Given that the staff here at the P.Net offices are more or less considered celebrities in the world of journalism, it should come as no surprise to you that we get invited to a good number of A-list parties. Yep, pretty much any night of the week you can find us hobnobbing at the local Ramada or Holiday Inn bars. We don't like to brag -- we prefer gloating -- but we're pretty damn important. Hell, they even give us free water whenever we come through the door. During one of our recent gala events, we had a chance to sit down with Will Smith and ask him a few questions. Posted below is the transcript of the interview.
PN: Hey Will, thanks for coming. How's things?
WS: Things are great. Thanks for having me. I'm out and about trying to promote my new movie, "Hitch," which just came out on DVD.
PN: Is that the one where you dress up in a space suit and kill people?
WS: No, it's not. It's about--
PN: And you were recently in Star Wars too, right?
WS: No, I wasn't.
PN: Didn't you used to at least have a TV show?
WS: Yes, I playe-
PN: And they would always go, "MARRTIIN!" We loved that show.
WS: No, that was Martin Lawrence. I played on "The Fresh Prince."
PN: Fresh Prince? Never heard of it. Sounds like a male douche product.
WS: Are you sure you have your information correct?
PN: Hmm, let me check the card here. No space killings, no Star Wars appearance, no people yelling "MARRTIIN!" Hmm, you're also not white.
WS: Of course I'm not white! Where the hell did you get your information? Do you even know who I am?
PN: No, but you don't know who we are either so we thought it a fair exchange. We bought the information off a crazy homeless guy. He said it was quality. You just can't trust the homeless these days.
WS: This is ridiculous. I'm out of here.
PN: Wait, don't go. Let me just get on the computer real quick and see if I can pull up anything about you. I'm sure we can find something to talk about.
WS: Well, about my movie--
PN: Yeah, yeah, your movie. Go ahead and talk about that while we finish up this Google search on you.
WS: The movie is called "Hitch" and I play a date doctor who--
PN: It says here that you help a fat guy get dates.
WS: That's an interesting way to put it but, yes. The movie did well in the theaters and now it's out on DVD.
PN: Do you have a promotional copy we could have?
WS: Sorry, I didn't bring any with me.
PN: So that's how it is. We won't hold it against you this time but we won't conceal our disappointment either. Quid pro quo, Will. Just so you know.
WS: Ok.
PN: Is Peter Weller in that movie?
WS: Peter who?
PN: Peter Weller, the guy who played Robocop. Man, we love him around the office. We're pretty sure he hasn't had decent work in a while since he sleeps in our parking lot and occasionally asks us for change. Deep down inside, we really wish that they would make another Robocop.
WS: I really don't see what this has to do with me.
PN: Yeah, Robocop 4: Part Man, Part Machine, All Business. It could end in some sort of climactic twist where Robocop learns that Dick Jones was really his father. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he'd shout.
WS: I don--
PN: We were pretty sad when Dick Jones died in the first one. He would have made a great recurring character.
WS: What the...
PN: Ok, so here is some stuff about you. Let's see... it says here that you turned down the role of Neo in "The Matrix" to go film "Wild, Wild West." Hah! I bet you regret that now.
WS: I'll admit that I didn't think the movie would work.
PN: It also says here that your wife got a part in the sequels. That's gotta sting.
WS: Not really. We're very supportive of each other.
PN: *cough* Pussy *cough*. Ok, Jeremy from ihatewillsmith.com makes a pretty convincing case for you to stop making music.
WS: Yes, I have a lawsuit pendi--
PN: He really makes it sound like you suck. Do you?
WS: You do realize how interviews are supposed to work, right? And that you're doing quite possibly the worst job ever?
PN: Will, you're being hostile. This thing has to be 50/50 if it's going to work. We don't feel like we're getting that from you but, hey, we're not quitters. We try a little harder than you because we care.
WS: Just ask me the damn questions so I can get out of here.
PN: Will, remember the attitude. We talked about this not 10 seconds ago. Fine, since all you seem to want to talk about is you, let's see. What kind of car are you driving these days?
WS: I just bought a new Hummer H2.
PN: Those are bad for the environment you know. They remind of this crazy homeless guy who drives around in his pinto. He does donuts in the parking lot of K Mart screaming "SAVE THE PLANET!" at the top of his lungs.
WS: Is this the same homeless guy you bought my information off of?
PN: No, different one. We sometimes stop by there on our lunch hour just to watch. It's funny. We think he sleeps there at night.
WS: That's it. I'm out of here.
PN: You can't leave yet, Will!
WS: Why not?
PN: Because we haven't finished off this bottle of Vodka yet and we hate drinking alone.
WS: Go to hell.
PN: Ok Will! Thanks for stopping by. Have fun with your movie, whatever it's called. Call us!
