The year was 2005 and I was on a Skip Walker world tour of the Asia Pacific region to shamelessly self-promote my greatness and to look for more Gremlins to feed after midnight. After receiving a reliable tip from an unreliable drunken sailor, I found myself in a little shop tucked away in a far corner of whatever city I was in at the time. Disappointed at the distinct lack of Gremlins to be had, I was about to put my cigarette out in the shop owner's eye when I stumbled upon what could only be called the eighth, ninth, and tenth wonders of the world. In front of my eyes lay three parchment scrolls, each containing one entire verse to the greatest rap song of all time, Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby." After picking up my jaw and self-respect off the floor, I had a moment of pure enlightenment and my path to the future was clear. It was my duty to decipher the true meaning of the song lyrics and spread this knowledge to the world.
When I first started my journey down this lyrical yellow brick road, I figured that I would be able to make quick work of the project and move on to other things. Probably similar to how Ice thought that he'd be able to follow up "To The Extreme" with anything that didn't sound like complete horseshit. I mean, Vanilla Ice isn't exactly known for dropping science. Unfortunately for us, we were both wrong. You see, while I was able to knock out the first and second verses in under a year, I clearly underestimated the depth of the third and final verse. It contained a deeper, more complex meaning than I had previously seen; a verse that, on the surface, looked like it written by a 12 year old but in reality was more along the lines of The DaVinci Code mixed with National Treasure.
It has taken me almost five years but I am happy to announce the completion of the deconstruction of the third and final verse of the "Ice Ice Baby." Read on and become a better person.
(Read the "Deconstructing Ice" series in its entirety here)
Verse Three
"Take heed, cause I'm a lyrical poet"
Ice starts out his final verse with a very simple directive. You, the listener (and I suppose anyone who might be sitting near you), should be paying attention to Vanilla Ice because he is a lyrical poet. Never mind the fact that you've already listened to the two previous verses of this song, the quality of which is only rivaled by what Ice plans on bringing down in the third verse. You're a Vanilla Ice fan. Of course you're paying attention. It's just that Ice realizes that you've been away listening to all four bars of the hook and he feels the need to remind you that he is the one who has been rapping this entire time. Rapping lyrically. Like a poet would do. Please do not try and compare Ice to those poet-types who do not talk lyrically because that comparison would not be apt.
"Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it"
If you're starting to see a pattern of Vanilla Ice stating the obvious and bringing up things you already know, welcome to the blueprint for the third verse. It's not that Vanilla Ice thinks that you're dumb but more along the lines that he is trying to impart some very specific nuggets of wisdom on you before the song ends and he is running out of time. You see, despite the fact that he has been rapping about Miami non-stop for the previous two verses of the song, Ice just wants to make it very clear to you that it is Miami he's talking about. Not Miami, Idaho either. Miami, Florida. I am pretty sure that no town in Idaho can be considered "on the scene."
"My town, that created all the bass sound"
While I am in no position to question the almighty Ice's claims since I feel that, ultimately, history will confirm my suspicions that he is the greatest musical artist of all time, I would be remiss if I didn't raise a question here that has been causing me some confusion. What town is he talking about? I mean, you'd probably just assume Miami but without Ice verbally reiterating what he means and beating us over the head with it, I'm left a little dumbfounded. I tried to do some internet research on the history of bass to try and clarify his statement but after Wikipedia didn't provide the answer, I got bored and watched a bunch of cute puppy videos on Youtube.
"Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground"
I'm no expert on sound or safety by any means but I would think that a stereo system that could physically create holes in the ground based on bass output is something that wouldn't go over well with the modern consumer. Especially if the stereo system was prone to shaking the entire place prior to kicking holes in the ground. Like, I don't even understand how a stereo system could do that. Did it come with some kind of metal boot or jackhammer attachment? Maybe if the bass got over a certain level and you resided in a house in or around the Miami area, it would activate and just go nuts kicking holes all over the place. Honestly, it doesn't sound all that great to me but if Ice recommends it, maybe I should look into it. Maybe I can find one on sale so that I can have some money left over to repair my floor.
