Greetings, ladies and internet gentlemens! Most of you probably know me from my awesome Facebook page (link) but for those who do not, my name is Julie Pollestad and I am almost six months old. Welcome to my first update! Everyone seems really surprised that me, a baby, is sitting here updating things on the internet but come on, I heard about those Windows 7 commercials while I was in the womb. I know all about that four-year old Chinese girl who was updating her photo album on television and I'm not about to let her outshine me. Not that I am using Windows 7, mind you, I'm just saying that computers aren't as hard to use as you seem to think they are. We'll upgrade to Windows 7 at home some day, I'm guessing. Probably in four years once it's obsolete. Still, I'm certain that my dad could out "tech" your dad any day and that's especially damning because I'm pretty sure that the medical community labels my dad as borderline retarded.
But don't let my tainted bloodline fool you. I'm as enterprising as they come. I know I am young but I got big plans for this life of mine. Sure, for now, I got my little sub-domain where I host some pictures and whatnot but I'll be running this whole Pollestad.Net empire before you know it. Well, not that anyone could really tell since the company already looks like it's being run by a newborn baby anyway. For reals, that little baby from the Etrade commercials ain't got nothing on me. I'm just tired of people underestimating me, you know?
For example, the other day, I'm at the doctor getting all my stuff checked out. I'm getting some shots and whatever but it ain't no thing, really. I let out a couple of cries but that's just kind of for show. People would think it was weird if I didn't cry and it's a lot easier to play along then to have to diagram the whole thing out on a whiteboard about how I am not a gigantic sissy. Everyone would be like, "you're a baby; where did you learn to diagram on the whiteboard" and then I would have to bust out some kind of PowerPoint presentation about where I got my white boarding skills, which would lead to questions about my PowerPoint skills and so on. It'd seriously take forever and we'd never get to the bottom of anything. I'm a baby, I'm not stupid.
So, anyway, I'm finishing up and we're getting ready to leave when this other baby in the room next to me starts talking trash. Saying things like my momma's milk is no good and that my daddy buys me toys with lead in them. Just out of the blue. Like he sized me up from across the office and just figured I was an easy mark. I'm tired of that. I'm six months old, not six weeks old for crying out loud. Well, anyway, long story short, I don't think he'll be talking much trash in the future. I scratched that fucker up really good. I would have bit him but, you know, I don't quite have the total control over my body that I wish I did. Mom literally had to pull me off of this kid and carry me out the door. Granted, she was going to have to do that anyway but the whole time I'm eying the kid and wishing he would say something else. Just wait until I can crawl or walk. I'll be back for round two, you asshat.
Damn, all this typing is getting me hungry. Going to have to pop some bottles of boob milk soon. I don't know what Snapple is talking about, this stuff is seriously the best stuff on Earth. I don't even know what a Snapple is. Stupid grown ups just making up words. I'm pretty sure that's our job as babies. You guys stick to whatever is in the dictionary. I'm not going to lie though. I've been eating like a mofo. I'm like 14 pounds now or something. I can't weigh myself yet so that's just speculation but I'm sure it's close enough. I'm not really one to condone bulimia or anything but I'm just saying that a couple visits to the gym probably wouldn't hurt anything. My thighs are all saggy and I'm starting to get this little gut. People always talk about "aww, cute little baby fat" but damn, baby just want to be skinny. Obesity ain't no joke. Ju-Ju, I'm pouring a little milk out for you, homie. I hope you're in a better place now. You were everything I wanted to be except, you know, not fat. Not going to pretend that I didn't warn you and you shouldn't have been on that roller coaster anyway. Seriously, you had to be this tall to ride the ride. How did you even get on there?
Some babies are just crazy and there isn't much you can do about that. You can preach all you want about hating the player and not the game but haters, they are going to hate whatever they want to hate. I don't really have time to sit around and be concerned with what you're doing. I'm a baby and I've got places to go and people to see. Every day is Friday when you're a baby. Mommy always puts me in some kind of fly little onesie or sleep-n-play so you know I'm ready for anything that comes. Sure, it might have some flowers or a cute saying on it but don't let that fool you. I'm ready to throw down if needed. OK, so "throw down" in this case means more along the lines of "flop around and wiggle while waving my arms wildly" but I think you get the point. Julie Pollestad is not to be messed with.
