As a person who greatly loves receiving spam mail, I have to admit some small twinge of excitement whenever I am able to embark on a brand new Spamtastic adventure. Unfortunately, since I also greatly love having free time and not wasting it on "crappy internet shit," this hobby can also be a very conflicting and frustrating endeavor. As you many have noticed, I haven't been updating very much and those updates that do come through have little or nothing to do with spam. I'm sure that there is a good reason for this somewhere but I thought about it, got bored with myself, and decided to inject cocaine directly into my eyeball. As far as I can tell, doing it wrong still gets you high.

During the period while I was off ignoring my computer, internet reader T.Smith emailed me to let me know that she had stumbled upon the site after she received a suspicious email from one Richard E. Hobberman. You might remember Richard from adventures past, where he offered me a job in India and then we got kind of gay with each other. While I haven't spoken with Richard in roughly a year, it turns out he hasn't stopped running his scam. T.Smith is a wedding photographer and it turns out that Richard needed to acquire her services.

Thanks to my previous adventures with Richard, she realized that he was probably full of crap and forwarded the email to me so that Richard and I can have some happy time again. I'll admit to feeling touched that someone bothered to read something I wrote but then felt even more touched when I put my hand down my pants and thought of conversing with Richard Hobberman again. Would he remember me? Could we re-spark what little flame we had burning? Only time and a few emails will tell.

Check out the original email that Richard sent to not me:

From: Richard E. Hobberman [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Service needed.

Hello,

Good day to you, I am Richard from The United States Of America, I will be coming over to Europe on the 30th of June, for My Second Year wedding anniversary.

I am Emailing you because I will need your service on the Day of the Occasion as our photographer for About 3 hours between (9am to 12pm).

However I want you to take the pictures of Me and My wife together and also both of us and the Invited Guests as well,we've reduced the number of pictures needed to 50 peices for the day, the sizes really needed are: 5"X7",12"x18" and 16"x24 and all other types of photographs that you can take with your experience,A Portrait for Me and My Wife is OK,Some Individuals,and also group pictures, with Our Guests who are Invited from America and Europe.I hope with your wealth of Experience you will be able to make this Day A Memorable Day and a Glittering One.

Kindly let me have your Quotes for The service of the day and your Method of Payment inclusive of your Traveling Expenses as that will be taken care of separately.

I will need your total Charge for the day promptly.

Thanks
Dr.Richard Hobberman.

It looks like Richard has been busy since we last spoke, moving to America and apparently getting his doctorate. Unfortunately, he didn't spend any of that time getting to know his keyboard or the English language any better than he used to.

Still, typos and horrible punctuation aside, it could seem like a legit email. Thankfully, I'm not in the wedding photo business and could care less about his needs. I'm in this for the love of Richard.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: r.hobberman@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Service needed.

Richard Hobberman!

It is me, your old friend Roger Garrison!

Wow, the internet sure is a small place. There I was perusing my inbox with no clothes on when I stumble upon your message that a friend forwarded me. Imagine my surprise to find out that you're in the United States now, not to mention having obtained your doctorate AND ARE GETTING FUCKING MARRIED!

Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were business partners. Above that, I thought that we were friends. Sure, we haven't spoken in almost a year but I just figured that is how you wanted to keep things. Maybe things between us were getting a little hot and heavy. Maybe you got busy with work.

I will admit that I never did get any work or money from you but I don't let that get in the way of still putting you down as a reference on my resume. I work at Chuck E. Cheese now as a night manager so I can only assume that you gave me high marks as an employee when they called. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't hand out this job to just anyone.

SO!! Tell me about this marriage of yours! Is it a sham? A cover because you're secretly doing lines of meth off someone you purchased from rentboy.com? I'm going to assume that my invitation is in the mail? If not, I'm pretty good at crashing parties. (I just, you know, need information on the time and place.)

I miss our constant email interaction and our erratic business relationship. It was seriously the only thing keeping me sane. But hey, we've reunited, right?

Give me the good word on what you've been up to. Also, let me know if you're on Facebook or something so I can friend you and we can like each other's comments. I could really use the help.

With Feline Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Will he remember me? Did I come on too strong? What if his wife reads this? Did I flush the dog down the toilet on accident? These are the questions that were running through my head after I clicked send. Thankfully, I have little to fear when it comes to Richard and him not replying. If anything, he's one of the quickest spam repliers out there for whatever reason. I bet he has some major email business going on.

Let's see what he has been up to.

From: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: Service needed.

Dear Roger,

Hey it's really nice and Wonderful to hear from you again....and you cant imagine how i am blushing right now to read your extensive mail which you are very well know for.I have been over somethings of late and i have not really had enough time to sit behind the PC to send emails unless the need arise.

