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Get Your HS Degree
05.17.2005 | 10:41 AM

Author: RP
Score: 0/5 (0 Votes)


As is sometimes the occasion here at the P.Net campus, we like to let our hair down and loosen up a bit.  Usually Gerry from Sales takes this to mean he can start doing lines of coke on his Secretary, but he's a good earner so we let it slide.  No, what it really means is that occasionally we turn on the radio to whatever random pop culture station takes our fancy that day.  Research found that it really boosts productivity.  Much to our dismay, we tuned in right as an hour stretch of commercials began.  This is normally where we tune out and go get jelly beans but one ad caught our attention: a blurb advertising college courses that allow you to get a degree in Homeland Security.  Now, I didn't even know that was something you could take at college but it sounds fashionable and trendy.  Not to be outdone, memos began flying all around the P.Net offices, including that little remote office we have in Germany.  "This sounds like a market we need to tap into."  So, in a joint effort between the P.Net Bureau of Worthless Documents and the P.Net Department That Issues Such Things, we now offer you the opportunity to earn your very own degree in Homeland Security!  This powerful college degree will empower you to be more confident and successful in the workplace.

Did you not get a job you thought you were more than qualified for?  Did they hire someone you don't like in your place?  Use your new degree to label the whole company as terrorists!  Not only can you give them bad PR, you can potentially tie them up in either litigation or criminal charges.  The choice is yours!

Is your resume not quite up to snuff?  Do you wish you had more applicable experience than you really do?  Well, with the power of your new degree in HS, you now have the ability to lie right through your teeth.  This course, taught by Professor Condolezza Rice, teaches you the ability to lie without thinking, regardless of whether it makes any rational sense or not.  Bolster your resume with all kinds of outrageous claims -- who's going to check them?

Are you a motivated individual, a real go-getter?  This degree will change all that!  Responsibility and accountability are a thing of the past once you have your Homeland Security degree.  People will continue to expect a lot out of you but if you fail to miss the mark, who cares?  Simply show them your new degree as proof that you're on to something, whether it really matters or not.  Live life on a whim and do whatever you please.  There's virtually no consequence that lying or neglect won't get you out of.

These, of course, are just a few of the benefits that can be gained from obtaining your degree in Homeland Security.  Prices are about as low as the terror level so enroll now!  Operators at the P.Net School For Supposed Higher Education are standing by to assist you.  Call today and become the better person that today's Republic demands of you!

 
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User Comments On This Topic (12 Total)
 


RE: Get Your HS Degree (#756)
By: The Riz Revolution on May 17, 2005 (2:02 PM) PST

Hey, as long as I get that free cap gun and the pair of extra large fishnet pantyhose, Im in!
RE: Get Your HS Degree (#757)
By: John Ashcroft on May 17, 2005 (2:20 PM) PST

You know, as the former US Attorney General I fully endorse the youth of America to take full advantage of this degree! Terrorism is no joking matter! So in an effort to reduce the possibility of a future attack from the dozens of countries we have pissed off. You now have the opportunity to take action into your own hands while at the same time earning exemption from the PATRIOT Act!
This course has a great deal to offer. You will you become well versed in the denial of accountability tactics often used by our Comm.& Chief! Learn how to specialize your "Great White Elk" hiding abilities, JUST LIKE DICK! You’ll only have to show up so people still know you’re alive. But WAIT! If you act now and attend our special condensed summer course, you can hone your ass kissing skills personally developed and perfected by yours truly and Condi Rice! You'll be able to advance from general office ass kiss all the way to burying your lips so deep in your supervisor’s ass, you can pull out an entire ear of corn in less than one presidential term!
RE: Get Your HS Degree (#758)
By: RP on May 17, 2005 (3:49 PM) PST

Dear Mr. Ashcroft,

I have compromising pictures of you and the white house dog.  Stop ignoring my phone calls or I post them.

Respectfully,
RP
RE: Get Your HS Degree (#761)
By: Rizzo on May 18, 2005 (2:20 PM) PST

HEY, dont talk about Cheney's homo daughter that way!
RE: Get Your HS Degree (#762)
By: RP on May 19, 2005 (11:46 AM) PST

Apparently she had a fight with her dad and now she doesn't like Dick.
RE: Get Your HS Degree (#764)
By: Star Wars 3 Sucked! on May 20, 2005 (12:04 PM) PST

That's a horrible joke! That's worse than - A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.
RE: Get Your HS Degree (#765)
By: Didnt Star Wars I & II suck to on May 20, 2005 (12:24 PM) PST

ha-ha, Gateway drug....
RE: Get Your HS Degree (#766)
By: J. Edgar Hoover on May 20, 2005 (4:00 PM) PST

Marijuana is absolutly evil and you will be destroyed for you star wars blasphemy.
RE: Get Your HS Degree (#767)
By: On a crap scale of 1 to 10.... on May 20, 2005 (4:56 PM) PST

On a crap scale of 1 to 10....SW III ranks an 11. You see, all other crap movies go to 10. But this....this goes to 11.

SW 1 & 2 can eat a 15 gallon bag of dried chode. Normally I'd apologize for babbling my opinion on a bunch of strangers. But we must face the facts. Lucas is nothing more than a tool and a whore! *oh boy* he finished the story. my life is complete...i can die happy*!* Yeah, real friggin difficult highering a buttload of C.G. guys blowing 2/3 of your budget trying to out do LOTR (which used his sound studios and produced a better product) and having some really good actors (that I normally have respect for) spit out some of the crapiest dialogue I've ever heard. End result: CRAP.
RE: Get Your HS Degree (#768)
By: Boba Fett on May 23, 2005 (11:33 AM) PST

bring back the miniatures and the puppets, 10 guys in a Jabba the Hutt suit, witty-slick Haan solo, and you have a winner! CG Lucas blows!
RE: Get Your HS Degree (#769)
By: Johnny The Hutt on May 23, 2005 (2:12 PM) PST

Did you know Willow was the main Ewok? Just just saw that on TV.
RE: Get Your HS Degree (#770)
By: AJ on May 24, 2005 (4:00 AM) PST

One the Scale of 1 to Crap.... dude, he did the writing for the dialogue. It should of been a collaboration. Just like with Episode II. I would of liked it alot more had the whole dialogue not been so dreadfully painful. I do hope its not as horrid, at least the Padme-Anakin stuff, as in Episode II, that'd be sad.... very sad...