"America is #1!" We all like to say it, we all like to think it, and the 9/11 patriots never want you to forget it. Unfortunately, that doesn't necessarily make it true, at least when it comes to education. Honestly, I have no idea where we actually rank amongst the nations of the world but this is largely because I, too, received an American education and thus am not able to count or read properly. What I do know is that we're not number one. Pretty far from it, actually. About six months ago, we poured over actual essays written by junior high school kids in Arizona where they discussed what their favorite memories were. These submissions were hard evidence that we have a lot of catching up to do in the smarts department.

But hey, those were junior high kids, right? They're just youngsters who are still developing and there is still plenty of time left on their educational road map to catch up. No child gets left behind and all that. Unless they're retarded. Then we probably leave them behind on purpose and weed out the weak ones through a combination of natural selection, illegal drugs, and AIDS. But any kind strong enough to make it through four years of high school has to be smarter than the average bear, yes? Wait for it, wait for it... no. The academic staffers here at the P.Net Department of Educational Studies recently got their hands on a new batch of essay submissions guaranteed to make you want to enroll your own children in a private school and leave all of this mess behind.

Over one summer a few years back -- George Bush was still President, for reference -- high school students aged 15-17 were asked to submit a essay of 250 words or less answering the simple question, "How does the First Amendment affect your life?" Below are snippets from these submissions and are actual quotes taken from the essays. We haven't modified them, only organized them into categories for better viewing because deep down, we really do care. But enough with the preamble, let's get moving.

How Does The First Amendment Affect Your Life?

For starters, let's post one essay in its entirety:

The question is not how I use the First Amendment in my everyday life its rather how you use the First Amendment. But I will inform you on how I use my rights anyway. When I got to school I don't have to watch how I express myself. I can say what I want about the government and I don't have to worry about getting shot. If I don't believe in what the government is doing I can protest, or write about it and send it to the local paper and they as well as I don't have to worry about getting taken out for issuing it. But the first amendment has very bad qualities as well. It allows annoying moms to say what they want and blame other people and other companies for there own children killing themselves. Even though we have the First Amendment we should be more strict as to how we let people use it. A patriot of the US would never question what our government is doing and we should never speak against it.

Amazing Introductions & Opening Lines:

- I really don't know how to begin. I have the right to live. Unfortunately, most countries don't give their people that option.

- Have you ever thought about how the first amendment is used in our everyday lives? Well I have!

- How do we use this freedoms? Every day we wake up and thank god for giving us another day to be alive or like when I do my test I tell god to please help me.

- For as long as I can remember, I've dreamed of horses.

- Did you use your the first amendment today? If you said thank you for your coffee or donut this morning, then you sure have.

- How many people use the first amendment? Many people use it today, but it wasn't like that in the past.

- What's the reason I have to do this assignment? When I really thought about this I remembered that this assignment is actually violating my first amendment. Even though I do not want to do this I am forced to do this. In face I almost didn't do it but when I figured out it was going to be worth a test grade I didn't have a choice. I ended up doing this assignment because if I didn’t do it I am going to fail my world history class.

- Express yourself it's perfectly normal. Or is it?

- I use freedom of assembly and press in many ways. For example using the freedom of assembly as in using the computer going on myspace, and using the freedom of press as listening to music and doing dancing.

- The first amendment states that you are pretty much able to say what ever you want and you cannot get in trouble for saying it. There are restrictions on what you can and cannot say.

- Every one knows that the First Amendment sounds a little like this "Congress shall make no law etc". But do people know what it really means? With this in mind, what does the First Amendment mean?

- I use the first amendment when the teacher is absent. Then we get a substitute they don't let us go to the washroom even though it's an emergency.

- "Why do we have to do this? This is boring." That is what I hear many people saying when we have to do this essay.

Total Misunderstanding of the First Amendment:

- No feeling have to be bottled inside because with this amendment people must say what they want to.

- Every day we use the first amendment of our constitution, wether we support something or we are against something. We also use it to guge something by the way it appears, feels, sounds, and moves.

- About 90% of everything we do everyday is due to the first amendment.

- Many people live using Spanish as well as English. The first amendment automatically vetoes this.

- The first amendment states that we have the right to believe what ever we want, say what ever we want, and write what ever we want as long as it doesn't bother the happiness of citizens.

- If we as U.S. citizens didn't have the right to say what we want then we might as well be communists.

- Assembly is a big part of our daily life. It gives us freedom to hang out with whoever we want and wherever we feel like it. I can hang out with my friends at the park as long as I want to and no one can do anything about it because we're allowed to. Supposedly its fine to stand around but cops just see a whole bunch of people standing in a corner and they just start chasing them and arresting them because they assume they are up to no good or are dealing with drugs. I think that is a problem.

- Freedom of petition, this is an every day life why because we are always asking for things to are parents, friends, ect.

- Freedom of peaceable assemble also plays a very important role in my life because I love my friends to death.

