I'll admit to no small amount of consternation brewing inside of me as I write this and for once, it's not your fault. You see, underneath all of the homeless/midget jokes and recycled topic ideas, we here at the PNC strive to provide you with as much variety with our updates as is possible to obtain while continually talking about the same old thing over and over again. Sure, we might only accomplish that goal 6% of the time but honestly, it's a pretty lofty goal and you should applaud us for setting the bar so high. But to get right to the point, it is this very sense of variety entitlement that is causing me so much internal trouble.
For a good number of years, the P.Net Mailbag series stood alone as the sole source of updates that involved us reading and responding to email from readers that we probably completely fabricated. If you were a fan of such things, you could rest easy at night knowing that we likely wouldn't sneak in a letter from a reader in some different update series because for the most part, we're not that clever. Also, we didn't get that many letters. But then came the spammers and it changed the whole game around. What started out as a one-time off-shoot has blossomed into some extremely lengthy multi-part adventures with actual people talking about stuff we don't have to make up. It's nice and easy. It's also overshadowed the actual Mailbag for the past year or so.
Not a big deal, right? I mean, the two series are completely different things because one is real and funny and the other is the exact opposite of whatever those previous two words meant. But what happens when you get sent a real, actual, verifiable letter by someone who is a spammer? As in, the letter is actually addressed to you and isn't trying to sell you Viagra or Nigerian cash. What do you do then? It can't go on as a Spamtastic Adventure because it'll never pan out and it can't be in the mailbag because it's not fiction. Do you just ignore it? Do you shoehorn it in somewhere else? Do you visit rentboy.com and try to blow off some steam? All of these questions are making my head hurt.
Well, the truth is that the mailbag is the mailbag because whether it used to be fake or not, it was the place where we originally started posting letters and our responses for all the world to see. So, it would only make sense that we continue that tradition, even it means completely breaking that tradition. Or something like that. Honestly, I haven't written a mailbag update myself since 2005 so it's not like I really know what I am talking about. But it didn't seem fair to make Art to do all the extra work while the letters were addressed to me, delivered to me, and answered by me. Wait, that makes perfect sense. Why the hell did I not do that? Oh well, too late now. Read on for more of the latest mailbag edition that you will probably hate and rate a 2. (Yes, they are real fucking letters. Stop asking.)
I never did hear any answers back concerning all of the questions that I asked and, unfortunately, my website is still online, much to society's detriment. I was hoping for some kind of internet Hindenburg explosion once I never ponied up the cash but alas, it wasn't meant to be. Deep down inside, I have lost a little respect for ZeleniyHach but that's nothing that a little certificate couldn't cure. Hint, hint.
After sending that email, I waited for what seemed like seconds before I got a one-line reply from Stephen: "I hope whatever ails you is cured without too much pain." I quickly replied again and asked whether that was a "yes" or "no" to go ahead with Dream War II but no answer was ever returned. I literally have Dream War blue balls right now. I got so amped up and Stephen just left me hanging like the horrible person he is.
Fuck it. I'm going to write it anyway. The science fiction industry could do with some more gay dragons in space stories. At least I think so and when it comes to things around here, I am the only person that matters.
Stephen, if you ever contact me again and fail to mention how great my ideas were for Dream War II, I am going to fly out to whatever shit hole place you author your eBooks at and throw up all over you. I hate you that much. Until then, however, good day.
And it wouldn't be a mailbag without...
Quick Answers to Quick Questions
Hello,
Do you think Stephen Prosapio could be a more horrible person if he tried?
- Me
Dear Me,
No. No he could not.
That's all the time that we have for today. Now, I'm going to happily relinquish the mailbag reigns back to Art while I go hide in a cave and plot out my story arc for the new Dream War Saga Trilogy.