And that wraps up the first edition of our P.Net Celebrity Interviews. More are certain to come as our phones won't stop ringing with people clamoring to set up meetings with us. Haley Joel Osment? Ha! Make another hit movie first, schmuck. Call us back when you're important.
PN: Hey Will, thanks for coming. How's things?
WS: Things are great. Thanks for having me. I'm out and about trying to promote my new movie, "Hitch," which just came out on DVD.
PN: Is that the one where you dress up in a space suit and kill people?
WS: No, it's not. It's about--
PN: And you were recently in Star Wars too, right?
WS: No, I wasn't.
PN: Didn't you used to at least have a TV show?
WS: Yes, I playe-
PN: And they would always go, "MARRTIIN!" We loved that show.
WS: No, that was Martin Lawrence. I played on "The Fresh Prince."
PN: Fresh Prince? Never heard of it. Sounds like a male douche product.
WS: Are you sure you have your information correct?
PN: Hmm, let me check the card here. No space killings, no Star Wars appearance, no people yelling "MARRTIIN!" Hmm, you're also not white.
WS: Of course I'm not white! Where the hell did you get your information? Do you even know who I am?
PN: No, but you don't know who we are either so we thought it a fair exchange. We bought the information off a crazy homeless guy. He said it was quality. You just can't trust the homeless these days.
WS: This is ridiculous. I'm out of here.
PN: Wait, don't go. Let me just get on the computer real quick and see if I can pull up anything about you. I'm sure we can find something to talk about.
WS: Well, about my movie--
PN: Yeah, yeah, your movie. Go ahead and talk about that while we finish up this Google search on you.
WS: The movie is called "Hitch" and I play a date doctor who--
PN: It says here that you help a fat guy get dates.
WS: That's an interesting way to put it but, yes. The movie did well in the theaters and now it's out on DVD.
PN: Do you have a promotional copy we could have?
WS: Sorry, I didn't bring any with me.
PN: So that's how it is. We won't hold it against you this time but we won't conceal our disappointment either. Quid pro quo, Will. Just so you know.
WS: Ok.
PN: Is Peter Weller in that movie?
WS: Peter who?
PN: Peter Weller, the guy who played Robocop. Man, we love him around the office. We're pretty sure he hasn't had decent work in a while since he sleeps in our parking lot and occasionally asks us for change. Deep down inside, we really wish that they would make another Robocop.
WS: I really don't see what this has to do with me.
PN: Yeah, Robocop 4: Part Man, Part Machine, All Business. It could end in some sort of climactic twist where Robocop learns that Dick Jones was really his father. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he'd shout.
WS: I don--
PN: We were pretty sad when Dick Jones died in the first one. He would have made a great recurring character.
WS: What the...
PN: Ok, so here is some stuff about you. Let's see... it says here that you turned down the role of Neo in "The Matrix" to go film "Wild, Wild West." Hah! I bet you regret that now.
WS: I'll admit that I didn't think the movie would work.
PN: It also says here that your wife got a part in the sequels. That's gotta sting.
WS: Not really. We're very supportive of each other.
PN: *cough* Pussy *cough*. Ok, Jeremy from ihatewillsmith.com makes a pretty convincing case for you to stop making music.
WS: Yes, I have a lawsuit pendi--
PN: He really makes it sound like you suck. Do you?
WS: You do realize how interviews are supposed to work, right? And that you're doing quite possibly the worst job ever?
PN: Will, you're being hostile. This thing has to be 50/50 if it's going to work. We don't feel like we're getting that from you but, hey, we're not quitters. We try a little harder than you because we care.
WS: Just ask me the damn questions so I can get out of here.
PN: Will, remember the attitude. We talked about this not 10 seconds ago. Fine, since all you seem to want to talk about is you, let's see. What kind of car are you driving these days?
WS: I just bought a new Hummer H2.
PN: Those are bad for the environment you know. They remind of this crazy homeless guy who drives around in his pinto. He does donuts in the parking lot of K Mart screaming "SAVE THE PLANET!" at the top of his lungs.
WS: Is this the same homeless guy you bought my information off of?
PN: No, different one. We sometimes stop by there on our lunch hour just to watch. It's funny. We think he sleeps there at night.
WS: That's it. I'm out of here.
PN: You can't leave yet, Will!
WS: Why not?
PN: Because we haven't finished off this bottle of Vodka yet and we hate drinking alone.
WS: Go to hell.
PN: Ok Will! Thanks for stopping by. Have fun with your movie, whatever it's called. Call us!
And that wraps up the first edition of our P.Net Celebrity Interviews. More are certain to come as our phones won't stop ringing with people clamoring to set up meetings with us. Haley Joel Osment? Ha! Make another hit movie first, schmuck. Call us back when you're important.