Four months ago, with the resurrection of the PNC franchise, I publicly made a promise to myself, the website readers, and to the homeless guy in my closet that this time around, I was very serious about the decision and that everything was going to be very much different from the previous five times I had resurrected this death trap from the grave. While the promise and the ensuing effort was largely ignored by just about everyone, the homeless guy in my closet took notice and politely asked if this would mean he'd get some food or water any time soon. "No," I said, "what it means is that you will get some marginally funny words written on the internet and sent to you via unsolicited email. Hopefully about once per week." I think he continued to blab about being hungry and/or dehydrated but I quickly tuned him out. I had words to write. Important words.

Well, flash forward to now and it should come as no shock that that vaunted promise lasted all of a few weeks, delivering only four updates and a whole lot of silence. The homeless guy in my closet has long since perished; probably from a broken heart or cancer but fuck if I know because I never checked on him. The website is a ghost town and a whole lot of people I just created in my mind have been hammering my inbox for weeks wanting to know what happened. Did they go out of business? Was it some kind of Benjamin Button deal but with literacy, so he slowly forgot how to read and write? Did the internet explode? Maybe one of those. Or maybe none of those. I don't know. I don't have any answers. But I know someone who does: me. So, I spent the past three days tracking down me in the hopes of gaining an exclusive interview with him to talk about what happened. It turns out that I was very successful and the transcript is below.

Pollestad.Net: Thank you for taking the time to sit down and talk with us.

Randy Pollestad: No problem. It's my pleasure. I can't wait to clear the air about what's been going on and get back to business as usual.

P.Net: What is business as usual for you?

RP: I don't know; it really depends on the day. I mean, sometimes you can find me down at the YMCA rifling through other people's belongings but other times, I might be at the petting zoo just riding the fuck out of animals.

P.Net: I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to ride the animals at the petting zoo.

RP: I know, that's what security keeps telling me. Such bullshit. Those bastards are always infringing on my rights. I know what it says in the Constitution.

P.Net: So, moving on to the topic of the website and the PNC Corporation. What gives? Some of us had high hopes that we'd be bombarded with funny on a weekly basis but in reality, you pretty much just took a large shit in our email boxes and then ran for the hills. What happened?

RP: There was a serious personal incident that occurred about 2 1/2 months ago and it hit me pretty hard. I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue after that.

P.Net: Care to share more details?

RP: It's still a very sore issue, so please excuse me if the tears start flowing. I told myself that I was going to be strong. I know that I'm known for making shit up and whatnot but what I'm about to tell you actually happened and it rocked me deeply.

P.Net: Was there an accident or a death in the family?

RP: No, it's much, much worse than that. You see, when I'm not writing funny words on this website, I'm off writing funny words elsewhere on the internet. Or so I thought. In one of the many places where I post my wit in written form, internet user "Robokomodo" said this very sentence: "you are the most unfunny asshole on the planet."

P.Net: And how did you handle that?

RP: Well, you know, at first I just kind of sat there. Numb. Just in shock and not sure what to do. I mean, nobody likes to be put down like that and when you think yourself a fountain of funny, to know that some stranger on the internet doesn't share that opinion is really just heartbreaking. I'd never met him and haven't spoken to him since but his words continue to haunt me on a daily basis. As I stand now, I'm very conflicted about the whole affair. On one hand, I hate being called names but at the same time, according to him, I'm actually the very best at being unfunny. Like, if there was such a ranking, I am the most unfunny. Personally, I find that rather hard to believe given how Dane Cook is still doing stand-up but hey, the people have spoken. Or at least one of them. I am the top of the unfunny food chain.

P.Net: So, it's like how coming in last place means you're the best at sucking?