For a good number of years, the P.Net Mailbag series stood alone as the sole source of updates that involved us reading and responding to email from readers that we probably completely fabricated. If you were a fan of such things, you could rest easy at night knowing that we likely wouldn't sneak in a letter from a reader in some different update series because for the most part, we're not that clever. Also, we didn't get that many letters. But then came the spammers and it changed the whole game around. What started out as a one-time off-shoot has blossomed into some extremely lengthy multi-part adventures with actual people talking about stuff we don't have to make up. It's nice and easy. It's also overshadowed the actual Mailbag for the past year or so.
Not a big deal, right? I mean, the two series are completely different things because one is real and funny and the other is the exact opposite of whatever those previous two words meant. But what happens when you get sent a real, actual, verifiable letter by someone who is a spammer? As in, the letter is actually addressed to you and isn't trying to sell you Viagra or Nigerian cash. What do you do then? It can't go on as a Spamtastic Adventure because it'll never pan out and it can't be in the mailbag because it's not fiction. Do you just ignore it? Do you shoehorn it in somewhere else? Do you visit rentboy.com and try to blow off some steam? All of these questions are making my head hurt.
Well, the truth is that the mailbag is the mailbag because whether it used to be fake or not, it was the place where we originally started posting letters and our responses for all the world to see. So, it would only make sense that we continue that tradition, even it means completely breaking that tradition. Or something like that. Honestly, I haven't written a mailbag update myself since 2005 so it's not like I really know what I am talking about. But it didn't seem fair to make Art to do all the extra work while the letters were addressed to me, delivered to me, and answered by me. Wait, that makes perfect sense. Why the hell did I not do that? Oh well, too late now. Read on for more of the latest mailbag edition that you will probably hate and rate a 2. (Yes, they are real fucking letters. Stop asking.)
From: HERMANGLEE@YAHOO.COM
To: Pollestad.Net
Subject: Hosting - Important Updates and Information
You are welcomed with a command of hackers ZeleniyHach.
We hold a huge network of Distributed Denial Of Service Attack, allowing to suspend any web site. We have been watching POLLESTAD.NET and were able to find out that you have spent pretty money much for its advancement and we want to to offer you to spend a little more yet. Just as little as 200 bucks as a voluntary donation to our fund will keep your web site away from DDOS attack.
200 bucks is not so much also will help you to avoid greater problems in the future.
FOR DULLS..!!! IF YOU DO NOT OFFER TO US 200 bucks WE WILL KILL YOUR WEB SITE!
Unfortunately, we accept only Webmoney Paymer Cheks, so make sure to get your fat asses out and without assistance find out how to transfer money into it. We give you 48 hours. If after 48 hours we will not get 200 dollars, there is one more 0 will be added to 200 bucks, i.e. 2000 bucks and so on until you come to reason. (Stingy pays twice )
When you are ready, just send the check as your response to this message. In subject matter of the letter specify the domain with greater letters, it is a lot of you We are the one, respect our work.
Respectfully,
Top Manager of ZeleniyHach project.
--
Dear Top Manager of ZeleniyHach project,
My name is Randy Pollestad and I am so pleased to finally make your acquaintance. The internet has been a pretty lonely place for me ever since I lost the eye sight in both my front legs, so it's quite refreshing to be welcomed by a group such as yourselves. You seem so outgoing and cheerful and your email exudes so much excitement. I'm not going to lie: I'm semi-hard right now. Like, it was the craziest thing. I'm sitting here, naked and flaccid and then after I get midway through your email, I'm starting to sprout more wood than a tree farm. It's fucking insane. You're like the email equivalent of Viagra.
I think it's pretty cool that you and your friends have been checking out my site. I mean, it's not much to look at but as you noted, I have certainly "spent pretty money for its advancement." I wish everyone used pretty money. It really is the best kind of money. In fact, I have spent so much pretty money on advancement that my website is now a level 65 ranger elf. You know, all my friends told me that investing that kind of money was a mistake but hey, it caught your eye, right? My website also has a bunch of cool loot like a Power Sword and Helmet Of Faggotry +1. I'm hoping to turn around and sell those for profit one day but I really don't know very much about using the internet.
