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| 03.28.2007 - Elevator Etiquette (PNG #6) | 2:58 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 4/5 (2 Votes) |
| Elevators are, for me, as I suspect for many of you, a frequent occurrence
in your everyday lives. Some of you may ride in them to get home or
have the occasion to use them while at work, while some of you simply
use it for leisure because you have a perverse altitude fetish and are also
somewhat of a cheapskate. Regardless of how you choose to use it,
the fact remains that you do use it and, if the imaginary numbers that I just
came up with to support my data are correct, you are probably a part of
the large percentage of people who use elevators poorly.
Now, if you're a person of at least average intelligence who has at least
seen a two story office building that wasn't a farmhouse twice in the past,
you might be asking yourself, "how on earth could you possibly use an
elevator poorly?" Trust me, I used to wonder the same thing. Of
course, I also used to wonder why the Make-A-Wish Foundation didn't call on
itself and simply wish for no more terminally ill children so perhaps that
not exactly a good barometer for which to judge good questions. While
on the surface the elevator concept may appear straight forward to some, to
others it's just as difficult as third grade math or understanding Canadians.
These people are not using the elevator properly and could benefit from this guide.  | |
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Here at the P.Net Corporation, we like to think that we put the "unity" in
community, which is why we got together and forced some indentured servants
to compile this guide on "Elevator Etiquette" while we sat around and threw
garbage at their heads until it was finished. After reading this guide,
you will be completely up to speed on what is involved in riding in an
elevator properly, hopefully without pissing us off. It's a complex
topic so be sure to read it really slow, pausing after the big words so that
your brain has time to let them sink in. And without futher ado, let
us journey into the latest edition of the P.Net Guides!
The Official P.Net Guidebook To Elevator Etiquette
Elevators. They go up. They go down. Elevators will get
you where you need to go fast, provided that you need to go in either of
the aforementioned directions. Elevators don't go sideways. Elevators
were first invented in 1935 by Robbie O'Leary, a cripple, who was tired of
the lack of handicapped access in his 50 story apartment building. Of
course, handicapped people weren't invented until the late 1950's so pretty
much everyone else just thought Robbie was being lazy. He was later
hit in the head with a stray frisbee and lost his will to live, which
subsequently caused him to not do just that. Robbie may have
misplaced his life but his bi-directional mechanical wonder continues to
live on, helping millions of obese people avoid the use of stairs each and every day.
With Robbie's sudden passing, the elevator was left with no common
instruction set and thus its usage still remains a mystery to the majority
of the population, similar to how the act of proper driving remains a
mystery to most of the asian population. If you are one of this
"vast majority," fret not, for the ultimate guide to elevator etiquette
and behavior is here. By reading, absorbing, and following the
simple rules outlined below, even you can begin using the elevator to it's
full potential, all without managing to piss off everyone else riding
with you. There are no gimmicks or tricks! It really is
this easy.
Rule #1: If you're going to enter into the elevator and choose to stand
directly in front of the panel of buttons, at least be courteous enough
to ask the person getting in behind you what floor they want instead of
glaring at them when they reach for their own button because you're an
insecure pervert and you think that they are reaching for your genitals.
If someone else trying to use the elevator properly is causing
you discomfort, why not try pushing the button to your floor and moving
to the other side of the elevator? You know, the one without the
flashing panel of buttons that is attracting every newcomer. The
only exception to this rule is if you're employed as a bellhop in training,
in which case you're doing a poor job. You get paid to wear the
funny outfit and push the buttons, not to inconvenience me and give me
dirty looks.
If this man is on your elevator, avoid getting on.  | |
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Rule #2: Please stop trying to make funny jokes or small talk to
other strangers in the elevator. We're only going up a few floors;
we're not going on vacation together. While I do realize that
me walking into the elevator with an arm full of groceries may seem like
a wise time to make a "looks like someone went shopping!" comment, it's
really not. I'm well aware of what I was doing prior to getting
in the elevator and I don't really need you to reiterate it back to me.
Should you persist in opening your mouth to state the obvious
again, I am going to beat you with a sock full of nickels until your
face looks like the bottom of my shoe after I've stepped in a fresh
piece of bubble gum. The only exception to this rule is if you're
a male and the stranger is a hot female. Guys, keep on making asses
out of yourselves while in the elevator -- it's only increasing the
chances for the rest of us.
Rule #3: Please do not attempt to re-enact the Civil War while inside
the elevator. While I am pretty sure that no one has yet attempted
this, it does bear mention here simply in case someone does try it.
You can't say I didn't tell you it was a bad idea from the outset.
Besides, I'm quite certain that no one west of Kansas really gives
a damn about the Civil War. We prefer to remember the Alamo instead.
Rule #4: When inside the elevator, learn to pay attention to what floor you
need to get off on and what floor the elevator is actually stopping on.
Note that it's possible for the two to be different depending on the
amount of occupants your current elevator has. While I realize that
counting is hard and that reading something that counts for you is even
harder, you should realize that riding in an elevator is a priviledge
which you have to earn. If you just got into an elevator on the tenth
floor and you know that you have to exit in the lobby, it's common sense
to think that it'll take the elevator a little while to get down there.
If the ride seems a little too quick, you're probably getting ready
to get off on the wrong floor. Aside from AIDS, there isn't much in
this world more funny than watching some jackass stride off the elevator
with purpose and then uttering "whoops!" as they realize they exited four
floors early. That's enough to buy you a long trip down the stairs,
fella.
Wow, you can teach an old woman new tricks.  | |
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Rule #5: Prior to actually entering the elevator, you should also make a
mental note as to whether you need to go up or down and plan your
elevator entry accordingly. While this may sound elementary to most,
you know, given the fact that they are all kinds of blinking lights and
arrows pointed in the direction that the elevator is going, it still
happens about as frequently as a redneck showers, which is to say every
now and again. If I am waiting for the elevator on the bottom
floor and you decide not to get off after it picks me up, I know you
fucked up and didn't pay attention. This gives me license to laugh
and spit on you for the duration of the trip or until I get tired,
depending on how long the ride is. Also, please don't try and hide it behind
that "I wanted to ride the elevator down and then back up because that is
what I do for exercise" look because it isn't working. You're a
moron, plain and simple.
