It was during the 1990's that the great prophet Haddaway asked, "What is love?" and while his well-toned black body and smooth dance moves enchanted us for a time, it did little to bring us any closer to answering the age-old question. Shortly thereafter, he followed that up with the statement, "Baby, don't hurt me," which implied that he was pretty much a pussy and we shouldn't be leaning towards him for philosophical advice. Still, the question remains a valid one.

Unfortunately, for many of us, despite huge research grants and women with loose morals, love continues to be a mystery; an elusive thing that is always just out of reach. Maybe you grow longer arms, they chortle in response, but that's not really practical advice until someone invents a safe, easy-to-use arm stretching machine. Preferably one tested on children first. I don't know about you but I use my arms a lot and I don't want to damage them until I know for certain that it works.

However, for my alter ego, Roger Garrison, things might be starting to look up. If you recall the previous Spamtastic Adventure, Roger began chatting it up with Miss Sunsy, who lives in Africa. She's lonely and just looking for a love connection. Can Roger be the person to fill that void? Read the continuing adventures to find out.

From: "sunsy oldham" [sunsy_o@w.cn]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: WITH LOVE AND TRUST

My Dearest Roger,

Many thanks for your mail this moment. How was your night? It delighted my heart read through your mail this moment i thank you for your caring and sweet words and i pray that God will lead us into the home of our rest. I would have love been on your side over there. But i have the faith that God will make it possible soon for us to stay and live together as one big family. As for me i am in good health only that we have a poor condition in this camp. Actually age is just a number and i believed that it has nothing to do in our relationship hence the love is there and better understanding.

Actually it takes a once to know a friend by one day and we will start learning each other gradually. But you mean more than friend to me. you have brought life back to me, i am feeling alive today and have been memorizing your mail and thinking of you throughout this moment, actually i knew that we are meant to be together'' though i know distance is far but i believe that love is a bridge that can connect far distance to be closer. TRUE LOVE is the most Precious Treasure, True Love is the most Beautiful Emotion but very difficult to find True Love in this selfish world. I have seen the life very closely, that's why I know how precious Love is. Certainly as of this moment you have fill my heart with joy and happiness.

About my family,. I was brought up from Christan and decent family in the family of Late Dr. Oldham Bamba and My late father was a full time politician and businessman, While my mother was a nurse in the capital city of our country Sierra Leone before they demise with bad experience of war. My dear i will join you over there in your country with your family as my life is going down here i am suffering in this prison called refugee where people are not taking care of" and where there is no food rather treating us like a prisoner. Imagine a young girl like me staying where people are not taking care only remembering my past each day in my life where other girls are enjoying with the family and celebrating their life but i spend all my season in this prison called refugee camp.

Please i need your help i am writing this latter with tears running out from my eyes even to eat i have nothing to eat i am not talking about my dress but the problem is to eat and to be free out from here but i believe and hope on you, please don't allow me to die here God bless you as you help me out from here. In my next mail i will tell you more about myself and there is one secret i will like to share with you and also give you the telephone number you will use to call me. I need to see your picture and looking at your face will only given me joy and happiness, i will send you more of my pictures in my next mail.

I wish you happy day
Sincerely in Love,
Sunsy,

Don't feel compelled to actually read any of that. I certainly didn't. It's a whole lot of crazy with enough grammatical mistakes to make an English teacher commit suicide.

All you really need to know is that she leads a very depressing life, she's starting to really find true love in Roger, and she included the following picture:



Sweet.

From: roger@4kb.com
To: sunsyoldham22@live.com
Subject: Re: WITH LOVE AND TRUST

To My Homegirl Sunsy,

Thank you for continuing to write me back. With each email that you send, I can feel the crotch area of my pants get a little tighter and the inside of my bowels a little more irritable. I'm not 100% sure how that will be parsed through your translator software but please be assured that both of those are very good things. I think that I am really starting to feel a connection between us here. Not trying to be too forward but you're pretty much the only girl that I have said more than ten words to in my entire lifetime and I think that really speaks volumes about where we're going with this. (Third base?)

My friends have cautioned me that you might not be who you say you are and that this whole thing might just be a setup but I don't care. I'm not listening to them. You are the girl that I think I am starting to love and each new letter that you send me brings me extreme comfort. Your words are like the email equivalent of a Snuggee. You know, it's the blanket with sleeves!