RP: Yeah, exactly. But as you can imagine, when your entire job is to write articles and update a website based solely on humor, being horribly unfunny makes it very difficult to stay employed. So, I just kind of went dark for a while. You know, spent the time cutting myself and writing goth poetry. I was very shaken. Like, I'd be shopping for some frozen pizza at the grocery store and I'd see some stranger coming down the opposite end of the aisle. I'd just start sweating. "What if that is Robokomodo? What if he also tells me that I make poor food shopping decisions? I'm not sure I can take another blow to my self-esteem." Eventually, however, the shakes subsided and I was able to walk around in public without looking over my shoulder. Other people on the internet came to my defense, saying things like "he's not that bad" and "I've never heard of him" so maybe it's just the misguided view of one person but it's something that has changed me forever. I'm not so innocent anymore.

P.Net: But we're doing this interview now. Is that kind of like the first step to recovery?

RP: I'm not 100% certain that anyone would call interviewing yourself as a first toward anything but insanity. But yeah, baby steps. I'm trying to right the ship again. Even though it's not a ship and I know nothing about sailing, so that's a pretty stupid thing for me to say.

P.Net: So, what's next then?

RP: It's tough to say. It's been so long since I've written anything and I'm going to constantly second guess myself because there is an unfunny cloud hanging over my head. I mean, how can I trust my body of work now? I certainly thought it was decent but there is no way of knowing whether it'd be Robokomodo approved. I can't live with that kind of uncertainty.

P.Net: Have you considered therapy? It sounds like you're dealing with some deep emotional issues.

RP: No, I haven't considered therapy but I have talked to a few contract killers. I mean, were the guy to mysteriously die, I wouldn't have to worry about him following me around and saying that I am without humor.

P.Net: But now you've just gone on record talking about hiring someone to kill him. That seems... incriminating, were he to actually die.

RP: Like anyone will ever read this. (laughs) But that's not to say that I am not without a plan to get back to work.

P.Net: Which would have been a great thing to tell me when I first asked the question five minutes ago.

RP: Look, take a cue from Hollywood. What does Hollywood do when they run out of ideas? They recycle older, proven ones. They reboot them and add 3-D effects. I'm not 100% certain how to add 3-D to my articles but that's not going to stop me from taking this whole franchise reboot thing and running with it.

P.Net: But don't you have to have a franchise first before you try and reboot it?

RP: Don't care. Doing it anyway. It's hip and trendy and I am nothing if not either of those things.

P.Net: So, what would a reboot of Pollestad.Net entail?

RP: Fuck if I know. I guess it's all the stories and characters you already know but written again in almost the same manner but this time, they are a little darker and have a bigger budget. It's like I can take some shit I wrote in 2006, include a reference to Barack Obama being president, dress up some characters in black and have an instant success on my hands.

P.Net: I'm not sure it's that easy.

RP: Sure it is. I just did it.

P.Net: Just did what? Rebooted everything?

RP: Yeah.

P.Net: I don't see anything changed.

RP: Well, it's all still the same stuff. But it's grittier now. A lot grittier. Also, everyone has a new origin story.

P.Net: What was wrong with the old origin stories?

RP: Nothing, but you can't half-ass a reboot. Unless it's Dredd 3D.

P.Net: Well, I for one can't wait to see what you wind up doing with the series again. I'm happy that you were able to sit down with us and talk it all out.

RP: Thanks for caring. Can we hug?

P.Net: No.

RP: Please? Just a quick one. No one has to know. I'm so lonely.

P.Net: Fine, A quick one. Let's .. umph, OK, that's a little tight. OK, you can let go now. Seriously, let go. That's long en-- GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF MY ASS.

RP: You're no fun.

That was the very unceremonious conclusion to my exclusive interview with the man behind the PNC curtain and you heard the exclusive reboot news here first. You also heard about how he was a huge pussy for like three months because someone called him a bad name on the internet, so there is that. I just kind of figured he'd have thicker skin that that but I guess the truth hurts. Even if nothing else comes of the interview we conducted today, we were at least able to prove one infallible point: Randy Pollestad certainly is the most unfunny asshole on the planet. Hands down.