Having read the five rules outlined above, you should be well on your way to
a successful elevator experience. If you feel like you may not be
fully prepared for the task that proper elevator etiquette presents you,
please demote yourself back to using the stairs. Once you have
fully mastered those, feel free to move on to the "moving stairs" that they
have at the mall. This will get you used to vertical lift without
the use of complicated buttons and directions. After you have mastered
that, please re-read this guide again and prepare for the exciting new world
of enclosed lift-off. It's the closest that someone as dumb as you will
ever get to a space launch! Viva la vertical! |
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| 06.07.2006 - Societal Interaction (PNG #5) | 11:03 AM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 5/5 (1 Votes) |
| If you really sit down and think about it, life isn't all that fair to most people. As babies, we are thrust into this world with no clothes, no brains, and absolutely no knowledge of what to do next. We're not given any kind of instructions or directions as to how we proceed or what lies ahead. A lot of people simply adopt a motto of "learn through experience" but that's just a load of crap that Scientologists use to sell more copies of Dianetics and has absolutely no basis in reality.
The truth is that a lot of us in the world today could benefit from some kind of life instruction manual, a guide to helping the more socially inept amongst us to better prosper through a wide variety of situations which they will likely encounter at some point before they die. Whether you'd like to believe it or not, you are one of those people. You, the future Darwin award winner, are quite likely to fail at life without my help and this is where I step in. I'm not asking for money or personal glory -- I already have both of those. Rather, I am simply asking you to better yourself which will, in turn, better my life experience because I will no longer have to deal with the person that you used to be. You, the person will wait up to ten minutes for someone to drive away so that you can take their parking spot. You, the person who just ordered a super-sized extra value meal but opted to get a diet coke because you're watching your weight. Fret not because all of that is about to change. Allow me to present to you this simple guide; a mental journey detailing how to handle life situations properly and not screw everything up like you're prone to do.
The Official P.Net Guidebook To Societal Interaction
My uncle was always fond of telling me what he considered to be the golden rule of life: don't worry about the stuffing in the teddy bear. I have no idea what that meant or why he considered it a golden rule, but my uncle was also crazy so I suppose that may have something to do with it. On more than one occasion, I would come home early to find him in the living room, painted like a zebra, masturbating furiously to pictures of owls and other woodland creatures. What does all of this have to do with you? Nothing... yet.
You see, it's people like my uncle that made me realize just how screwed up the world is and how most people simply don't grasp that they have no clue how to live life. Me? I've been living life for twenty-seven years so I think that I am more than a little qualified to talk about the subject. I have been all over the world, from Japan to Amsterdam; I have seen Governments toppled and even overthrown a few princely regimes myself. You simply haven't lived until you've been a part of a coup. But look at me, I'm getting all off track.
The thing about life is that everyone just assumes that you know what you're doing. There is no rulebook to life, no DMV-like driving test to question whether you really know what is going on. No, life is all about these unspoken rules that everyone has and you're just supposed to magically figure them out. Well, how are you going to figure them out if no one tells you? I am going to go out on a limb here and break the silence that we've all been hoarding. Me, as an expert in all matters of life and the silly situations contained within, throughout the course of this guide, will be walking you through various real-life scenarios in an effort to help train you to be a better person. I do this because I care, not necessarily about you but I'm pretty sure that I care about something.
Each scenario that I present will have a scenario outline followed by an "unacceptable" response, an "acceptable" response, and an "alternatively acceptable" response. Life is all about choice and I am here to make sure you do the right one so that you don't further piss me off and send me into 'roid rage whereby I begin to beat you about the head with whatever tool is readily available. By following what is outlined in these easy-to-read but entirely common everyday scenarios, you're be more than ready to become a productive member of soceity.
Scenario One:
Outline: For whatever reason (and through no small amount of luck), you finally manage to bag a date with the opposite sex. Things are going surprisingly well so far, largely because she hasn't noticed that you have problems chewing your food and that you drool uncontrollably. About mid-way through dinner, she lets it slip that she is totally into playing games.
Unacceptable response: Begin to excitedly exclaim that you love playing games as well and that you own every single video game console ever made. You talk in animated detail about your latest game purchase, Super Furry Fighter Ball Brothers for the Xbox920, and how you are about to find the Dragon Sword which will unlock the magic rope.
Acceptable response: Explain to her that you also like to play games and that your favorite one is called Astronaut. Place a plastic bag over her head and securely fasten it around her neck. Alternate between repeating "You're in space!" and making Star Trek sounds. Additionally, throwing her around the room at this point really helps sell the anti-gravity angle.
Alternate response: Quickly change the topic and begin discussing your extensive adult movie collection. Be sure to explicitly mention that one film where that one guy does that thing with the candle. It looks painful but you're strangely intrigued.
Outcome: She will walk away from dinner thinking that you are a man of culture and experience as opposed to some nerd who sits around and plays video games all day.
Scenario Two:
Outline: You are driving down the highway and notice a filthy and unkempt man standing on the side of the road. This man has his thumb sticking out and is carrying a sign that says "Delaware or bust."
Unacceptable response: Pass the man slowly and pull over to the side of the road. When the dirty hippie comes to your window, roll it down and politely explain to him that while you are not going anywhere near Delaware, you can take him to the next highway junction and perhaps he would have better luck finding a ride there. He gets in your car and you do exactly what you said you'd do.
Acceptable response: Same as above except when he comes to your window and asks if you're going to Delaware, tell him yes, despite the fact that you are going in the opposite direction. When he gets into your car, accidentally spill your scalding hot coffee on his lap and laugh at his pain. He'll stick with you at this point because he has nowhere else to go. Continue to verbally berate him and his heritage for the length of the trip. Drop him off whenever you get tired of his constant whining about being tied up and casually mention that you've just driven him 100 miles in the wrong direction. Laugh some more and then throw a rattlesnake at his face.