Yes i am actually celebrating the 2nd Anniversary of our wedding year and it.s gonna be in grand style in the United Kingdom so it's not in the United States as you presume it was.If you wanna come along i can invite you to come along.The Photographer i contacted,i dont know if he is a friend of yours but i really do need his service of covering the Event.

As for you i am so glad to hear you have gotten a Job as of late and that My Name has really awarded you the opportunity to get a Paying job.But i want you to know there is still alot of things we can do together and if you are interested you can get back to me as soon as possible.First if you have a Capital One Account this is gonna fetch you alot of money.Just get back to me as soon as possible.I will be waiting to read from you soonest,Take care of yourself.

Richard.

OK, so now it seems like I am well known in Richard's circle of friends for my extensive emails. That's pretty cool. Thankfully, I am not yet known for being an extremely sarcastic individual who makes fun of people like Richard on the internet, though I am sure that will come soon. I wonder if Richard ever searches for himself on Google.

Hmm, so it seems like Richard has some new scam up his sleeves and needs a Capital One account and my help to make it a reality. Well, I'm never one to turn down an awesome offer from the internet. Sometimes it's just hard to find it because it's mixed in with a bunch of homoerotic talk. Maybe like 75/25. I've never stopped believing, Richard.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Service needed.

To Calvin And Hobberman,

Thank you so much for writing me back!

I'm a little ashamed to admit that I've been wetting myself like teenager with a garden hose down his pants ever since I saw your last email arrive. The first few times, I didn't even bother to get up so I kind of ruined my pants and chair but it's totally cool because now I am not wearing anything and standing at attention, if you know what I mean. Pretty much the perfect storm of circumstances to correspond with you properly.

I am so glad that you chose not to ignore my email. I kind of have this reputation for doing bad things to people who disrespect me and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to what we have going on here. For example, the other day, some little shit sniped my bid on eBay for this sweet little teddy bear that doubles as a real doll. I swear to God, I drove right over to that guys house and cut him. I seriously cut him. Then his mom came home and I cut her too because maybe she should have raised her kid a little better, you know? You just don't go around stealing other people's stuff, even if the stuff wasn't really mine yet. Whatever. I don't understand how auctions work, apparently.

But none of that matters now. I have my Hobbs back! I'm sorry that you haven't had much time to sit behind the PC. Honestly, I don't know why you would do that anyway. What are you looking at? Dust and a bunch of wires? Sitting in front of the PC is much better. Also, I hope that since we are back in communication, you'll have more needs arise to send email. I have some needs arising in my pants, Richard.

Serious congrats on the wedding, old buddy! Of course, you mention that you're celebrating your second anniversary, which means you were already married when we last spoke less than a year ago AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME. I do feel a little hurt but you know I can't stay mad at you, Hobberman. You are like an angel with wings made of peanut butter and glitter. I mean, you would look at something like that and go, wow, I'm not mad anymore. You might get hungry but not mad.

I would love to come to the anniversary party. Hopefully it won't get awkward with me sitting on your lap while your wife is around but someone has to test the waters. Maybe she'll enjoy the view or something. I'm not opposed to a third party if it comes down to that or nothing. Heck, I'd even invite the photographer in the room if we wanted to make it a crowd. I'm not shy. But, uh, I don't really know how to get a hold of her. However, I do know this guy -- recovering heroin addict -- and I bet we could get him to take some pictures for cheap. He's got a shaky hand but whatever. We can just tell people that there was an earthquake during your party.

Anyway, let me know the details and whatever you need from me to send me the invite.

Also, thanks for the congrats on my new job. I mean, I only landed it because of how awesome you are and everything you taught me. Working at Chuck E. Cheese has a lot in common with the art industry in India believe it or not.

I am totally down for some more collabo work if you have the opportunity. Richard & Roger, back in action. Kind of sounds like a movie. I think I might have a Capital One account somewhere. I'll have to check though. If I don't have one, I can open it. I fucking love those Vikings running around in the commercials. That company deserves my business for being so creative. Anyway, I've got so many open accounts, it's a bit ridiculous and I can't keep track of them. Let me know more details about how that would work and/or other job opportunities and let's set the internet on fire again!

I will patiently await word back from you, good sir.

Will Work For Food,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

As of the time of this writing, I've already received a reply back from Richard to that last email so it's a sure bet that a part two to this adventure will be coming soon. It gets a little more creepy, more Capital One-y, and 60% more gay. That's what Richard & Roger deliver.

Stay tuned and we'll be back to our regularly scheduled program after these messages about paper towel absorbency and stool softener.