I'll admit that I must have tried like at least five times to read the last letter that you sent me but I have a hard time understanding retarded people. It's like you just copied and pasted a bunch of stuff from like four other emails and jumbled it all together. "Fuck it, it's good enough for Roger," you might have said as you clicked send. I'd like to know that that was not the case. That maybe I mean a little more to you than some copy/paste job. Also, I ignored all the parts where you mentioned your problems and said you were crying, so hopefully I didn't miss much.

You speak a lot of TRUE LOVE and I appreciate that. I also yearn to find TRUE LOVE and I can think of no better place to find TRUE LOVE than by chatting it up with strangers on the internet. Hey, it worked for match.com. I would very much like to show you real affection by penetrating you repeatedly with my tool of TRUE LOVE and perhaps finishing with some TRUE LOVE right in your eyeball. Don't worry, TRUE LOVE only burns for a few minutes.

I am excited that you are talking about exchanging phone numbers. That is some very next level stuff right there. I would very much like you get some telephone intercourse going. When I call, you should be prepared to be doing some nasty stuff because that's how I like it. Like carrot in the anus nasty. Phone sex makes Roger freaky.

Please send me more pictures as well since I am having a hard time getting it up to the other two that you have sent me. Kind of a "been there, done that" deal. The last picture you sent me was, well, how can I say it was the ugliest thing I have every seen without actually saying that? I mean, I'm not sure who did your interior decorating but god damn, I know families in the 1970's who would have rejected that furniture. But I guess refugees can't be choosers, right?

Sunsy, please write back to me with more tales of African love. I think that I am really falling for you and hopefully one day we can be together. You in the kitchen cooking and cleaning. Me, watching television or something. But hey, at least we'll be together.

I can't wait to hear back from you. Seriously. Don't make me wait.

With Chewed Gum,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Pretty much all I can do from this point on is to make fun of her, make her believe that our life together will be complete shit, and still convince her to write back.

No small task but then again, Roger is no small man.

It actually took her less than an hour to respond and she finally dropped a bombshell.

From: "sunsy oldham" [sunsyoldham22@live.com]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: GOD BLESS YOU

My Dearest Love Roger,

Many thanks for your delighted mail. How was your night? Hope fine in your side. Mine is a little bit hot over here in Ouagadougou (Burkina-Faso}. Like i told you in my last mail and I will like to see you face to face and it's my concern to join you there, in this camp we are only allowed to go out from the camp only on Mondays and Fridays of the weeks. It's just like one staying in the prison and i hope by Gods grace i will come out here soon.

I don't have any relatives now whom i can go to all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war, the only person i have now is ( Rev.Henry Beth) who is the pastor of the (Church) here in the camp he has been very nice to me since i came here but i am not living with him rather i am living in the women's hostel because the camp have two hostels, one for men the other for women.The Pastor's Tel number is ( +226-785-751-27 ) if you call and tell him that you want to speak with me, he will send for me in the hostel. As a refugee here i don't have any right or privileged to anything be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country. I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.

Please listen to this (it's a secret, even the Revrend don't know about it),i have my late father's statement of account and his death certificate here with me which i will send to you latter,because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in one of the leading Financial House in which he used my name as the next of kin,the amount in question is $7,000,000.00(Seven Million US Dollars).So i will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it you will send some money for me to get my traveling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you.I kept this secret to people in the camp here so in the light of above i will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it.

Remember i am giving you all this information due to the trust i deposed on you now. I like honest and understanding people, truthful and a man of vision, truth and hardworking .Have a nice day and think about me. Awaiting to hear from you soonest. Attached is my picture will like to see yours more. Please as soon as you receive this mail try to call me +226-785-751-27,
‏
Yours Ever,
Sunsy

Per my request, she included another picture but I'm not going to bother posting it because it was pretty much just a zoomed in copy of the one she already sent me of her sitting in the chair. Yeah, the unflattering one. Nice work, Sunsy.

So, the secret is out of the bag. She's secretly rich but she has been hiding it from everyone. Everyone except me! It's like today is my lucky day. Of course, I plan on keeping it a secret. I'm only posting it here because no one reads this damn thing and I have short term memory problems.

Now Roger has the chance to find love and be rich. An opportunity too good to pass up?