Alternate response: Ignore the hitchhiker. Accelerate in speed and be sure to clip him with your side mirror as you drive by to prove the point that you simply don't have time to be inconvenienced. Spraying dirt or mud in his face is added plus.
Outcome: He will realize how wrong he was for trying to interrupt whatever important errand you were on your way to running. In order to make amends, he will track you down and mow your lawn for free for the rest of his miserable life while you sip lemonade from your lawn chair and whip him occasionally when he isn't working hard enough.
Scenario Three:
Outline: You are attending a house party with some friends. This is quite the shindig and everyone who is anyone is there. You consider yourself lucky to be there and are trying to make the most of the experience. As you return to the kitchen to grab another Mike's Hard Lemonade. a group of people notice you as you come in and approach you, asking if you know where to score any drugs.
Unacceptable response: Proudly proclaim that drugs are evil and that you would never touch them in a million years. Also make mention that you come from a long line of law enforcement officials and that you are tempted to call the local sheriff and have the party shut down on the grounds of all the illicit activities that are going on. Ask each of the people in the group their full name and suggest that they look into getting treatment.
Acceptable response: Pull out that syringe of heroin that you keep around "just in case" and proudly display what you consider "the good shit." After the oohs and ahhs have died down, jam the rusty needle into your eyesocket and inject the heroin directly into your eyeball just to show them how hardcore you really are. Also, tell them that if they want to play, they have to pay. Actual payment is up to you but it could be monetary or perhaps you might be able to shag someone's sister.
Alternate response: Tell them that while you don't have any drugs on you, you know a few connections in town and can easily score whatever it is they need. Ask them to follow you outside and when they have their backs turned, knock all of them out cold with that baseball bat that no one noticed you were carrying. Rifle through their pockets and steal all of their money. Also, urinate on them if you feel the situation warrants it.
Outcome: When they wake up, their heads will hurt and they will smell like pee, exactly what a night of drug usage feels like. They won't be the wiser that you never actually provided them with anything and they will grant you "instant cool" status. That doesn't really mean anything in the real world but you shouldn't let something like that get you down.
Congratulations! You are on your way to the top now! Obviously, there are way too many scenarios in life to cover in one simple guide such as this. However, what I have provided here are the foundations of helping you build a better life. By using what you have learned in these easy steps, you can apply these teachings to new scenarios which you may stumble across and come out looking like a true champion. Women will flock and men will stare in envy, so prepare yourself for some overdue attention. It's a bit unnerving at first -- and you have the deal with likes of B-list celebrities such as Ben Affleck calling you constantly to hang out, but life is all about getting used to new things. Tell Ben to go fuck himself and enjoy that caviar. You've earned it. |
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| 11.11.2005 - Mastering Kidnapping & Ransom (PNG #4) | 5:27 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 0/5 (0 Votes) |
| I don't know about you but as I get older, mornings just seem to get worse and worse. I used to think that it was because I eat wood chips before going to sleep or the fact that I frequently wet the bed, but even after switching to a no-bark diet and wearing diapers to bed, it persisted. It, the one constant in my morning, translated roughly in an ancient African dialect means pain. Pain. Not the kind of pain a three day vodka binge brings nor the kind of pain that a few aspirin and some crystal meth will cure. The raw, unadulterated pain of knowing that there are people in this world who are not quite as fortunate as I am.
Now, on most normal occasions, the suffering of other people bothers me none. In fact, I think I find some kind of subtle joy in the misery of people I don't know or like, kind of like receiving that really great Christmas gift that you always wanted, and I am not sure why this is different. Maybe it's because deep down, I want to care. In fact, I dressed up as a humanitarian for Halloween this year and it was a big hit at all the parties. Or perhaps it's just a part of growing up, realizing the need to check your unbridled hatred for the mass of humanity and, like butter, churn it into something delicious and fattening that everyone can enjoy.
Having said all that, it's time to open up the vast vault of knowledge called my brain and assist those who are less fortunate with another installment of the P.Net Guides. In the past we have tackled such gripping topics as summer barbecues and the use and impact of technology on our daily lives. These world renown guides have sold more than 8 trillion copies and that is just in the state of Idaho alone! What's next on the agenda? Why, a way to make you money, of course! We here in the PNC Guide Writing Department present you with a foolproof way to increase your revenue stream with a minimal amount of work. Don't be fooled: this is no get rich quick scheme or late night infomercial. We are Pollestad.net and you know you can trust what we say. So strap yourselves in and bring a friend because we're proud to present:
The Official P.Net Guidebook To Mastering Kidnapping & Ransom
Imagine for a second, if you will, this scenario: you're young, dashingly handsome or pretty, rich, and living out your wildest dreams as you cruise the world aboard your custom yacht. Now, imagine that scenario on fire and crashing down to Earth like a hijacked 747. That is not you. You? You're poor; you eat dirt for breakfast and lick urine spatter off the floor of the bathroom for sustenance. You hate your life because everyone around you is successful and leading a full life. The only time you've ever been full was the one time you got lucky and stumbled upon a crate of rotten eggs which you consumed because you hadn't eaten in nearly a week. This is you, but it doesn't have to be.
My name is Randy Pollestad and I am here to guide you into a better world. I have eight masters degrees from various well accredited universities and am a key player in most international stock markets. I know money. I also know how to help you make money and make that money fast. Most people would lead you to believe that with a little hard work and some elbow grease, you can be and do anything you set your mind to. These people are known collectively in my circles as idiots. Everyone knows that there is no such thing as elbow grease and if your elbow does emit a grease, that's just disgusting and you need to quarantine yourself from humanity forever.
No, my friends, the real road to riches lies in working off the profits of others and using their success and influence to your advantage. Armed robbery? Risky. Breaking and entering? Not with today's handgun laws. The real gem lies in mastering the arts of kidnapping and ransom and utilizing these arts in a way that makes you a profit. Who the hell wants to slave over a fast food grill all day? Certainly not I.