"Cause my style's like a chemical spill"
What? Your style is hazardous to the listener's health? Your style is the responsibility of a global oil company who ignored safety regulations in search of profit? Your style kills wildlife in the gulf coast? Your style can be defeated with garbage and golf balls? Your style is sticky and gets all over everything making a huge, gigantic mess that will damage the environment for years? If your style is anything like those aforementioned things, I'm not sure why you would adopt that style. In the future, please think about using metaphors that make sense.
"Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel"
Reminder: Vanilla Ice is a lyrical poet. However, not all lyrical poets are created equal. While most lyrical poets have rhymes, not all of those rhymes are feasible and an even smaller subset of those rhymes can you actually vision and feel. In fact, it takes a very special type of lyrical poet to come up with the idea that someone could "vision" his rhymes and I think we, as Vanilla Ice fans, owe it to ourselves to start using the word "vision" in a more Ice-tastic sense. "Hey! You better slow down. Don't you vision that stop sign up ahead?" Maybe Jimmy Cliff can make another comeback hit with, "I Can Vision Clearly Now That The Rain Is Gone." One can only hope.
"Conducted and formed, this is a hell of a concept"
Yes, words that are conducted and formed in a rhythmic manner while accompanying background music is indeed a hell of a concept. Whoever came up with being lyrical whilst telling poetry should get a prize. And that prize should be the pleasure of listening to Vanilla Ice conduct and form rhymes for the next ten years. Speaking of rhymes, anyone notice that Ice stopped rhyming any actual words in the past couple of lines? I don't care how idiotically you say the word "spill" it doesn't rhyme with "feel." Vanilla Ice knows irony.
"We make it hype and you want to step with this"
Just to bring you up to speed, in case you left your late 80's urban dictionary at home, "hype" is a good thing and when someone is hype about something, that means they are excited about it. To "step" is to dance, so Ice is talking about making "it" hype enough that you will want to dance with what he is providing musically. Just don't think about what Vanilla Ice is saying too hard during this time because you might wind up getting "hype" for all the wrong reasons and then accidentally "step" on Ice's face while on your way out the door.
"Shay plays on the fade"
Look, I'm not the type of person to really delve into other people's business but I'm also not the type of person to stand around when I see an injustice occurring. An injustice like, I don't know, hiring someone named "Shay" to be your DJ and instead of putting in a lot of work for you, he's just standing there playing on the fade. Given that you're the one telling me about his actions, it sounds like you already know of this behavior and condone it. I don't understand. He has a job to do. You, as his boss, should be enforcing and encouraging good work ethic. The only person that should be allowed to get paid for playing with a fade all day is a person who holds the job title of "fade player." Last I checked, DJ does not equal fade player. Also, I am not 100% sure that this line isn't some kind of sexual innuendo and until I have it figured out, I am going to kindly ask that you tell Shay not to play with his fade around children just to be safe.
"Slice like a ninja, cut like a razor blade"
OK, maybe I am reading too much into this but this "Shay" character seems quite dangerous. I mean, one minute he's running around playing with his fade in front of anyone with $5 and the next he's jumping up and down like an idiot in pajamas waving a sword and cutting shit in half. And while he might have the speed of a ninja, he never learned how to be quiet like one so he's making all kinds of noise. When you point out the fact that you can see and hear him sneaking around with his sword and fade, he puts his finger to his lips and goes "Sssshhhh." I didn't read up much on the actual subject but I'm going to take a while guess and say that real ninjas don't say "ssshhhh."
"So fast, other DJs say, 'Damn'"
While much of what Ice has said during this third verse has been brought into question, I can confirm that, in the very least, this statement is true. During my five-year investigation into these lyrical masterpieces, I have interviewed a number of different DJs in mahy cities and of all skill levels and they have all said "damn" at one time or another. Some of those "damns" could have even been about how fast Shay plays on his fade but I honestly can't be sure. I wasn't taking notes. But I am pretty confident in backing up Ice's claim that other DJs do at one time or another say "damn" and I think if I saw Shay playing with his fade really fast, I would also say "damn." Damn.