But hey, wait, you do. Right? I mean, you and your group of friends do, correct? (Not sure if I can call you guys *my* friends yet, so I am just using an abstract term here.) Maybe I can be a part of your group?
You see, I suck at using computers, mainly because I was born retarded, but perhaps we can work out some kind of trade deal? Like, for example, you would teach me how to be a cool hacker and how to use the internet for profit and I could teach you how to write in proper English. I mean, honestly, if you're going to run an extortion scheme, at least learn how to better speak the language of the people you're trying to get money from. It really helps the process go smoother. I'm not saying that I am an expert in extortion matters, although one time I did stick my finger inside the anus of a giraffe so I think I know a thing or two about whatever it was I was just talking about.
But we're going to have to discuss this fee, though. Because you said $200, which I could kind of suck up as an initiation fee into your group but it has taken more than 48 hours to reply and you wanted to up the price. $2000 is a bit steep? I mean, I'd spend that one some fine ass escort hookers in Vegas but unless you're a cute little Thai boy who puts out, $2000 is too much money. Maybe you can roll back the clock or something? Also, I'd kind of need something in writing that I was paying an initiation fee and not paying for my website. Maybe I can get some kind of certificate or something that says I am a member? Hopefully with a frame. I think $200 should buy a frame. Them shits is expensive.
So, OK, I think I am ready to join up. I don't have much to offer other than my $200 and a four inch penis but maybe that is enough? Also, sometimes my Grandma lets me play on WebTV when she goes to Bingo so I can bring that to team meetings or whatever. I don't really know how hacker groups work. Like, do we all wear uniforms or something? Do we have a team color, like a gang? If I see a rival clan on the other side of the street, do I have to hack their modem or something? How about a handbook? Do you guys have handbooks? That would be pretty cool, since it could get me up to speed on your secret handshakes and codewords and whatnot.
Ah, sorry if I am asking so many questions. I'm really just eager to learn and I am excited that you have reached out to me and accepted me as one of your own. Well, OK, you didn't really but I have kind of twisted that all around and I am considering this my application into your frat club. It's going to be so killer, You, me, and the world.
Anyway, hopefully you can get back to me soon because I am so eager to get started. Just need instructions on what to do. Looking forward to hearing back from you guys!
With Syphilis,
Randy Pollestad
I never did hear any answers back concerning all of the questions that I asked and, unfortunately, my website is still online, much to society's detriment. I was hoping for some kind of internet Hindenburg explosion once I never ponied up the cash but alas, it wasn't meant to be. Deep down inside, I have lost a little respect for ZeleniyHach but that's nothing that a little certificate couldn't cure. Hint, hint.
From: Stephen Prosapio [dream_warriors@ymail.com]
To: Randy Pollestad
Subject: Randy, have you heard about the Dream War?
Randy, I used to be in the hi-tech industry, and at one point you interacted with me or one of my recruiting partners. Now I'm a new author whose debut novel was just released as an eBook. Dream War, won an award in a national writing contest (back in 2007 before Inception), and it has gotten very enthusiastic reviews. Isabela Morales of The Scattering said, "Dream War is a spooky journey through the nightmare realm of the subconscious..."
I'm hoping you'll consider reading Dream War, and if you do, will take the time to review it, but of course, if it never makes your reading list, I certainly understand. Below is a brief description.
All the best to you,
Stephen Prosapio
==============
Author, Dream War
To purchase Dream War on Amazon.com:
[link removed because Stephen is probably a terrorist.]
Randy Pollestad, I sent this to you based on a potential interest in reading my novel; I don't wish to be an annoyance, so if at any time you wish to not hear about my writing, please reply back with "remove" in either the subject line or the body of the text and I'll respect your wishes.
--
Dear Stephen Prosapio, Author, Dream War,
Stephen, I used to be in the gay porno industry and at one point I probably contacted a nasty STD from you or from one of your recruiting partners. I've been waiting patiently for you to contact me because I got some unpaid hospital bills that could use your financial attention. Since you're a newly published author whose work you claim is getting very enthusiastic reviews, I figure you're also the type who probably just received some sort of advance on your book payout. So it looks like my luck might be changing a bit.
