. I set out to right wrongs and punish the evil doers, but only when I have the time. Yes, I am a crime fighter. And by "crime fighter" I mean I generally stand around and watch as the perp commits his crime and then makes a hasty, bumbling getaway. It's more of a passive, Ghandi kind of crime fighting style. While I won't go so far as to reveal my secret identity to you, one picks up a lot of juicy information while hanging around the super water cooler. (When you become a superhero, everything becomes "super.") Allow me to fill you in on some of the more interesting ones:
Superman used to work as a gas station attendant: Hey, not all of us can be independently wealthy like that Batman fellow. Some of us are just honest, working folk out to make a difference, and we all have to make ends meet. So he used to fill up some cars with gas. Big deal. Well, the big deal is that he got hooked on the fumes and has been fighting his addiction to huffing gas and paint ever since. I walked into the super bathroom one day and there he is, passed out on the floor next to a five gallon gas can and some spray paint. I covered it up and blamed it on Flash. Everyone thinks that guy's an addict anyway. It's always nice to have Superman owe you one.
Fred (from Scooby Doo) is gay: While not a super hero in the classical sense, the Scooby gang does their fair part in fighting crime, even if it's just local crime that none of us in the upper ranks really care about. Hey, someone has to fight fake ghosts and bullies. Anyhoo, yeah, Fred is gay. The handkerchief kind of gives it away. Sure, he's always trying to take one of the two girls with him while the rest split up, but that's really just so he gets Shaggy to notice him. Frankly, we think he can do a lot better and have been trying unsuccessfully to hook him up with Aquaman.
Wonder Woman is really not so wonderful: Truth is, she's kind of a letdown. I mean, the magic rope and tight outfit can only carry you so far before people realize that you're pretty impractical. Just between you and me, she's on her way to being voted out of the league. That softcore film she made isn't helping her rep any, either. In related news, the Incredible Hulk is merely mediocre. Sure he's big and angry, but those are just distractions to the fact that he doesn't do a whole hell of a lot. "Oh, look, I can turn green." Whooptie-doo. So can Plant Man.
Ok, nothing too earth-shattering there, but it's all I can really reveal at this point. Captain America would have my badge if he ever got a whiff of what I was doing here. I'd talk about Spider-Man but it's kind of a sticky situation, so I'll have to keep a closed mouth about that for now. But hey, I have to go. Someone is plotting to take over the world and I have to be there to eatch them get away with it.
Everyone thinks that they have me all figured out, like some kind of already solved Rubix Cube puzzle that you picked up at a garage sale for under a dollar. But you have that look about you, like you cheated, and everyone else knows it. You didn't solve the puzzle; you simply peeled the stickers off and rearranged them in the proper order. I know this because I can see right through you, for I am a part-time purveyor of justice, a contract employee in the world of superheroes and supervillians. I set out to right wrongs and punish the evil doers, but only when I have the time. Yes, I am a crime fighter. And by "crime fighter" I mean I generally stand around and watch as the perp commits his crime and then makes a hasty, bumbling getaway. It's more of a passive, Ghandi kind of crime fighting style. While I won't go so far as to reveal my secret identity to you, one picks up a lot of juicy information while hanging around the super water cooler. (When you become a superhero, everything becomes "super.") Allow me to fill you in on some of the more interesting ones:
Superman used to work as a gas station attendant: Hey, not all of us can be independently wealthy like that Batman fellow. Some of us are just honest, working folk out to make a difference, and we all have to make ends meet. So he used to fill up some cars with gas. Big deal. Well, the big deal is that he got hooked on the fumes and has been fighting his addiction to huffing gas and paint ever since. I walked into the super bathroom one day and there he is, passed out on the floor next to a five gallon gas can and some spray paint. I covered it up and blamed it on Flash. Everyone thinks that guy's an addict anyway. It's always nice to have Superman owe you one.
Fred (from Scooby Doo) is gay: While not a super hero in the classical sense, the Scooby gang does their fair part in fighting crime, even if it's just local crime that none of us in the upper ranks really care about. Hey, someone has to fight fake ghosts and bullies. Anyhoo, yeah, Fred is gay. The handkerchief kind of gives it away. Sure, he's always trying to take one of the two girls with him while the rest split up, but that's really just so he gets Shaggy to notice him. Frankly, we think he can do a lot better and have been trying unsuccessfully to hook him up with Aquaman.
Wonder Woman is really not so wonderful: Truth is, she's kind of a letdown. I mean, the magic rope and tight outfit can only carry you so far before people realize that you're pretty impractical. Just between you and me, she's on her way to being voted out of the league. That softcore film she made isn't helping her rep any, either. In related news, the Incredible Hulk is merely mediocre. Sure he's big and angry, but those are just distractions to the fact that he doesn't do a whole hell of a lot. "Oh, look, I can turn green." Whooptie-doo. So can Plant Man.
Ok, nothing too earth-shattering there, but it's all I can really reveal at this point. Captain America would have my badge if he ever got a whiff of what I was doing here. I'd talk about Spider-Man but it's kind of a sticky situation, so I'll have to keep a closed mouth about that for now. But hey, I have to go. Someone is plotting to take over the world and I have to be there to eatch them get away with it.