Now, don't go running off and start kidnapping the first person that you see. That is stupid and we don't teach stupidity here. A lot of amateur wanna-bes think that they know and have seen it all; that Hollywood has taught them everything they need to know in order to make a successful kidnapping. These people are stupid. You are not. I know that because you took the time to purchase this guide and are, hopefully, making an attempt to read it thoroughly and not grinding it up and using it as garnish for your ice cream.
There can be a fair amount of prep work involved prior to the actual act of kidnapping, though this will certainly vary from person to person based on who you know. You must first choose your target. This initial step is key to making sure the whole thing goes smoothly and puts you on the fast track to riches. You must first make sure that this person is rich or, in the least, richer than you. Kidnapping someone who is broke is stupid. Secondly, you must choose someone who is not replaceable or won't be easily missed. For example, when kidnapping children, you should always choose the youngest and never go with the oldest. If at all possible, you should always avoid kidnapping teenagers. It's a proven fact that parents are out of touch with 97.4% of all teenagers and thus feel like they have already lost them.
"Honey, John has been kidnapped!"
"A shame, but he has been beyond our reach for years."
"Sad, but true."
Another important factor in selecting your source of income is that you will want to be sure to kidnap someone that people like, someone who is personable. It would do you no good to kidnap a loser since it poses a problem of contacting someone who will actually pay the ransom. Additionally, should the target be personable, it makes the hostage portion of the kidnapping much more tolerable and perhaps even mentally stimulating as they try to break you down with prisoner small talk. The last point to make has already been mentioned but it bears repeating because without it, you are lost. Always do your homework and make sure that there is someone with a considerable revenue stream that is available to pay the ransom. Do background and financial checks on proposed payees. There is nothing worse than kidnapping a "new money" victim and having all the family money tied up in junk bonds and tupperware parties. Tupperware parties are stupid.
The actual act of kidnapping is a difficult one to approach given the multitude of possibilities available. Depending on your region and target, kidnapping could be extremely easy or terribly difficult. We can provide some base hints for accomplishing what you need to do but a lot of this is just going to have to be left up to your best judgement. If possible, choose someplace crowded and noisy. The more people, the fewer who will notice. Don't be conspicuous. Don't drive a creepy broken down van that screams child molester because people will notice. Find a way to subdue your target to avoid potential screaming. Our personal favorite around here is a quick club to the back of the skull and using the old "my buddy had a little too much to drink" excuse as you drag them away. This is particularly effective in Las Vegas.
Once you've accomplished your deed, hopefully you have a nice safe place to hide out in with ample grazing room for your new hostage. We don't recommend kidnapping special needs or overweight people as they tend to be too demanding. Handicappers are ok because the wheelchairs make them easy to move around. Some perpetrators prefer being mean to the hostage and doing vicious things while in captivity. We don't condone this. It never hurts to be nice and you can always hope for a case of Stockholm Syndrome in rare cases. Who knows, you may find a partner for life! You should be using this time to gain background information on your hostage and making a plan for the ransom call. If you know the person well, you can probably do this in advance making any type of interrogation unnecessary.
So, you have a hostage, a safe house, and a desire for some serious cash. What's next? The ransom call, of course! Calling from random payphones that are not strategically located right next to your house is a good idea. You will want your safe house to stay as safe as possible. Calling from most convenience stores and/or additional places with video cameras is stupid. Anything to disguise your voice is also a good idea. We recommend helium or novacain. Lastly, be firm and persistent when you make your call. Chances are you will eventually have to speak to a hostage negotiator or a kidnapping specialist and these people know their stuff. It helps to have what you want to say already written down and rehearse your lines before each call. No one likes a blubbering idiot.
Hopefully by now you've made a few calls, agreed on a nice hefty ransom sum, and are prepping for the drop to be made. This step is key in a number of ways: one, it's where you get to finally collect on your hard work and two, it's where you are most vulnerable. This is where 77.9% of all kidnapping attempts fail and that's a stat I just made up. There are a number of ways to elude detection, some of which include wide open spaces and some other wide open spaces. Cops hide pretty good so you'll want to make sure the drop is made in something we call a "wide open space" so you'll know if the payee didn't come alone. Another varient on this "wide open space" is something that those of us in the trade call "the desert." Learn to use these terms.
A lot of this is going to have to be left to your best judgement because of the varying situations that could arise, but we've provided two possible drop scenarios which you may be able to use to build ideas of your own. The easiest (and expensive) way to secure funding is to simply rent a helicopter pilot to fly in and pick up the payee. You will not be on the helicopter of course, because that would be stupid. Once the helicopter is airborn, any ground units lose the ability to track you and the only other option is a second helicopter. Having shaken most of the police force, have your pilot travel to a pre-determined spot while the payee simply drops the bag over the side, hopefully with you standing on the ground watching it fall. The helicopters fly off and you make off with the loot. Or you can simply hire a homeless person to impersonate you and make the drop for you.
Since you've made it this far, hopefully you now have some idea of how a successful kidnapping should go. There are a number of variations and situations that can arise and there is no possible way that this guide could cover them all. However, using the steps outlined in this guide, you should be able to build on what we have presented and be able to work through just about any scenario that arises. You'll be on the autobahn to riches and fortune in no time. But Randy, you say, once I am rich and famous, how do I stop other aspiring kidnappers from using these same tactics on me? The answer really is quite simple: no one ever kidnaps ugly people. If you're ugly, you have nothing to worry about. If you're not ugly, use some of your newfound cash to make yourself so. Ugliness: it's your only hope. |
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| I'm not sure whether it's the sight, sound, or smell, but there is something inexplicable about the way that technology has a stanglehold over our society, drawing us ever closer like grandma's warm bosom during a Thanksgiving hug. This stranglehold is like a vicious vulcan pinch performed by a karate master upon the metaphorically collective neck of our being. I'm not quite sure what that last sentence meant; I simply copied it verbatim from some cheesy sci-fi magazine featuring a scantily-clad woman and some fool in a one-piece jumpsuit battling an army of octopus people on the cover. Clearly outnumbered and nothing but a futuristic laser death gun thing to save them, they are likely to meet their imminent destruction at the tentacles of a distant alien race. Or will they? Hell if I know; they want me to buy another five issues before I find out what happened. I might be stupid but I am no sucker. No siree.