I mean, it's been tough dodging the medical bill collectors for the past five years but I never gave up hope. I figured, one day, we'd either have universal health care or I'd be getting a call from your lawyer telling me that you'd kicked the bucket and left me a nice sum in your will. Unfortunately for me, neither of those have happened yet but still, here you are reaching out and touching me once again with your syphilitic fingers.
But that's not to say that is the only reason that I am excited that you contacted me. You see, you and I have a lot in common beyond the obvious "disease that you gave me" stuff. Like you, I also used to be in the "hi-tech" industry but the funny thing is, people stop hiring you when you get a fat genital warts breakout all over your face. So I went about writing my own eBook and selling it on Amazon. It was called "how I got ugly ass face herpes from a guy named Stephen Prosapio while shooting a gay porno and instead of calling me the next day, he went out a wrote some book called Dream War which I think probably isn't very good." Admittedly, the title could probably use some trimming down but I'm pretty narcissistic and I don't believe in editing myself. Also, I have no idea what the word narcissistic means. (The bar of entry to be an eBook author is pretty low.)
And, for the sake of completeness, I will admit to not having read your book before deciding on that title, so I can't really say if your work is any good or not. However, I think I heard someone on Fox News say that you suck complete balls for stooping to the level of unsolicited email advertising to promote your book and I am willing to believe whatever they tell me.
Who knows? Maybe with our combined skill sets as awesome eBook authors, we could get together and write a screenplay about the zany world of eBook authoring. I'm thinking a comedy/drama kind of thing. Maybe with Will Farrell as the star? Either way, I know the "don't taze me, bro!" guy from that one video where he asked very loudly not to be tazed and I think he'd play a perfect you. I don't know, it could be a pretty heartwarming story where you die from AIDS at the end. What do you think?
Or would you rather stick to something that is more in your comfort zone? Like, maybe we could collaborate on a sequel to "Dream War" or something? Now, I know it's not my place because "Dream War" is your abortion but I've been doing some initial brainstorming and I think that we might be on to something here. Get this.. it's Dream War... but in space! With dragons! Gay Dragons! AWESOME GAY SPACE DRAGONS! Holy fucking shit! "Dream War II: In Space! Now with 15% more gay dragon action!" The marketing material basically writes itself. So much so that we wouldn't have to resort to spamming a bunch of people we didn't know to buy our book.
Maybe it's just me but I think that we might be on the verge of something really special here. I look forward to hearing back from you on this matter and letting me know what you think.
50% of the best to you,
Randy Pollestad
==============
Co-Author, Dream War II: In Space
P.S. Don't sue me because I stole your signature. It was pretty awesome.
After sending that email, I waited for what seemed like seconds before I got a one-line reply from Stephen: "I hope whatever ails you is cured without too much pain." I quickly replied again and asked whether that was a "yes" or "no" to go ahead with Dream War II but no answer was ever returned. I literally have Dream War blue balls right now. I got so amped up and Stephen just left me hanging like the horrible person he is.
Fuck it. I'm going to write it anyway. The science fiction industry could do with some more gay dragons in space stories. At least I think so and when it comes to things around here, I am the only person that matters.
Stephen, if you ever contact me again and fail to mention how great my ideas were for Dream War II, I am going to fly out to whatever shit hole place you author your eBooks at and throw up all over you. I hate you that much. Until then, however, good day.
And it wouldn't be a mailbag without...
Quick Answers to Quick Questions
Hello,
Do you think Stephen Prosapio could be a more horrible person if he tried?
- Me
Dear Me,
No. No he could not.
That's all the time that we have for today. Now, I'm going to happily relinquish the mailbag reigns back to Art while I go hide in a cave and plot out my story arc for the new Dream War Saga Trilogy.