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "sunsy oldham"[sunsyoldham22@live.com]
Subject: Re: GOD BLESS YOU -- did you just sneeze?

To My Drag Queen Sunsy,

Before I jump into getting all email-y with you, I just want to point out that while I think all this correspondence is a great thing and I really feel a strong bond with you, you are kind of bumming me out. I mean, with every email it's all about you and how you're stuck in some prison camp or something. "Oh, I only get out on Monday and Fridays and my Dad was murdered and I'm not allowed back in my country." That shit is like mad depressing. At least you could lie about stuff every now and then like I do. It might actually make me want to be with you more. Just sayin'. Next time, tell me you spent the day picking flowers or making fun of minorities. Pretty much anything but whatever you normally write me.

OK, now, that wasn't easy to say but I had to say it. I hope you understand that a relationship is a complex thing and that we have to put some work into it. It's not all fun and games. Well, not for you anyway. To be clear, should we move this thing forward, I get to do whatever I want. You get to do what I tell you. That's how we are going to roll as Mr. and Mrs. Garrison. Of course, I'd never actually acknowledge you in front of people I know but them's the breaks. Get used to the nickname "hired help."

Speaking of rolling, I have AMAZING NEWS for you. So, you remember a few emails back where I talked about getting together with Keith for some tabletop RPG gaming? Well, we did and it was awesome. Because you are my TRUE LOVE, I made sure that we devoted some time to creating your character and fleshing you out a back story. You are a half-orc that escaped a life of slavery to become a great warrior of some type. Your name is Juice Johnson and you managed to get +12 in both strength and annoyance stats. Unfortunately, you took a -6 hit to intelligence but having known you for weeks, it seems about right. Also, to start off, you got equipped with the Monistat Sword, which includes +7 to your vaginal dryness attribute. All in all, quite an amazing roll. When you get out here, we should be able to have lots of dungeon romps together. I'm so excited.

So, anyway, after we had this intense gaming session, I figured now that I have your number, I better call and give you the good news. Unfortunately, I was still in character and I don't think the guy on the other end knew what I was talking about. He kept repeating that no one by the name of "Fair Lady Juice Johnson" was there. Maybe you can have a talk with him? This kind of news is far better broken over the phone and I was highly disappointed that I could not get in contact with you.

Thank you again for the new picture, but I see you didn't take any of the advice I gave you in the last letter. Also, I know that you talk a lot about the harsh conditions you're under and I certainly believe your life is not well right now but I have to get something off my chest. I mean, if we're going to spend the rest of our lives together in TRUE LOVE, I think you should hear me out. I'm not trying to be a dick but you know, maybe you could stand to lose a few pounds? I'm not sure if the refugee camp that you're staying has a buffet line or not but maybe skip a meal or two. It certainly wouldn't hurt things. Try as you might to convince me, you're not exactly Auschwitz material right now based on your pictures.

Sorry if that came off as harsh but it's the truth. Sure, I might be a lonely nerd who has had extremely limited contact with any woman aside from his mother but I'm an American lonely nerd and we have standards. My status be damned. I'm not really out for brains so the only thing left to me is beauty and the only school that I care about you graduating from is the school of oral pleasure. Only you have the power to prevent you from being ugly. And forest fires. Not sure if you know what a forest is but maybe I can show you a picture sometime.

Speaking of that, to help brighten your day, I have included another great picture of me and my cat.



This one is even more awesome because it has lasers in the background and my sweater is pretty rad. Lasers are fucking awesome. Maybe we get your waistline some laser surgery when you get over here. Also, that's pretty cool about your money thing. Not 100% sure why you're hiding it from everyone in the camp, though. It'd probably make you pretty popular. Maybe you wouldn't need to be finding love over the internet in that case. All good, though.

Get back at me soon and let me know how we can move forward with our relationship. I hope to hear from you soon.

With An Enlarged Prostate,
Roger Garrison (a.k.a. Lord Fluffadong)
roger@4kb.com

Is the path we are forging here the way to true love? Will Roger ever get to taste the sweet smell of refugee funk while setting her untold millions on fire right in front of her eyes? I don't know. What I do know is that I have to wait and see if she writes me back again. Kind of need her cooperation here to make these things happen. Stay tuned and you'll know more when I know more.