The ironic thing concerning the cartel-like power that technology hoards over us is that we are forced to use it every single day and yet only a chosen few truly understand how it works. We generally call these chosen few people "nerds" or "geeks" and spend every single opportunity that we can finding new ways to torture and mock them because it helps us feel better about our own inadequacies. It's the same reason why we beat our children or smoke opiates in the park with homeless people. Well, maybe that last part is just me. Ok, so I got a little off-track there. The point that I was trying to make was that the majority of our current population fails to grasp or understand technology, despite being chained to it like Leia was to Jabba in that movie with the Skywalker guy, and that is just inexcusable.
If we are ever going to take our lives back from the machines that control them, we have to fight back; we have to understand what makes them tick and learn to harness their power for our own selfish desires. To make a long introduction short, we here at the PNC Campus feel that as geniuses in all things, we have a duty -- nay, a responsibility -- to help out our fellow citizens in need. We've been doing a lot of milling around lately, perfecting our origami skills and trying to brainstorm ways that we can step in and help. Unfortunately, aside from kidnapping everyone on the planet and forcing them into eternal servitude, we were unable to come up with anything really useful. Since thinking isn't really our collective strongsuit, we decided to do what we do second best, namely drink and drop LSD until the walls melted. As we were all coming down a few days later, we decided that we couldn't stand around and just do nothing. That wouldn't be fair to everyone who made us who we are today. So we sat down and did nothing because no one made us who we are -- we were simply created great. Shortly after that, some hippie came up and asked for a quarter so we beat him senseless with his own shoes and cut his hair.
Still, whether it was our bloodstained clothing or the fact that Jimmy glued the cut hippie hair to his bald head, the senseless and beaten man really got us thinking again. Sure, we as a group may not be able to physically reach out and help everyone, largely because we don't care, but we could do something that would empower you to help yourselves; to embody you with the knowledge that you can stand up and fight against your technology overlords, to help you understand what you were up against. God help us; we decided to write a brief guide to help you understand how you can help yourself to understand technology. Or something along those lines. Welcome, ladies and gentleman. Read on and save yourself.
The Official P.Net Guidebook To Grabbing Technology By The Nuts (And Bolts)
It's present day and there you are, still hand-tilling your farm fields, storing money under the mattress, and using a horse to get to and from town. Basically, you're Amish. And then it hits you, a wave of recognition, like you just realized that you pissed all over yourself while sleeping. A tsunami of technology washes over you, bathing you in all it's high-tech glory and you don't understand a damn lick of it. You're behind the power curve and that skinny, pale kid from high school that used to talk to his transistors is the CEO of his own company. It's not that technology failed to adapt to you, it's that you failed to adapt to technology. Technology never set out to not like you. Still, not many have the natural skillset to befriend technology; you have to understand where it came from in order to be able to understand where it is going.
Technology was first encountered on planet Earth by a German farmer named Heinz Katchup in 1956 while he was tending to his banana crops. By his account, a giant fireball shot out of the sky and landed with a ferocious thud on top of his wife who was tending to a sick donkey at the time. The egg-shaped capsule, once opened, contained a man-size machine and instructions on how to activate and operate the "Johnny-Five" model of robot. Despite being a bumpkin, the farmer was easily able to power on the robot, upon which it spent the next fifteen minutes doing donuts in the dirt yelling "J-5 is alive!" Unable to quiet the raving robot, the farmer proceeded to try and shoot it but only served to enrage J-5 further. The farmer was summarily mauled to death by J-5's go-go-gadget knife-like claws. Eventually captured by the U.N., J-5, upon duplication, became a huge hit with the Italian mafia because of his ability to crunch both numbers and people in seconds. Shortly thereafter, technology was everywhere. People had flying cars, flying microwaves, flying houses, and even flying pigs. We now use technology everyday, whether we're flying to or from work or using our ray guns to fight futuristic gang battles on distant planets. Still, just as it enables, it also cripples.
On the surface, technology might seem fairly intimidating and I can see you telling yourself that you'll never be able to grasp it all. Don't fret; this is a PNC guide -- it's made for stupid people like you to understand! To start, we'll begin with something simple, something you're probably already familiar with. One of the first key steps in looking like you know what technology is all about is the ability to use acronyms. Technology is all about acronyms and everyone involved in technology throws acronyms about like they were swear words at a bar. PC, ATM, DSL, TCP, OSI, OSS, AOL, STD, ATL, NYC, MOONMAN. Ok, we just made that last one up but we wanted to keep you on your toes. The thing to remember about acronyms (and thus securing your first steps in the world of technology) is that there are so many, no one person knows them all. If you start feeling yourself getting overwhelmed, simply make up a new one and blurt it out to the first person you meet. Sure, they might look at you like you're crazy, but you can sleep well that night knowing that they know that you know.
Acronyms, unfortunately, are just the tip of the technology iceberg and while speaking the lingo is important, it's wont help you solve any practical issues with using and overcoming technology. Technology implementations are everywhere and you no doubt use them on a daily basis. They bring us convenience and make more mundane tasks easier to do. ATM machines are great -- unless you're poor -- as they provide us easy access to cash on nearly every street corner and marketplace. Computers have also invaded our lives, enriching our entertainment and helping us to further our educations. There have been some rare incidents where computers have attacked people, killing them with ejected cd-rom discs or choking them with power cables, but it's pretty much common knowledge that those people deserved it. Unless you have some kind of perverse aversion to hot food, microwaves are also pretty neat but they shouldn't be used as devices with which to cook friends and family. People don't take too kindly to being baked in a microwave.