But I think it's time to start wrapping this thing up now. It looks like the little chemical strip on the front of my diaper just changed colors, which means I probably just pissed myself and I'm going to get this uncontrollable urge to cry. You probably wouldn't like me when I am crying. Byproduct of being a baby, I guess. Still, all in all, not bad for a first update attempt. I didn't mention Sesame Street or Justin Bieber once. Go me! Look for more adventures from me soon and check out my Facebook page for all the great pictures and the latest baby news. Got something else to say? Hit me up at baby@pollestad.net and I'll set the record straight.
But don't let my tainted bloodline fool you. I'm as enterprising as they come. I know I am young but I got big plans for this life of mine. Sure, for now, I got my little sub-domain where I host some pictures and whatnot but I'll be running this whole Pollestad.Net empire before you know it. Well, not that anyone could really tell since the company already looks like it's being run by a newborn baby anyway. For reals, that little baby from the Etrade commercials ain't got nothing on me. I'm just tired of people underestimating me, you know?
For example, the other day, I'm at the doctor getting all my stuff checked out. I'm getting some shots and whatever but it ain't no thing, really. I let out a couple of cries but that's just kind of for show. People would think it was weird if I didn't cry and it's a lot easier to play along then to have to diagram the whole thing out on a whiteboard about how I am not a gigantic sissy. Everyone would be like, "you're a baby; where did you learn to diagram on the whiteboard" and then I would have to bust out some kind of PowerPoint presentation about where I got my white boarding skills, which would lead to questions about my PowerPoint skills and so on. It'd seriously take forever and we'd never get to the bottom of anything. I'm a baby, I'm not stupid.
So, anyway, I'm finishing up and we're getting ready to leave when this other baby in the room next to me starts talking trash. Saying things like my momma's milk is no good and that my daddy buys me toys with lead in them. Just out of the blue. Like he sized me up from across the office and just figured I was an easy mark. I'm tired of that. I'm six months old, not six weeks old for crying out loud. Well, anyway, long story short, I don't think he'll be talking much trash in the future. I scratched that fucker up really good. I would have bit him but, you know, I don't quite have the total control over my body that I wish I did. Mom literally had to pull me off of this kid and carry me out the door. Granted, she was going to have to do that anyway but the whole time I'm eying the kid and wishing he would say something else. Just wait until I can crawl or walk. I'll be back for round two, you asshat.
Damn, all this typing is getting me hungry. Going to have to pop some bottles of boob milk soon. I don't know what Snapple is talking about, this stuff is seriously the best stuff on Earth. I don't even know what a Snapple is. Stupid grown ups just making up words. I'm pretty sure that's our job as babies. You guys stick to whatever is in the dictionary. I'm not going to lie though. I've been eating like a mofo. I'm like 14 pounds now or something. I can't weigh myself yet so that's just speculation but I'm sure it's close enough. I'm not really one to condone bulimia or anything but I'm just saying that a couple visits to the gym probably wouldn't hurt anything. My thighs are all saggy and I'm starting to get this little gut. People always talk about "aww, cute little baby fat" but damn, baby just want to be skinny. Obesity ain't no joke. Ju-Ju, I'm pouring a little milk out for you, homie. I hope you're in a better place now. You were everything I wanted to be except, you know, not fat. Not going to pretend that I didn't warn you and you shouldn't have been on that roller coaster anyway. Seriously, you had to be this tall to ride the ride. How did you even get on there?
Some babies are just crazy and there isn't much you can do about that. You can preach all you want about hating the player and not the game but haters, they are going to hate whatever they want to hate. I don't really have time to sit around and be concerned with what you're doing. I'm a baby and I've got places to go and people to see. Every day is Friday when you're a baby. Mommy always puts me in some kind of fly little onesie or sleep-n-play so you know I'm ready for anything that comes. Sure, it might have some flowers or a cute saying on it but don't let that fool you. I'm ready to throw down if needed. OK, so "throw down" in this case means more along the lines of "flop around and wiggle while waving my arms wildly" but I think you get the point. Julie Pollestad is not to be messed with.
But I think it's time to start wrapping this thing up now. It looks like the little chemical strip on the front of my diaper just changed colors, which means I probably just pissed myself and I'm going to get this uncontrollable urge to cry. You probably wouldn't like me when I am crying. Byproduct of being a baby, I guess. Still, all in all, not bad for a first update attempt. I didn't mention Sesame Street or Justin Bieber once. Go me! Look for more adventures from me soon and check out my Facebook page for all the great pictures and the latest baby news. Got something else to say? Hit me up at baby@pollestad.net and I'll set the record straight.