- I'm using freedom of press right now because I'm writing what I feel.

- During lunch, I have the opportunity of choosing anything to eat.

- When expressing how I feel whatever it is from what is the best video game to who is the best at sports, when this happens I just go to a videogame website and chat with people to see who has a good opinion, good or bad, about a video game. then we would help each other if we are stuck in a part that we can't get out of.

- You use your freedom of speech at home by talking with your parents and brothers and sisters by telling them how was your day how did it go and what did you make for dinner you know stuff like that so you can have a nice conversation with your parents and brother and sisters.

- I am a student who loves to sing. Singing is another way to use the first amendment.

- One time when I used the freedom of speech was when a teacher gave me a low grade. I defended myself and proved myself right to the teacher. It was only because of the freedom of speech that I was able to do that.

- I must not shut my mouth when someone says, "shut up" because according to the first amendment, I must have a freedom of speech.

- We use the first amendment of the constitution in our everyday life by speaking, which is freedom of speech.

Serious Opinions About the World:

- Our state frees the people we do not have slave like in England.

- The first amendment takes a big part in our daily lives. Without it, the united states would be a total chaos!

- The government should have the right to choose for us, so that's my opinion.

- As far as I know, we can be part of any religion. But when someone interferes with it, it is just not right. Like before, Jews faced many troubles back then, they didn't realise how much damage they were doing to humanity. Holidays, like Christmas, it is the birth of Christ. This is when people actually reunite for this event. Can't say all, but mostly everyone celebrates this day. Gathering families and joy as one.

- Some people don't show respect people with their religious they think their religious is better or just plain criticized it.

- I don't think we have so much freedom of speech because were not always allowed to say or state our minds out. Nowadays people get arrested for writing things or saying things that are taken too seriously. A student recently got in trouble for writing about a dream he had of a shooting and since a college had recently had a shooting they were scared that he might attempt to do it.

- Freedom of the press is that when you a well known person ,the press hardly gives you the privacy which you deserve and they are always watching your every step.

- The way I use the first amendment is by using freedom of speech. No one can tell me to "shut up." Furthermore, if you speak to an authority in a bad way, than whats the point of a freedom of speach?

- Also to help people who need help like old people. I would use it to go out with my friends without thinking that somebody is going to tell us something.

- When the police tell you have a right to remain silent, you can speak if the first amendment lets you, I guess you can. This means you have the freedom to talk or not to talk.

- Without this amendment we would probably live in a communist country.

Bizarre Ideas About Religion:

- Freedom of religion affects people in there hearts. Worshippers believe in a god they cannot see and yet they wait until the day they get to meet him. This type of worship is just fine but the rumors I heard from my teacher about a religion based on snake worshipping convinced me that our rights should have a limit. The snake worshippers would carry their snakes around and if it should bite someone and they would die that would mean they are sinners.

- People shouldn't make fun of other religions whether they be black, Mexican, of Arabian.

- I believe that these rights that we set to us are sometimes broken. for example, the right to believe in whatever one person wants to. what if human sacrifice was set out there one again? isn't that murder? what about people believing in snakes? isn't that ridiculous?

- People have freedom of religion. This is one huge topic in our country. Here no one will tell you "that god doesn't exist."

- Now I’m on fire for Jesus and I’ve grown in so many ways.

- At school, I let my teachers know I hate them. At church, I could talk to the priest and tell him how I feel about our religion , what's wrong with it.

- Just recently, I have written a satirical essay based on pornography. My main focus was to help my audience to realize that the fact that pornography is legal in United States is absurd. I managed to make my audience feel uncomfortable when the words of pornography were mentioned in my essay.

- I fill out forms for colleges and thanks to the First Amendment I can be what religion I want instead of just wondering.

- I chose my religion as well as practice it freely. Only a few misguided people seem to think otherwise, and they are breaking the law.

- I have an image to the virgin gaadalage in my huyse.

Um, what?:

- You could even wear socks that say, "I love Jesus!"

- In some schools you can't being a bible or you get suspended or something happen.

- the first amendment affects our daily lives in teh way that in school the pledge says "under god." Secondly in our currency we have it say "in god we trust." Thirdly we can't say something that might put us in problems.

- Thanks to these glorious freedoms I am able to live in a wonderful life day to day. I can do things like talk about my friend George W. Bush.

- Abortion, abortion is a really big form of speech. It had a big effect on the people over the world.

As you can see, the high school generation isn't much better than the kids we previously reported on, only more opinionated. I've listed this as part one since I have many more ridiculous snippets left to post. These snippets may or may not include more opening lines, ideas about gender and race, WTF?, and, of course, wonderful ways to close out your essay masterpiece. Maybe I will post that up tomorrow. Maybe I will do it next week. With me, you never know. I might leave you hanging like David Carradine's belt. I'm just saying that is how things roll around here. With outdated jokes about celebrity figures.