"If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram"
Imagine if you will a world where Vanilla Ice's rhymes were drugs, rhymes that are being sold not by the song but by the gram. Sure, the rhymes would be legal and widely available for a while until some suburban teenagers would misuse and overdose on them. The Government would get involved and after some lab testing, would label his rhymes a Schedule I controlled substance and made illegal. Ice's rhymes would be sold underground for a while until a movement would pass Congress making medical Ice rhymes legal in some states. If you could convince your doctor that you needed Ice's rhymes for medical reasons, he would issue you a card that you could redeem at rhyme dispensaries for some of the good stuff. Thankfully, that never came to pass. You can still go to Sam Goody and pick up some Ice rhymes. Or grab it off iTunes. Digital Ice rhymes. Whatever. Pick your poison. Still, if I were Vanilla Ice and my rhymes were actual drugs, I don't think I would nickel and dime around. My rhymes would be sold by kilo. Fuck a gram.
"Keep my composure when it's time to get loose"
Ice never fails to point out where his behavior contradicts any normal, sane human being. For example, back in verse two, Ice talks about seeing a number of really fine ladies on the street wearing less than bikinis. Would you stop? Yes. Did Ice stop? No, he just drove by. Now, here in the middle of the third verse, he does it again. He's very adamant about keeping his composure despite the fact that it is clearly time to get loose. You can't even debate that it is some other time other than "get loose" time because he goes out of his way to tell you it is time to get loose. That's like keeping your hunger when it's time to eat dinner or something. It doesn't make any sense but that is just one of the 15 different reasons that Vanilla Ice takes things TO THE EXTREME.
"Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice"
Ice, I'm no scientist of medicine or anything but what you describe there sounds kind of serious. Did you ever get yourself checked out? Like, maybe it's a chronic medical condition or something. Perhaps an involuntary leg seizure. Whatever it is, it doesn't sound good. Are you allergic to magnetism maybe? I'm not trying to be invasive; I just want to get to the bottom of your juice kicking habit when you're getting magnetized by the mic. Maybe you should look into better shielded equipment? I mean, if your microphone is seriously causing you to kick over boxes of juice every time you touch it, perhaps you should look into a different vocal enhancement instrument? Like maybe a megaphone or perhaps a regular telephone that is somehow connected to a really loud speaker? I don't know how that all would work out -- I'm just throwing out possible suggestions. Do you have a sign at your shows that says something like "Please do not feed the Vanilla Ice?" Because I could see some very upset promoters that book you only to find out after the fact that there is juice spilled all over the place. Does your contract stipulate that you should never perform on carpet? I'm just asking because juice stains are really hard to get out of carpet. You should think about these things. You're never too big a star to stop being respectful.
"If there was a problem yo, I'll solve it"
Look Ice, we get it. You solve problems when they arise. You've told us that three times already. You're a great problem solver. Hooray! But honestly, you should be a bit more careful about what you boast about because you never know, someone might actually put you on the hook to solve something one day. Take BP for instance. I bet if you asked them in 2009 how they felt about oil spills, they'd say, "Oh, well, if there was a spill, we'd clean it up." It's all fun and games hypothetically but one day, a spill or a problem does come and then what? Now everyone is looking at you to solve it like you said you would and frankly Ice, having sat through three excruciating rap verses with you, I just don't think that you are capable of doing much more than telling incomprehensible stories. Stories don't solve problems, unless your problem was that you were bored and wanted a story, but that's kind of rare.
"Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it"
These words, they are bittersweet. On one hand, they provide me release from pouring over these infernal documents containing your written word. On the other, it does signal the end of the greatest thing ever put on paper. After this, there is nothing but some words that you are saying to my mother for whatever reason. I'd suggest not bringing her into this mess but you're probably going to do it anyway. And your DJ will be sitting there revolving it the whole time. Oblivious, and in a way, I envy him. You see, he is with you all the time but his role requires him to wear headphones so he doesn't have to listen to your shit. It's the best of both worlds. So, without much else in the way of an official sign-off and the end of five years of laborious work pouring over your every written word, I say revolve on, DJ. Revolve on. I hope that hook lasts forever.
