Depending on how closely you've been paying attention to the goings-on here at the PNC campus and barring the fact that you've figured how to configure your email client to block all mailings from us, you might have noticed that there's been a flurry of update activity over the past month. (In this case, "flurry" is any number greater than zero.) This could either be good or bad for you because while some of what is written is funny and thus entertaining for you to read, there's a 96% chance that with each new update, I'm just going to finally lose my shit and send you a bunch of pictures of me doing yard work naked instead. I think, for both our sakes, let's hope the latter never happens. I hate yard work.

As much as I'd like to pat myself on the back for this recent rejuvenation, the sad truth is that I didn't post anything new last week and this week was quickly shaping up to be yet another disappointment. Thankfully, I always have an ace in the hole. Why the hell I put playing cards in a hole is beyond me but I think we can safely blame my bath salt-only diet for that one. You see, while the main website may only see intermittent activity, we're continually working our social media arm to update our Facebook and Twitter pages daily. What this leads to is a whole lot of funny in 140 characters or less.

Similar to what we did previously, I've compiled some of the more popular and funny status updates we've posted elsewhere. This is 10% because I think you'd enjoy reading them and 90% I'm a lazy fuck and writing a compiled list of stuff I already wrote is way easier than writing something else from scratch. Bon appetit!

Sometimes I skip lunch, so I'm pretty sure I know what living in a third world country feels like.

If I worked in a hospital, every time a coma patient woke up, I'd hand them a pregnancy test and then wink seductively.

Do you have three names? Do you go by all of them? Then you are an asshole.

Man, celibate people just don't give a fuck.

I like to down Nyquil and eat a bunch of candy at the same time, just to see which one will win out.

Just finished rewriting the Kama Sutra: it's twenty chapters on the best places to cry after you masturbate.

If this relationship is going to work, you're going to have to stop trying to untie yourself.

I leave it up to my hand to get me through the hard times.

People don't like it when you describe their baby as "punchable."

Apparently "Come watch me pee!" isn't the huge pick-up line hit that I thought it would be.

Been trying to sell my fat friend. It's a pretty big deal.

If you're worried that one of my offensive jokes might be about you, it probably is.

"Anyone want to grab a drink? I'm thirsty" - guy with no arms

I wonder if Ethiopian women are ever like, "hey, does this cloth make look fat? Haha, just kidding. I haven't eaten in a week."

I hate when pretty girls wear baggy clothes because I'm unable to tell if I should care about what they are saying or not.

I hate the phrase "it's so easy, a child could do it" because no one takes into account children who are retarded and/or malnourished.

Whenever I see an old person shopping for fiber cereal, I'm like, gross, you're going to poop yourself.

If your bologna has a first name, it's OK to have sex with it.

I only trust people as far as I can throw them, so some of my best friends are midgets.

It's so hard to find a homeless person who will think outside the box.

"We can do this the easy way or the hard way" - video game character at the menu screen.

I guess my only real beef with Lady Gaga is that if I wore what she wears in public, I'd be arrested.

Been taking my sport coat and slacks with me to the gym. I guess you could say that is my strong suit.

So, a power nap is just short sleep? Then I am happy to report that I power sex quite often.

I've spent a lot of time, money, and energy not donating time, money, and energy.

I bet civil war re-enactors are really fun to hang around with.

I've got a shirt made out of balloons and my collar is popped.

I think the worst thing about babies is the look people give you when you try and sell them.

Gay comedians are the worst at telling jokes -- they can never keep a straight face.

If you use a Ouija board improperly, you run the risk of being raped by a ghost.

"Whooah, we're halfway there." - Jon Bon Jovi as your GPS.

Man, I could talk about suffocation until I was blue in the face.

I like asking homeless women if the carpet matches the drapes because they don't have either of those things.

If I ever start a business, I'm going to make sure the sign says "Est. 1891" because no one ever checks.

I fell into a quarry and hit rock bottom.

Who says that money can't buy happiness? Poor people, probably. They complain about everything.

I let the cat out of the bag and now I am a hero in the feline community.

I regret that I missed my chance to name my child something stupid. Oh well, there is always face tattoos.

I love fighting blind people.

When someone tells me to "shut my pie hole" it makes me wonder if we're both thinking about the same hole. Maybe they eat pie differently.

Look Grandma, I don't care what you consider "tasteful" -- I'm playing "Ice Ice Baby" at your funeral and that's final.

I imagine that somewhere there exists a guy in a glass house who said, "fuck it, man. I'm throwing stones."

"If this van is a rockin', don't come knockin'." Instead, let yourself inside because I'm probably having a seizure and might need help.

Whenever homeless people tell me of their woes, I like to respond, "Oh, you poor thing" because it's true.

I don't have a car alarm - I just pay a midget to hide up front and honk the horn as I walk away and raise my keys in the air dramatically.

Whenever someone "double dog dares" you to do anything, make sure that they have the dogs first.

I always bring a number of questions with me when I visit the gynecologist. Tops on that list is "Why am I visiting a gynecologist?"

I hate when people say "with bells on" and then show up with no bells. Compulsive liars, the whole lot.

They say that you can't run away from your past but I used to be pretty fat so I'm not so sure.

Then the priest walked in and said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" which I felt was a stupid question because it was obvious that I was masturbating.

I don't let silly things like "schooling" and "a degree" get in the way of me dispensing medical advice.

"Did he just say what I think he said?" "I have no idea -- I'm not telepathic."

"Shit man, let's go get high." - Elevators

I wish there was an easier way for me to let someone know I liked them that didn't involve me showing them my erection.

As always, there is that and so much more to be had, if you only followed Pollestad.Net on Facebook. (Or Twitter.) But whatever. You totally don't have to. I don't care either way. Just kidding. I thrive on validation.