Computers are complex, an intricate design of cables and crap that no one really understands. A large part of this guide will be devoted to helping explain what makes up a computer and how they really work, given that they are so prevalent in society today. At it's core, the computer consists of a central processing chip, often called the dorito or frito depending on what model you have. This chip is not edible and you shouldn't lick it while the power is on; stick to batteries and frogs. This non-edible chip is kind of like the brain of the computer, allowing it to be real finicky and make conscious descisions like whether it likes you today or not. If your computer chip woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, it's advisable that you do not attempt to force it's cooperation in helping you. It'd just as soon hit you and watch you suffer. Seated next to the frito chip are generally rows of computer memory called RAM. The memory and computer chip work in conjunction, sort of like a Laurel and Hardy comedy duo. Sometimes they get into fights and the synergy between them is lost. Your computer will likely stop working at this point and take a vacation in Tahiti. Again, it is is best if you don't try to follow or interrupt as the consequences could be dire for you or a weaker sibling. Computers like the taste of flesh.
The core components aside, there are a wide number of additional parts and components which you can purchase to compliment your dynamic duo. Some of these are friendly and non-lethal, such as the sound card and zip drive, but they must be purchased in conjunction. You see, the sound card is a real chatterbox and loves nothing more than to have long, in-depth conversations about why we exist and how Adam West made the best Batman. The zip drive on the other hand is the yang to sound's yin. It keeps him quiet for the most part, making both tolerable and exciting on a lonely Friday night. Other components, while crucial, have worse dispositions and you're better off just leaving them alone. The network card, for example, used to roam the wild plains of Siberia, living a care-free nomadic lifestyle before it was domesticated by Dell and included in every PC. The network card never forgets and to this day carries a bitter chip on it's shoulder. Should you move too close to the network card, it will spit raw data all over your face and clothes, similar to that dinosaur that killed the fat guy in Jurassic Park. Trust me on this one, raw data stains and you'll never be able to get it out through conventional laundry means. Lastly, there is the video card. This is kind of like the beefy, older jock brother that some of us had growing up, except the video card never comes into your room late at night smelling like alcohol and demanding sex. Video cards just aren't like that. They are more like that peaceful, quiet guy who had a crush on you but never said anything and wound up regretting it for the rest of his life. I can't blame him; you're pretty cute.
Now that we have tackled the main components of a computer, we can get down and dirty and actually start using it. There are two main uses for a computer these days: playing video games and using the internet. I'm pretty sure that everyone knows about video games so I will refrain from covering them in detail here. If you don't know what a video game is or have never seen one, please throw yourself in front of traffic. Now, the internet. Ah, lovely, sweet internet. Home of she-male pictures, wacko anime, and a large number of 13 year-old students at AOL University. It's cyberspace, the futuristic outpost for hackers and pirates who are out to steal every ounce of your identity and infringe on your copyrights. It also brought us email, which is good, I guess, if you have friends. I don't, so all I get are spam messages, but they do keep me occupied. Aside from the online threats, you really have to be careful in your own home when connected to the internet. You see, the magical internet cable which makes everything possible (often called a "network cable" or a "dog and pony show") is very similar to an oil pipeline. Data is constantly flowing through it and that can easily be a recipie for disaster. You will want to take care of your cable, petting it at least once a day and leaving bits of canned cat food for it to eat. By following these easy steps, you'll avoid kinks in your cable, which can rapidly slow down the speed of your internet pipeline. In some rare cases, these unmanaged kinks have resulted in cracks in the pipeline and data will spill all over the carpet. Having duct tape or a breath mint handy will aid in quickly cleaning up any spilled data before it has time to set. If you call the Rug Doctor, he can assist you in putting your lost data back into the cable, ensuring that you don't miss any email or world events. Lastly, you never ever want to disconnect your cable from the back of the PC. One reason is of the aforementioned threat of the network card spitting on you. Remember, it doesn't like you. The second and more important reason is that you need to remain connected at all times or pirates can break into your computer and use it as a public restroom, all the while cussing you out and giving you scurvy.
As you can see, technology is a huge subject and can in no way be covered in an all-in-one guide like this one. Still, using what we've outlined so far in this guide, you should be well on your way down the information speedway, crusing the internet and keeping your computer tame. Technology is one of those things that is always developing, so be sure to keep an eye out for a second volume of this guide, bringing you up to speed on all the latest and greatest technology innovations and behavioral science behind keeping them in line.
Technology: know it, understand it, conquer it. PNC makes that possible. |
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| Your radio dial is now tuned into another P.Net Guidebook, assuming that "radio dial" is some kind of mild euphemism for "your eyes." We first brought you the end-all be-all guide to throwing a successful summer barbecue and we're back once again to explore the far reaches of space and give you a rundown of all the planets in our solar system. After successfully reading this comprehensive guide, be prepared. You'll be so qualified that you'll be fending off job offers left and right from every known planetarium in the city. Trust us, word travels fast and honestly, they aren't picky. We're more than just a successful website; we look out for you, the reader, and enable you a better life through made-up facts and juvenile humor. But look at me prattling on. You came here for the guide.
The Official P.Net Guidebook to Our Planetary Systems
With the successful launch and return of the space shuttle Discovery, America once again finds itself fascinated with space travel and exploration. Space fever is spreading faster than an STD at an orgy and you'd be hard pressed to find an adult today that isn't reliving his boyhood dream of becoming an astronaut and launching into space. Except that'll never happen because you're overweight and you eat small children. So, what's left for the armchair astronaut who has a zero chance of ever seeing actual space? Why, this guidebook of course.
While no members of our staff have ever actually traveled in space, we've read a lot of science fiction novels and once watched Star Trek II. This, in our minds, makes us experts on all things space and we're willing to break you off some of our highly coveted knowledge because we care. Well, actually, we don't really care in so much as our parole officer says that we're supposed to be giving back to the community. Originally, we were supposed to be the events coordinator for a local community center but "naked twister" and "pot storytelling time" wasn't exactly what they had in mind. A shame, really, because kids could really benefit from that stuff. Anyhoo, the planets. Got to start writing about the planets.