If you have any suggestions for songs that could use deconstruction, hit me up at skipwalker@pollestad.net
When I first started my journey down this lyrical yellow brick road, I figured that I would be able to make quick work of the project and move on to other things. Probably similar to how Ice thought that he'd be able to follow up "To The Extreme" with anything that didn't sound like complete horseshit. I mean, Vanilla Ice isn't exactly known for dropping science. Unfortunately for us, we were both wrong. You see, while I was able to knock out the first and second verses in under a year, I clearly underestimated the depth of the third and final verse. It contained a deeper, more complex meaning than I had previously seen; a verse that, on the surface, looked like it written by a 12 year old but in reality was more along the lines of The DaVinci Code mixed with National Treasure.
It has taken me almost five years but I am happy to announce the completion of the deconstruction of the third and final verse of the "Ice Ice Baby." Read on and become a better person.
(Read the "Deconstructing Ice" series in its entirety here)
Verse Three
"Take heed, cause I'm a lyrical poet"
Ice starts out his final verse with a very simple directive. You, the listener (and I suppose anyone who might be sitting near you), should be paying attention to Vanilla Ice because he is a lyrical poet. Never mind the fact that you've already listened to the two previous verses of this song, the quality of which is only rivaled by what Ice plans on bringing down in the third verse. You're a Vanilla Ice fan. Of course you're paying attention. It's just that Ice realizes that you've been away listening to all four bars of the hook and he feels the need to remind you that he is the one who has been rapping this entire time. Rapping lyrically. Like a poet would do. Please do not try and compare Ice to those poet-types who do not talk lyrically because that comparison would not be apt.
"Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it"
If you're starting to see a pattern of Vanilla Ice stating the obvious and bringing up things you already know, welcome to the blueprint for the third verse. It's not that Vanilla Ice thinks that you're dumb but more along the lines that he is trying to impart some very specific nuggets of wisdom on you before the song ends and he is running out of time. You see, despite the fact that he has been rapping about Miami non-stop for the previous two verses of the song, Ice just wants to make it very clear to you that it is Miami he's talking about. Not Miami, Idaho either. Miami, Florida. I am pretty sure that no town in Idaho can be considered "on the scene."
"My town, that created all the bass sound"
While I am in no position to question the almighty Ice's claims since I feel that, ultimately, history will confirm my suspicions that he is the greatest musical artist of all time, I would be remiss if I didn't raise a question here that has been causing me some confusion. What town is he talking about? I mean, you'd probably just assume Miami but without Ice verbally reiterating what he means and beating us over the head with it, I'm left a little dumbfounded. I tried to do some internet research on the history of bass to try and clarify his statement but after Wikipedia didn't provide the answer, I got bored and watched a bunch of cute puppy videos on Youtube.
"Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground"
I'm no expert on sound or safety by any means but I would think that a stereo system that could physically create holes in the ground based on bass output is something that wouldn't go over well with the modern consumer. Especially if the stereo system was prone to shaking the entire place prior to kicking holes in the ground. Like, I don't even understand how a stereo system could do that. Did it come with some kind of metal boot or jackhammer attachment? Maybe if the bass got over a certain level and you resided in a house in or around the Miami area, it would activate and just go nuts kicking holes all over the place. Honestly, it doesn't sound all that great to me but if Ice recommends it, maybe I should look into it. Maybe I can find one on sale so that I can have some money left over to repair my floor.
"Cause my style's like a chemical spill"
What? Your style is hazardous to the listener's health? Your style is the responsibility of a global oil company who ignored safety regulations in search of profit? Your style kills wildlife in the gulf coast? Your style can be defeated with garbage and golf balls? Your style is sticky and gets all over everything making a huge, gigantic mess that will damage the environment for years? If your style is anything like those aforementioned things, I'm not sure why you would adopt that style. In the future, please think about using metaphors that make sense.
"Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel"
Reminder: Vanilla Ice is a lyrical poet. However, not all lyrical poets are created equal. While most lyrical poets have rhymes, not all of those rhymes are feasible and an even smaller subset of those rhymes can you actually vision and feel. In fact, it takes a very special type of lyrical poet to come up with the idea that someone could "vision" his rhymes and I think we, as Vanilla Ice fans, owe it to ourselves to start using the word "vision" in a more Ice-tastic sense. "Hey! You better slow down. Don't you vision that stop sign up ahead?" Maybe Jimmy Cliff can make another comeback hit with, "I Can Vision Clearly Now That The Rain Is Gone." One can only hope.
"Conducted and formed, this is a hell of a concept"
Yes, words that are conducted and formed in a rhythmic manner while accompanying background music is indeed a hell of a concept. Whoever came up with being lyrical whilst telling poetry should get a prize. And that prize should be the pleasure of listening to Vanilla Ice conduct and form rhymes for the next ten years. Speaking of rhymes, anyone notice that Ice stopped rhyming any actual words in the past couple of lines? I don't care how idiotically you say the word "spill" it doesn't rhyme with "feel." Vanilla Ice knows irony.
"We make it hype and you want to step with this"
Just to bring you up to speed, in case you left your late 80's urban dictionary at home, "hype" is a good thing and when someone is hype about something, that means they are excited about it. To "step" is to dance, so Ice is talking about making "it" hype enough that you will want to dance with what he is providing musically. Just don't think about what Vanilla Ice is saying too hard during this time because you might wind up getting "hype" for all the wrong reasons and then accidentally "step" on Ice's face while on your way out the door.
"Shay plays on the fade"
Look, I'm not the type of person to really delve into other people's business but I'm also not the type of person to stand around when I see an injustice occurring. An injustice like, I don't know, hiring someone named "Shay" to be your DJ and instead of putting in a lot of work for you, he's just standing there playing on the fade. Given that you're the one telling me about his actions, it sounds like you already know of this behavior and condone it. I don't understand. He has a job to do. You, as his boss, should be enforcing and encouraging good work ethic. The only person that should be allowed to get paid for playing with a fade all day is a person who holds the job title of "fade player." Last I checked, DJ does not equal fade player. Also, I am not 100% sure that this line isn't some kind of sexual innuendo and until I have it figured out, I am going to kindly ask that you tell Shay not to play with his fade around children just to be safe.
"Slice like a ninja, cut like a razor blade"
OK, maybe I am reading too much into this but this "Shay" character seems quite dangerous. I mean, one minute he's running around playing with his fade in front of anyone with $5 and the next he's jumping up and down like an idiot in pajamas waving a sword and cutting shit in half. And while he might have the speed of a ninja, he never learned how to be quiet like one so he's making all kinds of noise. When you point out the fact that you can see and hear him sneaking around with his sword and fade, he puts his finger to his lips and goes "Sssshhhh." I didn't read up much on the actual subject but I'm going to take a while guess and say that real ninjas don't say "ssshhhh."
"So fast, other DJs say, 'Damn'"
While much of what Ice has said during this third verse has been brought into question, I can confirm that, in the very least, this statement is true. During my five-year investigation into these lyrical masterpieces, I have interviewed a number of different DJs in mahy cities and of all skill levels and they have all said "damn" at one time or another. Some of those "damns" could have even been about how fast Shay plays on his fade but I honestly can't be sure. I wasn't taking notes. But I am pretty confident in backing up Ice's claim that other DJs do at one time or another say "damn" and I think if I saw Shay playing with his fade really fast, I would also say "damn." Damn.