Planets were once believed to be marbles of the gods, put in place after some mythical inter-solar system game went awry. A few still cling to this belief but everyone considers Wiccas and Ewoks to be crazy anyway. The truth is that the planets were formed over millions of years through a system of neglect and photosynthesis. Given enough time (read: eons), rock and dust, when mixed with whatever gas Jupiter and Saturn are made out of, form together to make many happy spheres, some of which include rings and additional moons. These are kind of like bonus features on a planetary DVD because not every planet gets them. There is all kinds of other stuff involved too like gravity and floating around the sun but that is better left for another guidebook. We're topical here and we're only dealing with planets.
The Sun: The sun isn't really a planet per se but it's included in all the diagrams and planetary charts so a lot of people think it ought to be. I personally think those people should go live on the sun if they think it's so great. We really only included it here so people wouldn't email us bitching about how we forgot to include "that hot planet" or "that thing that makes me tan." The sun is the central axis of our solar system and every planet revolves around it in orbit. It's hot and that's really it's only claim to fame. The sun has also landed lucrative endorsement deals with both Raisin Bran and sun tan lotion companies making it the envy of the rest of the solar system.
Mercury: Mercury was formed as a planet through a freak accident involving giant space ants and a centipede. History is murky at this point because there was a great fire in 1947 that destroyed a lot of the books where we wrote that kind of stuff down. Mercury is only 35,983,024 miles from the sun which means that it's hot and its year is short. It's also an ideal tourist spot for those seeking cancer and/or a quick death. While Mercury is obviously the closest planet to the sun, Venus is actually hotter and this pisses Mercury off to no end. Mercury was actually named after the Roman god of commerce and travel, likely so named because the planet's quick trip around the sun is lightning fast, just like Mercury used to be in the sack.
Venus: The planet Venus has one claim to fame: this is where women come from. Numerous books have been written on the subject so we won't bother rehashing such information here. Venus was originally colonized by a couple of lesbian turtles and it quickly became the place to go for gambling and entertainment. That title has since been usurped by Earth so Venus just kind of sits there sulking, spitting out female transport shuttles on the daily rate of 3 per hour.
Earth: (Note to reader: you are here.) Unless you're a freak or listen to downtempo music, you're probably reading this from Earth so there isn't a whole lot to say that you don't know. Earth is one of the few planets filled with people and a breathable atmosphere which, apparently, only serves as some kind of vehicle to allow humans to survive. If you look at Earth from space, you'll notice a large number of white swirls surrounding the surface. These are pockets of hate, usually resulting from two factions going to war with one another. Yes, there are a lot of white swirls because there is a lot fighting. Earth is a violent place, like some kind of outpost jail for retarded leaders and vicious killers. If you have a layover on Earth during your space travels, it's advised that you don't de-board unless you really know what you're doing.
Mars: Earth aside, Mars is probably the second most popular planet in the system. Mars is a movie star in it's own right, chalking up some 17 million starring roles in different films. Quite impressive for a barren piece of red rock. Like Venus, Mars is home to humans, but of the male variety, and can be seen from Earth. Given this, it has become a favorite of business leaders and politicians everywhere who use it as some kind of interstellar corporate board room in which they hold meetings and discuss the future of picnic tables. Mars is also red. Really, really red. Like most of the men it produces, it's probably just embarassed about it's smaller than average size.
Jupiter: Jupiter is big. Real big. It's more than twice as massive as all the other planets combined. It's like that schoolyard bully of the solar system who had freak glandular activity and wound up being six feet tall in fourth grade. It's also quite gassy so take that how you will. Not much is really known about Jupiter aside from tidbits concerning it's outer atmosphere. The rest is pure speculation. I could proceed to make a bunch of stuff up here but I won't. I'm tired and I am all out of facts.
Saturn: Nobody really gives Saturn the respect that it deserves. It's the second largest planet and has really cool rings around it. Except that doesn't mean much when Jupiter is bigger than you are and that your rings are no longer unique. Saturn is kind of like the silver medalist at the Olympic games: you forget about it unless you really go looking. Earth actually passes through the rings of Saturn every few years during orbit which I guess means that the two planets are intimate. What the hell would you call that? A once-every-three-year stand? Kinky. Saturn is used mainly as a vehicle producing planet, churning out cheap, crappy cars at an exponential rate. It is believed that Scions are also produced here, probably the result of some kind of hellish explosion or planet core eruption. That's about the only thing that could explain their popularity on Earth. Either that or we get some kind of volume discount.
Uranus: Ok, stop giggling. You know, he's heard all your jokes, all your plays on his name and he ain't too happy about it. He demands respect and the proper pronunciation before he even looks in your direction. Going with the flow of European runway models, Uranus has changed his name and now it may only be pronounced URAN-US. Saying "your anus" or "unine us" won't get you very far. In fact, the next time Uranus swings around this way in orbit, he plans on firing ice-based rocket missles at Earth until all the comedians and juvenilities are finished. You've been warned. And yes, there are faint rings around Uranus. Seriously, stop giggling.
Neptune: Neptune is, unfortunately, pretty unremarkable. It's blue. Great. What else? Well, it's not the last planet nor the largest so it just kind of sits there pissing off Uranus. In fact, Neptune is responsible for altering the orbit of Uranus, like somebody's older jock brother who likes to push around kids because he thinks it's cool. It's understandable then why Neptune has become the planet to be for social space outcasts and goth enthusiasts. If you want to be alone, depressed, and have no one bother you, Neptune is the place for a vacation. You can sit around and pick ice, or make some kind of outer space ice cream cone filled with real chunks of ice. I mean, if that's your thing by all means but I do think it's stupid. Hey, it's your life.
Pluto: Ah, Pluto, the last and smallest of the bunch. Pluto kind of sucks in that it's so far away. We've never actually been to Pluto and what we know is mostly rumor and conjecture put together by three monkeys and a wasp who were overheard talking in a zoo. It rotates in the opposite direction from most of the other planets, typical of the outcast thinking on this side of the universe. Poor little guy; trying so hard to distinguish himself from the other, larger members of the team. It is hypothesized that most of the members of N'Sync originated from Pluto.