"If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram"
Imagine if you will a world where Vanilla Ice's rhymes were drugs, rhymes that are being sold not by the song but by the gram. Sure, the rhymes would be legal and widely available for a while until some suburban teenagers would misuse and overdose on them. The Government would get involved and after some lab testing, would label his rhymes a Schedule I controlled substance and made illegal. Ice's rhymes would be sold underground for a while until a movement would pass Congress making medical Ice rhymes legal in some states. If you could convince your doctor that you needed Ice's rhymes for medical reasons, he would issue you a card that you could redeem at rhyme dispensaries for some of the good stuff. Thankfully, that never came to pass. You can still go to Sam Goody and pick up some Ice rhymes. Or grab it off iTunes. Digital Ice rhymes. Whatever. Pick your poison. Still, if I were Vanilla Ice and my rhymes were actual drugs, I don't think I would nickel and dime around. My rhymes would be sold by kilo. Fuck a gram.
"Keep my composure when it's time to get loose"
Ice never fails to point out where his behavior contradicts any normal, sane human being. For example, back in verse two, Ice talks about seeing a number of really fine ladies on the street wearing less than bikinis. Would you stop? Yes. Did Ice stop? No, he just drove by. Now, here in the middle of the third verse, he does it again. He's very adamant about keeping his composure despite the fact that it is clearly time to get loose. You can't even debate that it is some other time other than "get loose" time because he goes out of his way to tell you it is time to get loose. That's like keeping your hunger when it's time to eat dinner or something. It doesn't make any sense but that is just one of the 15 different reasons that Vanilla Ice takes things TO THE EXTREME.
"Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice"
Ice, I'm no scientist of medicine or anything but what you describe there sounds kind of serious. Did you ever get yourself checked out? Like, maybe it's a chronic medical condition or something. Perhaps an involuntary leg seizure. Whatever it is, it doesn't sound good. Are you allergic to magnetism maybe? I'm not trying to be invasive; I just want to get to the bottom of your juice kicking habit when you're getting magnetized by the mic. Maybe you should look into better shielded equipment? I mean, if your microphone is seriously causing you to kick over boxes of juice every time you touch it, perhaps you should look into a different vocal enhancement instrument? Like maybe a megaphone or perhaps a regular telephone that is somehow connected to a really loud speaker? I don't know how that all would work out -- I'm just throwing out possible suggestions. Do you have a sign at your shows that says something like "Please do not feed the Vanilla Ice?" Because I could see some very upset promoters that book you only to find out after the fact that there is juice spilled all over the place. Does your contract stipulate that you should never perform on carpet? I'm just asking because juice stains are really hard to get out of carpet. You should think about these things. You're never too big a star to stop being respectful.
"If there was a problem yo, I'll solve it"
Look Ice, we get it. You solve problems when they arise. You've told us that three times already. You're a great problem solver. Hooray! But honestly, you should be a bit more careful about what you boast about because you never know, someone might actually put you on the hook to solve something one day. Take BP for instance. I bet if you asked them in 2009 how they felt about oil spills, they'd say, "Oh, well, if there was a spill, we'd clean it up." It's all fun and games hypothetically but one day, a spill or a problem does come and then what? Now everyone is looking at you to solve it like you said you would and frankly Ice, having sat through three excruciating rap verses with you, I just don't think that you are capable of doing much more than telling incomprehensible stories. Stories don't solve problems, unless your problem was that you were bored and wanted a story, but that's kind of rare.
"Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it"
These words, they are bittersweet. On one hand, they provide me release from pouring over these infernal documents containing your written word. On the other, it does signal the end of the greatest thing ever put on paper. After this, there is nothing but some words that you are saying to my mother for whatever reason. I'd suggest not bringing her into this mess but you're probably going to do it anyway. And your DJ will be sitting there revolving it the whole time. Oblivious, and in a way, I envy him. You see, he is with you all the time but his role requires him to wear headphones so he doesn't have to listen to your shit. It's the best of both worlds. So, without much else in the way of an official sign-off and the end of five years of laborious work pouring over your every written word, I say revolve on, DJ. Revolve on. I hope that hook lasts forever.
If you have any suggestions for songs that could use deconstruction, hit me up at skipwalker@pollestad.net