And there it is, the nine superstars of the Milky Way galaxy. Space is an ever-changing phenomenon and many scientists believe that a 10th planet does exist. We like to find such people and beat them up, if for no other reason than to say that we did. If you have read every single word of this guide, including this one right here, you should now be well-versed in the ways of all the planets, their sordid history, and their standing and function in space society. Feel free to write up some kind of class certificate in your favorite word processor and print it out. You're now certified! For what, we don't know but it's probably something stupid like gorilla jumping. With that, consider this guide a wrap. See you next time we decide to enlighten you! |
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| 07.21.2005 - Summer Barbecues (PNG #1) | 9:19 AM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 0/5 (0 Votes) |
| Welcome to yet another official P.Net Guidebook, this one tackling the ever-difficult summer barbecue. We start out with the basics and provide you everything you need to know in order to throw a successful summer shindig. Following this guide will make you popular and the envy of your neighborhood. Unless, of course, you're ugly. And live in a trailer. We can't work miracles here. But enough with the procrastination. Read on!
The Official P.Net Guidebook to Summer Barbecues
Summer is here and with it comes what some internet crazies like to call the "dog days." I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that this is some kind of opposite of the "cat days" of winter but I'm no weatherman. However, I did sleep with one once. Hey, it was college and I was experimenting.
Anyway, with these supposed dog days of summer comes the inevitable need to have a party. In some of the more elite circles, experts call these parties "barbecues" or simply "BBQ" for short. Not all summer parties can be considered barbecues so don't be fooled. A barbecue party must first utilize one's barbecue, hopefully for the purpose of cooking food. If you are throwing a party and not cooking food, you are not throwing a barbecue but rather some other kind of party not discussed here. You might be throwing an orgy or a rave. If you decide to throw a party utilizing your barbecue but decide not to cook food on it, then you're a fool and no one is likely to show up anyway.
Ok, hopefully you have the essentials down for what makes up a good summer barbecue. Those pieces being summer, a barbecue, and the intention to use it for cooking. With all of that in place, it's time to call, bribe, or kidnap all your friends/homeless vagrants and coerce them to come over to your house or where ever you are housing the aforementioned barbecue. First, let's decide what kind of barbecue you plan on holding.
0-1 people: This is not a barbecue; this is you cooking yourself dinner. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go out, be social, and use either chloroform or roofies to your advantage.
2-4 people: This level of barbecue is acceptable for a few of your guy friends to get together and watch a sporting event. This is not considered a party but rather a "get together" since, obviously, you are getting together with a few friends. Jesus, I shouldn't have to explain everything to you.
5-8 people: Now this is a party. Make sure that you have enough food to feed everyone. Don't be a cheapskate and make people bring their own either. You're the bigshot throwing the party so pony up the cash and get some good food. Also, don't forget a keg or two of beer and some peyote for afterwards.
9-? people: This ain't a party, it's a cookout! This type of event should most likely be held outdoors in a public or rented setting. You are likely not rich enough to afford a house where more than 9 people can party comfortably. You should ponder your social status before attempting a cookout at your residence. It's ok to ask for donations from guests in order to barbecue someplace in public.
Now, with that out of the way, you likely have some idea of what kind of party you wish to throw and who is going to be coming. You should also take into account what kind of people are coming. If you have some vegan friends, they may not appreciate eating meat, so make sure that you have a variety of dishes available. A good party gag: we like to serve the vegans meat anyway as some kind of cruel joke. The look on their faces is priceless. Be sure that you have a camera handy to capture the moment. You should also take into account the drink preferences of your guests. Some prefer wine over beer or soda over alcohol. We suggest just stocking up on Mad Dog 20/20 and some boxed wine. That should suffice.
The menu also plays an extremely vital role in how successful your barbecue is. Remember that one bad barbecue will haunt you for the rest of your life. Remember that time you got passed over for a promotion? That could be related to a bad barbecue. You should select a wide array of dishes which will appeal to all your guests. For example, if you have any friends visiting from India, you may want to provide some kind of elephant dish as we hear they are really into that sort of thing. Asian people hate rice, Mexicans tortillas. Hey, no one said planning a party was easy but this wouldn't be much of a guide unless we gave you some helpful pointers. Here are some of the dishes we like making: steaks wrapped in LSD-soaked bacon, potato salad with a nice novocain dressing, and crystal meth brownies for the kids. Barbecues are really about fun for the whole family.
You should additionally be prepared with some various forms of entertainment since it's likely that you're not witty enough to get by on coversation alone. A good number of people make fatal mistakes in this arena, going with clowns or magicians. This isn't some kind of kid's birthday party. Stop being a wuss. Strippers, hookers, drug dealers, and the occasional gang drive-by really serve to lighten the party mood. There is something about dodging bullets in a crossfire that really brings out the best in people. Music is another vital aspect of the entertainment process. It is a proven fact that everyone likes a little mixture of gangster rap and Yanni. You should be creative and mix these up for optimum effect.
If you have followed all of the suggestions and steps in this guide, you've likely just thrown one of the best barbecues that your neighborhood has ever been to. Hopefully, most if not all of your guests have left by now leaving you with a huge mess to clean up. That's one of the drawbacks of being a party host. Quite likely, however, there is someone going through withdrawl in one of your closets and screaming about how the walls are melting. If so, be sure you enlist him or her in the clean-up process. Also, you should have at least two or three homeless people on hand to provide assistance. Sometimes you really have to crack the whip on these guys as we hear they can be quite lazy. Offer them some of your remaining Mad Dog and wine to get things moving. (Don't worry, you don't actually have to give them any. Aside from short attention spans, you can pretty much kick them around -- and out of the house -- on an as needed basis.) We hope that you enjoyed this guide and that it leads to many fine barbecues in the future. |
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